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Mom has been living in an apartment near me. We take her everywhere she needs to go. Including weekly senior get together. Now, thankfully Is moving into a senior apartment that is awesome. There is transit in place there. She gets mopey and sad when I tell her I would like her to learn to use the transit to her senior outing sometimes. This causes me to feel like a selfish person..like I'm deserting her. I tell her my husband and I have a difficult time keeping up with our home. I told her others will go on the transit with her..so she isn't fearful. She says it will cost her..a few bucks actually..and she is able to afford it. Society sides with her...she likes to be the sweet innocent victim..me the meanie. Brother lives a bit far away...and never visits...so it's me..now she is going to be more independant ..can do her own laundry..I've done it for a year now..this will be very good for her. I insist she carry her own money and pay for her purchases..with me nearby...I want her..for both if our sakes..to be confident and as independant as possible....I guess I feel like a meanie at times..my heart hurts. I just want her to live as full a life as she can..I'm on stand by...why do I feel like so bad when I'm being kindly assertive with her..

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Sheri, change can be frightening for older people. Your mother had probably began to think of you as part of her, like an arm or a foot. She will probably be fine after she gets used to doing these things for herself. She will probably learn to enjoy her new independence after she gets to know people.
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Sheri, your profile seems to say that your mom's illness is depression. I think it's worthwhile to get her a mental health evaluation, regardless.

My mom had to move out of her home due to her increasing anxiety. No amount of reassurance from us helped. We got her into a nice Independent Living facility where her new geriatric doctor recommended she be seen by a geriatric psychiatrist. Geriatric psychiatrist, in addition to changing mom's anxiety meds, strongly recommended neurocognitive testing. Guess what? Mom had had a stroke and was presenting with Mild Cognitive Impairment! Could no longer figure out how to solve even really simple situations.
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Sheri, is your mom's depression being treated? Is she on antidepressant medication?

Depression is a very real illness. It can rob one of the ability to feel joy, and to see possibilities. It is very different from the sadness that most of us feel when life gets us down, or when we're just blue. Get mom to a psychiatrist for a thorough evaluation of her mental health.
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Sheri, sometimes antidepressants are prescribed to folks with arthritis; some of them actually seem to reduce pain and inflammation. I don't see there being much of an interaction.

I disagree that they only help temporarily. Taken properly, and in conjunction with good talk therapy, they can help facilitate changes in how one approaches problems in daily living.
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SheriJean, depending on your Mom's age, she might be from an era where no one ever saw a therapist. Or if they did, it was very hush-hush.

Back in the 1950's, doctors use to tell women, who were depressed, to go out and buy a new hat, that would make them fell better. Wow, if only it was that easy.

I am very anti pill taking, but will take my blood pressure pills as that is a given, but anything else forgetaboutit. Until I had to help take care of my parents. Now I am on anti-depressants [smallest dosage possible and that is cut in half], tranquilizer [smallest dosage possible]... and I am doing talk therapy. Oh my gosh, I am slowly starting to feel like my old self again, and that is so good... one step forward :)
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Sheri, my mom was the same way. Her GP put her on Xanax, but she only took it when she was ALREADY anxious.

You have to get ahead of the anxiety.

Once she was in an Independent Living facility and being monitored by a geriatric psychiatrist, a different antianxiety med ( klonopin) was prescribed, and eventually an antidepressant.

Many antidepressants have antianxiety properties. I hope that you and mom can be open to the idea that these medications can do good things and are worth a try.
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I guess I didn't really see her codependence as depression. She misses my step dad..and the companionship. At this snr apartment she will be with her peers...they do things together..so she will not be as isolated ..I asked her to consider a counselor ..she adamantly refused. And thank you ladies for you input. I really needed to talk. This is a good move...and she will have to adjust to the move ..even though she wants it. I feel bad I have to be so assertive with her. I try to be honest but kind. She knows it is exhausting for me...but her needs trump. Sometimes I feel I am getting sucked under. She is very needy and lonely ..and Jessie..I know you're right...she will bond with the people there...and she's back in the community she's used to. I am in the process of trying to find her a geriatric doctor nearby. I have no real support system....if something happens to me...what would she do ..it's heavy
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Are you, or is your mom, set against antidepressants in any way. The research I've read would seem to indicate that meds and talk therapy of some sort are the most efficacious treatment of depression.
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Yes...her generation are tough...fighters...she has always been the type to see the glass half empty...a worrier ..makes me crazy. I told her lets not borrow trouble...focus on what we need to do today...it seems to help...keeps her focused and calmer. Its a learning experience. She does take rx for blood pressure and some vitamin supplements...I want to wait until I find her a new dr before considering antidepressants...she's more anxious than depressed...
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I'm open to anything that will help mom have a happier life. My strength comes from my faith in God...and having gone through many years of talk therapy...drugs did nothing for me long term. Also mom doesn't do well with most rx. We would have to talk this out with a qualified dr. I suggested something to help her sleep some months ago..she refused...and now she is doing much better. It is an adjustment to lose a spouse...time heals..grieving takes time..you can't skip any steps ..she's been hoping to get into this great apartment for a long time. This requires us to break her current lease....even if they force us to pay the remaining 6 months...we are just praying..when we talk to them about they will agree to release her..
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