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My father is an Olympic-grade worrier & always has been. Probably the most anxious man ever. Both my parents (ages 88 & 92) are in assisted living, primarily due to mom's deterioration. I have made arrangements for her to be bathed, dressed in am & pm, and have meds administered. However, he is anxious beyond all belief about her care. He repeats over & over again that "I'm 92 years old - I'm not a caregiver!!!!" I encourage him to get away & participate in some of the resident activities, but he acts like he's too good for that. Also says "I can't leave her alone!" I have suggested bringing her to the lobby in her wheelchair & let her sit there while he does other things. There always are staff around if she needed help. But no-o-o-o! That won't work! Also, for instance, if the team that's bathing her does not get there within 5 minutes of the scheduled time, he calls to find out where they are. After a day or so of this he calls me & repeats the same complaints over & over & over. I do believe the AL is a good one & is highly rated & they have been very good to my folks. But mom's decline (physically & mentally) has been surprising. My dad had "planned" a completely different scenario for his old age, but obviously that hasn't happened. He has been put on an antidepressant & a couple of years ago went thru some counseling, but he dropped that because "what good is it"? I'm out of solutions. Any thoughts?

My husband takes him out about every 2 weeks. I see them at least twice per week. I have encouraged him to participate in AL activities and outings to no avail. Problem is, he is legally blind and is inconsistent about wearing his hearing aides, which limits what he can do. I've seen "Being Mortal" mentioned several times in Aging Care discussions & plan to order it today. Thanks.
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Reply to nature73
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What are the staff at the AL doing to help? At mom's NH staff actively separated the couple, encouraging her to take time for herself and engage in activities while reassuring that "he's our problem now, we'll look after him for you".
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Reply to cwillie
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Have you considered having them live separately? My mom and stepdad did, same facility, mom in memory care simply needed more care than stepdad was able to provide. He was in assisted living. They would have meals together on nearly a daily basis. Stepdad was able to do as he liked and needed KNOWING memory care was tending to mom and keeping very close track of her.
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Reply to gladimhere
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nature73 Jul 30, 2018
I HAVE considered separating them because their AL has a memory care section. I will check into this. I have no idea how they will respond.
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Dad needs to be seen by a geriatric psychiatrist for another evaluation and change in meds.
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Reply to BarbBrooklyn
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Poor dad. I know how he feels. I used to say “I’m not a nurse”. But it seems no one heard me. LIFE happens.
Is there anyway dad can get away? Is there anyone he could spend a weekend with? Even an afternoon out on occasion? Does he get out at all? For a haircut? A ballgame? An ice cream?
It sounds like your mom is being well taken care of given her condition. I’m sure he would worry about her the whole time but it might be worth a shot. Perhaps a sitter for mom while he is gone might allow him to breath easier. Remind him that 40% of caretakers pass before their loved ones.
Since you say he has always been this way it might be possible to overlook a basic health issue. So a check up might be in order. Check for a UTI. Get him an appointment with a geriatric psychiatrist to look over his meds.
If you haven’t already, pick up the book “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande. It will help you.
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Reply to 97yroldmom
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