Anyone else feel this way about Christmas right now? I have no desire to celebrate Christmas this year.

Wow, 94 yrs old!! I have an aunt that is 94! I believe and pray this yea r will be better for all of us here. Ty for starting this site, it has really helped me! Hugs,
Kizna

Last year on Christmas of 2012, I had taken care of my mother full time while also unemployed. My other family lives out-of-state. In the year 2012, we had a very quite Christmas and New Year together at home and we both managed to attend Mass.I was not really sure that any recreational function, not even Christmas of 2012 would bring any more fun in my life, but with Mom now in assisted living and me now at home alone in 2013, I was able to celebrate normal holidays but still pray for Mom in her sate living arrangement at her age of 94.

I appreciate all the responses to my post. It really helps a lot to know we are not alone in our situations! My dad turned 95 the day before xmas eve, and we had a very nice time with unexpected visits from some family members we hadn't seen in a long time. I realized I can't do the impossible by having everything the way I used to at Christmas time, and just did the best I could. Didn't get the tree and decorations up until Christmas eve, but it turned out to be fun - My sister from Georgia came down with her daughter and grand daughter - even though after she got here, she gets a call that her husband quit his job - so he drove down the next day. So a little good wine and some spirits helped too....Even though my dad acted terribly the entire time, we found a way to have fun. It was the most unusual Christmas I've ever had. Not perfect, not super great, but just good enough, and I enjoyed it. I loved reading all of your responses. Now every ones gone, and it's another day of caregiving with no help...back to my current 'normal'. I wish you all the best this coming new year.

Madeaa I guess it's just protocol but the NH calls me for every little thing and it makes me crazy. The next time I'm there I'll have the records noted to do what they think is best and only to call me for something serious.

Yes, I agree Emjo, loved we divorced for religious reasons, he thought he was God, I didn't har har har. Ashlynne, I found it odd that since mom is in NH that they just didn't send her to the hospital, or have the doctor come in, and for that matter if it was just a skinned finger an RN could have taken care of it, that is what happens in my mother's NH??? For me the plusses of my mother being in NH is that there is a team to pick her up if she falls, not just me, and if she requires medical help she has it 24/7.

EMJO-
Love that, so many to fit personalities of some\many family members. I especially liked the one about divorcing for religious reasons. Where do you come up with some of your posts? You have some very good things to share.

Ernio you are too funny! At least I haven't lost my sense of humour. I'm actually feeling quite strong lately. I will not jump, I will not run and I have no guilt whatsoever. I ensure my mother has whatever she needs and pay the bills. After that I visit when I feel like (I can stand) it. My phone rang 3 times this evening, just one ring. Probably her. I told her some time ago, when she kept screaming at me down the phone, if she continued I'd change my number. She can barely dial the phone most of the time now but if she wants to play phone games my number gets changed and goes unlisted. After a lifetime of living hell I won't tolerate any more. I'll be 65 this summer, I'm free and it's my turn to rebuild my life and live in peace.

photo ((((((((((((hugs))))))))))) it must be terribly difficult having a beloved spouse go down hill with that disease.. You would be in a continual state of grief I would think. I hope you get some help here. There are others who are looking after spouses. My heart goes out to you. Life has no guarantees for happiness.

ashlynne - what a crazy circus. I have a Christmas Day ER story too from a few years ago. I swore never again. It was not an emergency either. She ate rich food after a gal bladder operation and got threw up. What did she expect? But we had to go through all the drama, at 7 am and I hadn't even had a cup of coffee. My tongue was hanging out. Also being Christmas day the street people had come into the ER to get out of the cold - it was insane...

A skinned finger is not an emergency. You could send her some big girl panties but I doubt she will put them on.

You know what they say about a narcissist - How many of them does it take to put in a light bulb? Only one -they hold it and the world revolves around them.
A narcissist is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house
There's nothing wrong with narcissists that reasoning with them won't aggravate."
My husband and I divorced for religious reasons. He thought he was God and I didn't
What's a narcissist's idea of being a "slave"? Not being able to boss everyone else about.
What is a narcissist's idea of equality? Being equally bossy to everyone else
What is a narcissist's idea of being abused? Occasionally having to go along with someone else's preferences

and the last one which isn't funny

What's a sure-fire way of getting daily verbal abuse?
Be the child of a narcissist.

It is a ride, isn't it? (((((hugs))))) to you and let the phone ring and go to voice mail..

Emio last evening (Christmas Day) I got 4 calls from the NH. Though she can't stand alone my mother decided she'd go look in her closet, her bed alarm went off, the staff rushed but she was on the floor with a skinned finger. Call #1: we've cleaned it and put her back to bed; Call #2: It won't stop bleeding, will you drive her to hospital? - no I can't lift her and you won't help, call transport; Call #3: We can't get transport, can we call an ambulance and you pay for it? - I will pay, I don't care if you send her by helicopter or flying carpet; Call #4 (which I let go to voicemail): She's stitched and they're sending her back here - where dd I imagine they'd send her back?

I called her today and got heck for not rushing to sit and keep her company in the ER (from a woman who wouldn't lift a finger for her parents when they were very old and in bad shape). Over the years I've called an ambulance numerous times, blood all over the house and spent hundreds of hours in ERs and on medical emergencies and appointments. A skinned finger is hardly an emergency. It's about time she put on some big girl panties and realized the world doesn't revolve around "me, me, me".

I have to say I wish I were taking care of a parent, and not a beloved spouse who is young (72) and a triathlete and ironman who is physically healthy but lost in his Lewy Body Dementia. I think my profile picture says it all

ashlynne - good for you. I have let all phone calls go to voice mail for a while now and I am not answering many even then. I need the break. The years of stress add up. and it doesn't get any easier as we get older. (((((((hugs))))))

I cared for my narcissistic mother for four horrendous years - Parkinsons and dementia. She went into a NH in October/12 and in the December I moved into my wee dilapidated cottage out in the country. Winter weather, broken toe, driving back and forth 85km to get her house renovated and up for sale, her screaming at my down the phone almost daily and my tiny new home in such a bad state that I almost froze to death. I've had the cottage renovated over the summer and, although still prone to being manipulative and nasty (which I don't tolerate), a stroke a couple of months ago knocked some of the stuffing out of her.

This Christmas it was just me and my dogs. I didn't visit the NH as I have a cold. We're warm and cozy and well fed. I've been staying up very late watching movies, getting up in the morning to let the dogs out to potty then we've all gone back to bed til noonish. So much stress over the years I really needed this.

Sorry, she has dementia. What's that like when it gets worse???

My mom had dementia and Parkinson's end stages of it.. it's so hard...

Im glad glad glad it's over. I hate xmas. Sad isn't it? Yesterday my hubby and I took food to my mom and had to watch the caregiver feed her. It's really hard to watch that. It makes me cry.. Im crying. She was such a independent woman. Im hurting too that doesn't help...

I am just so glad that it is finally done!

@VickiG - Thank you for answering as to why the ALF would not keep your mom. I can tell you love her and that it is different between an adult child taking care of ones parent(s) and a spouse. I took care of my Mom for the year before she passed and immediately saw my dad needed care (dementia) and brought him into our home where he stayed until he passed. They were loving and cooperative and appreciated everything I did for them but it was still care taking and came with all the hardships of being a caregiver. Still, it brought me joy. Taking care of a selfish, narcissistic husband is a completely different topic for another day and in a different post.

Thank you I need a prayer please keep in contact with me!

I feel sao bad for you Overwhelm, I thought I had a bad day. You'll be in my prayers.

That was my Christmas day and I have a sister who lives here and brother too who never come visit I have uprooted my life and partners to come stay here in our motor home on their acre because my Mom ask me too we quit our jobs gave up our house and lives oh yes he came and said sorry and so did she but they have done this before and stupid me goes back to taking care of her because she will loose weight by not eating right and get more weaker if it wasn't for me none of his family has ever even come to visit and offer help and they live here don't get it?? Now it is boxing day and I am suppose to work at 9 am to do their breakfast but I am still so very hurt wondering if I should take the day off or go in and just forget it like usual need some advise and yes in the process of getting a caregiver but going through the Government loops sort of say.I have been up all night stressing over this situation I have put my self and partner in!

I feel the same way you do about Christmas it was horrible I am taking care of my Mom she has first stage of Parkinson's and I also take care of my step dad because he has been catered to by is mother and ex wife whom I think left him because she was very unhappy and tired of him being on his computer all day and expecting to be serve left and right and I mean everything so now I am basically doing the same only because my Mom can not do all this for him anymore yesterday I ask my Mother would she mine if I phone my Aunt and cousin before her lunch when I was done on the phone she was crying and complaining that her lunch wasn't made to her husband I ask why are you crying Mom she tends to do this quite often crying and calling him from upstairs off his computer every time I am doing something for her and not in her plane sight then my Step dad said because you are not taking care of her you are on the phone all morning which was not true it was 10 minutes then he took the phone out of my hand like I was a child and and said she is ill and I should be serving her right away I told him he was being rude this was Christmas day for crying out loud! I am so upset and they make me feel guilty I could say more on how they try to control or make me feel guilty for every time I do something for myself even when I go to the bathroom she is calling me then he knocks on the bathroom door your Mom needs you I don't have time to even brush my hair I have totally ignore my daily grooming it goes on!

I love your answer, maxine! Thank you! I made it though my First Christmas w/o my Mother. I missed her terribly! I count taking care of her to her last breath as one of my biggest accomplishments in life. It was both an honor and a privilege. I thank God for the strength He gave me to get through the caregiver days and thank Him that He chose me for the job!

Hi there....welcome to the "I used to love Christmas club." I love my mom, but miss my kids and grandkids.....they live out of town. Anyway, I try to remind myself what an honor it is to take care of an elderly parent, and "This too, shall pass." I understand totally...the only sibling support I get is by way of criticism, or total abandonment, but still do my best to stay positive. No matter what it takes, hang in there. I thing God chooses special people to take care of His most important humans...His elderly.

Peace to you.....

Maxine

When I realized that it is an honor, it helped me through Christmas. I understand that my mom will not be here next year. Just my presence and voice is a comfort for her. See if you qualify for in home assistance through your state. Mom has in the past. Home Instead and other companies are reasonable. Take a break

Bella's, my mother had a brain bleed, so she had involuntary shouting out my name over and over, she would pound the wall by her bed, and had hallucinations about the people working ther. She thought the night man was chasing her around the bldg when she couldn't even walk. Se was keeping the other residents awake at night, etc. that's why I brought her home.

@VickiG - This is off topic and maybe you can answer privately but when I read your statement "When the ALF said they couldn't keep her because she was so disruptive…" my heart stopped or so it seemed. Can you tell me what kind of disruptive behavior took place that would warrant them kicking her out?! On the topic of the Christmas Season, apart from the joy it represents, I too am hollow and have extreme "sadness from simply not being able to move on with our own lives, which only those who have lost and caregivers can understand" as GrannySmith so wisely stated. I have lost loved ones and that, for me, has been far, far easier than dealing with the daily narcissistic outbursts by my husband of 39 years and he is in an ALF. He causes the ALF problems daily, causes me problems daily and guess what, he has not friends or kin that like him, not even his grown son, so it is just me and I don't want the job either but I sure as heck don't want him to be kicked to the curb by the ALF. His doctor just fired us and gave 30 days to find a replacement, then the PT fired us because of my husbands 'delusions of grandeur' and refusing to cooperate. I finally found a new doctor but can't get in until January 10th and even then, who knows how long he will put up with the 'combative, noncompliant patient'? This will be the 4th doctor we have gone through. The best holiday I could give myself would be to walk away but the last little bit of the me that I use to be, the kind and caring part that hasn't been stomped on by him, knows no one else would do it. Worst Christmas ever...

Sometimes when we don't feel like being in the holiday spirit, we have to actually "do" something just to get into that feeling. It is what we do that will determine how we are going to feel. For example, I got more in the holiday spirit by giving gift bags full of edible treats to the staff members at the adult daycare where I take my grandpa. I also gave the daycare staff a merry christmas cake from the bakery. I took out the price tag from the cake cuz I didn't want them to feel like I spent too much or too little on it. I wanted to bake them holiday cupcakes but didn't have much time. My son and I received a hug for delivering the gifts. I haven't gotten a hug from a long time from anyone else (except my son). My son and I also put up a small white christmas tree at my grandpa's house and decorated it with candy canes. I struggled with the idea whether or not to leave the christmas tree there because my sister lives with my grandpa, we are not on the same vibration because she is selfish and only cares about herself but that's a different story. But I left it there anyway so my grandpa can enjoy the tree whenever he pays attention to it. Today, my son and I decorated our own 4ft white christmas tree at home. We will go again to Walmart today (they said it closes at 8pm) on Christmas Eve and see what other holiday items they have left on sale. Boy the shelves wiped out fast for the past couple times we were there! Then we plan on going to go see holiday lights via car. They have holiday programs on tv so we will watch those too.
My dad invited my son and I to go to a Christmas party tomorrow at my aunt's house but there are some relatives I do not want to be around because of our differences. I am however grateful that I got respite from taking care of grandpa for today and tomorrow since my sister will be there "watching" him as well as the other relatives. "Peace on Earth" has many meanings and one of those meanings means hanging around those who you feel comfortable with.

Today is my dad's anniversary, he died in the same place that my mother is in now. I knew my mother would never ever have placed dad somewhere that she did not have complete confidence in putting him, so that is some consolation for me. I spent a long time today remembering my dad and just told him good, bad and the ugly, I loved him then, I love him now and will love him for eternity. It was about dad today, tomorrow will be mom's turn, I am bringing her a big red christmas sweater with snowmen and reindeer, the perfect xmas sweater. I have lots of chocolates, a santa for her, some cookies and I will bring up a yule log I baked for us to have with our tea I'll make her up there. It hurts all over, but life does that to you, it can bring you to your knees, but Christmas is about for me hope that all things have seasons and reasons. I know I must grab life for me now and not live like I am an old lady, there will be time enough for that when it is time, now I will play AC/DC and put on my roller skates and party pants. Merry Xmas...

I plan on saying "cheers" a lot!!!

I know, right?!