I think feeling guilty is inevitable, but if you placed her out of love and compassion and a desire to see her get the care she needs, I wouldn't beat myself up over this move. Frequent visits and helping out everywhere you can should help the change as well.
Over a year ago had to put my Mom who has Alheimers in a very small nice place. She is 73 yrs old. Yes it was very hard, but now it was the best thing we could have done for her. She is in the best place. We go see her all the time. Keep your chin up, it is very hard for all of us.
I think we always feel bad when we do that, but sometimes it is the very best thing we can do. How does your grandma feel about it? Does she understand? I agree - visit, bring flowers, let her know in every way that she is loved and needed.
It's only a matter of semantics but perhaps thinking (and saying) "Grandma (or Mom..or Dad) is moving to a new place" is easier to deal with than "We're putting Grandma (or Mom or Dad) into a facility." Just a thought....
Why feel guilt? The most important person is the ill person and if they are best cared for in a facility that can provide medical care then you are doing a loving thing.
Write down on a sheet of paper the reasons you feel guilt, discomfort, whatever. And then take a deep breath and be rational. Where can grandma get the best care and be safe?
Some facilities allow personal items. Make sure grandma has pictures and items she loves. Dont be sad. This is just a stage for her in life . . . I am sure your parents felt sad when they sent you off to school. As kids we got new shoes or new notebooks bc "change" is often uncomfortable and our parents wanted to do something to make us embrace/accept the life change.
She is not deceased. She is alive. Cherish her life and make some new memories!!
Here we go again, nobody wants to feel bad for what they have decided. Don't mind me, I'm the only one to say "feel bad," if only for a few wailing moments. This is a big lifechanging decision for your grandma (I imagine your parent is taking the brunt of this decision making and not you?)
How would you feel if your freedom were systematically shaved away, and nobody shows any remorse, nor shares your pain. Everybody walks around doing the tasks of locking you away and sending you off, away from home, family, friends, pets.
When my mother had the kind of physical ailment that would mean nursing home and total sedation, I threw such fits of anguish that she KNEW I cared and did everything possible to keep her in her home. And I did it at the ER when Mom was screaming in agony from their proddings...with security guards filling the hallways and chanting "just let them do their job." (I really wailed this "Where's the MERCY!? I want my mother to go to the MERCY Hospital!!" ... 'just calm down and let them do their jobs, lady, they are..." And I'm sobbing and bouncing off the hallway walls.)
Just my take on things that people in pain just might want some agreement that "this totally sucks!!!" with a few tears shed in the process. All the guilt-avoiding advice...just digs you deeper into the "understanding is the booby prize" hole. Trying to justify and understand and clarify yourself out of a feeling. You feel bad, perhaps amp up some real empathy to be more sensitive to the fears and feelings of your grandma...And you do not use feeling these feelings as an excuse to stop the process if it is really necessary. You move her and everyone (or perhaps only one feels bad about it, and shows it) feels bad about it...and you all will do everything to make the new arrangement work.
There is too much "I don't feel like it" and "I don't really feel a connection with the person" and "I feel uncomfortable being around the situation"...you hear this stuff from the deadbeats. Or really you don't even get the chance to hear it: they just disappear and leave you stuck with everything.
So, this doesn't get a lot of votes. Tread this path at your own risk, I guess...or your own reward.
Gotta get Mom up now, whether I feel like it or not.
Feeling guilt can come from a lot of places. One is from something we promised them or they told us to promise them. Another is that we are totally helpless to 'make it better' because there is not getting better from getting ready to die. Possibly, guilt comes from not being able to keep them from dying so that we can avoid joining the ranks of the next elderly generation.
If you have done all that you can and her care has gotten above what you can do, then you have done all that you could so feel good that she's now in a place where she can be safe and taken care of.
I have sometimes felt both guilt and anger about forgetting my mother gave me the two POA's 2 years before she stopped paying taxes as well as made me a joint owner on her private bank accounts which I never looked at the statements, but had I, I would have seen the IRS was taking money from her and could have asked why. However, I can't be so rough on myself for my health crashed in 2003 and I went on full disability. I did the best I could at the time with what I knew and what I remembered. We ended up getting both POA's made once again in 2009 and I've been busy cleaning up the tax mess ever since with a new CPA instead of the family friends whom they trusted in the past.
Part of what I'm saying is that false guilt can come from a lot of places and some of them even misuse the Bible as a means of spiritual abuse to inflict such guilt which really is condemnation. I've seen people enslaved by such guilt to the point of self-destructive choices.
To know what kind of guilt one is dealing with can often be assisted with by a therapist or a clergy person with some actual training in doing therapy which not all of them are.
Is it normal to feel so guilty about putting a loved one in a home? Everyone's situation is different. There are lots of reason a person may need 24 hour care in a home. I have worked in the care sector for many years and
If this is an unhappy move for your grandmother, and if you view it as a bad thing that she is in circumstances that make this necessary, then feeling bad about it makes sense to me. People who don't feel bad when bad things happen are a little suspicious to me.
But guilt? That doesn't make sense to me. Is it survivor's guilt? You are young and she is not? Your turn at being old will come, if you are lucky. You did not cause your grandmother's health problems. You cannot make them go away. Guilt? I don't get it.
However ... if you think the NH is depressing and you use that as an excuse to stop being part of Gram's life, then, yes, shame on you. Then you should feel guilty. Visiting her often is something you can control.
Just a thought....
Write down on a sheet of paper the reasons you feel guilt, discomfort, whatever. And then take a deep breath and be rational. Where can grandma get the best care and be safe?
Some facilities allow personal items. Make sure grandma has pictures and items she loves. Dont be sad. This is just a stage for her in life . . . I am sure your parents felt sad when they sent you off to school. As kids we got new shoes or new notebooks bc "change" is often uncomfortable and our parents wanted to do something to make us embrace/accept the life change.
She is not deceased. She is alive. Cherish her life and make some new memories!!
How would you feel if your freedom were systematically shaved away, and nobody shows any remorse, nor shares your pain. Everybody walks around doing the tasks of locking you away and sending you off, away from home, family, friends, pets.
When my mother had the kind of physical ailment that would mean nursing home and total sedation, I threw such fits of anguish that she KNEW I cared and did everything possible to keep her in her home. And I did it at the ER when Mom was screaming in agony from their proddings...with security guards filling the hallways and chanting "just let them do their job."
(I really wailed this "Where's the MERCY!? I want my mother to go to the MERCY Hospital!!" ... 'just calm down and let them do their jobs, lady, they are..." And I'm sobbing and bouncing off the hallway walls.)
Just my take on things that people in pain just might want some agreement that "this totally sucks!!!" with a few tears shed in the process. All the guilt-avoiding advice...just digs you deeper into the "understanding is the booby prize" hole. Trying to justify and understand and clarify yourself out of a feeling. You feel bad, perhaps amp up some real empathy to be more sensitive to the fears and feelings of your grandma...And you do not use feeling these feelings as an excuse to stop the process if it is really necessary. You move her and everyone (or perhaps only one feels bad about it, and shows it) feels bad about it...and you all will do everything to make the new arrangement work.
There is too much "I don't feel like it" and "I don't really feel a connection with the person" and "I feel uncomfortable being around the situation"...you hear this stuff from the deadbeats. Or really you don't even get the chance to hear it: they just disappear and leave you stuck with everything.
So, this doesn't get a lot of votes. Tread this path at your own risk, I guess...or your own reward.
Gotta get Mom up now, whether I feel like it or not.
If you have done all that you can and her care has gotten above what you can do, then you have done all that you could so feel good that she's now in a place where she can be safe and taken care of.
I have sometimes felt both guilt and anger about forgetting my mother gave me the two POA's 2 years before she stopped paying taxes as well as made me a joint owner on her private bank accounts which I never looked at the statements, but had I, I would have seen the IRS was taking money from her and could have asked why. However, I can't be so rough on myself for my health crashed in 2003 and I went on full disability. I did the best I could at the time with what I knew and what I remembered. We ended up getting both POA's made once again in 2009 and I've been busy cleaning up the tax mess ever since with a new CPA instead of the family friends whom they trusted in the past.
Part of what I'm saying is that false guilt can come from a lot of places and some of them even misuse the Bible as a means of spiritual abuse to inflict such guilt which really is condemnation. I've seen people enslaved by such guilt to the point of self-destructive choices.
To know what kind of guilt one is dealing with can often be assisted with by a therapist or a clergy person with some actual training in doing therapy which not all of them are.
Everyone's situation is different. There are lots of reason a person may need 24 hour care in a home. I have worked in the care sector for many years and
But guilt? That doesn't make sense to me. Is it survivor's guilt? You are young and she is not? Your turn at being old will come, if you are lucky. You did not cause your grandmother's health problems. You cannot make them go away. Guilt? I don't get it.
However ... if you think the NH is depressing and you use that as an excuse to stop being part of Gram's life, then, yes, shame on you. Then you should feel guilty. Visiting her often is something you can control.