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I feel frustrated, mad, tired, worn out and alone. I don't feel like I have what it takes and I want to run away. How can I get through this? i feel bad and i am frustrated and mad. i am tired worn out and feel alone so very alone with decisions. family gives advice but no one will help. people offer explanation as to why bad things happen. i am so worn out. i dont feel like i have what it takes. i want to run away. i feel so abondoned.

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Just feeling down in the dumps today. Feeling used and powerless. I cannot walk into a room where my mother is without her giving an order. SHe never has been nurturing and I am wondering why an I doing this. I am giving so much and rarely feel she appreciates me giving up everything. JUST VEnting!!
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Feeling like a maid, 24/7 waitress, nurse, and doormat all at the same time? Many in this forum can relate.

My only suggestion, since you're the sole caregiver, is to identify the things your parents -- and husband -- can do on their own. Teach them "how to fish" so they can feed themselves. As long as they keep saying "Jump" and you respond "How high?" nothing is going to change.

One of the pitfalls of caregiving is having your self-esteem, self-respect, and identity dictated by others. Your sense of self-worth hinges on how quickly you can satisfy other people's wants, needs, and whims. And if you've gone through that all your life chances are you don't know who you really are.

There's no doubt you're going through psychological abuse complete with emotional blackmail. Instead of running away, try learning to manipulate the situation to your advantage or level the playing field. You're a lot stronger than you think.
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My mother is 86, her memory has declined so fast over the last couple years, we hardly know its the same lady. She is sweet and easy to care for. She still lives in her own home at night but is at our home every day all day because she doesn't remember to eat or drink on her own. My husband and my teenage boys are wonderful with her but my own siblings are not helpful at all but of course are supportive with my decisions. We feel very guilty not wanting to have her permanently move in with us but then again its hard to move her to a memory care facility because she really wants to stay in her own place. We are so tied down , its hard to even go away for the weekend much less a real vacation. I am so torn on what to do and how do.
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Sorry you are feeling so isolated and sounds like you are suffering from caregivers burn out, too. It does help a lot if you can get a friend or two for a small support system so you can get a break from the house and your loved one for a while at least once a month. Maybe that could help so you can get your bearings back and feel better about what you do. That might be an idea to take care of your mental health as well as helping the people you take care of get a break. Hope this helps and hang in there.
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Ivonne, I have been my mom's caregiver for 4 years, and I 'm in the same situation of you. I take 15-20 minutes walking outside nearby, or go to a close chapel for about 5 minutes where I can be alone, breathe and cry, yes cry. It helps a lot. And the most important,I've been seen a psychology, now a social worker. Good luck.
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Have you ever seen a little hummingbird protect his babies? I have right here in my yard I have a palm tree and I’ve notice for years a few hummingbird's flying around year after year. This year I started to paid a little closer attention and watch how he stands and watches his nest,Then I saw a bluebird being chase by this little small bird and the bluebird flew off, Again I saw another bird come and again the little bird chase him off. I took a photo of the little bird and I had a time finding him in the photo. ,when I did and I saw how little he was. I wonder how he was able to scare off the bigger birds. So I guess what I am saying is no matter how big the caregiving job is, it can and will be done, by someone weather you or me or a loving one person and it is up to us to either find someone or be that one.love and hugs johnnycares
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Yvonne---Just keep in mind that you are doing your best to care for your husband-and also remember that it is very important to care for yourself as well....A good place to have support is a support group-whether it be online or in person, as you will perhaps find there are others in your situation as well. Kuddos to you!
Best, Hap
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Has anyone here use medicaid to pay for payment of any nurse aid for longer then four hours????
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Yvonne,

I am right there with you caring for my father who is slowly dying of lung disease. I've been through hell with hospitals, nursing homes, and finally decided to bring dad home and hire caregivers. Even with caregivers 12 hours a day I am feeling the way you do.

What I've done is to reach out to my church and try to find some counseling - just someone who I can talk to and vent to and express my fears, concerns. It helps. If you're not part of a church, see if you can find some counseling or a local support group for caregivers. Ask your doctor or the doctor of the person you're caring for for recommendations for support for you.

To take the stress of myself I have also decided to take a leave of absence from my job. Now at least I don't have the added pressure of needing to be somewhere at a certain time or the worry of how dad and the caregiver are doing. I'm also available to help the caregiver out so we work as a team.

If you don't have caregivers helping you - look into it. Just having someone else in the house to bounce things off of and to have company helps also.

Hope this helps some.
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Preach it Sis and Sandy48!!!!!! I'm in your amen corner!!!!

2old, put some locks on your bedroom and bathroom doors!!!!! I wonder if your spouse might not be somewhat like what I once was in walkig on eggshells around you and your mother.

Either spouse can only take so much of feeling like you have someone in your life more important than them and after some time it just feels like you are not really married anymore and if you have children then you begin to feel like a single parent which in many ways is true.

How in the world, some people preach sermons, teach, and write artcles as well as books about marriage, divorce and adultery but never talk about this kind of emotional boundary issue but them want to condem the same people for getting a divorce is beyond me? The Bible is very clear about the importance of married people spending time alone with each other and to not do so puts the person in a position of great temptation. What one person does by making the other spouse feel second class does not excuse what they might do in the face of temptation, but it does help explain it. From my perspective, there are many more affairs of the heart than there are affairs of the flesh. Some folks need to do some serious waking up about either being their spouse's wife or husband vs their elderly parent's subsititute spouse or little kid once again who is so afraid of or obligatted to or feel guilty about which leads to sacrificing one's marital vows, parental responsibilities, etc. on the altar of twisted sick thinking; an unhealthy personality; or toxic religion.
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Yvonne, I know exactly how you feel. Although you don't mention how long you have been caregiver, I have the feeling it's been too long for you. It also happen to me. I was taking care of my mom (93) for 5 years. She is quite helpless, can't walk or get to the toilet. So she is in diapers. People like to call them adult briefs, but I call it like I see it "diapers". It really broke my heart to find I had to feed, bathe, change her diapers just like an infant. It was getting me physically sick, which wasn't doing anyone any good. So she's now in a nursing home, getting the care she needs. She doesn't like it, and at time refuses to eat, and she just wants to die at times. The people their know how to handle her and are very patient w/her. I was finding myself losing my temper and just not getting anywheres with her. I now have my life back, just as she had hers when she was my age. I feel for her but I needed my life back, and that's that. Hope this helps......:)
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I agree oh how our partners suffer. My family felt like second class citizens and at some point you have to put yourself and them first. They are after all the love that hold you together. We think that having a parent come live with us solves everything but it causes more grief than you can imagion
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You must do something before it affects your marriage. Husbands can only take so much and so can you. It is usually best not to move them in with you to start with, BUT a lot of us do it. Then the time comes when you must think about 'the rest of your life' and you must decide that someone else needs to be the caregiver. Call social services and ask about placement for your mom. It doesn't get better. My mom is a smoker too and created lots of problems as the months and months went by. We are not smokers.
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2old, why sacrifice your husband/marriage to your mom? He sounds like a perfect sweetie. Who's house is it, anyway? I was told to set boundaries because my mother wasn't able to. She did NOT like this, and hired an attorney to have me removed as her guardian. Bummer. Now she's paying someone else $60.00 a month to cater to her whiny demands. God cast out my scorner. Don't mean to sound cruel, but the more we did, the meaner mom became. Guess God knew I needed not only reprieve, but release. I love his answered prayer. Now, if I could only get this lawyer off my back. Lord, please...

I didn't know much about boundaries until I started coming around here. There's lots of different ways. I mean, human dignity deserves some privacy. Your mom will do what you allow. How about a new sheriff in town? Perhaps a lock upon your door! You and your hubby may find some new found joy...and your mom will have to pick on someone else. If you turn her world upside down, she won't know what to expect next, and may even start behaving, if you do it right. ~Just saying... Best wishes, and have fun with that. You and your husband could get real creative...outwitting an old fox. Would love to read how it works out.
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GOd love you. I think we have all been there on and off. There are so many emotions that come with taking care of a parent. In some ways it is harder emotionally than taking care of your kids. I felt exactly like you did and I was so depressed I went and talked to a counselor. None of my friends understood because they were all busy driving kids to soccer and baseball and had no parents yet living with them. I found my self in tears and angry all the time. Speaking to someone outside can give you a different perspective as well as support. I also support one of the above postings. God sends angels to us. So keep your eyes open and let people help when they offer. Sometimes it can be a subtle indication that he is there and loves you. Also look into over the counter drug supplements that might give you a boost or support you through this transisition. ( SAM-e or St Johns Wort etc..) At least you are speaking out that you are struggling, now you just have to take some different action.
Best of luck. It wont always be like this.
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My husband and I have no one to help us either. It is really hard when you just want to have a few moments alone and there is no one to help you get that. My relatives give me lots of advise and worry only about how my mom is doing, but no one ever offers to just take her to their house for a visit for a few days, no one and it is like your whole life rolls around everything about them and nothing about yourself. She doesn't even care if we need time, a few minutes, a conversation alone, she just barges into the bedroom, bathroom, doesn't even knock on the door.
My husband prepared a lovely dinner for the two of us with candels and the whole nine yards, Crab legs, shrimp, ect which none of that she will eat, so he grills her a hamburger and we told her we were going to do this thing. She eats her hamburger then says she is going to bed. When we started to sit down at the table to have our time, she comes in the dining room, sits down at the table, lites a cigerette and turns the tv on blast. Ruined our minute. I hope I don't loose my husband because he is a saint for putting up with all this.
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hi pudkey
I know your feeling sooooo well. Mine and dads relationship was the same he'd been with us 5 years. I literally couldn't be on my own with him, the women in our family had to stick together. Dad was inappropriatly touching me and had started to extend this to others. I just so wanted him out of the house. Had to get outside help when he did something to a junior family member. I have had to refuse to have him home. He is in hospital waiting for a care home. The social services are keeping him there for our safety. I go to see him, he is still my dad and I love him, our relationship does seem better.
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Yvonne,

Thanks for writing in. I encourage you to keep doing so and to get as much support as you can from our little online community.

Schedule some time off. Maybe that is just every Thursday or every other Monday afternoon or something. Adult day cares are a great idea. But if you have family members who can't provide caregiving themselves (due to distance or whatever) then you can ask them to contribute money for an in-home caregiver visit. There are a lot of good companies out there that do provide this caregiver relief.

Best of Luck,
Bill
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Yvonne, God bless you, dear. I ditto all the above. Please get some help for your sake. There are options. Try some of the ones suggested here.
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Hello. I'm so sorry your at this miserable point of your caregiving journey. I was where you are now a year ago. I care for my 86 yrs old mother with Alzheimer's 24/7 with little to no help from my sisters.

I started to loose my self and was having depression issues of uncontrollable crying fits. I was tire, frustrated, angry, and exhausted. I wanted my caregiving life to stop, and have some else do the duty of being nurse, physical therapist, bather, dresser, chef, chauffeur (dr's appt), and bathroom attendant, etc...
This is a great site to find compassion and support. It helped me get through my darkest days. I found resources I never thought of.
1) Senior Day care- place where nurses and facilitator's work with senior to enhance their lives for a period of time during the day, with activities, social interaction, meals and safe environment. A caregiver can get time for themselves to refuel and rest.
2) Advice and law,social serves, and references.
3) Emotional Therapy-vent and gain loving words and support. Receive hugs from friends.

I'm at the next stage in caregiving. I can handle and take thing in stride. I still have still have emotional breakdowns once in a while, but not as much as before. Remember your never alone.
Someone said to me was, "you are an angel... don't every forget what you have done for your mom." There are angels everywhere! You just need to see the "angels" around you, waiting to be called for duty.
-God /send prayers-he'll answer
-Senior Day Care- low cost and gives you some rest
-Church /neighbors
-Friends
-AgingCare site-support/friendship/great advice
-Support group
-In home care help-hire an agency to help with companionship, light house keeping, meals, transportation to doctor's appointments, bathing, dressing, respite care (time for you to rest)
Other things to help:
-find a hobby or get back your passion. Don't have time- make time, make an appointment with yourself (will do wonders for your energy reserve)
-exercise- it's a great stress reliever. Just go out walk the block, punch a pillow, try Wii
-go out and just breathe and sit with nature surrounding you.

Best wishes to you, sending hugs.
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Pidkuy, you mentioned that your mom doesn't have the money to afford a nice assisted living. If she qualifies for Medicaid, she can go to an assisted living, family care home or a resthome. They have activities, some of which she may can participate in. She would be with others 24/7 who look out for her care as well as others her age. You and your hubby can get your lives back and be able to be a couple once again. You & hubby need some time alone. You then would not have to pay someone to come in while you work. Also I hope you are not paying for the person to come in out of your pocket. Social Services can provide nurse's aids to come to your house while you work and stay with your Mom. My aunt has one staying with her now. Comes at 8 - leaves at 4. Medicaid pays for it as my aunt can't afford it on just SS.
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I agree with everyone here. I cry, pray , cry and pray more . Almost everyday. If I am lucky I get out of the house one day a week. I can more but have to ask and I really hate to ask but I have and will when the need arises. Don't wait till it is to late or you do something crazy. Ask for help and take it. Our you will go crazy.
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I would highly recommend the following book.

Caring for yourself while caring for your aging parents : how to help, how to survive Author: Berman, Claire.

I found it in our public library and wished I had had it a year ago.

It is a wonderful resource, but most importantly it addresses the feelings and welfare of the caregiver.
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Hi Yvonne! I just read your online plea for suggestions and or support...I am not sure if the person you are taking care of is your huband or another family member-In either case you do sound like you are very much burned out...which is very understandable.

The symptoms of feeling alone, tired, worn out, and fustrated-seem to be part of caregiver burnout. Thus you have to decide-where to go from here. If the person is ambulatory, there may be options like day care- or even have someone from a reputal agency come in to give you some assistance.

As it has been said many times - here in this forum- to become good at caregiving, you have to take care of yourself. If you do NOT-you can become burnt out, and your immune system maybe compomised. So in essence, you need to take some me time-to sit back and reflect where your caregiver journey is headed---and what can you do to remain on the straight and narrow...this may not be easy to accomplish, however it may become necessary.

There may even be support groups in your are-where you can vent and receive feedback from others--if so, I suggest that your partake.

I have been a caregiver-and very much understand your feelings--and this is why I have made the suggestions to you-and hope that they are some help.

Good luck--and please keep us informed. There seem to be a community od caring people here in this forum.

Hap
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I really feel your pain Yvonne. Having my Mom living with me for over 2 years and knowing she isn't the person I used to be friends with is very, very stressful. I can really see the strain it's taking on me and my husband, and even more so my Mom and I hardly have any kind of a relationship anymore. Sometimes I just can't stand to be in the same room with her, but I pull myself together and show her all the compassion I can. I get zero help from my brother and sister in her care of financially. Unfortunately my Mom has no savings and can't afford to go to a nice Assisted Living Facility, which I think she would do very well at. So we too are stuck between a rock and a hard place. My husband and I still work full time and I have someone come in and stay with her every work day from 8:00 - 2:00. But we cannot plan nights away or vacations because of the cost of having to provide care for my Mom. Since I have joined this site I'm amazed of how many other people are in the same boat.
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Yes, yes, yes! Check out what governmental social services might be available in your area. Utilize elder day care, a senior citizens' center, and/or Home health assistants if they are available to you. If you can't dig up any helpful resources, try contacting hospice. They can evaluate your loved one, along with the physician the elderly person sees. If accepted into the program, a number of workers & volunteers will be available, which will give you a little respite from the pressure of 24/7 duty. Even if he or she doesn't
qualify for hospice, the compassionate people who work
for the organization may have some helpful ideas.

Since you do have family who are apparently aware of the situation, have a frank discussion about placement in a nearby retirement facility. They are not 'hell holes' and attention from family is effective in assuring there is good care for the elderly resident. If you don't think you have
the backbone to stand up to family who have designated you
as caregiver, talk to a minister or social worker. Or find one
relative who will stand by you to insist the situation be changed.

Since you haven't identified who you care for, family members are that aren't helping, or the type of
city you live in, giving advice must necessarily be general.

Good luck. We who are willingly & not-so-willingly caring
for elderly relatives are legion.
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Darling Yvonne seek help from the professionals(social services). If you feel this bad please, please seek help. Last week I could have done something very silly but instead spoke to a social worker. The help and advice and other factors helpped me make the dissision to put dad in a home. Looking foreward. Get help and get a life.
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You have to decide how long you can be the caregiver. Some caregivers try but they 'don't have what it takes. I did it for 3 years and that was all I could do. I didn't have what it takes. It took its toll on me and before I could let it finish me off, I had to turn the care over to others. Call your social services when you get to this point. Tell them you need to have the person you are caring for placed in a facility equiped for this type caregiving. These caregivers can go home after 8 hours.
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Yvonne, I feel for you. Ditto to all that caregiverslight said. I don't know what your faith background is, but I can tell you that when I've felt "desperate" and about to "break", I have prayed to God and He has come through EVERY TIME for me. On one occasion, He arranged circumstances that week so that my parents went into crisis and then had to agree to move out of their home into a senior community. ( The issue was forced upon them divinely, I believe.) On another occasion, God planted "angels" ( in human form) in my path to assist me---It was unbelievable and felt supernatural, the way these angels just showed up ---boom---in my path, when I was at my weakest, most depleted point. ( In two cases, the angels called my name from behind me. I turned and there she was. It felt like a weird coincidence that it happened this way twice.) I honestly don't think I could have managed my parents' care without these angels. God loves you and He will help you. My best to you.
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Though I don't know your caregiver circumstances, your feelings are normal, as is the exhaustion you say you are experiencing. Caregiving is hard work and if you are a primary or sole caregiver to a family member or anyone else, for that matter, you're it. Though it is hard on caregivers when family members don't step up to the plate, odd as it may sound, I understand their side, too. Some individuals just can't begin to go down the path of further complicating their lives. Hope you keep posting and sharing on this website. There are many, many people who post and share here who will fully understand your frustration. Caregiving can be a lonely journey...and trip. Also, don't be afraid to seek medical advice for yourself, or a local support network if you are up to joining one. It may not change anything, but you just may start to realize that you are so not alone. Don't think too much, ok? Sometimes one needs a breather. Sounds like you need one right about now. AgingCare.com is a top-flight breather with fine caregivers who post regularly because we enjoy community and support in our respective journey. Take care of yourself, too. Glad you posted!
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