Feeling Drained and Taken Advantage of...

lindas12

We all need someone to listen sometimes. We all need to vent. It's part of the human condition. But in sharing and venting, responsible adults look for and find solutions to their problems. When your mom complains, ask her what she intends to do about her health, her bills, your brother and any other negative topic. What you'll discover (if you haven't already) is your mom doesn't want solutions; she just wants to complain and for you to listen. She has no concern about the emotional fallout for you.

You are not your mom's emotional barf bucket. Tell her how her nonstop negativity affects you. Tell her you will not listen any more. (She won't care, and she won't believe you, at least not at first). Then enforce the boundary you just made by consistently walking away or hanging up when the negativity starts. Yes, it's difficult. But so worth it.

I can assure you she'll be angry when she discovers you're no longer available to absorb her toxicity. (Yes, the negativity can literally make you sick). She may or may not stop, but at least you'll have done what you needed to do to shield yourself the constant barrage of negativity.

You asked what would happen if you continue to play the listener role. Think depression, inertia, anxiety, guilt, resentment and frustration, all of which blunt your own emotions and make you physically and emotionally ill. Nowhere is it written that to be a good daughter you must endure nonstop negative garbage. Your mother would have you believe it's your duty, but that's a lie.

When you start to refuse this role, you will start to feel better. Resist. Enforce. Only you can make it happen. (((Hugs)))

BEFORE you totally block her phone #, there are other strategies you can take. I like the advice that says tell her you will only answer the phone one time a day and give her a time. Tell her if her complaining becomes difficult for you, you will HANG UP on HER. If she hangs up on you, say to yourself, "I'm saved! What a relief" and don't think a second thought about it. Before sending her to Assisted Living or whatever, just make sure she has what she needs to live. Bars on the walls if she has trouble walking, etc. Maybe a "Fall" button to contact help. The next idea is: USE POSITIVE REWARDS for baby steps toward her being more positive. Like, use your imagination. It may not work, but why not try? Like, give her a written CHART of things you would LIKE her to say, along with a chart of HOW to say what she is really feeling (scared, lonely, hurting, etc.) YOU have a chart and give STARS for baby steps toward compliance. You can even REWARD her for achieving little changes along the way. Taking her for an ice cream cone or whatever she likes. Try telling her there will be ONE day a month (or every other week or whatever you can do) in which SHE will be the center of attention and should THINK of how you two can ENJOY time together. Etc. You get the idea. Like I said, it may NOT work. But, give it time and see what happens. As far as the RINGING of the phone, can you get a phone where you can turn off the ringer? Or, just STOP jumping and rushing to answer it. Find something else to do when she calls you. I hope you have the kind of phone where it identifies who is calling.

So much of this is like my mother. Few days ago she was screaming at me to build a step with bricks for her padio door and i began to pick up bricks and she was screaming "not those bricks- those ones!" Always critical, blames others, expects them to do for her.
Understand it is HER personality flaw. I have stopped calling and writingt o my mom after this latest incident. I owe her nothing, so when i feel i can give again, i will contact her. Right now i need a break.
You have the right to limit a call to once a week. Set a timer. After 10 minutes, "someone at the door- talk to you next week- bye"
That personality sucks life out of people. Limit your contact. You will feel improvement in your peace.