After not having proper rest & constant pressure to do the best job of providing for a loved one [with no help from other family members], it's only a matter of time before I become a patient.
Reverseroles, I also have anxiety driving to a point where I hate to drive now. If I have to drive my parents [in their 90's] somewhere, my panic starts the night before worrying about it. Thank goodness my place of employment is just 3 miles down the road.
Numerous times I told my parents I hate driving, but that doesn't stop them from calling me asking to be driven somewhere. They act like what in the world will they do if I don't drive. I tell them probably do what I would have to do since I have no children, take a taxi or move to a retirement village that has transportation.
There's been times, for a couple seconds, that I will forget where I am driving my parents within the first 2 or 3 minutes of being on the road.... that really scared me the first time it happened. It's all stress related. Plus I despise driving their car, I feel like I am trying to maneuver a cruise ship down the road.
Oh, thank you so much, everyone, for putting this into words. Since my mom with dementia moved in with us six months ago, at my invitation, lately I have frequently thought I'm developing dementia, too. My day starts at 4:45AM, I work for ten hours a day four days a week and watch my two grandchildren for ten hours the fifth day of the week (which is actually a wonderful treat!) But my mom makes me so sad. She is a shadow of the person she used to be. She is terribly anxious most of the time, usually about her money of which she has plenty, thanks to years of her and my dad being prudent. She bites her nails, chews/picks her lip, asks the same questions over and over again within minutes. Her doctor put her on Celexa a few months ago and just increased the dosage a bit - I'm beginning to think maybe I need it! Otherwise she is fairly healthy, much to her disappointment. I just wish she could enjoy the time she has left, whatever it may be. And I hope I don't lose my mind along the way!
What? What was the question? I forget the answer. Yes, your marbles roll out of the bag when you are not looking. Make sure to get exersize sleep and some no thinking (meditation) time.
Omg I am not alone. I also forget things and worry about myself all the time. I worry I will get dementia, I worry I will die first and not have a life with my husband after this. I had a good laugh on taking in the trash barrels and seeing the outside world! I feel the same but I do have help 3 times a week and am hiring weekend help so I cant complain. I went so long last Winter without driving that I started having anxiety driving, crazy huh! Sometimes if Mom naps I sit on the front ramp for 10 mins and mentally talk to myself, haha! I also say "hello world" when I open a window, like a fool. Oh little did I know 6 years ago that I would be in this caregiver position but I do love having my Mom under my wing safe and sound. Praying I keep my brain and have a life after this caregiving job ends. Ditto to all of you!
On my gosh, I am glad to be reading all the comments here because I was thinking that I, too, was starting to get memory problems [I know we all get some memory problems after a certain age but this seemed a bit much for me]....
Things that once were so easy for me to do, I find I cannot focus like I use to, and that is so hard on me because I was always super organized. I seem to be in a fog most of the time, and here I am only being my parent's *driver* as they are still independent on their own in their own house. I can't imagine what my mind would be like if I had to care for them 24 hours a day, and that scares me to no end. Lot of sleepless nights worrying about what will next year be like.
Yes, I agree. Lack of sleep is showing side effects in not having my head together when it counts - at the job - at care giving. No matter how hard I try and how embarrassed I feel, I am starting to forget appointments, bill payments, promises ... Is there a cure?
at least 90% of caregivers are female,i will agree you are probably better equipped with patience,& tolerance than i am .this is definetly on the job training. I am a 53yr old man careing for my 77yr old mom.i have had to put work and social experiences on hold for now. The Alzheimers Assosiation has a respite care one day a week for about four hours. In our small town we are lucky to have that. why do I feel guilty when i even consider it ?
thank you Mary4 I totally relate to all that you said, husband 83 me 68 and wow is this a ride, after two ER bouts for me in the past two years ( same reason both times- blood loss due to ulcers brought on by extreme stress trying to juggle everything - I know they say stress does not cause ulcers but stress causes changes in eating habits which effects the stomach) now I look at things in a different light. We have very few visitors, some I would rather not have here anyway, they ask my husband all kinds of current day questions that he cannot possibly answer. I get stressed & he gets stressed when this happens. to The Boss I had that happen also husband went totally crazy until I finally got him back home. He's content here . Me I just do what I have to do to keep him happy & busy each day, he's worth it, the love of my life, I just pray every night that something other then the final stage of Alzheimers takes before then.
I absolutely do. I suspect that we are probably stretched so thin with worry, caregiving and running around, taking care of 2 lives now, that we are just forgetful, stressed out, tired and in need of a serious battery recharge. I don't have the time to hang out w/ friends, do something fun for myself on a regular basis, so I found a support group for caregivers and am hoping this will help.
I am so thankful I found this site. My husband passed away in Jan. and I felt so guilty that perhaps I did not do enough for him.. However reading all these comments I feel so much better and attending church and having friends over,either going out to lunch has made me a person again. It is a new journey for me and I will do what I still am able to do like Smile and enjoy and appreciate each day.
In a given week, about 3-4 days would be the amount of time I spend making sure I have not forgotten to do something for my husband or our three pets. However, the fact that I can keep all the balls in the air is good brain training and I am proud of myself for still juggling the expenses (with only an occasional fine at the bank). My advice is to do the best you can do, and what you worry about usually never happens, and you can only do what you can do. The rest will take care of itself. To all my fellow caregivers, Happy Mother's Day, and take the day off (if you can), and pamper yourself because we need it!
I really appreciate reading these comments. I have had some health problems myself, and recently had surgery when I chose to take my partner to the same rehab facility where I would be going. I settled him in there and had my surgery the following day. It turned out to be a disaster because he was so disoriented and agitated at being away from home, that he became combative and they kicked him out. He went to a 2nd facility, where I had to pay a full time caregiver to stay with him, but the was kicked out of there when he kept fighting with the male caregiver. Finally, I came home in desperation, and he settled down to the routine. I don't know what will become of him. At this rate he will outlive me, and there is nobody left in his family who can care for him. He has deteriorated a great deal since this incident 2 months ago, and is due for another evaluation in June. I have wonderful children who live nearby, but they have busy families with both parents working, so they can only do so much to help. This web site is so helpful. I learn so much from other people. Thank you so much.
Oh. My. Goodness. Mary4, you hit the nail on the head! We, husband. 90 with dementia and I, 90, and pretty healthy, for now, at least, never have a reasonable conversation - nothing in common any more. He never had a hobby - work was his main interest - never slacking. But now he cannot do anything but dress himself and shave, often getting his shirts on in the wrong order - the short sleeved one over the long, etc. So, he sees me flying around our 4 acre grounds mowing, running the leaf blower and even the snow-blower in winter. Believe it or not these chores, getting out in the weather, nice or not, seems to relieve my frustration for a bit.
I have two groups that I try to meet with once a month and that seems like a REAL treat. Our son comes over to stay with him. Sometimes I get away to the store for groceries which takes me almost 2 hours since we live in the country and he manages OK, but I am always rushing to get home, being fearful of what I may find when I get there.
While I complain about this, I have noticed that I am becoming completely dis-organised, forgetting what I was going to do next and delaying our dog's appointment due to the hassle of taking her there, etc..Today, for sure, I will make that appt.
But all of this fades when I clear my head and realize what it must be for him! No wonder he wants to die - he knows that nothing can be done to bring him back and make him lessen my work and sorrow, (when he is having a clear spell)...
Lunch out with the girls is Tuesday - and they care - all having worked with me is our doctor's office. Am really looking forward. So many of our close friends - not just many - almost all have left this life already. Thank God for our four children who do live in the state, though two of them live 2&4 hours away. Our neighbors are just great, also. Such blessings I have, if I can just keep my mind and health in check. Hugs to all who share in this care... You are great folks.. L
There are more days than I care to count that I am certain I will die before my mom. (And I have more help, get more "breaks", than most people on this site.) I laugh at the thought of those army (marine?) commercials touting "the toughest job you'll ever love". (Though, admittedly, I'm not very often loving this - just love my mom - so maybe it is a fair slogan for them.)
Aspects of the disease DO rub off on you. How many of you out there caring for dementia patients don't find yourself feeling confused, frightened, depressed, cranky, and generally not thinking clearly at times? (To be crass, crazy from dealing with the crazy!) Many of the difficulties, without the "benefit" of the short-term memory (the ability to live in the moment and forget about those difficulties, or the way you felt or behaved when they got the better of you; not necessarily seeing the bigger picture, the future). And how 'bout becoming a "shut-in by proxy", as I like to call it? There are days when walking outside for a mundane task like bringing in the trashcans reminds me with a jolt that there IS an outside - air, trees, sun, snow, whatever - something beyond the walls of the house. A trip to the pharmacy or the grocery store can become a giddy experience full of gratitude and soaking in God's grace in the form of nature and interactions with other human beings.
OK, didn't mean to ramble. But you get the idea. Yes, the disease does seem to "rub off" on us in ways. It's effects encompass everyone in the life of the person with the actual disease, as we figure out how to incorporate it into our lives... which, in the case of the caregiver, becomes almost an extension of their life.
I think that we are all trying to do the right thing all the time without help from others that we get sick ourselves and no one is left to help us. First my Father, then Mother and now looks like my husband. Don't have any brothers or sisters so feel lost. Yes, you feel like the disease is rubbing off on you.
Numerous times I told my parents I hate driving, but that doesn't stop them from calling me asking to be driven somewhere. They act like what in the world will they do if I don't drive. I tell them probably do what I would have to do since I have no children, take a taxi or move to a retirement village that has transportation.
There's been times, for a couple seconds, that I will forget where I am driving my parents within the first 2 or 3 minutes of being on the road.... that really scared me the first time it happened. It's all stress related. Plus I despise driving their car, I feel like I am trying to maneuver a cruise ship down the road.
Things that once were so easy for me to do, I find I cannot focus like I use to, and that is so hard on me because I was always super organized. I seem to be in a fog most of the time, and here I am only being my parent's *driver* as they are still independent on their own in their own house. I can't imagine what my mind would be like if I had to care for them 24 hours a day, and that scares me to no end. Lot of sleepless nights worrying about what will next year be like.
I don't have the time to hang out w/ friends, do something fun for myself on a regular basis, so I found a support group for caregivers and am hoping this will help.
I have two groups that I try to meet with once a month and that seems like a REAL treat. Our son comes over to stay with him. Sometimes I get away to the store for groceries which takes me almost 2 hours since we live in the country and he manages OK, but I am always rushing to get home, being fearful of what I may find when I get there.
While I complain about this, I have noticed that I am becoming completely dis-organised, forgetting what I was going to do next and delaying our dog's appointment due to the hassle of taking her there, etc..Today, for sure, I will make that appt.
But all of this fades when I clear my head and realize what it must be for him! No wonder he wants to die - he knows that nothing can be done to bring him back and make him lessen my work and sorrow, (when he is having a clear spell)...
Lunch out with the girls is Tuesday - and they care - all having worked with me is our doctor's office. Am really looking forward. So many of our close friends - not just many - almost all have left this life already. Thank God for our four children who do live in the state, though two of them live 2&4 hours away. Our neighbors are just great, also. Such blessings I have, if I can just keep my mind and health in check.
Hugs to all who share in this care... You are great folks.. L
Aspects of the disease DO rub off on you. How many of you out there caring for dementia patients don't find yourself feeling confused, frightened, depressed, cranky, and generally not thinking clearly at times? (To be crass, crazy from dealing with the crazy!) Many of the difficulties, without the "benefit" of the short-term memory (the ability to live in the moment and forget about those difficulties, or the way you felt or behaved when they got the better of you; not necessarily seeing the bigger picture, the future). And how 'bout becoming a "shut-in by proxy", as I like to call it? There are days when walking outside for a mundane task like bringing in the trashcans reminds me with a jolt that there IS an outside - air, trees, sun, snow, whatever - something beyond the walls of the house. A trip to the pharmacy or the grocery store can become a giddy experience full of gratitude and soaking in God's grace in the form of nature and interactions with other human beings.
OK, didn't mean to ramble. But you get the idea. Yes, the disease does seem to "rub off" on us in ways. It's effects encompass everyone in the life of the person with the actual disease, as we figure out how to incorporate it into our lives... which, in the case of the caregiver, becomes almost an extension of their life.