I feel guilty, depressed, and cry all the time since my mom had to go in a nursing home after her stroke. How do I accept this?

kaf1954,

Thank you for sharing your story. I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE. I feel a little more normal now reading your story. Except for the husband, it's practically my life exact story for the last 8 years.

The stress from holding down a full time job, keeping up on her laundry and finances and visiting her EVERY day, caused me to have a SAH stroke. I was one lucky girl. Don't let that be part of your story.

Take care.

I share the guilty feelings you have, and can sympathize completely. I love the advice given you here about visiting her as much as you can...bringing a smile, positive energy and little gifts that will delight. You are doing everything right. She is living in a place where she can get the care she needs, which has surpassed what you can offer at home.

I, too, have heard my mom say "I want to go home.". My heart breaks every time. I believe this inner struggle will continue as our hearts and our brains disagree a lot.

I also agree with the advice given here about putting lists together to prove to yourself that her living IN your house just isn't feasible any longer. Let your brain prove to your heart that this is the best scenario for your mom.

Then go buy something delightful for Mom, give it to her along with your love, smiles and positive energy.

And, know you are not alone.

dear Kaf1954
I was born in 1953 and I think we were raised in a similar way, that is with very good values but a lot of I SHOULD do this, I SHOULD not think that, etc... Guilt, then, was not necessarely a consequence of what we did wrong, but what we think we should have done, based on an ideal way up there that only matched PERFECTION. It may be a good incentive to do well, but it also weighs us all down. Somewhere inside you, you believe you SHOULD care for your mother at home. Somewhere inside her, she believes you SHOULD take care of her. However, you BOTH know your limits and you can both accept it. Your mother must love you a lot for you love to her so much. Therefore, she does not really want you to sacrifice your life for something you know is beyond your abilities. She is AFRAID. You are AFRAID.
Visit her often, care about what she is going through, bring her a joyful daughter, not a guilty one with red eyes and with heavy shoulders. Be kind for yourself, respect your life and she will have some sunshine when she sees you.

Can you purchase or rent a lifting machine for your home?

In response to another post here....I often wonder if there is a correlation between how good a parent was to their children and how often the parent in the nursing home is attended to, visited by, their children. It can get complicated! Just because a parent was a 'good parent' doesn't mean their child is going to love them exorbitantly for that. And I know a lot of awful older people, alcoholics, druggies, criminals even, who neglected their kids and abused them. And yet, the kids just adore MawMa and Daddy Ray ! Interesting! (I know of an old lady from a church who is in a nursing home with dementia, and all her church friends tsk tsk that this wonderful, energetic, full-of-life little sparkplug (in her younger days) is now pretty much ignored by her daughter. Oh, the cruelty! Well, I know the daughter who says it's one of those cases of putting on a wonderful front to the whole world, and being a cruel, unfeeling, miserable mother behind closed doors.)

Also, I wonder, in response to that other post, has anyone ever taken their parent out of the nursing home and returned them to live in the child's home? Does that ever work out??? Sounds like a disaster to me!

The real truth is that your guilt feelings are a manifestation of your mind. Feelings of guilt have to do with the feelings we get when we do something wrong. You have done nothing wrong which eliminates guilt. The other issue is that in today's society the overriding theme is multitasking. Which in the case of the caregiver means you need to be a super lady and do your own things plus take care of your mom 24/7. The truth is that God has created us to do one thing at a time. The modern concept of multitasking is overrated and basically conforms to a non-productive lifestyle. Keep loving your mom and spending time with her. However, since she is lucid, you need to continually drive home the point with her that she is in the best place for 24/7 care. the simple fact is that you have not had the training or practical experience to deal with her issues. Therefore she is in the best place and you can spend time and love her as a mom and leave the caregiving to the professionals.

The feelings you describe may be a part of the grieving process. Caregivers often go through a mourning process, even though they don't recognize it on a conscious level. We mourn the loss of the person they used to be, the change in roles and relationships, the loss of independence, etc. There is also an element of fear -- what will the future look like? Will I be able to cope? How will my life be affected? I would highly recommend that you have a heart-to-heart talk with your doctor. Your depression can be helped with medication or therapy -- nothing to be ashamed of! Sometimes our bodies need a little help, especially when faced with such stressful situations. Be kind to yourself and recognize all that you have done and are now doing for you mother. She is blessed to have such a loving and caring daughter! Take care of yourself!

Kaf1954

First of all, I want to tell you that I highly commend you for being there for your mother and loving her as much as you do! Unfortunately, there are many mother's and father's and grandparent's out there who don't have someone like you! There are many elderly individuals who have family that don't care what happens to them. You are a wonderful daughter with much empathy, who has given your life, your time, and your heart,
as well as making sacrifices for your mom. It is people like you that truly “make a difference” in this world, even if for one person. Your precious mom. She is blessed to have you. :)

The best thing you can do for her in this difficult transition is take care of yourself mentally, physically, psychologically, and spiritually. Mother's have a way of knowing when we are upset, sad, and/or stressed. When you are confident and happy, she will also feel more relaxed with the situation. Even if she doesn't tell you that she knows you are doing what is best for her right now, you have to know that in her heart she truly appreciates and loves you!

Maybe, at some point, you can bring her back home and hire a full-time caregiver who can assist her and even teach you how to do the things you are unfamiliar with. If that is not an option, I suggest continuing to visit her as often as possible, and make the time that you are there an enjoyable time for both of you. You are doing a great job, kaf1954!

I say good on you for your care of your Mom. And councelling is a good idea. Depression is nasty

What is you tried to make her feel at home at the nursing facility by inviting friends and family to come visit. Socializing may make her feel better to see people. Also, does she do any activities there that she enjoys? Maybe ask friends and family to help with bringing activities for her that she likes doing. Or maybe ask volunteer services for suggestions or if anyone can come to keep her company. I hope some of these suggestions will help in some way.

Bprowse2 and njny1952, I agree with You.
Scottdenny We come onto this wonderful Age / Action
Site to help and encourage and Our Fellow Carer's

I'm sorry, it's a very hard thing to go through. Especially when they go into a facility and still have their wits about them. (My mother had dementia and went into a nursing home, but didn't even know she was IN a nursing home! It would have been much harder on the family if she'd been demanding to 'go home' every time we saw her.) I think you have been suffering enough and ought to see a doctor and get some medication. You might not have to take it forever. There is only so much a body can bear, you know what I mean? Your mother is physically disabled with the stroke, and you are emotionally disabled. Good luck!

There is so much understanding and compassion in all those answers that i dont know why i want to add my word to all that kindness and wisdom.
I think that the biggest problem for your mom and for you is the difficulty to accept the paralysis. Indeed, it IS a tragedy.
Uour mom wants to go home, that is to WHO SHE WAS when she was there. But it is not there any more. That "home" is gone.
Just try to make her life lighter, be there for her. This "there" is at her new place. Dont let her down "there".
Accept your limits as not being able to be the perfect nurse 100% of your time. Ot is not you. You would try that you would fail.
Go see her, give her some of your time, your love, your understanding, sharg your joy:
THIS is a wonderful gift for her and for you.

wow...that would break my heart too!! i adored my mother. i took care of my mother thru all seven stages of dementia. she was bedridden for the last 14 months. she died at home in her bed. I had to feed her, bath her, with soapless cleaners. NO it wasn't easy...but i did it. you have to be healthy to take care of someone in those stages of life...but it's possible. Anyway...if you can't keep her at home with you...lots of good suggestions above. take care!

Rosepetal--Your response to Kimber166 reminded of a situation a friend once described to me. He and his playmates were walking along a street but very angry at each other and about ready to get into a fight. His father happened to drive by and called out to them, asking who would like to go get some doughnuts. They forgot that they were angry and basically had an impromptu party. I wonder if there are equivalent ways of "distracting" family members who can't agree or even get along when it comes to caregiving and relations with each other and their parents--maybe it would be better in some cases if adults could behave "like children"!

I have not seen any indication that you are a believer. This is a time for you to heavily depend and lean on the One who created your mom. I have found that starting my day with prayer in which I ask for guidance (as well as patience, love, strength, gentleness, etc) helps to ground my day and helps me remember why I'm doing this. Sometimes I get a surprise and my mom asks me to join her in her devotion. What a blessing. God bless you in your ministry.

It is painfully hard to watch a parent decline beyond the point where you can care for them. Unfortunately, there is something in our culture that tells many of us that we must be responsible for our parents' care in later life--no matter what the personal cost.
You did take care of her for seven years--please remember that--that is a long time. Way beyond what most adult children will do.
If I were in your place, I would consider other posters' suggestions to seek out a therapist or support group. You might find other facing a similar situation or at least people who recognize the difficult situation that you are facing. Good luck.

My father used to say that! All you can do, is all you can do. And you have done just that. I was blessed to find a good healthcare program for my mom, she lives in a brand new senior building right across the driveway from the program. She is in pain because of her knees. The doctor, the nurse, the nurses aides, the PT, all came to visit when she moved in a month ago. The doctor stopped by with the nurse last week. But when I visit her, (she lives 15 mins. away) and see her sitting in the wheelchair, my heart breaks. I was depressed yesterday. It's hard to see our once invincible parents become frail and venerable. It's hard. I bought tickets to a play. My daughter will take her, wheelchair and all. I'm surprised at the activities for seniors and those who need additional care. I will go take her to Bingo in her building next week since I know she won't go on her own. Do what you can. And do take care of yourself. I'm joining the Y. And do love on your husband. It's difficult for him, too, I'm sure. God bless you.

You are taking care of her...by allowing people that are trained to care for her care for her.
You can be a Daughter first and an advocate for her. So you really are still caring for her it is not just the day to day stuff. If you do not have a place that is set up and you do not have the equipment then that makes it even more difficult. Not only could you get hurt trying to transfer her you could hurt her. And trust me even with equipment things happen.
And I read something that made a lot of sense to me.
Then someone says.."I want to go home" ..that often does not mean they want to go HOME it means they want to go back to a time when they felt safe and well. Often that is a childhood home or maybe when they were first married but it may not mean they want to go to the home were they most recently lived.

Another thought...your Mother probably would be the first to tell you that she would not want you to give up your life caring for her, that she would want you to care for your family first. I have often said it would have killed my husband to know what he put me through the last 4 years of his life. He would not have wanted that for me or for himself. I am sure your Mother would feel the same.

kaf1954, I can definitely relate. We had to move my father into a nursing home and he complained a lot. It was heart wrenching many times. It's incredibly difficult when you are in the midst of things, seeing your loved one in that kind of situation. Everything we went through, I realize now that it was 100% the best thing for him. I visited my Dad as often as I could, I brought him lottery tickets, talked to him and we played cards. My Dad had people to watch over him 24 hours a day and had people to talk to. He has since passed away, but given the choice, I wouldn't have done things any differently. Know that you are doing the best you can and make yourself #1 priority. Take care!

I would try to find a home health care agency near her nursing home, and hire them to send an aide out to be with your mom 2-4 hours a day, maybe 3-4 days a week. It's well worth the money to have a second set of eyes on her more frequently, and that aide could make sure she is warm, comfortable, and well socialized.

Kimber166
GOD BLESS YOU! your reply to Kaf1954 was wonderful. I have always tried to treat people with kindness and show appreciation in my life. I do have to ignore people who mean well, perhaps, and they are entitled to their own opinion. Perhaps those people are terribly unhappy and instead of showing compassion and appreciation they become angry and critical.
I don't try to change their opinion
I think I learned that when I was a young child in elementary school. The other little girls in my neighborhood and I had a squabble one day and they ran away and wouldn't play with me. My mother was angry at them and that didn't help me feel any better. I went to the back door of my young girlfriend's home. She was not home but her mother was preparing dinner in the kitchen. I told her about our squabble and she could see I was really hurt. Her suggestion to me was to comfort me and also to bring them a treat. I learned what a peace offering was from that experience. I went home and made bread and jelly sandwich and took them to my friends. I had learned how to be kind to other people when the inevitable bad times pop up. My mother never learned that. She was always jealous of all my girlfriends as life went on and her actions made me feel worse. My girlfriends mother taught me how not to behave that way.

rosepetal

You have done the right thing by ensuring that your mother is cared for 24 hours a day. I too did this after my mother could no longer do anything for herself and was wheelchair bound. I, like you am not physically capable or professionally capable of doing what she needs. I would have loved for her to still be at her apartment and me doing all those things for her that she needed there but she had a bad episode that took her mobility and strength away six months ago so I had no choice. It is only me and I have no other siblings or family of hers around. I look at it this way, if I had not taken the steps to make sure she was taken care of, what would have happened if I became unable to take care of her or died myself. She wouldn't have had anyone to care for her and handle her affairs. Now that this is done, I feel I have protected her safety. My mom also has her mind. I bring her special foods and things she likes and I make sure she has fresh flowers all the time. I also visit every other day. This trade off is the only way it could have been. I also feel sorrow and depression about the situation but it helps me to talk to a couple of the other family members where she is. We are in this together. Stay strong, you clearly love your mother.

So sorry you are going through this and sorry for your mom. Please know that talking to your MD and asking for help for yourself is key. I have been on meds for a couple of years now as I realized that crying and not being able to concentrate was not fair to me or my mom who I take care of. Surround yourself by positive people, ask for help, and most important take care of yourself. Good luck.

Dear lady- do your best and forget the rest. It sounds like you really love your mom. I understand your sadness and I hope you'll find someone to talk to. Wishing you the best!

You are doing the best you can and I am in agreement with other visit her make this place she is at a positive and lovely environment for her. I think that is the problem with folks these days no supportive and hope you don't have to go through these yourself.

1. Remind yourself that you did not make her have that stroke.

2. Remind yourself that her care needs are above what you can reasonably do.

3. No one likes being in a nursing home and they about all say that they want to go home.

4. Bringing her home once a month may actually be making things worse instead of better for both of you.

5. See your doctor and ask for an anti-depressant.

6. See a therapist about this irrational guilt for you have not done anything wrong.

7. Try to stop beating yourself up over things that are beyond your control.

8. Also, it sounds like you may be having anticipatory grief in anticipation of your mother dying one day. That's normal.

I ,too, am looking for an answer to the guilt I feel about my mom. I feel weighed down by it. I can't give you an answer-just a shoulder to cry on anytime

My father has had 3 strokes since October, 2016. Before these happened, I promised my Dad he would not end his final days in a nursing home. He is married, but his wife has her own medical issues. Anyway, he is now in a nursing facility, for the last stoke he had made him need care that we, his family, could not provide. I do not feel guilty. He knows I love him and always want the best for him, and at this point in his life this is the best for him! I travel 500 miles round trip once a week to visit him. We spend quality time together. STOP the guilt trip and just enjoy each other.

Kaf1954 dear Lady You are taking great Care of Your beautiful Mother but indirectly because Your Mom kneed's to be Cared for now by a qualified Team of Professional's Who are highly skilled in this field of Care where They have got access to lifts and hoists to cater for Your Moms needs. Since Your Mom is perfect in every way but for the stroke, try to arrange a rota of Family and cloce Friends every day to entertain Your Moms Mind, hence It will begin to feel like home. You and Your Husband have been wonderful to Care for Your Mom for 07 years but Your Moms Care kneed's have gone to the next level. Kaf1954 Both You and Your Husband can feel very proud of Yourselves.