Anyone else feel this way about Christmas right now? I have no desire to celebrate Christmas this year.

This could have been written by me. I awoke tis morning feeling so sad remembering my former Christmases. This year I did absolutely nothing for the holiday, I just cannot get in the mood. My mother has been with me for three years. Her first year with me I went all out trying to make a Christmas for her-decorations, gifts, family dinner, etc. It was for nothing-not even a smile. Last year I did less. Most of my day last Christmas was spent crying because of her attitude. This year I said, "Why bother?" I am really upset with myself because I have allowed someone else to rob me of my joy. Happy holidays.

It is hard for me again this year. My mom is in ALF, not happy. (I wonder if she has ever been really happy). She won't make friends, stays in her room mostly, and says things like "I'm so lonesome I want to die. My husband is in his 4th week of radiation for throat cancer so I am dealing with trying to help him with soft foods he can eat. Plus helping him deal with pain and fatigue. He is being a trouper, tho. No, I don't want to do Christmas. But am doing gift cards mostly myself this year. Hope everyone understands. (have 6 grandchildren, 10 to 20 yrs old so got names of stores they like, so they would feel that I had at least tried to make them personal)
I too will be glad when it passes. God bless us all. (and he does, no doubt about it.)

Solegiver, Thank you for bringing up this question, as well thank you to all who answered this question with their heart felt life stories. As I sit with tears rolling down my cheeks reading the life experiences of others who share this roll as caregiver, there is nothing more poignant that I could add. I'm grieving so many losses this year, job, live, family watching as both my parents are slipping away, I just noticed last week it's getting close, Christmas that is. God Bless you all on this board and thank you for being here, without you I would have completely lost my mind!

I'm a caregiver to my 91 year old grandpa with dementia as well as being a single mother. Being a caregiver and single mom does deplete a lot of your energy. It's almost Christmas and I haven't put up a tree yet. I will take my son to go buy a white christmas tree today. the key is to schedule your plan. What is it that you want to accomplish TODAY? Focus on today and then tomorrow focus on what you want to accomplish tomorrow and the next day and the next and so forth.

big hugs to you. I don't think there's anyone on this forum that does not understand what you're going through. Believe it or not this is where I found quantum physics to really help me get a grip on the physical aspects of our energy life force. All of us are expending energy every single day and if we don't do something too re energize ourselves then we become empty void inside. All I can say is that Christmas is not about a day it's about the spirit of giving and if giving your time to read a book to your dad is all that you can do or look through family photo albums then pat yourself on the back and don't feel as if it wasn't enough because you are all he needs. Much love

I believe this is really the first time I've not been in holiday mode or spirit and I'm really struggling. I feel robbed. I've been living with my 80 yr old alcoholic bitter angry depressed mother 3 years now and it's killing me slowly. The first Xmas I went all out but it wasn't appreciated. Last Xmas my sister was here, so there was joy and it was what the holiday should be. It was not appreciated by our mother and she said so. This season I was forewarned not to bother "celebrating" because it's just another day. I've been forbidden to decorate. There will be no gifts, no visitors. I'm really struggling to make it through. Counseling isn't helping. Mom shows signs of dementia but her daily drinking brings out the nasty anger and it's becoming increasingly difficult to deal with. I see that her basic needs are met then spend most of my time in my room. I have no money. I'm beyond tears. I'm at the end of my rope. I'm sure mom is doing this secretly hoping I won't listen then she will quietly enjoy the festivities I can provide but I'm choosing for the first time not to play the game. Both my sister and I have mentioned to our mother how unfair it is to forbid holiday cheer when this time of year I have my birthday days after Xmas so I only get this one week once a year to "celebrate". How unfair for her to be so selfish and mean. But I have no more energy to rebel or fight her by doing it anyway. I'm trying to muster the energy to take myself to church on Xmas Eve. Then I plan to visit my dad at the cemetery on Xmas day, to get out of this house. What's really helping me make it through this time of year is that I've promised myself I will never spend a holiday lonely and alone like this again. Next year I will make plans to go somewhere for Xmas. I've got to do it for me. I hope everyone reading this finds the joy and spirit of these holidays in their hearts.

I agree totally. Our miserable weather is not helping. Stay strong.

@ carek,
by age 80 one has bigger concerns than a holiday. my mother and aunt both abandoned holidays long ago. the main concern becomes creature comfort cause they arent healthy and have aches and pains. take moms drunk ass out to get a jr bacon cheeseburger and a shake.

I understand 100% how you feel. I decided that I will attend some festivities but I am not putting up the tree, making cookies, and going crazy with gift-giving. It's OK to just hang out. Do yourself a "gift" and take a hot shower or bath; go get a haircut or go for coffee. You DON'T have to celebrate it if you aren't up for it. It sounds like you are under enough pressure, overwhelmed and exhausted. Put your feet up and watch a movie- even a Christmas one like "Elf" might help a bit. Just don't be hard on yourself- you are definitely not alone!!!!

This has been a tough year for me. My dad died on Christmas night last year. Everyone tells me you can't let it ruin Christmas. Well yes I sure as hell can and I will. Christmas will never be the same. I am grateful for the time I had with him on Christmas day but will never forget standing over his grave in the cold on New Year's. That is when my caregiving began. My mother progressed pretty rapidly over this last year and is now in a memory center. She is finally in a place we can feel good about, but that was a long hard road of bringing her home over and over and hospital visits and nursing home, well everyone on here knows what caregiving involves. But now I feel like a daughter again, but I am still isolating and depressed. Loosing a parent is life changing, watching a parent with alzheimers is heartbreaking. Tough, Tough year.

Solegiver, you certainly are not alone. I am thinking the same thing!!!! When I was younger, I never understood why my Mother did not get all excited and caught up in the festivities of Christmas. Well guess what, I have arrived!!!!! My Dad is 94 and in AL and this very well could be my last Christmas with him. Knowing that, I am determined to make it a wonderful Christmas for him. If I am left with the memory next year, that's my good fortune. I had just as soon sleep through the next 10 days, but I am going to adjust this attitude of mine and we are going to enjoy this Christmas. I'll have the whole year 2014 to put away the tree, boxes, wrapping paper, ribbons, pack up all the decorations, and pay off the credit cards. I'll hate every second of it but Christmas day will be wonderful this year!!!!!

It is clear you are the only one with the heart for being the caregiver for your Dad. You have an enormous capacity to "do the right thing". However, sometimes "the right thing" is to look after yourself. There is respite care available to help you and if his cancer is terminal contact Hospice and they will come in and be a part of a team to care for him. You are NOT alone for God is with you always you. ALWAYS. Please know all the holly, jolly on tv is not what Christmas is about - it is about the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ who came to save us from our sins. Focus on that one thing and not the superficial issues at hand on the tv. Shame on thos who could provide you with some help - pray for them. I urge you to seek respite care or call Hospice for evaluation of this situation. You have so brave and lonely for too long. You have the right to some life as well. Go forth with the HOPE AND JOY of this special birth. He will guide you is you speak to him. Take a step for YOU! There is no shame in that at all. Your father has no idea you are the only one so it will not hurt his feelings - he is more or less in Heaven already my precious person. In Christ, Elizabeth

that sounded like something the pope mighta read off a teleprompter.

I'm a newbie caregiver to my 89 year old mother with Lewy body dementia and Parkinson's. I cared for my grandmother who suffered from Alzheimer's when it was too new to really define as being labeled Alzheimer's and was told she was just getting old and senile. At the time I was also a single parent with two toddlers to raise. Her son, my father, lived too far away to be able to deal with her situation so I stepped in to help. Unknowingly of what that entailed. I spent her last Christmas with her and had to celebrate it in the usual style for the sake of my children. I found myself feeling the same way as many caregivers here do. Not feeling in the spirit and wanting it to just be over with as simply and quickly as possible. I certainly didn't need more to do and think about. However, it turned out to be a gift. A very special day and worth the effort. I learned that Christmas is defined by us. Not what is in the media. Or what we have learned it to be as "traditional". Christmas became a new and very magical and unique experience for the four of us and created a very personal heartfelt and unforgettable day that changed me and also gave a memory to my children as to its true meaning. My grandmother was also transformed and in the way she experienced it...although sporadic and in her confused and limited way with the same day to day difficulties entertwined with the "tradition", gave me a perspective of true appreciation that only contributed to the specialness that that difference made.

Now that I'm faced with it again 20 years or so later, that memory gives me the optimism and openness to whatever this Christmas "struggle" will gift me with this year. Ease and comfort I know isn't an option but it's a "given" and I look forward to and am staying open to the surprising gifts that will be opened. 😊

It takes a letting go of what we once expected. Letting go of What made our comfort zone and understand it's not about what we do to make it right or make it happy. It about what happens among family as it's created in the moments of the day that define it. It becomes a loving and personal connectedness that supersedes our commercially driven sameness. I'm better for it and am much more accepting to allowing life to be different as it is for my mother.

She will pass soon. And I may be in her situation in my later life. I hope my children or my caregivers will be able or willing to come to this same place in their life's transition on such a culturally driven and falsely dictated seudo-family oriented holiday and benefit from the necessary personal changes to this holiday to fit the situation. I know this is not a popular thought and that changes in traditions are difficult. But so is the place that our aging parents find themselves. Difficult on both sides. But I think, rewarding in the heartfelt moments made possible when we let it just evolve and experience it as it will be. I trust my mom will "come back to life" and surprise me with a forgotten memory or two of Christmas' past.

So put on the Bing Crosby, break out the eggnog and Cap'n Morgan and plug in the lights 😊 For tomorrow we may be diagnosed...😀

I feel the same way - have no Christmas spirit at all, but finally went and bought just a small tree so that we have something for our grandchildren when they come for dinner. We are in a similar situation as GrannySmith as my husband's siblings keep making false allegations against us by calling the Department of Aging and even sheriff. When Mom came to live with us from his sibling, she had been put on hospice with 6 months to live and had lost over 50 pounds. Now - over 2 years later, she is back to a healthy weight and we try to give her a fulfilling life. However, since we have found and report financial exploitation by the other siblings, we live with constant aggravation. It is very hard to get into have any kind of holiday spirit knowing it could be the Sheriiff at the door again with another false allegation. Of course, the deputies have been wonderful and we know they are just doing their jobs. Their presence has actually supported our case since they can testify as to how well my Mom is doing. Unfortunately, having lived in Germany during WWII, the appearance of anyone in uniform, upsets Mom greatly. Though she is in moderate to severe stage of Alzheimer's, she does remember events from years ago. It can take us hours to get her calmed down. We all just need to remember we are doing the best we can do.

Dear Solegiver:
I feel exactly like you do, we have had a lot of losses this year in our family and its so hard to find joy in this holiday!!!!
I am an only child but do have two step-sisters but I am sole caregiver for my mother who is now 88. She had her first stroke back in 2007 and has been with us ever since. Last march brought on a bleeding stroke but with her doc and nursing home rehab she is back to where she was before that started. She got dementia with her first stroke and it luckily hasn't worsened. She does however have short term memory loss which can be frustrating for her and us.
I am tired, really tired, have gained probably 50lbs in the last 7 years, quit smoking(which was good 4 yrs ago), most of the time I don't even feel like getting cleaned up during the day as I am so busy doing this and that and then I am to tired to even worry about it. Mom can only be left alone for real short periods of time and doesn't always answer the phone when I leave it with her because she can't remember how to answer it.
I guess I am to tired and poor to even worry about Christmas, I did manage to pick up some things for her to open on Christmas morning but hubby and I aren't getting each other anything cause the money just isn't there.
We used to live in a different town but finally sold our home to move mom back to hers so I also am feeling isolated as we don't have any friends where we are now. Hubby still drives and hour and a half to work every day so that makes it late when he finally gets home. He had a heart attack last year just before Christmas so I am constantely worried about him too.
So sorry I am rattling, didn't mean to but after reading your post just wanted you to know you are not alone in your feelings.
I had better sign off now cause need to do some business things and then finally put up the tree. Maybe that will help some. We have Christmas with our kids if they get the time off, on the 4th of January so at least I don't have to rush yet.
Take care of yourself and I will try also and keep your chin up and remember you are not alone on this journey.

One thing for sure, Christmas is unique in the way it brings out our most deep feelings, happy or sad. It's such an emotional time. Can't deny that. On Christmas Day, at least, I wish for us all to be happy in our heart of hearts and on that day, push aside our cares! Merry Christmas fellow caregivers!

I know, right?!

I plan on saying "cheers" a lot!!!

Today is my dad's anniversary, he died in the same place that my mother is in now. I knew my mother would never ever have placed dad somewhere that she did not have complete confidence in putting him, so that is some consolation for me. I spent a long time today remembering my dad and just told him good, bad and the ugly, I loved him then, I love him now and will love him for eternity. It was about dad today, tomorrow will be mom's turn, I am bringing her a big red christmas sweater with snowmen and reindeer, the perfect xmas sweater. I have lots of chocolates, a santa for her, some cookies and I will bring up a yule log I baked for us to have with our tea I'll make her up there. It hurts all over, but life does that to you, it can bring you to your knees, but Christmas is about for me hope that all things have seasons and reasons. I know I must grab life for me now and not live like I am an old lady, there will be time enough for that when it is time, now I will play AC/DC and put on my roller skates and party pants. Merry Xmas...

Sometimes when we don't feel like being in the holiday spirit, we have to actually "do" something just to get into that feeling. It is what we do that will determine how we are going to feel. For example, I got more in the holiday spirit by giving gift bags full of edible treats to the staff members at the adult daycare where I take my grandpa. I also gave the daycare staff a merry christmas cake from the bakery. I took out the price tag from the cake cuz I didn't want them to feel like I spent too much or too little on it. I wanted to bake them holiday cupcakes but didn't have much time. My son and I received a hug for delivering the gifts. I haven't gotten a hug from a long time from anyone else (except my son). My son and I also put up a small white christmas tree at my grandpa's house and decorated it with candy canes. I struggled with the idea whether or not to leave the christmas tree there because my sister lives with my grandpa, we are not on the same vibration because she is selfish and only cares about herself but that's a different story. But I left it there anyway so my grandpa can enjoy the tree whenever he pays attention to it. Today, my son and I decorated our own 4ft white christmas tree at home. We will go again to Walmart today (they said it closes at 8pm) on Christmas Eve and see what other holiday items they have left on sale. Boy the shelves wiped out fast for the past couple times we were there! Then we plan on going to go see holiday lights via car. They have holiday programs on tv so we will watch those too.
My dad invited my son and I to go to a Christmas party tomorrow at my aunt's house but there are some relatives I do not want to be around because of our differences. I am however grateful that I got respite from taking care of grandpa for today and tomorrow since my sister will be there "watching" him as well as the other relatives. "Peace on Earth" has many meanings and one of those meanings means hanging around those who you feel comfortable with.

@VickiG - This is off topic and maybe you can answer privately but when I read your statement "When the ALF said they couldn't keep her because she was so disruptive…" my heart stopped or so it seemed. Can you tell me what kind of disruptive behavior took place that would warrant them kicking her out?! On the topic of the Christmas Season, apart from the joy it represents, I too am hollow and have extreme "sadness from simply not being able to move on with our own lives, which only those who have lost and caregivers can understand" as GrannySmith so wisely stated. I have lost loved ones and that, for me, has been far, far easier than dealing with the daily narcissistic outbursts by my husband of 39 years and he is in an ALF. He causes the ALF problems daily, causes me problems daily and guess what, he has not friends or kin that like him, not even his grown son, so it is just me and I don't want the job either but I sure as heck don't want him to be kicked to the curb by the ALF. His doctor just fired us and gave 30 days to find a replacement, then the PT fired us because of my husbands 'delusions of grandeur' and refusing to cooperate. I finally found a new doctor but can't get in until January 10th and even then, who knows how long he will put up with the 'combative, noncompliant patient'? This will be the 4th doctor we have gone through. The best holiday I could give myself would be to walk away but the last little bit of the me that I use to be, the kind and caring part that hasn't been stomped on by him, knows no one else would do it. Worst Christmas ever...

Bella's, my mother had a brain bleed, so she had involuntary shouting out my name over and over, she would pound the wall by her bed, and had hallucinations about the people working ther. She thought the night man was chasing her around the bldg when she couldn't even walk. Se was keeping the other residents awake at night, etc. that's why I brought her home.

When I realized that it is an honor, it helped me through Christmas. I understand that my mom will not be here next year. Just my presence and voice is a comfort for her. See if you qualify for in home assistance through your state. Mom has in the past. Home Instead and other companies are reasonable. Take a break

Hi there....welcome to the "I used to love Christmas club." I love my mom, but miss my kids and grandkids.....they live out of town. Anyway, I try to remind myself what an honor it is to take care of an elderly parent, and "This too, shall pass." I understand totally...the only sibling support I get is by way of criticism, or total abandonment, but still do my best to stay positive. No matter what it takes, hang in there. I thing God chooses special people to take care of His most important humans...His elderly.

Peace to you.....

Maxine

I love your answer, maxine! Thank you! I made it though my First Christmas w/o my Mother. I missed her terribly! I count taking care of her to her last breath as one of my biggest accomplishments in life. It was both an honor and a privilege. I thank God for the strength He gave me to get through the caregiver days and thank Him that He chose me for the job!

I feel the same way you do about Christmas it was horrible I am taking care of my Mom she has first stage of Parkinson's and I also take care of my step dad because he has been catered to by is mother and ex wife whom I think left him because she was very unhappy and tired of him being on his computer all day and expecting to be serve left and right and I mean everything so now I am basically doing the same only because my Mom can not do all this for him anymore yesterday I ask my Mother would she mine if I phone my Aunt and cousin before her lunch when I was done on the phone she was crying and complaining that her lunch wasn't made to her husband I ask why are you crying Mom she tends to do this quite often crying and calling him from upstairs off his computer every time I am doing something for her and not in her plane sight then my Step dad said because you are not taking care of her you are on the phone all morning which was not true it was 10 minutes then he took the phone out of my hand like I was a child and and said she is ill and I should be serving her right away I told him he was being rude this was Christmas day for crying out loud! I am so upset and they make me feel guilty I could say more on how they try to control or make me feel guilty for every time I do something for myself even when I go to the bathroom she is calling me then he knocks on the bathroom door your Mom needs you I don't have time to even brush my hair I have totally ignore my daily grooming it goes on!

That was my Christmas day and I have a sister who lives here and brother too who never come visit I have uprooted my life and partners to come stay here in our motor home on their acre because my Mom ask me too we quit our jobs gave up our house and lives oh yes he came and said sorry and so did she but they have done this before and stupid me goes back to taking care of her because she will loose weight by not eating right and get more weaker if it wasn't for me none of his family has ever even come to visit and offer help and they live here don't get it?? Now it is boxing day and I am suppose to work at 9 am to do their breakfast but I am still so very hurt wondering if I should take the day off or go in and just forget it like usual need some advise and yes in the process of getting a caregiver but going through the Government loops sort of say.I have been up all night stressing over this situation I have put my self and partner in!

I feel sao bad for you Overwhelm, I thought I had a bad day. You'll be in my prayers.

Thank you I need a prayer please keep in contact with me!