The doctor released him to go home. And now she won’t let me visit but just twice a week at one hour visits. How do I fight this? My father is so sad because of this situation and can’t come home!!
Carney, if your Dad is in an Assisted Living/Memory Center, he's there for a very good reason. It now takes a village to take care of him. With Alzheimer's/Dementia, the situation with memory only gets worse, not better.
I am surprised that a Doctor would release your Dad to go home, or is this something your Dad told you? With memory issues, it is common for the patient to make up stories to get attention. Plus when a person says "they want to go home", usually they mean their childhood home, where life was much easier when they were a child.
Now, if your Dad does "go home", will you be his primary caregiver? He will need 24 hour care, thus you would be doing the work of 3 full-time caregivers each and every day. Is your house fixed with grab-bars in the bathroom, and other things that one usually finds in a Memory Care center? It takes a lot of planning, updating, patience, and energy.
If he's competent, Dad can change the Power of Attorney to you and you can assist him in the move to his home. Of course, at that point, you will be responsible for all of the matters pertaining to his care and your sister will be off the hook.....
Most of the Memory Care units that I have seen, require that a doctor confirm that it is needed. The resident may be healed in their body, but, not the mind. And dementia is not really reversible, most of the time. So, I'm not sure how he would qualify for Memory Care and then be mentally sound to leave.
Have you ever provided around the clock care for someone with dementia? It's often quite a bit more involved, than most people think. So, when I hear that someone thinks it's quite simple, I'm concerned. I'd also consider the reality of care as it progresses and mobility is a major issue. I might listen to sister's reasons for her decision. Maybe, she is aware of some things that you are not.
Freqflyer yes my father was released from his doctor and yes my dear I was at the appointment. My sister has said no, why, she might have to do something. She’s very lazy. She doesn’t have to lift her finger. No he doesn’t really need help with much. He gets up dresses or showers all by himself. He shaves grooms himself without help. He carries an intelligent conversation with me and my husband. Honey I want full responsability for him NO I’m not the only one doing it. Yes I will hire help plus my husband will be there. I will be living with him at his house all rooms on one floor. No stairs I’m not stupid here... this won’t be a piece of cake. I do have common sense to do the right thing. Yes I know it will be work. Yes I’m prepared for it. NO my dad isn’t just saying he can go home. I think I covered all your questions.
If your father is not legally declared incompetent, then it is he who gets to decide who can visit him, and how often. That is not up to his POA. He can also decide where he wants to live (within his means). The care facility should be aware of that. It might help if his doctor wrote a letter to them declaring that he does not need memory care and that he is not incompetent to make his own decisions. I wonder if it isn't just easier for a facility to say, "Oh she has POA, let her make decisions" than for them to respect the legal limits of POA authority. Unless your father has been declared incompetent by a court, the facility should not be enforcing your sister's decisions.
If Dad is mentally competent to make decisions, he can also decide that he wants you for financial and health care POA.
I know a man with dementia who called his doctor and declared that he did not belong in the memory care unit, and there was no one he could have a decent conversation with. Just the fact that he made it all the way through the lengthy phone menu and made it through to the doctor was pretty impressive in itself. The doctor OK'd him for regular Assisted Living, where he remained the rest of his life. So, yes, sometimes a decision that a patient needs memory care is later reversed by a doctor.
I'm not addressing the issue of what would be best for your father. But in terms of who can make decisions for him, I do not understand why your sister has that authority at this time.
Carney: I'm curious as to how your dad ended up in AL Memory Care in the first place? He can clean and dress by himself, and carry on a conversation with other people. That's quite impressive. Why was he placed in ALMC?
If the doctor found him competent to make his own decisions then I'm confused as to how she can prevent you from visiting or him from leaving, or did he (doctor) just advise that he is physically fit enough not to need nursing care?
IMHO the sister is likely overstepping her authority of an ordinary POA document. I'd consider consulting an attorney, preferably dad's attorney. Grace + Peace, Bob
You say you will be moving in with him? Is hubby coming also? Could this be why the POA is adamant he can't come home? Are there financial issues about his house, etc., you aren't mentioning? I'm POA for my mom, and there's a good reason for it, though my sister and brother and I get along fine. Sorry, but I'd like to hear the other side of the story because there usually is one, lol.
I can only speak from my experience, but my struggles over my mother's care were complicated by my sister's long distance meddling. When Mom was diagnosed with advanced dementia after my dad (and then caretaker), Sis was nowhere to be found. Our telephonic conversations were mostly about her demands from her for money. As Mom improved with proper medical care for an oozing wound and long overdue dental work, Sis began calling Mom to circumvent my authority as the long standing POA and, more importantly to her, Trustee of the funds. The facility shut her down for HIPPA reasons and eventually Sis's lawyer was ignored as a nuisance. After three years now, Sis is not speaking to any of us and only sends in here required receipts for uses spelled out in the Trust. I am grateful now that I can focus on my Mom. Yes, she is 1000 times healthier than three years ago, but the mood changes need constant monitoring. Also she is beginning to role out of bed and the 24-hour monitoring has prevented her from breaking limbs.
I am surprised that a Doctor would release your Dad to go home, or is this something your Dad told you? With memory issues, it is common for the patient to make up stories to get attention. Plus when a person says "they want to go home", usually they mean their childhood home, where life was much easier when they were a child.
Now, if your Dad does "go home", will you be his primary caregiver? He will need 24 hour care, thus you would be doing the work of 3 full-time caregivers each and every day. Is your house fixed with grab-bars in the bathroom, and other things that one usually finds in a Memory Care center? It takes a lot of planning, updating, patience, and energy.
Have you ever provided around the clock care for someone with dementia? It's often quite a bit more involved, than most people think. So, when I hear that someone thinks it's quite simple, I'm concerned. I'd also consider the reality of care as it progresses and mobility is a major issue. I might listen to sister's reasons for her decision. Maybe, she is aware of some things that you are not.
If Dad is mentally competent to make decisions, he can also decide that he wants you for financial and health care POA.
I know a man with dementia who called his doctor and declared that he did not belong in the memory care unit, and there was no one he could have a decent conversation with. Just the fact that he made it all the way through the lengthy phone menu and made it through to the doctor was pretty impressive in itself. The doctor OK'd him for regular Assisted Living, where he remained the rest of his life. So, yes, sometimes a decision that a patient needs memory care is later reversed by a doctor.
I'm not addressing the issue of what would be best for your father. But in terms of who can make decisions for him, I do not understand why your sister has that authority at this time.
Grace + Peace,
Bob
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