Feeling Drained and Taken Advantage of...

You are being taken advantage of, and should feel drained.

Follow in your siblings' footsteps. Block her number and stop interacting with her. Cut toxic negative people out of your life.

If you want to take a smaller step, only answer the phone once a day, and immediately tell her goodbye if she starts complaining, that you don't want to hear it, then hang up. Don't answer again until the next day. A ringing phone can go unanswered.

Boundaries are for YOU, they are not to change your mom. She won't change.

I'd just go cold turkey, personally.

Talk to your siblings to find out how they managed to get distance from your toxic parent. Then follow their example. Why do you think you have to put up with this? Try therapy. Do some activities you enjoy that take some time away from your phone and her. Block her number? You don't have to be like her, so don't.

The challenge in your situation is that her negative personality traits will be made worse from her cognitive decline. No amount of trying to retrain her or lay out boundaries will change *her* behaviors so you are doing the right thing by putting up strong and consistent boundaries. However, it seems you have been "assumed" into being her caregiver. Is this a role you want any part of? Only you can answer this question. You are under no ethical obligation to do so. And, if you are not her DPoA, having the legal authority to help her and manage her affairs in the future will become even more fraught as she fights you on every front, short of a profound medical event that incapacitates her.

If you are not her PoA and wish to back away, you can contact APS to report her as a vulnerable adult. This gets her on their radar. Keep calling APS. Eventually when conditions for staying in her home become untenable, they will move to acquire guardianship, and then will place her in a facility where she will be protected and cared for. You can visit her and carry on whatever level or engagement you wish, but the county will then be in full control of her medical and financial affairs, and family will have no insight into any of it. The guardian may request input about certain decisions, but that's it.

My step-FIL became a ward of the county. He made it impossible for us to help him legally. I laid out his choices and he chose to pretend that APS would not intervene, but they did. He went into a facility and we visited him, then went home and slept soundly because we weren't exhausted or worried about him. I'm just putting this out there for you so you can make an informed decision, and move forward with your life. I wish you all the best and peace in your heart.

I bet your the child who could always be made to feel guilty. Or, you see Moms needs and have compassion enough to try and help.

I had more written and lost it. I am assuming what CTTN wrote is from previous posts you have made.

Keep setting those boundries. If anyone "owes" Mom anything its the favored child. If Mom has any of this money left, than she can afford a nice Assisted living. Tell Mom u have a life. That her calls will have to be just one. Pick a time. You no longer want to hear about her complaints about money or health. If she can't call with anything positive, then don't call. You can be there for her, but on your terms and in your time. She needs you more than you need her. When she gets nasty, say "I am hanging up and please don't call me back if you are going to be nasty". As its been said before on this forum "You set the tone with how someone treats you".
The next time Mom calls and gets nasty maybe tell her you need a break from her. Say "I'll call you in a week. Hopefully you will not be so negative". Then block her. This way you won't know if she calls or not.

I have a niece who was here visiting for a weekend. We were in the checkout line at the grocery store when nieces phone rang. She looked at it and put it away. It had been her Mom and she called her back when we got to the car. When she tried her Mom, she didn't answer. My niece said "She does this all the time when I don't pick up" Not sure if SIL called back or niece tried again but niece said "I was in the check out line". When she hung up she said "that could have waited till I got home". This is a red flag of things to come. My niece has become a strong woman but she has a tender heart. I feel she can set boundries but her Mom will not make it easy.

"She constantly talks and needs attention all day and is cheap on top of that and does not want to spend a dime even though she inherited $590,000."

"I have 5 siblings and my mother favors my youngest brother who is now 45. She sold my dad's house when he died and got $590,000 from it and my brother milked her for so much money. She gave him $30,000 to pay his backed mortgage payments, bought him a Cadillac and gave him a credit card for gas, food, etc. And all she did for me was buy me a cup of coffee. I guess she thought I was completely self sufficient and didn't need anything because I did not ask for anything. I do ask for my some of my dad's statues which she also gave to my brother instead. Very hard to deal with a parent who favors one child over the other. It kind of made me feel distant from her because she did not favor me at all. So I moved away and now I feel bad she is 81 and fending for herself because no one really visits her anymore."

It will be interesting to see what happens when your mother needs help. You seem to be the only one who is in contact with her now. You have set firm boundaries with her. Seems like you will be the one who is expected to step in when she gets ill/falls, etc.

She fell once before, and it's only a matter of time before it or something else happens again. She has some money, and doesn't like to spend it. Will you be able to let her struggle?

Does anyone have her POA/HCPOA? I suggest you push for her to make your younger brother; her POA/HCPOA, since he already got paid by her.

How can someone 'demand' you answer the phone? Just don't answer the phone and unless she trots herself over to your house, she cannot 'demand' anything! Talk to her if & when YOU want to, and let her know that as soon as the talk gets toxic, you'll be hanging up. You'd be surprised at how quickly women like this 'get the hint' that we're serious when we ARE serious & stick to our guns with our intentions. Like with children, we have to be consistent, and end the conversation or visit EVERY TIME they start acting up, otherwise they know we're pushovers and the bad behavior continues. They know how far they can push us b/c we've TOLD them and SHOWN them, time and time again.

You don't need validation from us or from anyone else to set down your own boundaries with the woman and then stick TO them. This issue has obviously been going on for years now and only YOU can fix it, at least to some degree. I have a mother like yours who lives 4 miles away in Memory Care AL and regular AL since 2014. I set the rules on visits, phone calls and everything else otherwise my entire life would be usurped by her. And I am an only child so there's nobody else to share the burden with, so it's been especially important for me to set boundaries down & stick to them, or I'd be eating Xanax like Tic-Tac.

Take care of YOU and know that it's okay to do so. Mom isn't going to change, but she WILL get worse if dementia is an issue b/c what they were gets magnified with dementia. My mother was always angry & miserable, so now, she's angrIER and more miserable with advanced dementia.

What will 'become of you' is directly related to how strict you are with boundaries you set down for yourself NOW. Limit your exposure to the toxic fumes now so you won't be so poisoned down the road that you turn into a waste dump yourself!!!!

Good luck!

Consider yourself blessed and fortunate that you and your mother don't live together and you don't have to be her caregiver.
You can screen her calls and let them go to voicemail. Then call her back only if you wish to.
You don't have to go her house and don't have to have her at your place either. I totally believe that your mother is exactly as you say. You mention a brother that she complains about to you. Does he live with her? If he does then he's the one who really lives the hardship and misery these days. My mother is exactly like yours. Only by unfortunate circumstances, I am forced to live with her and be her caregiver. I would not hesitate to put her in a nursing home this very day if that was an option but it isn't. I own the home but haven't owned it for five years or more which is the requirement for the Medicaid look-back period. I don't have money. So if I walked away now, I lose everything. It means I lived as a nanny-slave for years and it would all have been for nothing.
Establish some strong boundaries and try to get your siblings to as well. If you all stand in solidarity with the boundaries, you will all be a lot happier.
DO NOT be her listener anymore. All of you must stop this. If she gets attention or something she wants through negativity and complaining then that is what she will do every time.
It's like with a child. If the adult gives in because the child is having a tantrum over something, that child is going to have a tantrum every time they're told 'no' on anything. Elderly people can be like children and have to be treated the same.
This means when she starts up with the negativity and instigating a fight with one of you (constant negativity and complaining usually goes hand in hand with fight instigating), shut that down quick. Everyone can either ignore her totally or Gray Rock her big-time. This means basic needs only. Since you're not her caregiver, you don't even have to have and contact with her if you don't want to. I totally understand if you decided to have zero contact with her.
My mother (who is the same age as yours) gets warned in advance not to "start" if I'm taking her somewhere. They all know what not starting means and you won't have to explain. If the negativity and wallowing in self-pity starts before a special occasion, she gets left at home. If any instigating starts up at a family function like a holiday, she gets ignored or taken home. No one indulges her BS anymore.
Stop indulging your mother's BS and you all will see an improvement.

I'm really sorry that you've found yourself in this situation. I live with my mom who is 65, has had two strokes, and as a result has turned into one of the most miserable, nasty, bitter, unkind people on Earth. I understand that things like life experiences, age, sickness and fear can all contribute to someone's bad attitude, but it certainly isn't your responsibility to be a sponge to soak all of that up. You're lucky that you can distance yourself from her, and if I were you I'd cut myself off nearly entirely. It sounds harsh, but let her miss you for a while and then she might be more reluctant to be abusive when she does see/hear from you. I understand feeling obligated to just take the punishment of it all because she's your mom and you want to give her someone to talk/vent to, but your health is more important and you don't owe her your undivided attention. Stay strong, stick to your boundaries, and good luck.

When my dreadful father phoned and was impossible, I gently put the phone down, went on reading my book, and waited for the silence followed by ‘Hello? Hello?’. Then I picked up the phone and said ‘Sorry, I was called away’. Repeat next time things get difficult. They can’t say that you hung up on them, but sooner or later they get the picture. It may be easier for you to do than blocking the number.

"If I constantly play the listener role what will become of me?"

I like your word *play*.

If this was an actually play & you didn't like it, despite having bought a ticket, you could just walk out. This *play* has Mom in the leading role & you as a listening post. The ticket is sort of a social contract that you are the good child & will always obey. But that's ancient history - time to redefine your part.

Basically Mom can complain as long as she wants to whoever she wants. However, you have ZERO obligation to listen.

Some of us that are very empathetic probably struggle with cutting down contact when needed. And it is needed from time to time for self-protection. Or being assertive enough to move the conversation topic on.

My DH took quite a few calls from a sib going through a very hard time. I heard him saying things like "yeah you already told me that", "why are you telling ME? Tell X" & finally "I'm not your therapist..You don't have one? You should get one". Message received - 'vomit' calls stopped 😆

Sounds a bit harsh, but he reasoned sib seemed a bit stuck but talking about the same stuff over & over wasn't fixing anything. Plus if it wasn't for him to fix, he saw no reason to listen!

Hold your ground! Allow certain days for calls {tell her what those days will be…{saying mom I am busy the other days} and limit the time on the phone to what is emotionally manageable. . My brother has always said “Mom is happiest when she is unhappy”. That is a personality type. My mom is a depressive and treated with meds but it continues negatively into her 88th year. Listen and say very little. Any subject I dislike we just do not respond. It will take practice. Also counseling is soooo helpful and can be done online..Good Luck..

This sounds familiar! I don't think I handled this bit well when it was happening to me!
One of my brothers has a good technique and although I wouldn't recommend as a rule of thumb - as it is a bit manipulative - it is a good way of dealing with negative people.
He is cheerful and responsive until the other person starts complaining and then he goes quiet. It is the contrast that makes the other person pause and consider what they have said. If he is pushed he will be 'called away'.

I had the same situation with a friend of many years and the hardest thing I ever did was cut ties with her. Just could not handle the demanding negativity all the time. I made the decision that I am no longer a dumping ground by people who really do not care about me at all. I realize this is your Mother, so a different situation but you cannot go on forever as it is not good for you. I suggest you talk with a councilor and go from there. Wish you the best!!

Dear lindas12:
I think you and I are related. We must have the same mother. Well…maybe not physically, but at the very least, emotionally.
My mother has been abusive all her life. If she can’t control you with anger she feigns illness even to the point of saying, “I’m dying,” I can’t tell you how many times she’s told us of having a heart attack. She’s had none. She so pitiful that I’m convinced she’ll die of prostrate cancer someday.
My mom says she’s a Christian. She continually uses the one verse from the Bible she knows, “Honor your father and mother.” But she forgets about “(parents) don’t provoke your children to wrath.”
My father passed in 2008. Even after his death, when we were all she had, for the two years after his death she was so awful to us. I told her if she didn’t quit that she was going to die a lonely woman. And that NO ONE wanted that for her. I told her she needed to be nice and quit being the bitter hateful person she was. She was so abusive to us, lying to us so much, and railing on us continuously that my wife and I cut her off. We told her that if she didn’t stop acting the way she was that we wouldn’t see her or call her. She still didn’t stop, so we followed through and didn’t make contact for two years. We let her back in and she started again. Again, we cut her off for another year. That seemed to do the trick.
She is now 89 (today is her birthday) and lives alone, in another state. My wife and I retired and moved 3 years ago to be near grandchildren. I do call my mom every week, and she still tries her antics, but I just change the subject. If she still persists, I tell her to stop and if she doesn’t that I’ll hang up and call in a few days. And I have had to followed through, occasionally.
You can still love your mom, and should. But just because she’s your biological parent, that does not mean you have to put up with her abusive behavior. You wouldn’t allow a neighbor to treat you that way. You’d cut off associating with them. So why should she be allowed to cross those same boundaries because she’s related to her.
WARN HER and FOLLOW THROUGH, if she crosses the boundaries again.
BE BOLD!
Blessings,
Terry

The minute the negativity starts, say, “Sorry, I have plans for today (do not give her any information about your plans), say I’ll call you back later(don’t say when), hang up and then do not return her phone calls until you are good and ready. If she starts up again, do this technique again and again. Soon, you will be making the calls at your convenience and her negativity will have an immediate undesirable payoff. Eventually, she will get it. No arguments, no confrontations, nothing. Just say you have to get off the phone in a cheerful voice and hang up.

I thought for a second I wrote this minus the brother. I implemented several things as soon as I noticed my Mom's behavior was getting worse. I let the call go to voice mail. She normally does not leave a message and if she does, its her complaining about this or that. Most of the time she is reliving the past about my Dad and how he treated her even though I would remind her that he is dead and never coming back to apologize for what he did so she needs to get it over or goes on about how she sacrificed so much all her life for so many and now feels that she is owed. I received mental abuse from her in the past, and now every so often until I decided to set those boundaries. It saved me. I say set those boundaries and don't spend one minute second guessing your decision. Some (especially family) will try and push you to the brink that it can affect your physical health too. I am always thinking, if I had a stroke or heart attack by allowing her behavior to negatively affect me she would not be able to care for me because she is 80. She would just find someone else to complain to while I am in rehab trying to rebuild my life.

Vickie, It's ok to not answer the phone. You aren't obligated to be her sounding board. Good job on developing boundaries--sounds like you want to shore them up a little more, which is the right thing for you. She rants because you've started to withhold the interaction she wants to get, so what you're doing is working.
IF you want to continue to interact with her do a ''Ooops, gotta run...'' every time the conversation starts to get negative.
You may want to seize control of the situation and just tell her you're super busy but will call her on the weekend to touch base, then limit the time you chat. When the conversation goes negative, hop off. Then it's on your terms. She may even start to refuse to call since she can't control you--all for the good. She eventually will call, because connection to her usual emotional dumping ground will be irresistable to her. ...and you just stay in control and set the schedule, and refuse to open the gates of the dump.
Without her being aware of her behaviors and wanting to move your relationship into something more respectful, it's unlikely that she will have some epiphany about how her negativity affects you.

As with other responders, lindas12, I have endured similar behavior from my mother. I was not the golden child but the responsible one. She was a nasty, bitter, selfish, condescending woman throughout my entire life. B****ing all the time about her horrible life here in the States - she married my dad who was military and moved here for the "American Dream" but was not content with what she got. Shrill screaming, door slamming, ignoring for weeks at a time .. I began calling her the Dragon in my high school years and that wasn't nearly as bad as it was after my dad passed away. She was a shell of herself for a little over a year and then my brother (golden child) convinced her to make some big decisions which ultimately cut me out of her will. I wasn't even aware of this until after she died. She even documented some of the WHY in the will itself, in case anyone was wondering. She left everything to my brother. I know he lead her to that decision so of course he & I rarely speak. I did get a counselor not that long ago, to try to let go of my hatred of my mother & try to learn to trust people again. I think the counselor(s) saved me from becoming a version of the same bitter person she was. I have a wonderful, caring man in my life who strengthens me .. we are now going down yet another similar road with HIS mother and I spend a lot of stressed out, sleepless nights feeling like this Mom #2 is squeezing the life out of us both. She is only 74, in poor health but I am sure she will live many more years. I don't like the picture I see of our future with her. She doesn't have enough money for a managed care place but she really can't or WON'T take care of herself. I have been thinking that I need to run back to therapy but have been stubborn .. Reading all the responses this morning during yet another near-sleepless night has tears rolling down my cheeks as I type this. Thank you for starting this thread, I needed it, too. Nobody ever says caregiving is easy .. harder still for us soft-hearted folks who have been gifted with a huge, caring heart. I'm thinking about all of you but especially you, lindas12. I'm also a linda s, and I love New York 🤗 please stick to creating those boundaries and protecting yourself emotionally. Elder abuse goes BOTH ways and people need to be mindful of this .. I loved what one responder said about how you would never let your neighbor treat you this way. Be strong, but be kind - and by all cost don't let your life fall by the wayside! You matter and you deserve to be happy. I wish that for all of us and I'm cheering for you over here in Seattle ❤

I read every single answer to your post.

My mom was a negative person.

Now that she’s gone, I seemed to have forgotten the bad times and wish she was here to give advice and talk to, In death, she keeps teaching me as I look back and wish I had paid more attention to what she had to say.

What would I have done differently? Engage in activities or hobbies that put my mind in a different place. Reach out and connect with friends. Look out the window and watch nature or the world. Refrain from complaining to anyone and listen instead.

A deacon at a nursing home once told me that no one knows the bitterness and anger of a caregiver.

We all know what they say about hindsight.

Perhaps get her a social worker or visiting Nurse or suggest a day program . She is looking for attention and to vent . My Mother was like that - after awhile she No Longer wanted to talk on the phone . Eventually she drifted off to another reality and was depressed . Maybe someone can treat her for depression . it sounds like you need some help for yourself - a therapist or a support group or Coach . I would say to My Mother " go for a walk , go for a swim , sit in the sun " After awhile I gave up . She was looking for attention and what she needed was psychiatric help .

It's too late to 'save' either my mother or my MIL.

I tried, believe me, I tried, b/c I also have a big heart and feel too much. It's what empaths DO.

But we also have a hard time with boundaries and we always believe if we just do A, B or C we will have fixed the 'problem'.

LOTS of therapy has gotten me to the point where I know all my efforts have been pretty much wasted and I have to STOP expecting either of the moms to be 'nice' to me.

I see my mom maybe once a month. Maybe. She NEVER calls me, now that I no longer drive her to BINGO once a week. I have not seen nor spoken to MIL for 2 years and although DH is very angry about that--there's absolutely NOTHING he can do to make me go see her. He wants me there to deflect all the crazy and to take the anger.

This site has saved my emotional bacon more than once. I really thought, for years, that it was ALL ME--something was wrong with ME that these 2 women seemed to hate me so much.

I'll struggle with this forever--it's not something that can be easily 'gotten over'. It takes work and talk and being self caring.

My MIL never leaves her house and has no friends. My mom goes to the Sr Center one day a week and has one friend and that's it. You live to 92 and there's not many people your age.

And, yes, I worry that I will become just like my mother. It terrifies me.

I notice my kids ALL call screen me. If they don't want to talk to me, they don't pick up the phone. It can be done.

I don't worry about feeling 'sad' when the moms die. I think there will be an enormous sigh of relief and some grief over what SHOULD have been. They've made their choices and I am not responsible to make them happy.

There is such a thing as 'overfunctioning'...I have done it a lot in my lifetime, because I, too, am empathetic and a 'helper', plus on some levels was trained to be at the beck and call of a Narcissistic mother who was negative and self centered most of her life. Despite her good qualities, she always had a 'chip on her shoulder' and my dad even took me aside when I was in middle school saying to me, trying to comfort me after mom had ragged on me; "Mommy's sick" meaning, psychologically 'off.' That kind of home drama dominates the dynamics of a household; I remember thinking "Yeah, OK, but I'm Trying to Have a Childhood Here!" My advice: repeatedly tell your mom you love her and WISH you could fix her problems But Her Problems are out of Your Control. Basically, Give UP trying to 'please' her because these types cannot be pleased, are never truly 'satisfied.' They lack insight, and they lack Gratitude for what goodness is still in their lives (your even being willing to listen to her 'pity-parties' is even a Goodness, but she is driving you away as well as your siblings who checked out already.) Everybody has limits; tell her you can talk to her once a week and set a time limit; tell her she can worry, fret, complain for x amount of that call, and the other x amount needs to be chat about other things, which can include how she is Taking Care Of Herself (that could be a bit of exercise, good meals, reaching out to possible new friends, etc.) It's probably scary to lose your role as a parent In Control of kids, a 'job', and then lose it...Empty Nest Syndrome on steroids! Tell her that Now Is Her time to be a 'Golden Girl'. I learned a lot of needlework/fiber crafts from my mom and went on to become a fiber artist; I did original designs; my mom never trusted herself to ever do anything beyond what a pattern book said, what a pre-drawn design was, etc.: she lacked confidence and felt 'less than' and it Made Her a bitter person due to her lack of insight, her own Self-limiting behavior/beliefs. Another example: she worked outside the home now and then for 'Christmas money' and always Blossomed, was vibrant and happier, less bitter/complaining/irritable; but she went to her grave clinging to the very old Depression-era thinking that 'a woman in the workplace is taking a job away from a man (the 'Breadwinner')'...long outdated view, plus economically not viable when today families need more than one breadwinnner, right? In other words, moms sometimes don't have a clue how to 'switch gears' and fashion a new identity. And getting older is scary because it seems like your options are shrinking. Thank your mom for raising you to be on your own two feet and urge her to invent her 'free' new life; it will lessen her pain perceptions the more she finds new interests, recovers old ones. Baby steps for old ladies!

I would put my Mom on speaker just loud enough to hear voice but not loud enough to understand words - and go about whatever I was doing. Every now and then would pick up phone and add an “Oh really” or “You don’t say”.

I know she felt better after venting and I did not have to really listen.

I think you know what will become of you, you will lose yourself in her bucket of misery. I had to do this with a sister. I told her I WOULD NOT be the recipient of her nastiness anymore, and the next time would be the last time I talked to her. Has not happened again, but if it does, I will hang up.

You explained what this woman is all about but why on earth are you allowing her to do this to you? She is abusing you with hate and selfishness and I would have told her off a long time ago and walked away. When there are people like this in your life, ask yourself if you deserve it? If not, leave them behind - sever ties. You owe them nothing. I assume you have spoken to her, set boundaries and done all the rest and it does not change. So she continues to harm you and destroy you and you put up with it. YOU HAVE GOT TO BE TOUGH AND STAND UP TO HER ONCE AND FOR ALL AND CLOSE THE CONTACT WITH HER AS OTHERS HAVE DONE. Do not let someone like this destroy you - they had their life, now it is your time. WALK AWAY AND DON'T LOOK BACK. I learned this hard fact too late in life and once I did this, my life changed for the better. Don't let someone do this to you - ever, never!

Set firm boundaries. Realize that boundaries will not change her behavior but allow you ways of dealing with her troublesome behavior that leave you feeling OK. May I suggest reading any of the books by Townsend and Cloud about "boundaries." All of their books have a very helpful pathway to creating boundaries that are healthy for you and also are not harmful for others. Many people also find it helpful to belong to either a support group or work with a counsellor through this process.

As long as your mom is safe and relatively healthy, you do not have to listen to her rants throughout the day. Many find it helpful to let phone calls go to voicemail and call when you are available - once a day or a couple times a week. You might start conversations with asking if she has an emergency - health, house, or other. Then let her vent for only a short period of time. When you have reached the time limit (set a timer), tell her that you have to go and hang up.

I know it is harder with COVID, but work hard to develop friendships with several uplifting people. They will help to counteract the negative conversations with your mom.

Set boundery line and stick to it. Everytime when she starts to turn negative, find some excuses to hand up the phone. Once she realised that she can no longer manipulate and control you, she will back off or find someone else to pour her garbage. She will get angry at you at first for sure, but it will tone down as time goes by.

When she gets started, tell her you aren't going to play the mean games today and hang up before she unloads on you. Be very clear with her (if she understands conversations and has no dementia or other disorder) that her words hurt your feelings and it doesn't make sense that she would want to call you just to hurt you - you don't want to play anymore with the nasty words and that you plan to end conversations if she goes down that road. Then say goodbye and hang up, will call you later to see if you can be nicer. Cry if you have to and ASK her, why would you say something like that to me?

If it's gone on for years, she is in a rut and it's normal for her. It sounds like her whole family has taken the harsh words, but never really resolved it. All of you just moved away, so it took a phone call for her to say the mean things, It didn't really change the way she talked to all of you. Old dogs can learn new tricks - but it does take a few times for them to find they won't get snacks if they bite.

I think you'd eventually burn out at this rate. I would make some kind suggestion to her that she go to a senior center at least once a week so that so she can have her own life instead of depending on you for that. She sounds awful, and is a classic case of a real narcissist. I would hang up on her, and not listen to her anymore if she's going to be abusive. You shouldn't have to sit there and take it.

lindas12: Imho, if you continue in this dynamic, you are at risk of failing ill. Do not engage in the acrimony that your mother serves.