My father's wife (my stepmother) died a few months ago and I became his POA and long-distance caregiver overnight, and have spent more than 4 months of the first year of my marriage with my dad and away from my husband to help him out. I just took him for neuropsych testing for his memory and he has dementia and probable Alzheimer's. During the day, my dad sits and stews on bad decisions he made, the past, and other dark thoughts. He makes comments to say he is redundant, should slit his throat, etc. I can't handle it! He needs me to cheer him up constantly and reassure him he is loved and needed but frankly, I am so depressed and overwhelmed myself that I don't have the inner reserves to always be his rock. Meanwhile my life, husband and career are all on hold as I try to help him. I have never been an angry person but have become at times rageful. He and I have always been close but this is too much for me. My husband is pressuring me to put my father in a "home" but I have been trying to keep him in his house by cobbling together a care plan. No matter what I do he does not seem happy. I can't wait to go back home but I have guilt and fear of leaving others to take care of him. Any words of wisdom? I am only 40 as my father was almost 50 when I was born so none of my friends are dealing with something like this.
You must stop being his caregiver. He needs full time help...and you are not going to ever going to be able to do it. Even if you dedicate your life and destroy your marriage...you cannot do the job of 3 shifts of well rested caregivers.
Stop this now...get him where he can get the 24/7 care he needs.
I’m sorry for the loss of your step-mother.
You have been a wonderful daughter to come and help sort out your dads life.
Does your dad have funds for private pay?
You need to establish what level of care he needs. The Area Agency for Aging might be a place to start to help you determine dads requirements and what services are available for him.
Because we love someone we almost always think we are equipped to care for them when that is just not the case. A 50 yr age difference puts you more in the range of his granddaughter and there are many GD caring for their Grands who visit this site. But you need to give yourself a promotion on this job to that of manager. You will not be able to do all that is required alone.
It will be hard enough to manage his care on your own. Especially from a distance. Who else is in the area? Older siblings?
Cousins? Wouid he be better off in an AL or memory care near where you live?
Was he living closer to step children?
Your husband is right you have to make long range plans. Just because it would be better for you and husband doesn’t make it wrong.
At 90 he is going through a tough time. Making a transition now would probably be the best thing you could do for HIM and you.
Hugs to you.
Get professional advice and act on it soon.
In addition to getting a " needs assessment" from the Area Agency on Aging, get dad to a geriatric psychiatrist. What he's doing is called rumination; going over and over stuff in his mind, there are specific antidepressants that can help with this.
I agree with the idea that dad will do better in a group situation; I think most elders do. There are more eyes on the situation, more activities more expertise and more distractions.