Feb 15 we put my mom in memory care. 3 weeks later it was locked down. Should I bring her back to my home?

I'm in kind of the same boat. I admitted my mother to LTC on March 4, and they locked down on March 16. She was just beginning to adjust to the facility when the lockdown happened, and I had been visiting her every other day.

The last time I spoke to Mama (one week ago today), she was extremely irritable and complained about everything, ending up with a statement of, "Oh, and if you have any guilty feelings about putting me here, you deserve them." (Thanks, Ma.) I'm afraid she'll go from aggravated to depressed, if she hasn't already.

Our problem is that we can't do any FaceTime or Skype because she's blind. Her old cellphone doesn't work in the facility, and she can't operate it, anyway, so I ordered her a new "geriatric" phone. It should arrive today, and I'll deliver it to her as soon as I can get it charged and configured for her use. The nurses have been very kind with setting up calls on facility phones for us, but I know they have enough to do with just taking care of the patients/residents.

Did I think about bringing her home? Of course. Did I do it? No. Now is not the time to be thinking about that. She is no doubt in the safest possible environment now, and that's for both of us. She is as isolated as possible from contagion, and the back and leg injuries that I sustained while caregiving are just now beginning to heal. Bringing her home would be a pretty dumb move at this point.

We all have to be strong, and pray that our loved ones are getting not only the care they need, but the emotional support they need as well.

At least you can FaceTime and do window visiting. Be grateful for that. It's better than nothing.

I think that the only safe assumption for all of us right now is that we may all be symptomatic carriers. If you bring her home, you are more likely to expose her to the virus.

And if YOU fall ill, not only have you exposed her, you won't be able to care for her. And you wont be able to re-admit her because she will have been exposed.

Please keep her safe...where she is.

My husband is in a rehab facility for mobility therapy. This coming Thursday, it will be 3 weeks since I’ve seen him. He doesn’t understand Skype or FaceTime and wouldn’ t do it.

I wouldn’t even consider bringing him home. I talk to him every day at least once on the phone. I want him to be as safe as he can and he needs to stay in the facility. He’s monitored constantly. He’s a triple threat, he’s 70, has underlying health conditions and mostly bedridden.

Keep your mom in her facility. It’s the best place for her.

Keep Mom where she is.

I’m in the leave her there camp.
Please keep in mind that it now seems to be happening is that if a resident should leave the facility for whatever reason - whether for couple of hours for medical appointment or visting others or a post fall run via EMS to the ER - the facility will NOT, again WILL NOT, allow them to return at all, OR, will require a private room quarantine 14/21 days with extra aides hired during quarantine &/or a negative Covid-19 test.
If your moms place should start to follow this, should you take mom home, & if Covid runs 2 cycles (which is what some models are projecting) this could mean late next Spring till some degree of normalcy & only then will places start letting new residents in. Why? Is cause there will be some herd immunity happening worldwide between outbreak 1 (Dec-now) and 2nd outbreak (next winter/spring) plus probably an initial vaccine available next year.

Friend of mine dads recently moved into AL and has a 90 day post surgery appointment next week. He had surgery right at beginning of Jan & done so that he would get this done before the move to AL. His place is “tiered” as has AL, NH & MC. Well..... New rules for the facility are now once in, you’re in with no leaving till all quarantines or risk assessments are lifted for the county. All care coming from the MD medical director of the facility or via TeleMed if your health insurance is making that available. If you leave, basically you are not guaranteed to be able to return. She’s trying to get it done via telemed but if that falls thru, there will be no post surgery follow up done. It is not feasible to have him move in with family, so they are attempting to make it all work.

Where we are, it’s a hot zone. & there have been 2 large facility outbreaks and several deaths. Both have been tied to transmission from IL/AL section as often the residents still have cars and were still going out & about till just recently. I’m sure this is driving having these restrictions in our area.

Imho the death toll is going to be staggering in the US. For the facilities, if they don’t hunker down & bunker down now, they don’t stand a chance to get thru this both for residents and staff.

We did the same thing with a family member just before the lockdown. He had a medical problem crop up last week and a doctor was able to see him and treat him in the facility. We have other elderly people we care about who are living independently and they have to wait for care. Doctors are cancelling visits for all but urgent matters.

He had been living alone. In memory care, he has no concerns about getting food, preparing it or being unable to get health care when needed. He is much better off where he is than living in the community right now, in my opinion.

I now have the ability to make contact to my LO’s floor to find out her condition. There is face timing available, but I know her well enough to realize that seeing me for a few minutes on a TV screen would be both confusing and INFURIATING TO HER.

SO——-I asked the wonderful caregiver to tell her that DH and I were taking a short vacation to Ohio to see her two other nieces.

She always, ALWAYS loved it if WE went on vacation, with her or without her, and loved it when my cousins came to US for vacation, so I’m hoping that something about this idea will latch with her.

I will now call every couple days, continue to mention family names and familiar places, and hope that doing this will give her comfort.

There have been numerous Covid 19 deaths in local residential care facilities in the last week. I continue to be grateful that she is safe and secure WHERE SHE IS, and content with the fact that the NO VISITORS rule is being applied fairly and consistently.

We know that you love your mom but please leave her where she is. Best wishes to you and your family.

I understand exactly how you feel. My mother has been in MC for 6 months and I am her full time caregiver in MC. They were allowing me in as an independent contractors until Monday when they shut down to only their employees. My mother is a fall risk cause of a Parkinson’s and has fallen twice since Monday. Once she hit her head , which usual protocol is to call an ambulance and get a CT. We decided since she wasn’t bleeding and could move, no ER. It’s killing me sitting here for the past 2 days and not being able to care for her. I have been caring for her full time at home and 9 hours a day in the facility for 3 years. All facilities are short handed, Where my mom is there are full to capacity. I know they can’t care for her the way she deserves to be cared for. I spoke to her on the phone yesterday and she was more out of it than usual. I agree not to use FaceTime or Skype. I know in my mothers case it confuses her and she doesn’t want to sit still. The only reason I don’t bring her home is because I don’t want her any more exposed than she already is. We live in MD near the facility in Carroll Co. with the 77 cases so this is hitting us hard. Fortunately,no cases in my moms facility yet. This is a tough time for all of us. What a horrible way for our parents to have to live at the end of their lives. I know my mom doesn’t understand . We all need to pray that the few who are caring for our loved ones are patient with them.

She will be fine. Most of us have to give up caretaking sooner or later for one reason or another. I always remind myself that I want my daughter to have a life so when it’s my time to go to a facility I want her to know I desire her to have freedom.

Seems you are still adjusting to your mom being in memory care. You placed her because her care was too much for you at home. She will be getting the care she needs, even with social distancing and increased cleaning protocols. Call her when you can. Visit when you can. Then, remind yourself that she is in the best place to stay safe and healthy.

I also just put my mom in a MC because of incontinence and sitting in the depends because she wouldn’t let me shower her or change her for days at a time. When I would finally get her into the shower she was off balance and didn’t know how to really clean herself. Her clothes, bed, and furniture were soaked in urine It was more than I ever wanted to be as a daughter but I did it because I adore my mom. Then she fell and wouldn’t get out of bed for days. Was admitted to the hospital a few weeks back and they determined she was no longer safe at home. It was a weight lifted from me and my dad, but I am devastated at the same time. She’s kind of a loner so she won’t leave her room and only talks with the girls who come and help her. It’s the most loving thing we can do for our mothers and ourselves. We’re still adjusting to this. I cry all the time! But I know it’s for the best because it’s just going to get worse with the infections from not being clean, the falls, the paranoia, wandering, danger to herself, etc. She had also started drinking rubbing alcohol unbeknownst to me and brushing her teeth with face cream. What’s next? I didn’t want to find out! I think you should leave your mom where she’s at least safe.

Each of us must do what we feel is right given our circumstances. I almost pulled my dad from MC for same reasons, but opted to leave him there instead. He’s in a routine, sees more caregivers than if at our house, and they have shifts and come in cheerful and rested. I get burned out. Also, my dad’s had a couple moves in last two years and each pushed him further into dementia land so to speak. We call and go outside too, which he appreciates. It’s a really tough decision I wish none of us had to make. Good luck

Hi Laurie
Do you mind telling me your State? Just curious as we live in Upstate NY (4 hrs N of NYC) The Rehab/LTC NH where Mom is a Rehab patient for a fractured ankle won't allow window visiting much to my dismay. It seems like the whole country is doing thru the glass visits but here they are telling me it's too much of a risk....the area is fenced in...it will disturb other residents...pretty much any lame excuse that I might accept!

I even called Senator Sewards office to no avail and now I see he and his wife have mild cases of C19.

Face Time reduced her to tears as she is deaf. Consequently I am campaigning to get her discharged to home possibly this wk end, Unlike your Mother she is in Rehab destined to come home eventually anyhow. And she is paying out of pocket..another story!

So as others have said be grateful for your window visits and phone calls and Face Time. With or without C19 this would be a difficult adjustment period for both of you. Stay strong...you worked hard to get here there....I know you miss her and that has overshadowed the difficulties of caring for her at home right now. Just think how difficult it will be when you go back to work.

Give it more time ...you will both adjust to the new normal. Te best to you both.

Hi Laurie
My mom is in independent living but really should be in the memory unit at this point. They allow her to stay there because I have 24/7 aides with her. She never goes out of the apartment, hasn't gone out in years except to be rolled around the property in the wheel chair. Not anymore - they are in lock-down, only the aides and the staff go in and out.

So far, one man on mom's floor died from Covid 19, and one of the chefs died from it. There are currently 6 residents in her building that tested positive. I am terrified.

I too have been thinking about bringing her here, with an aide.

I am leaning against it - it would be very upsetting for her to make the move and be in a new place. She doesn't know my house, I just moved here a year ago. She's been here once but she was already deep in dementia and would not remember. Also if she or the aide have the virus, they would bring into my house.

We Skyped last night but she could not figure out what she was looking at. We'll try again tonight.

You unfortunately can not control all facets of taking care of everyone during this pandemic. I personally,having been an RN for 30 years,now retired,do not think it wise to bring your mother back home.You have been very,very thoughtful, but you have to care for YOU first,because your children need you. In times before this Virus, you might have been able to visit daily.Since I am currently the main contact for my 93 year old mother, I discovered that neither you nor I want our parent to be depressed or lonely or get sick, or even die. WE have to let go ! It's painful.My thoughts and prayers are with you.If you are a nervous wreck,consider an anxiolytic, more exercise,prayer or whatever decreases your worry. 🙏 💗 You have done a wonderful job, and you have a big heart .

She IS where she needs to be, for you and her. Have the kids make cards for her and mail them.

Leave her there, that's her new residence. Don't add to her confusion. You can see her later when the Corona Virus scare has subsided.

My mom is also in a facility for physical rehabilitation. She has no memory deficiencies and is fully alert and oriented to what is going on. I sympathize with you because I was very stressed with trying to take care of her before she ended up in the hospital. She wouldn't walk and wouldn't shower and didnt want to go to ANY doctors appointments. It was getting harder and harder to care for her daily. She was on blood thinners that ended up building up in her system but I didnt know that because she wouldn't go get labs done. She ended up with severe internal bleeding.
Please leave your mom there. There are underlying issues she may develop and you might not even become aware that's it's happening at home. Doctors appointments are being discouraged these days for the elderly and at least at the facility they have doctors on site. If for some reason she ends up getting infected, that is the best place to help her. They have oxygen and access to testing and all of the medications she would need. We all may become infected and not know it just by going out to get groceries. We do not have PPE in our homes to keep our loved ones safe. These are my worries as well. Of course at some point my mom will have to come home and I'm worried when that time comes.

Right now you say you are worried about her becoming lonely or declining, but you didn't say this has actually happened while she has been there. I completely understand your concern. On one hand you could see how this plays out over the next few weeks and see how she does. She is confined to her room, so exposure is being dealt with (although, again, I understand your concern).

The longer she is there, the bigger the chance for exposure. So it's kind of a do it now before there's an outbreak at the facility or see how it plays out. Either way there is a risk when you bring her home because she has been around people that you and your family have not.

Tough decision for you, but I think if you are serious about trying at home again, do it now before a case shows up in the facility and before the decline in memory is worse.

What great answers from so many people. Virus protocols make already difficult situations even more difficult. Make as few changes as possible and prioritize safety.

So glad someone posted this! I’m in same mind battle myself! Moms in AL and has been sick really sick but us coming out of it, allergies congestion etc. The testing I’ve not heard back from communication is impossible but I realize they’re swamped! I wish I felt better for her but I am worried her immune system could recover then we’d give her something worse! These are terrible times, we did window visits she just wasn’t interested.

Coincidently, just read an article about this as I read this Agingcare thread.

This seems to look at the whole issue from both sides.

https://www.startribune.com/should-you-bring-mom-or-dad-home-from-assisted-living-during-pandemic/569284382/

No, she will be exposed to less infection on the inside since all the nurses and CNAs will be properly outfitted with gloves and masks and all. Much safer on the inside--- at home, too many possible infectors and less control. Your kids will be the greatest possible infection carrier to Grandma. Do not bring her home. Wait til the Government says it is ok to go visit-- until then, call her once a day before lunch.

Probably best to leave her there and hope for the best. As others noted, if you bring her home, she could bring the virus in or one of you could give it to her if you happen to get it. Either way, there is a chance any one of you or she might get it. The stress of bringing her home might do more harm. Also, as others noted, if you become sick, then what?

As for keeping her in her room, I find that odd. The place my mother is at has IL/AL/MC. IL and AL must stay in their rooms and have meals delivered or prepare their own. I think they can go outside the bldg, just not off the premises or they don't come back in!

However, the weekly or more often notice via email specified that the MC residents will continue to eat meals together and have freedom of movement in the MC section only - no forays outside the section! They felt it was in their best interest, as you can't explain the issue to many of them.

If you have options for maintaining contact, use them. Our mother doesn't have a phone of any kind (between dementia and hearing it wouldn't be of use.) She never learned to use a computer, so all those apps are of no use. Window visiting isn't possible as her windows face a garden area circled by the building itself. About the only thing we might be able to do is deliver goodies and/or cards/letters to the main door.

Duggan, I fully support what Worried has written, and she's absolutely right.   There is NOT adequate equipment for all those in the medical profession trying to grapple with this pandemic.

And don't forget that first responders need proper equipment as well.   Police and fireman are already becoming infected.   

My niece is a front line ER Nurse who's now making her own facial and hair masks, and for others with whom she works, BECAUSE of the shortage of equipment.  

I'm curious, where did you get the information that CNAs would be properly outfitted?    It's definitely wrong.   Watch MSNBC or CNN and listen to what the medical people are saying:  they NEED proper equipment, and they need it NOW!

This is a very tough one. She is at risk in memory care. She would be at risk in your home. I think this is an individual decision only you can make knowing your mom, your Mom's current reaction to her life as it is being lived, the numbers of times you go out of your home, hence risking your own safety, and the possibility of bringing it back home with you, the numbers of people in your home, and etc. There is NO good and certain answer to Covid and until we have vaccine, for we elders and their children there will be no safe zone for more than a year. So I would say do the best you can. We are all worried and we all should be worried.

She needs to stay there. It's the best thing for both of you.

Yes, it’s on the news this evening. It’s safer to have anyone in assisted living at home now. Less exposure to virus. Assisted care facilities do not have proper protective equipment and are short staffed. I can understand your concern as well.

Laurie, I would really bring her home if you can, the sooner the better.
Nursing homes are a very, very dangerous place right now. I don't want to scare you or worry you more than you are, but the number of fatalities we are experiencing in Italy in homes are mindblowing. Even if you isolate her for 2/3 weeks in a room at your place she'll know you are near, it will be different. Find the safest protocol for isolation, even if you have to leave food out of the door.
Just my opinion of course. Sending you a hug.