Anyone else feel this way about Christmas right now? I have no desire to celebrate Christmas this year.

One thing for sure, Christmas is unique in the way it brings out our most deep feelings, happy or sad. It's such an emotional time. Can't deny that. On Christmas Day, at least, I wish for us all to be happy in our heart of hearts and on that day, push aside our cares! Merry Christmas fellow caregivers!

Dear Solegiver:
I feel exactly like you do, we have had a lot of losses this year in our family and its so hard to find joy in this holiday!!!!
I am an only child but do have two step-sisters but I am sole caregiver for my mother who is now 88. She had her first stroke back in 2007 and has been with us ever since. Last march brought on a bleeding stroke but with her doc and nursing home rehab she is back to where she was before that started. She got dementia with her first stroke and it luckily hasn't worsened. She does however have short term memory loss which can be frustrating for her and us.
I am tired, really tired, have gained probably 50lbs in the last 7 years, quit smoking(which was good 4 yrs ago), most of the time I don't even feel like getting cleaned up during the day as I am so busy doing this and that and then I am to tired to even worry about it. Mom can only be left alone for real short periods of time and doesn't always answer the phone when I leave it with her because she can't remember how to answer it.
I guess I am to tired and poor to even worry about Christmas, I did manage to pick up some things for her to open on Christmas morning but hubby and I aren't getting each other anything cause the money just isn't there.
We used to live in a different town but finally sold our home to move mom back to hers so I also am feeling isolated as we don't have any friends where we are now. Hubby still drives and hour and a half to work every day so that makes it late when he finally gets home. He had a heart attack last year just before Christmas so I am constantely worried about him too.
So sorry I am rattling, didn't mean to but after reading your post just wanted you to know you are not alone in your feelings.
I had better sign off now cause need to do some business things and then finally put up the tree. Maybe that will help some. We have Christmas with our kids if they get the time off, on the 4th of January so at least I don't have to rush yet.
Take care of yourself and I will try also and keep your chin up and remember you are not alone on this journey.

I feel the same way - have no Christmas spirit at all, but finally went and bought just a small tree so that we have something for our grandchildren when they come for dinner. We are in a similar situation as GrannySmith as my husband's siblings keep making false allegations against us by calling the Department of Aging and even sheriff. When Mom came to live with us from his sibling, she had been put on hospice with 6 months to live and had lost over 50 pounds. Now - over 2 years later, she is back to a healthy weight and we try to give her a fulfilling life. However, since we have found and report financial exploitation by the other siblings, we live with constant aggravation. It is very hard to get into have any kind of holiday spirit knowing it could be the Sheriiff at the door again with another false allegation. Of course, the deputies have been wonderful and we know they are just doing their jobs. Their presence has actually supported our case since they can testify as to how well my Mom is doing. Unfortunately, having lived in Germany during WWII, the appearance of anyone in uniform, upsets Mom greatly. Though she is in moderate to severe stage of Alzheimer's, she does remember events from years ago. It can take us hours to get her calmed down. We all just need to remember we are doing the best we can do.

I'm a newbie caregiver to my 89 year old mother with Lewy body dementia and Parkinson's. I cared for my grandmother who suffered from Alzheimer's when it was too new to really define as being labeled Alzheimer's and was told she was just getting old and senile. At the time I was also a single parent with two toddlers to raise. Her son, my father, lived too far away to be able to deal with her situation so I stepped in to help. Unknowingly of what that entailed. I spent her last Christmas with her and had to celebrate it in the usual style for the sake of my children. I found myself feeling the same way as many caregivers here do. Not feeling in the spirit and wanting it to just be over with as simply and quickly as possible. I certainly didn't need more to do and think about. However, it turned out to be a gift. A very special day and worth the effort. I learned that Christmas is defined by us. Not what is in the media. Or what we have learned it to be as "traditional". Christmas became a new and very magical and unique experience for the four of us and created a very personal heartfelt and unforgettable day that changed me and also gave a memory to my children as to its true meaning. My grandmother was also transformed and in the way she experienced it...although sporadic and in her confused and limited way with the same day to day difficulties entertwined with the "tradition", gave me a perspective of true appreciation that only contributed to the specialness that that difference made.

Now that I'm faced with it again 20 years or so later, that memory gives me the optimism and openness to whatever this Christmas "struggle" will gift me with this year. Ease and comfort I know isn't an option but it's a "given" and I look forward to and am staying open to the surprising gifts that will be opened. 😊

It takes a letting go of what we once expected. Letting go of What made our comfort zone and understand it's not about what we do to make it right or make it happy. It about what happens among family as it's created in the moments of the day that define it. It becomes a loving and personal connectedness that supersedes our commercially driven sameness. I'm better for it and am much more accepting to allowing life to be different as it is for my mother.

She will pass soon. And I may be in her situation in my later life. I hope my children or my caregivers will be able or willing to come to this same place in their life's transition on such a culturally driven and falsely dictated seudo-family oriented holiday and benefit from the necessary personal changes to this holiday to fit the situation. I know this is not a popular thought and that changes in traditions are difficult. But so is the place that our aging parents find themselves. Difficult on both sides. But I think, rewarding in the heartfelt moments made possible when we let it just evolve and experience it as it will be. I trust my mom will "come back to life" and surprise me with a forgotten memory or two of Christmas' past.

So put on the Bing Crosby, break out the eggnog and Cap'n Morgan and plug in the lights 😊 For tomorrow we may be diagnosed...😀

that sounded like something the pope mighta read off a teleprompter.

It is clear you are the only one with the heart for being the caregiver for your Dad. You have an enormous capacity to "do the right thing". However, sometimes "the right thing" is to look after yourself. There is respite care available to help you and if his cancer is terminal contact Hospice and they will come in and be a part of a team to care for him. You are NOT alone for God is with you always you. ALWAYS. Please know all the holly, jolly on tv is not what Christmas is about - it is about the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who came to save us from our sins. Focus on that one thing and not the superficial issues at hand on the tv. Shame on thos who could provide you with some help - pray for them. I urge you to seek respite care or call Hospice for evaluation of this situation. You have so brave and lonely for too long. You have the right to some life as well. Go forth with the HOPE AND JOY of this special birth. He will guide you is you speak to him. Take a step for YOU! There is no shame in that at all. Your father has no idea you are the only one so it will not hurt his feelings - he is more or less in Heaven already my precious person. In Christ, Elizabeth

Solegiver, you certainly are not alone. I am thinking the same thing!!!! When I was younger, I never understood why my Mother did not get all excited and caught up in the festivities of Christmas. Well guess what, I have arrived!!!!! My Dad is 94 and in AL and this very well could be my last Christmas with him. Knowing that, I am determined to make it a wonderful Christmas for him. If I am left with the memory next year, that's my good fortune. I had just as soon sleep through the next 10 days, but I am going to adjust this attitude of mine and we are going to enjoy this Christmas. I'll have the whole year 2014 to put away the tree, boxes, wrapping paper, ribbons, pack up all the decorations, and pay off the credit cards. I'll hate every second of it but Christmas day will be wonderful this year!!!!!

This has been a tough year for me. My dad died on Christmas night last year. Everyone tells me you can't let it ruin Christmas. Well yes I sure as hell can and I will. Christmas will never be the same. I am grateful for the time I had with him on Christmas day but will never forget standing over his grave in the cold on New Year's. That is when my caregiving began. My mother progressed pretty rapidly over this last year and is now in a memory center. She is finally in a place we can feel good about, but that was a long hard road of bringing her home over and over and hospital visits and nursing home, well everyone on here knows what caregiving involves. But now I feel like a daughter again, but I am still isolating and depressed. Loosing a parent is life changing, watching a parent with alzheimers is heartbreaking. Tough, Tough year.

I understand 100% how you feel. I decided that I will attend some festivities but I am not putting up the tree, making cookies, and going crazy with gift-giving. It's OK to just hang out. Do yourself a "gift" and take a hot shower or bath; go get a haircut or go for coffee. You DON'T have to celebrate it if you aren't up for it. It sounds like you are under enough pressure, overwhelmed and exhausted. Put your feet up and watch a movie- even a Christmas one like "Elf" might help a bit. Just don't be hard on yourself- you are definitely not alone!!!!

@ carek,
by age 80 one has bigger concerns than a holiday. my mother and aunt both abandoned holidays long ago. the main concern becomes creature comfort cause they arent healthy and have aches and pains. take moms drunk ass out to get a jr bacon cheeseburger and a shake.

I agree totally. Our miserable weather is not helping. Stay strong.

I believe this is really the first time I've not been in holiday mode or spirit and I'm really struggling. I feel robbed. I've been living with my 80 yr old alcoholic bitter angry depressed mother 3 years now and it's killing me slowly. The first Xmas I went all out but it wasn't appreciated. Last Xmas my sister was here, so there was joy and it was what the holiday should be. It was not appreciated by our mother and she said so. This season I was forewarned not to bother "celebrating" because it's just another day. I've been forbidden to decorate. There will be no gifts, no visitors. I'm really struggling to make it through. Counseling isn't helping. Mom shows signs of dementia but her daily drinking brings out the nasty anger and it's becoming increasingly difficult to deal with. I see that her basic needs are met then spend most of my time in my room. I have no money. I'm beyond tears. I'm at the end of my rope. I'm sure mom is doing this secretly hoping I won't listen then she will quietly enjoy the festivities I can provide but I'm choosing for the first time not to play the game. Both my sister and I have mentioned to our mother how unfair it is to forbid holiday cheer when this time of year I have my birthday days after Xmas so I only get this one week once a year to "celebrate". How unfair for her to be so selfish and mean. But I have no more energy to rebel or fight her by doing it anyway. I'm trying to muster the energy to take myself to church on Xmas Eve. Then I plan to visit my dad at the cemetery on Xmas day, to get out of this house. What's really helping me make it through this time of year is that I've promised myself I will never spend a holiday lonely and alone like this again. Next year I will make plans to go somewhere for Xmas. I've got to do it for me. I hope everyone reading this finds the joy and spirit of these holidays in their hearts.

big hugs to you. I don't think there's anyone on this forum that does not understand what you're going through. Believe it or not this is where I found quantum physics to really help me get a grip on the physical aspects of our energy life force. All of us are expending energy every single day and if we don't do something too re energize ourselves then we become empty void inside. All I can say is that Christmas is not about a day it's about the spirit of giving and if giving your time to read a book to your dad is all that you can do or look through family photo albums then pat yourself on the back and don't feel as if it wasn't enough because you are all he needs. Much love

I'm a caregiver to my 91 year old grandpa with dementia as well as being a single mother. Being a caregiver and single mom does deplete a lot of your energy. It's almost Christmas and I haven't put up a tree yet. I will take my son to go buy a white christmas tree today. the key is to schedule your plan. What is it that you want to accomplish TODAY? Focus on today and then tomorrow focus on what you want to accomplish tomorrow and the next day and the next and so forth.

Solegiver, Thank you for bringing up this question, as well thank you to all who answered this question with their heart felt life stories. As I sit with tears rolling down my cheeks reading the life experiences of others who share this roll as caregiver, there is nothing more poignant that I could add. I'm grieving so many losses this year, job, live, family watching as both my parents are slipping away, I just noticed last week it's getting close, Christmas that is. God Bless you all on this board and thank you for being here, without you I would have completely lost my mind!

It is hard for me again this year. My mom is in ALF, not happy. (I wonder if she has ever been really happy). She won't make friends, stays in her room mostly, and says things like "I'm so lonesome I want to die. My husband is in his 4th week of radiation for throat cancer so I am dealing with trying to help him with soft foods he can eat. Plus helping him deal with pain and fatigue. He is being a trouper, tho. No, I don't want to do Christmas. But am doing gift cards mostly myself this year. Hope everyone understands. (have 6 grandchildren, 10 to 20 yrs old so got names of stores they like, so they would feel that I had at least tried to make them personal)
I too will be glad when it passes. God bless us all. (and he does, no doubt about it.)

This could have been written by me. I awoke tis morning feeling so sad remembering my former Christmases. This year I did absolutely nothing for the holiday, I just cannot get in the mood. My mother has been with me for three years. Her first year with me I went all out trying to make a Christmas for her-decorations, gifts, family dinner, etc. It was for nothing-not even a smile. Last year I did less. Most of my day last Christmas was spent crying because of her attitude. This year I said, "Why bother?" I am really upset with myself because I have allowed someone else to rob me of my joy. Happy holidays.

Truthfully, I don't feel like it either and haven't for several years, but - and I am safe to say this here as no one in family will see it - my middle son and dil want to come over and celebrate with me, bless their hearts. So I will make a little effort, put a few decorations up, cook a turkey etc. My sig other sees his kids at Christmas and I don't go (long story) so I am used to being alone and don't mind it. I will light a fire, and some candles, play some music and son and dil can help make the meal. Best wishes to all for a little time of rest and reflection about what the season means.

Yes I know how you feel. Just lie low. You are doing something so important. You are in the trenches right now. It's hard. That's the reality. Just do whatever helps you cope...like reaching out to people who understand.

Lost my husband last March to Liver Cancer. I really just feel like being alone this holiday and resting. Nothing to prove or fake. Just some silence and my cat.

No Christmas in this house. Not for several years now. No family here, no step family here or nearby. Very depressing time of year. I understand completely if someone doesn't celebrate, outwardly. I remember what this time of year means...in my heart.

Christmas recognizes the day that the greatest Light and the ultimate CAREgiver was born into this world. In the presence of light, darkness flees.

Jesus is the original and supreme example of what a careGIVER is: Someone who sacrifices (gives) themself with no looking-for nor guarantee of a return on their sacrifice. He offered His light to all and in return He asked that those who partook of it tell others about it, to LOVE one another.

When you are feeling low at Christmas, you feel somewhat of what Jesus must have felt every day of His life. Ironically this places you at the heart of Christmas, not outside the door.

Jesus has been there and done that. And through those who partake of His light... IS there and IS doing that. Yes there is suffering!

Draw some strength from Him , (Jesus understands suffering, loneliness and despair!!) then get-up, go -out and give some more!

I always celebrate Christmas at my house with kids and extended family. The only downer is my sister and mother. They are two peas in a pod, unhappy lonely existences that do not enjoy xmas, yet they show up at my house to celebrate with my other family members. Sister doesn't bother with gift giving and mother sends money ahead of time. I try not to let them affect my Christmas cheer, but man are they the scrooge gloomers.

The holidays might as well be another day. We've had my mother for 6 years now and the last 3 something happens that just sucks the life out of the season. My mom has PD and dementia. Between the falls, behavioral problems and sundowning the days come and go.

First of all, you don't have to celebrate Christmas. It's no kind of law. If you don't feel like it, don't do it. If your dad has dementia, he won't miss it. Just skip it and don't feel bad about it.

But, like others said, maybe you need to make a special day just by trying to do something nice for yourself. We put lots of pressure on ourselves to have Christmas, do happy things, meals, etc... but skipping it and trying to make a "me day" (as much as you can when you're busy taking care of someone else) is an alternative. If you like candles, get the electric ones, or scents, they have ones to put on light bulbs, and I mention that because candles can so easily be knocked over by the one you're taking care of, in many cases. Could it be that you can afford a special meal that marks a special day for you? Maybe those pre-made meals from the store, just to give you a break from cooking, if you're doing all the cooking? What could you do that you could afford that would take just a little stress and work off your shoulders? That's what I would pick to do and it doesn't have to have anything to do with a calendar/religious holiday but a mini-holiday for you.

But, then, if you're worried your siblings will insist you do it "for Dad" just tell them that you're too tired from taking care of him. If they're remotely willing to assist, you have two choices that I can think of:
1. They can invite you and Dad over, if they are close-enough and Dad is able to travel. You shouldn't bring a dish or do clean-up because you'll still be watching Dad even at their house, most likely. Don't take on any extra responsibilities or it defeats the purpose.
2. They can bring something to your house. You did say they don't seem interested in spending Christmas there, but if they stopped by for a visit with a plate of cookies and you all threw on a pot of coffee, that's just a little something. And the benefit of that is that, without them all in your kitchen, you then don't have to clean-up.

I know exactly what you mean! Since my parents died it isn't the same and I am 61. I wish all of you a Merry Christmas and a Happy NewYear.

You might have SADS - Seasonal Affective Disorder Syndrome. It occurs in the winter months when people stay indoors and don't go out into the sunshine. Get a handle on your own mental health first, and then you can manage your father's health better. Stay the course, or when it gets too much for you to handle, let professionals take over. Don't let your health suffer. Merry Christmas!

Sickoldwoman
Why not put up a wooden Santa with a large target on his belly!
Count the bullet holes on his belly and add these to your list of blessings.
May you find Peace

It's also hard to get into the spirit of Christmas 100% when the person you take care of and who lives with you and your family....my mom....stopped celebrating Christmas years ago......she says it's "just another day." :( And this didn't start when my dad was ill or mom's dementia started.....this goes back to the 1980's.........but I've always taken the high road and continued to buy them presents.......and give them cookies, etc.

It took me longer than usual to get my house decorated and I still have to wrap presents but I'll be damned if I'm going to let negativity ruin my holiday! My family and I love Christmas.....I'll just let mom sleep in on Christmas morning like she does every morning (did this last year)....and she can open her gifts whenever.......it is what it is..........

I understand completely how you feel. I think a lot of people who are older feel the same way. The happy commercials don't do a thing for us. Life has handed us the cards we're dealt and we have to deal with them. Other than church, Christmas is just another day of the week for me. I have my 93 yr old dad who is starting to fail and 3 sons who have kicked me to the curb. The 9 yr old twins that I adore have been kept from me for 6 months. Did I do something? No, it's because of my sons divorce and him getting back at me for questioning what paper he had my dad sign. Dad told me he didn't know what he signed. Did he leave you a copy? No. So I ask my son and I'm told it's none of my business then I'm called vile name. Therefore the best way to hurt me is to withhold the twins. It's ok though. I notified my dil that if I don't get to see them, I'm going to an attorney about Grandparent's Rights. Kind of shocked her but guess what..I can see the kids on Thursday for Christmas. Anyway, life is not the bowl of cherries we thought it would be. What I've done to get me through is to look at the good things about my life. Yes, dad is failing, but he is still here. I have the best friends a person could ask for and thankfully there is enough money to pay the bills. My suggestion is to make the best of it and be very thankful when New Years Day rolls around. For those who can't or won't help, Karma has a way of coming to visit them. God Bless you.

nearly seven years of economic recession have probably got us all feeling a little less than jovial. i think the middle class might have needed a reality check but the working poor have taken a beating. not dissing the middle class but building 6000 sq ft mcmansions for two occupants just bordered on the surreal.