What do you do when you feel like there's nothing you can do?

I take the phone off the hook, go upstairs and take a nap.
I tell my self "God has a plan" and He can take the calls.
Limit her to one call a day. Get her some Xanax or Ativan.
If she won't take them, I would.

Mom just passed after a year of care giving in my home. She couldn't even sit up in bed by herself. I was her legs, arms, hands, feet and brain. Oh, she was "here," all right, but almost helpless. Couldn't walk without a gait belt, a walker and me. Couldn't dress. Couldn't bath. Her life was filled with "couldn'ts".

Now that mom's passed and I look back? I honestly don't know how I did it. But I have an idea...

My life's philosophy has always been, "Just do the next right thing." I never thought much about the burden, I just did what had to be done. Tried to find some humor in it, and tried to make mom's last days on earth good enough to let her know she was safe and surrounded by love. I think I did that.

Did I sometimes fail? You bet. Sometimes I got short. Sometimes I was cross with mom -- mostly not believing she couldn't do better. I sometimes thought of how MOM'S life was when she was my age . . . very different from the life I was living. But, all in all, I have no regrets. I am human after all.

I didn't wallow...didn't dwell on negativity...didn't feel sorry for myself. It was a choice I made to care give for mom. One I'll never regret.

Bring a buddy into your life. I had one, and she helped immensely. I could unload my frustrations on her -- and did so liberally. She often had tips/tricks that helped. If that buddy has suffered an immense loss in his/her life, so much the better. They "get it".

And HERE. Unload here. This site helped me soooo much. Not only by unloading here, but by learning things -- and teaching things. I realized I'd found many shortcuts, tips and tricks that could help others. This site (and another public forum on the internet) were my absolute stress relievers.

Try it. It might work for you.

Absolutely, you can't control what is happening, only what you do in response to it.

So, for example: the phone rings. What happens if you don't take the call?

Unless the answer to that question is some kind of catastrophe, feel free to ignore it. Well, free-er, anyway: it takes practice to get used to the eerie peaceful feeling! But after you've tried it a few times and nothing dreadful has happened, you should find it easier to relax.

Setting up a good, reliable reporting system in case of emergencies will help. That way, if there is any *real* need for you to be contacted you'll know it will happen.

Thanks, country mouse. Friends had been telling me to do that for a while. Recently Mom left a message crying hysterically because she thought I'd called and told her my granddaughter died. Then she was saying that she'd been dreaming about babies. I assured her that I had not called; the baby was fine, and I was sorry she had to go through so much worry and emotional upset. I actually think she had dreamed (dreamt ?) that I called. So that was answer worthy.

Next time she called I let it go to the machine as I had company, and it was another accusatory call, asking "did YOU take my pkge?" Any time she misplaces something she accuse me of taking it. After several of those incidents, I just didn't call her back this time, having decided that I can't run over to the ALF every time she hides or misplaces something and then is sure I or someone else moved it. Not taking or responding to that call felt just fine. It has taken forever, but I am finally realizing that I don't have to jump at her every whim, and guess what? Nothing happened.

If your loved one is truly "loving" this may seem harsh, but my mother is often very verbally abusive, puts my kids down, and puts me down, and I have decided to put my own mental health first. My physical health has suffered from the stress, and having Epstein Barr Virus, while unpleasant and sometimes debilitating, has turned out to be a good excuse to "opt out" of her drama.

Meditation is excellent for fostering acceptance over something you can't change. So is exercise, it gives you control over your body which extends to your mind. Weight training gives you strength of body and mind. Walks relieve stress and opens your mind to solutions. The suggestion to see a therapist is excellent. I see one once a month, he gives comfort, support, and workable solutions. Good luck, this won't last forever

When she naps...I try to nap. Feels like I am back to when the kids were babies but that was how I coped then. You have to let some things slide so you can keep yourself sane. I am trying to stop the cycle of getting upset at the "way" mom talks to me or comments. I hear "mean things" and usually that isn't what she meant...part of the problem for us both.

We used to give kids a time out...not really for them but to keep them safe while we calmed down...that's what mom needs too. Take a time out...set a timer and both go to your corner and take slow breaths.

I am sorry Mom looks at the world through such cloudy lenses, but I must keep my vision clear because I don't want to be so negative. And a lot has happened to her to create this negative vibe...

Stay positive. Use statements like "I'm sorry you feel that way" and "Thank you for sharing that thought" which really just acknowledge their input without turning into a back and forth.

Find a middle ground...mom is more mom when we play cards. Sometimes I am tired and don't want to, but she can joke and focus on something besides the state of what she can't do when we play rummy...so I will try to make cards more important to me.

Find the bright spot to aim for..."keep going until the wedding" "have to hold that new expected great grandchild"... "remember tomorrow we are going to lunch with the kids"...

Try some hopeful signs. Actual signs of paper. Statements like " I Love you Nana" signed grandchild's name. That is often helpful and if you change them they will feel cared for and not forgotten.

This group forum helps me so much. I feel I am at the end of my rope each day more times than I can count. I deal with two of them and it is a constant struggle.

Maybe you could ask a family member, someone from church, good friend, etc to come and sit and talk with mom/dad while you just took long bath, read a magazine or took a nap. I would have my young teen daughter do her homework while keeping an eye on mom. I was still in the house if help was needed. Times like this i turned the phone off. Also if the budget allows maybe just getting a companion for a few hours a day to come in and talk to mom, read her a book or do her nails, would allow you some down time to re-energize. This is one of the hardest things you will ever do but knowing at the end of this journey you will have peace and know that you did the best you could. I kept reminding myself that had the roles been reversed my mom would have done the same for me.

I am finding it helpful to use this site, so many great comments, insights and suggestions here. For me, talking to a psychologist regularly helps me remember that I am doing my best and I need to do whatever I can to care for me too along the way. That looks different for different people and not all ideas are possible for each caregiver, but I hope you find some small things that you can reliably do to care for you. A cup of tea, a bath, a phone call to a friend, or journalling may work. I pray you'll find what works for you as I know it is an ongoing quest for many of us.

She cant help it. hang in there.

Please don’t try and make me Remember…
Don’t try and make me Understand…
Just let me Rest and know you’re with Me…
Kiss my Cheek and Hold my Hand

I’m Confused beyond your concept…
I am Sad and Sick and Lost…
All I know is that I need You…
To be with me at all cost.

Don’t lose your patience with Me…
Please don’t Scold, or Curse, or Cry….
I can’t help the way I am Acting…
Although I will try.

Just Remember that I need You…
And the Best of me is Gone…
Please just stay beside me…
Until my Life is Done.