My father is an Olympic-grade worrier & always has been. Probably the most anxious man ever. Both my parents (ages 88 & 92) are in assisted living, primarily due to mom's deterioration. I have made arrangements for her to be bathed, dressed in am & pm, and have meds administered. However, he is anxious beyond all belief about her care. He repeats over & over again that "I'm 92 years old - I'm not a caregiver!!!!" I encourage him to get away & participate in some of the resident activities, but he acts like he's too good for that. Also says "I can't leave her alone!" I have suggested bringing her to the lobby in her wheelchair & let her sit there while he does other things. There always are staff around if she needed help. But no-o-o-o! That won't work! Also, for instance, if the team that's bathing her does not get there within 5 minutes of the scheduled time, he calls to find out where they are. After a day or so of this he calls me & repeats the same complaints over & over & over. I do believe the AL is a good one & is highly rated & they have been very good to my folks. But mom's decline (physically & mentally) has been surprising. My dad had "planned" a completely different scenario for his old age, but obviously that hasn't happened. He has been put on an antidepressant & a couple of years ago went thru some counseling, but he dropped that because "what good is it"? I'm out of solutions. Any thoughts?
Is there anyway dad can get away? Is there anyone he could spend a weekend with? Even an afternoon out on occasion? Does he get out at all? For a haircut? A ballgame? An ice cream?
It sounds like your mom is being well taken care of given her condition. I’m sure he would worry about her the whole time but it might be worth a shot. Perhaps a sitter for mom while he is gone might allow him to breath easier. Remind him that 40% of caretakers pass before their loved ones.
Since you say he has always been this way it might be possible to overlook a basic health issue. So a check up might be in order. Check for a UTI. Get him an appointment with a geriatric psychiatrist to look over his meds.
If you haven’t already, pick up the book “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande. It will help you.