Father threatened to claim elder abuse.

No. Just no! It is NOT your obligation to pay for their living expenses. Your parents are adults and unless you are their guardians, you help arrange care for them but you are not financially responsible for them.

This is my little story regarding my mother threatening to tell APS that I was abusing her: I can't remember what we were arguing over - mom and I cannargue over whether water is wet, plus I didn't understand dementia and didn't get that trying to reason with her was pretty pointless. Anyhoo - I finally had enough and layed down the law. I can still clearly remember my mother saying she was going to turn me in for elder abuse. After getting over the initial shock I said to her "well, if you do that - that will mean I can no loner come over here and see you. Who is going to take care of things since I will no longer be allowed"? And that was the end of that.

Mike I am sorry your parents are dealing so fast. When their money does finally run out the only prospect will be nursing home on Medicaid so prepare yourself for that. keep all the paperwork so you can satisfy Medicaid where their money went. Try and concentrate on your own family and go to visit the parents when necessary. They are both angry right now because they feel their life has been taken away and you are the closest one to blame.

Mike, if your father is in charge of the bills how will you end up paying his rent? You haven't gone and co-signed something you wish you hadn't, have you?

On the face of it, of course I agree with you - paying rent on a unit you don't need and won't use is idiotic.

But to be really blunt, so is this, a bit: "I insisted that it had to go in order to save money and told him it was happening." Were you trying to piss him off?

It's your parents' money. If they want to waste it, who are you to stop them? You can help - you have helped - find them a good living situation; you can work out their budget; you can advise them on how they can match income and outgoings. But if you really want to help them, do not start giving them orders. It goes down very badly, QED, and is counterproductive. Which is a terrible waste of all your hard work, and a poor return for you.

Your second concern, about the precedent. I see what you mean, but you can avoid its being a precedent by not looking on this as an argument that either you or your father wins. Get his way? What, make his own decision? He is entitled, you know.

If you want to nip this in the bud and repair relationships, I'd recommend you apologise for overstepping the line between helping and interfering. I KNOW you did it for good reasons; I have been there too with the frustration of dealing with pig-headedness and I understand how it feels; but the fact is you did overstep. You should apologise.

Then start again, only this time remember you're trying to help them, not take charge of them.

Mike, technically, you trying to control your father's money (if he is competent) IS elder abuse. Of course you mean it in his best interest, or rather in your best interest because you fear needing to pay if/when his money runs out, but your good intentions don't change the facts.

Stop being abusive in your relationship with Dad. Stop assuming his future money needs are your responsibility. Gently guide him to make good decisions. Forcing decisions on him is abuse, pure and simple.

Mike, please listen to Jeanne. You are reasoning from a false assumption ( although a loving one) and that will leave you on rocky shoals every time.

You are NOT responsible for your parent's living expenses. Perhaps a third party
( lawyer, mediator, social worker) could help out here.

Let us know how this works out.

Thank you for all the new replies. Its very hard for me to come to terms with the fact that I dont have to assume responsibilty for my parent's future living expenses. What will become of them when it runs out? It breaks my heart to think of them having to deal with where to live without money. But I will try and not think about it. As far as the abuse assertion, no money has ever been spent on me or solely by me so you are right an investigation would find nothing but my friend here says to protect myself and start distancing away from the situation. Again that will be hard. I just have to hope this will not become a huge mess in the future. The call from my Dad in January about his fall started a horrible journey that continues today. I guess at this point I have done all I can to stabilize the situation and now I must back off.

Is the unit now completely empty? If so, I'm wondering if you could talk to the management of the facility about your father's keeping an empty unit. Perhaps they could send him a letter stating that they randomly check on units to ensure safety and preservation of the contents, and noticed that his unit is empty. They could write that there is a demand for units and if he doesn't need it someone else will.

That does run the risk though of having him decide, and possibly hire, someone to move things from his new home back to the storage unit.

An alternative is just drop the issue. He might be reeling from the shock of falling, moving, and is sensitive to and threatened by what he perceives as an attempt to take control of management of his life. This would be the approach I would take. Wait until he's adjusted to his new home and in a less threatened mood, then gradually segue into the issue sometime in the future.

I understand and applaud your concern for conserving his money, but I think his self esteem as a man, husband, parent, and other similar issues might be the more governing factors now. On that issue, he might be feeling less of the provider he was since you've become active in finding a new home, moving the furniture, etc.

Unfortunately, there's only so much you can do to protect a parent against wasteful spending. That's a hard lesson many of us have learned.

I do think your father is blustering and defensive though, so unless he does have legitimate grounds for claiming elder abuse, I'd let it pass, but protect yourself by staying away for awhile - let him get used to his new surroundings.

Does your father have dementia? If so - trying to reason with him is pointless - learning that simple lesson was probably one of the hardest for me. I mean, how could this smart woman - my mother, not see the logic in even the simplest of arguments? But that's just one of dementias cruel lessons. If your father does not have dementia - than clearly this is an issue of him rebelling against you taking control of his life. As others have stated - it's his money to waste as he pleases. I imagine that after some time passes he will relent but I also imagine it's going to need to be his call. If your father is still capable of reason - perhaps let the dust settle, let your dad get use to this new normal. Then - with advanced notice schedule a time with him to lay out the facts of his new financial reality. Write down what money is coming in and what money is going out. Don't have a solution already determined for him. Leave him with the figures and schedule another time to consider solutions. Sounds like your dad is going to need to be the one to come up with a solution in order to buy into it.

Oo, Mike, I'm so sorry to read of how fast this has accelerated for you and your parents. Loss of bowel and bladder control: what's the diagnosis behind that, do you know?

Then there's how your mother's coping; dementia is always a possibility, true, but don't underestimate what stress can do to a person's reasoning and coping skills.

And you're an only child with a full-time job and a family.

How are you getting on with the staff and managers at the ALF? Any allies there?