Anyone else feel this way about Christmas right now? I have no desire to celebrate Christmas this year.

I understand completely how you feel. I have for whatever reason for these past several years have suffered awful losses, everyone is smiling, toasting, eating, and me I am trying to make it through another loss, trying to make sense out of it all, trying to pick up my shattered self. I just hold on to the true reason for the season and that to me is hope and peace and perhaps somewhere down the road, I'll find that old feeling again about Christmas. I understand when you say, you only know what day it is when it is time to bring out the garbage, LOL. Okay so, I'll make a deal with you, if you find a way to make yourself an exquisite meal for yourself, out or in, and buy something you really really want for yourself, something that will make you smile, doesn't have to be big, a new book, a cool cd, new runners, new boots, something just for you! Or just make a commitment to yourself to take better care of yourself, if that is by exercising, laughing, whatever, just do it. Happy Holidays, there is a reason for the season somewhere in all of it.

What helped me is doing some basic decorating, without going all Griswold, just simple candle lights in the windows, lit 24/7, help brighten the day.

My sweet husband died 3 1/2 years ago and Christmas will never be the same for me. I miss him in every corner. I also resent "perfect happy" couples etc etc. But since my husband's death, I have learned to "fake it" pretty well. No one expects me to still be grieving so it's just easier to pretend.
However I am grateful to the Lord for any and every small blessing. And thanks to God....I look forward to being with my husband once again when it's my time.
I've learned that big losses bring me closer to God. And there I have found peace. That's Christmas after all.

Holidays...Christmas...New Year's...Um, Er, Ahem, what are those again?

It's hard to get in the party mood, isn't it? If all I have to contribute is my recent caretaking, near-death and crossing over experiences, I just stay away until I can envision myself talking about something more positive.

AND, as caretakers, aren't most of us hyper sensitive to other people's feelings and don't want to be a "wet blanket" at festivities?

I did most of the usual decorating and I still enjoy the warm light from the Christmas tree; I don't know to what degree hubby gains any peace or remembrance from things but I set him in the room, put on some soft Christmas music and what will be will be. One thing I did different this year, and I liked this, was to NOT spend the season in crowded shops wondering what to buy for this one and that one, it was all gift cards. I did, however, buy hubby a Homedics Shiatzu massage cushion for the chair, and guess what, he likes it! It massages whole back, upper or lower back, and heats up; it goes for 15 minutes and then shuts off. I set him there a couple times a day and it's obvious he likes it, yay!

CarolLynn I agree about us caregivers don't want to be a wet blanket!! It's never about us... As long as everyone else is happy then we're happy..

We're invited to my brothers and I hope my Mom decides that she doesn't want to go. For the first time I won't coax her into it.. I'll be happy to use her as my excuse not to go!

I tried to find an Advent calendar for my mother, just one, that was about Christmas and not about chocolate, presents and reindeer. No joy.

If there is an upside to not being able to join in the parties and the razzmatazz, I think it's the reminder that Christmas is about the world's redemption. It's not about overspending, overeating, hyperactive/hyperanxious children, getting drunk and saying things you later regret on top of your hangover.

I completely sympathise with that hollow feeling of being left out in the cold. We can't go anywhere and none of my siblings will come here so I have to distract my mother's attention somehow. I plan to spend the day spoiling her rotten but I haven't quite figured out how - it's amazingly hard to know what people would really like when they've spent their lives fruitlessly trying to please everyone else.

The other mosquito buzzing in a tiny corner of my mind is that I didn't, after all, point out in plain terms to my brothers that they haven't spent Christmas with my mother for six years and this could be their last opportunity. Too late now. I'll just have to hope there will be more and better ones to come.

It is hard to feel joy when we are feeling like the joy has been sucked out of us. Society and advertisers in particular put all these expectations in us of what the holidays should be. Try not to fall in that trap. You didn't say if you feel anything spiritual, and since I don't know, I hesitate to suggest that you get in touch with that side of yourself. Perhaps put your dad in the care of someone for a day. Do only thing that nourish you. Once I was so upset with my dad that I decided I needed a day off. I put on music that was truly relaxing and meditative that spoke to me. I had a hot bath. Did a facial mask. Lit a candle. Did some spiritual reading, meditated and just recharged my batteries. It's hard to be a part of the holiday spirit when our own spirits are depleted. It's ok to feel this way. If your disinterest in life continues, please see your doctor. You might be depressed and need help. Know that the spirit of Christmas is with us always. One of the best movies to rent is A Charlie Brown Christmas. It says it all. Peace be with you dear one.

I am going through the same thing. While be glad when it's all over. My mom is end stage Parkinson's plus strokes plus dementia. I have my own health issues and so Im going through the motions with xmas. Im glad Im not alone.

Kizna, you've hit the nail on the head with this: "Im glad Im not alone."

We're not alone. I propose we all drink a toast - even if it's in cold coffee or Diet Coke - on the day to our "friends on the Forum." Merry Christmas, every one!

I've lost so many people I love so dearly, lost my husband last year at age 53, it crushed me. Now I have Dad in my home, he's 77, disabled and has moderate dementia. Along with taking care of dad, my only sibling threatens me for it, thinks I'm getting paid for it or taking dads money. So I take care of a 6'1" 200 lb man who cannot walk, has dementia, I get nothing for this except that I know it's the right thing to do, and I have another man harassing me for it who has no intention of helping his dad at all.

This time of year can be very hard on caregivers, even more so if you're the one who always planned the family holiday for everyone else, which is also common, it's another caregiver attribute. Being a full time care giver is draining. I like the idea one person had of somehow getting a day to yourself, even just one as a treat. What I did this year to try to keep myself from getting too depressed, I didn't put up a tree, there was no reason to, but I got a few poinsettia's to put around the house, and some battery operated candles (they're safer when you're distracted by so many other things). It gives the place as much a Christmas feel as a tree and presents and a lot easier, even made dad happy. I cut back drastically on gifts, I just flat out told everyone (adult children), I just can't do it and that's it, that helped, things to keep in mind for next year. To be a good caregiver, you have to take care of yourself, you just do, you have to find time for yourself, treat yourself in some way and you have to be able to get a break which is a must, any way you can. And sometimes you'll probably have to be very creative to find a way to get that break, but like I said, it's a must.

Overall we as caregivers are going to have moments of sadness, good memories but they make us sad, sadness from simply not being able to move on with our own lives, which only those who have lost and caregivers can understand. I often ask myself why? Why have things turned out like this? There is a reason for everything, and some day we'll know why, so do the best you can with what's placed at your feet, whether good or bad, hardship or not. Do not be heavy hearted, for those who have taken on this responsibility carry this heaviest burden for a reason, carry it well. But do not forget to love yourself, there is nothing wrong with that, take care of yourselves. Hugs and a Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you all.

Peace to everyone
Lav this will be a sad time for you. mom is where she needs to be,
Tex let him do what he wants. he's a big boy and responsible for his own actions.
CM enjoy that wine and share a little with Mom
Emjo I know you will have a way to find Joy
CarolLynn. I know you have your own ways of finding Peace even through pain.
All those paid caregivers. Enjoy the time with them. Even the miserable ones appreciate all you do. You are an anchor in stormy seas.
I"ll get to others after I have posted this because it will disappear unless I post

I too am very "Bah Humbug" this year.. I have never been a big fan of the commercialism of Christmas..
I am my husbands caregiver and its just him and I. One son and the 3 grandkids live on the opposite coast and cant afford to come, not I can afford to fly 5 people here and put them up in a hotel.. Even if I had the room for them it would be too much commotion for my husband.. My other son is out of the country with his job thru February, he and his wife live 2200 miles away and she is going to her family for the holidays. The grandkids, all teenagers are the only one that got a gift, cash their favorite.. I sent no cards this year,and the only decorations are a couple of artificial wreathes on either side of garage door! I really am not feeling it at all this year..

THO our elder attorney who prepared our DPOA's called me yesterday to invite us to her farm for Christmas dinner.. I cried with her being so thoughtful. The only problem with that, is she will have a houseful of friends and clients that have no families to celebrate with and the noise of all talking etc will be too much for my husband. He just cant deal with too much noise, too many folks talking at one time.. Its also a 2 hour drive (she drives that every day to her office). So, I am thinking about it, and told her I would let her know.. I had not spoken to her since this past summer and was overjoyed to tears that she even thought about us.
I have become so thin skinned and jealous of folks that live "normal" lives. Dont get me wrong, I take very good care of my husband, and really dont mind doing it he wants to take a ride today in the car and we will.. I plan a few day trips a week, sometimes just to bike trails with him on his mobility scooter and I riding my bike and the dog runs with us. For some reason the past couple months I really miss how life USE to be very much.
So glad like others that I am not alone.. I suppose its like the old saying "misery loves company"..

But we will all get thru the holidays one way or another, because we have to for our loved ones we care for.

Merry Christmas to all. :)

I so relate to each of you caregivers, but allow me to make a comment. This time last year, my mother suffered a brain bleed, was in intensive care for a week and then I place her in an assisted living facility because she could no longer walk and I didn't think I could care for her anymore. She had already been living with us for over a year. She was miserablein the ALF, calling out my name, being confused and at one point they did not want me to see her, because they were afraid I would get her riled up. They gave her more meds and she got increasingly worse. Christmas Day came and I told my husband and son that we were going to the ALF for their Christmas party. My sweet son then says, "Mom, this is probably Grandma's last Christmas, and I think she deserves to be with her family and not a bunch of strangers, so let's go get her and bring her home." With tears in my eyes I called the ALF and told them I was coming to get her and we did. All that day, she kept thinking it was her birthday and she had a great time. When the ALF said they couldn't keep her because she was so disruptive, we brought her home. She declined over the months and passed away in August of this year. I miss her so much and I have no desire to celebrate Christmas, since this is my first Christmas without her. Your role as a caregiver won't last forever although it seems like it may. It is a very difficult role to perform, but you will never be sorry. You will have sadness but also a joy that you were able to see your loved one through. I am praying for each of you and myself to get through the holidays with the peace that surpasses all understanding that comes from God! Please just realize that for a time, you have taken on the role of caregiver and your life will never be the same. You will be forever changed by your love and selflessness. May God be with you!

I did not know if I would have my husband back home for Christmas but 3 weeks ago I put up our great silver tree & color light and each day after visiting him I would decorate it a little at a time and told myself that tree will stay up until he can come home to see it, my wish came true December 17 th when he was released to come home, every night I said a prayer for him and the Dr who for 31 days came up with the right mixture of meds to make it possible to be home with me and the first thing he fixated on was the beautiful tree, beside my husband ( 82 mod ALZ) and the birth of of Lord The rest is trivial, there will be no presents, nothing else I need and he would not understand as he's just content being home and he knows me now, all the time, that's my biggest gift.

the hardest part for me was Christmas cards, wish it could have passed on that this year, I did cut back, but as usual the first 3 you get are from the group you cut! ...and gifts...I bit the bullet one evening went online and ordered everyone on my list an edible gift from a USA small business, that made me feel good as I cannot take the crowds of shoppers anymore. All in all, although it is hard for each and everyone of us caretakers, we have to keep our spirits up, move on over to their world every day and believe me it will work out. God Bless Us Everyone and Merry Christmas to all.

I am feeling the same way this year, I take care of my 85 year old mother with dementia and do not have any desire to go thru this holiday. I am basically just going through the motions to get it over with... I do feel bad for my kids who are a little older but still I have been the one who always enjoyed Christmas it was always my favorite holiday! I was glad when I saw this and that I was not the only one feeling this way.... I want to wish all of us on here to try to have a nice holiday and peace in the new year.

Actually, there's a special energy going at Christmas that we can tap into if we focus on the reason for the season rather than the secular trimmings. This is not a time to meditate on past hurts but rather to remember the promise of the holy birth.

Christians celebrate God taking human form, walking among us and teaching. And the truth is that God takes birth in each heart as we enter the world and His presence can be felt by all who seek Him within. This is our true birthright.

Read aloud the story of the holy birth to your father, fully focused on it. If your loved one is capable of it, let them read it aloud. Listen to religious Christmas carols and sing along in place of suffering the agitation of TV. Or at least find something uplifting to watch and mute the commercials.

What you seek is not outside you. Focus on your heart and that peace which passes understanding and never changes no matter what our circumstances are. And may all the blessings of Christmas be yours. Amen.

nearly seven years of economic recession have probably got us all feeling a little less than jovial. i think the middle class might have needed a reality check but the working poor have taken a beating. not dissing the middle class but building 6000 sq ft mcmansions for two occupants just bordered on the surreal.

I understand completely how you feel. I think a lot of people who are older feel the same way. The happy commercials don't do a thing for us. Life has handed us the cards we're dealt and we have to deal with them. Other than church, Christmas is just another day of the week for me. I have my 93 yr old dad who is starting to fail and 3 sons who have kicked me to the curb. The 9 yr old twins that I adore have been kept from me for 6 months. Did I do something? No, it's because of my sons divorce and him getting back at me for questioning what paper he had my dad sign. Dad told me he didn't know what he signed. Did he leave you a copy? No. So I ask my son and I'm told it's none of my business then I'm called vile name. Therefore the best way to hurt me is to withhold the twins. It's ok though. I notified my dil that if I don't get to see them, I'm going to an attorney about Grandparent's Rights. Kind of shocked her but guess what..I can see the kids on Thursday for Christmas. Anyway, life is not the bowl of cherries we thought it would be. What I've done to get me through is to look at the good things about my life. Yes, dad is failing, but he is still here. I have the best friends a person could ask for and thankfully there is enough money to pay the bills. My suggestion is to make the best of it and be very thankful when New Years Day rolls around. For those who can't or won't help, Karma has a way of coming to visit them. God Bless you.

It's also hard to get into the spirit of Christmas 100% when the person you take care of and who lives with you and your family....my mom....stopped celebrating Christmas years ago......she says it's "just another day." :( And this didn't start when my dad was ill or mom's dementia started.....this goes back to the 1980's.........but I've always taken the high road and continued to buy them presents.......and give them cookies, etc.

It took me longer than usual to get my house decorated and I still have to wrap presents but I'll be damned if I'm going to let negativity ruin my holiday! My family and I love Christmas.....I'll just let mom sleep in on Christmas morning like she does every morning (did this last year)....and she can open her gifts whenever.......it is what it is..........

Sickoldwoman
Why not put up a wooden Santa with a large target on his belly!
Count the bullet holes on his belly and add these to your list of blessings.
May you find Peace

You might have SADS - Seasonal Affective Disorder Syndrome. It occurs in the winter months when people stay indoors and don't go out into the sunshine. Get a handle on your own mental health first, and then you can manage your father's health better. Stay the course, or when it gets too much for you to handle, let professionals take over. Don't let your health suffer. Merry Christmas!

I know exactly what you mean! Since my parents died it isn't the same and I am 61. I wish all of you a Merry Christmas and a Happy NewYear.

First of all, you don't have to celebrate Christmas. It's no kind of law. If you don't feel like it, don't do it. If your dad has dementia, he won't miss it. Just skip it and don't feel bad about it.

But, like others said, maybe you need to make a special day just by trying to do something nice for yourself. We put lots of pressure on ourselves to have Christmas, do happy things, meals, etc... but skipping it and trying to make a "me day" (as much as you can when you're busy taking care of someone else) is an alternative. If you like candles, get the electric ones, or scents, they have ones to put on light bulbs, and I mention that because candles can so easily be knocked over by the one you're taking care of, in many cases. Could it be that you can afford a special meal that marks a special day for you? Maybe those pre-made meals from the store, just to give you a break from cooking, if you're doing all the cooking? What could you do that you could afford that would take just a little stress and work off your shoulders? That's what I would pick to do and it doesn't have to have anything to do with a calendar/religious holiday but a mini-holiday for you.

But, then, if you're worried your siblings will insist you do it "for Dad" just tell them that you're too tired from taking care of him. If they're remotely willing to assist, you have two choices that I can think of:
1. They can invite you and Dad over, if they are close-enough and Dad is able to travel. You shouldn't bring a dish or do clean-up because you'll still be watching Dad even at their house, most likely. Don't take on any extra responsibilities or it defeats the purpose.
2. They can bring something to your house. You did say they don't seem interested in spending Christmas there, but if they stopped by for a visit with a plate of cookies and you all threw on a pot of coffee, that's just a little something. And the benefit of that is that, without them all in your kitchen, you then don't have to clean-up.

The holidays might as well be another day. We've had my mother for 6 years now and the last 3 something happens that just sucks the life out of the season. My mom has PD and dementia. Between the falls, behavioral problems and sundowning the days come and go.

I always celebrate Christmas at my house with kids and extended family. The only downer is my sister and mother. They are two peas in a pod, unhappy lonely existences that do not enjoy xmas, yet they show up at my house to celebrate with my other family members. Sister doesn't bother with gift giving and mother sends money ahead of time. I try not to let them affect my Christmas cheer, but man are they the scrooge gloomers.

Christmas recognizes the day that the greatest Light and the ultimate CAREgiver was born into this world. In the presence of light, darkness flees.

Jesus is the original and supreme example of what a careGIVER is: Someone who sacrifices (gives) themself with no looking-for nor guarantee of a return on their sacrifice. He offered His light to all and in return He asked that those who partook of it tell others about it, to LOVE one another.

When you are feeling low at Christmas, you feel somewhat of what Jesus must have felt every day of His life. Ironically this places you at the heart of Christmas, not outside the door.

Jesus has been there and done that. And through those who partake of His light... IS there and IS doing that. Yes there is suffering!

Draw some strength from Him , (Jesus understands suffering, loneliness and despair!!) then get-up, go -out and give some more!

No Christmas in this house. Not for several years now. No family here, no step family here or nearby. Very depressing time of year. I understand completely if someone doesn't celebrate, outwardly. I remember what this time of year means...in my heart.

Yes I know how you feel. Just lie low. You are doing something so important. You are in the trenches right now. It's hard. That's the reality. Just do whatever helps you cope...like reaching out to people who understand.

Lost my husband last March to Liver Cancer. I really just feel like being alone this holiday and resting. Nothing to prove or fake. Just some silence and my cat.

Truthfully, I don't feel like it either and haven't for several years, but - and I am safe to say this here as no one in family will see it - my middle son and dil want to come over and celebrate with me, bless their hearts. So I will make a little effort, put a few decorations up, cook a turkey etc. My sig other sees his kids at Christmas and I don't go (long story) so I am used to being alone and don't mind it. I will light a fire, and some candles, play some music and son and dil can help make the meal. Best wishes to all for a little time of rest and reflection about what the season means.