My elderly father is getting so mean. Any advice?

Boy, this is a tough one and I feel for you. My dad had an awful temper when he was younger (during my childhood) but he mellowed as he aged. I'm sorry your dad is going the other way. Do you ever try to calmly talk to him about his temper and why he's behaving that way? Is your mom afraid of him?

My mom and dad had a relationship where she did everything for him to the point it wore her out. I tried to talk to them both at various times but I finally came to the realization that their marriage and relationship was 60 years in the making and I had to let it play out on its own. It was hard, but I let them do what they'd done for their whole marriage. But my dad wasn't shaking my mom. That's the only part of your parents' situation that would cause me to step in and take more action.

But first I'd try to understand what is going on with your dad. And I'd probably try to get him to a neurologist to see if there's some brain thing going on. If he's seeing a general practitioner, I'm not sure if he'd be able to tell whether someone is having some brain issues. Also has he had any medication changes lately? Is he diabetic?

The important thing is you...Not your mom or dad...I learned this the hard way...Find out what you need to do for yourself...A support group for me was a big help...I wish you the best...

1. Please Google search "Teepa Snow", a leading expert on senior care specializing in dementia and Alzheimer's patients. Read her website for information and consider getting one of her DVDs. Although he may be in good cognitive shape, Snow's tips for caregivers are very helpful and practical in getting obstinate parents to cooperate. I've tried to post Teepa Snow's website here before, but the links are not allowed, apparently.

2. Have a talk with your mother about not 'reacting' to your dad's temper. She should know better than to join him in an argument. The more neutral she can be, the less of a target she'll be for his anger. She's not doing either of them a favor. I hope you can discuss this with her without making her feel defensive and get her cooperation.

3. Get dad some psychological counseling, specifically anger management. If you and your mother tell him sympathetically it would help him feel better if he talked to a neutral party about his anger, he just may go. Not sure if Medicare in your state will cover it, or if his secondary insurance will. If you can't get psychological care for him, a clergy person will counsel him for free or a donation. Please consider this. Mom should attended at least one session, it will help her stop reacting against him/triggering his outbursts.

You all gave great advice, helpful to me too. But Redhead, your last line bothers me. "Help her against triggering his outbursts?" Help her not react to being shaken and yelled at is almost impossible.

WOW This is hard for you and i know somewhat , what you are going through, my dad was angry and very controlling more to my siblings and mom not all the time he was diagnosed with dementia and it got so much worse, please understand no one in their right mind has to put up with form of abuse, if he is aware what he is doing i agree everyone should sit him down and have a word of hope and encouragement with him on his behavior and of course i do believe in prayer. Express with this with love and let him know this can not continue. What ever decisions you make stick to them, Let him know it can not continue like a child he will test and push buttons. Hire a caregiver to take him where he needs to go , and let him be less dependent on the family members . i only say this as for his mind being ok not dementia or alzheimers, take one step at a time and one day as it comes. My dad passed away with not so much anger, he lost full control, with the last 6 weeks he had to go to ADL , Iagree with a support group or another dr to give him something to make him less aggitated and mean at times there are many natural things too that can be taken as well as a drug. If he is workingout this increases his brain endorphens (not sure of spelling) which can make him show more anger, possibly a therapist can get to the root of this from his childhood you mentioned he was mean. my dads anger stemed from his mom leaving him and his brother when they were youngm My prayer for you and your family is for ou to have the peace you all require to get you through this valley and storm.. God Bless ps council of aging can help in these areas check with your local community

Your dad's anger could be a sign of depression. My dad also had anger issues for years and, although he never touched my mom, I felt his actions bordered on verbal abuse quite often. He was very stubborn when we talked to him about taking an anti-depressant so this went on for a number of years. More recently, his health declined and it became obvious that he was also struggling with anxiety. After a trip to the ER, a stay in the hospital and a number of doctor visits, we learned that there weren't any significant physical changes that would cause him to feel so poorly so we focused on his mental health. He finally agreed to take Lexapro (mainly because this would help with his anxiety) but it also had the added benefit of being an anti-depressant. We gradually saw a difference in him, starting with the anxiety. Now his mood is much improved, he's pleasant to be around and is even thanking us all the time for helping them. While my dad will still need to deal with his physical health issues, at least he is in a better place mentally and more able to handle what comes his way - and, the best part is - he doesn't seem to be angry all the time!

Hi - this must be very difficult, not only now but even in all these years before now. I'm an only child too, and understand how directly you feel everything that goes on with them.

Good replies here so far. I echo what Simba advised. Even if someone else is not well, the majority of 'fixing' this for ourselves I think is outlook, learning how to process, not connect with the negativity, etc. Coaching, either a support group or going to an individual counselor. It shouldn't matter if the other person is not well, our own boundaries and responses still make the difference. If he's taking a hand to her (shaking is a start) she must learn to calmly and keenly look him in the eye and say 'Let go, now.' He may escalate if she doesn't get strategies on how to draw the lines, no matter what he is feeling. Especially since he's a workout guy, he's too strong to be left unchecked.

You guys can be sympathetic, work with him within your own boundaries... putting up with any of his crap is not required! Good luck, Funnyfarm, you guys deserve to feel okay despite his personality and his changes. Keep on this forum and keep strong!

DO NOT assume that 12 min. cognitive test his doctor gave him is valid for dementia! My husband had the same test when clearly he had already been diagnosed by an MRI as having signs of damage. The aggression you speak of is the frontal lobe where emotions are, and affected by dementia. Have an MRI, CT or PET scan done. An EEG might be "normal" at first, but as the disease progresses, it turns to "abnormal". Seek another opinion from a neurologist who does a more extensive verbal test as this aggression is just the beginning of dementia signs. My husband is 87 yrs. young in good shape physically, and now has progressed to a more calm stage without the anger. My best hopes for your family in 2014!

Personality usually does not change as one gets older, but some behavior traits may become more pronounced--sounds like that might be one reason. However, I would seek another opinion concerning your father. I would look for a very good Geriatrician as they might be few and hard to find. Set an appointment and have a very good workup from head to toe and look at every possibility--make sure that check all of his blood levels from some kind of deficiencies. If that appears to be negative, then I would look to psychology for therapy.
As the child I would have a face-to-face talk with dad and let him know some of the conseuqences if this continues. And he cannot behave, then I would take action that might require the authorities as I do feel your mother needs protection--shaking and shoving is just appropriate in any situation and should not be tolerated. After all, your mother has endured some abuse most of her life and deserves not to have to any longer. This is time to be tough and stand by your mother. Wish I had better advice, but you are the one who has to step in and really begin to take action. I feel when someone safety is involved we have to be held accountable. Be strong and resolute!!!

funny farm - My mom was always controlling and demanding my whole life. In the past few years she got worse. She would say angry things to me and it was like she wanted to get a reaction to. Finally, I would walk away and tell her I will come back when you are feeling better. It was hard in the beginning but the more I did this the easier it got. I would not get upset and tell her that it was a very mean thing to say or how nasty she was. She has dementia. Eventually, she would say how sorry she was. She did not do that a lot. At least your dad is able to exercise. This website has saved me and gave me a lot of advise. Just take what works and use it. The most important thing to do is to take care of YOU!!!! Take care.

How exhausting for you. I can sort of relate because my elderly mother has a mean streak, along with various personality disorders, but nothing as bad as what you describe. My heart goes out to you.

How long have you been trying to serve as a buffer between your parents? Is that a responsibility a child should have, whether they are an only child or one of many? Haven’t you noticed you don't actually have the power to change them?

Regarding your father, cognition is not the issue. The reality is that a person who has been "hateful" since childhood and now has become "almost not even human" has mental health problems. Your AgingCare ID of “funnyfarm” gives a clue that you at least have an idea of this.

You asked for advice and mine is to get to a NAMI meeting right away -- National Alliance for Mental Illness – for support from others who have similar issues. The Birmingham chapter meets the second Tuesday of each month from 7:00 to 8:00 p.m. in the second floor auditorium at the UAB Center for Psychiatric Medicine. I don’t know what it is, but they have a “Family to Family” class on the 13th.

God bless and may the new year be a happier one for you.

Funnyfarm I forgot to add, your mother needs to be protected. Either get her to your house or find another intervention to help her deal with an abusive spouse. Do not allow this to go on much longer, and you are the only one who can stop it by your actions. You can do this!

If you feel strongly that there has been a significant change in your father's personality over the last twelve months, that warrants full investigation - not just a quick questionnaire at the family doctor's office.

I'm interested: what differences, in your experience, has your father's blindness made both to how he behaves, and to what boundaries other people set with regard to him?

And I'm curious: who says he was a "hateful child"?! And why?

He'll probably pass any psychiatric evaluation with flying colors. To me, he knows what he's doing. Of course your mom hates being manhandled like that, but it's what she's used to. I can understand where she's coming from. What I don't get is how a blind bully can get away with so much.

Perhaps the feeling of helplessness and frustration of not being able to see has become so unbearable he's taking it out on all of you. Then again, it might be his way of showing he's still "in charge."

Still, is there a large male in your family who's not afraid of him and can come over to shove and shake him a little every time he becomes physically abusive? It could improve his disposition and help him channel that anger in positive ways.

If you get a chance, take a look at a book titled "Elder Rage". It's a memoir of a daughter stepping into caregiving for her parents: her father was increasingly angry, hateful, and sometimes physically violent and her mother as from the past continued to enable that. The situation is not an exact parallel but may give you some insights, as it did me in handling my often miserable, physically well but verbally abusive 86-year-old mother. Doesn't sound like his behavior is going to improve without some non-negotiable boundaries being drawn and made clear to him, regardless of what state he is in mentally and cognitively. Taking chances with your mother's physical well-being is not a good option. Best wishes and prayers for a good outcome!

Everyone has really given great advice/suggestions but given the fact he is putting his hands on his wife, what about calling Adult Protective Services to have them come out and evaluate the situation?

Ok ive read everything you all have said....and all thou u have all given some great advice there are things that i have noticed that may be obsticales....i too deal with an angry father....we list our mom in feb. For years she had been dealing with an increasing angry man, she lived with verbal abuse almost daily, sometimes physical pushing and shoving. Now that she is gone i am getting the verbal abuse i cant say anything without being told im stupid dont kniw what im talking about etc etc. For the past 10 years or so my mom & i have talked about why he may be this way...there were a few things like occasionaly he would have nightmares about the war, (hes a WWII vet) as he actually landed on Juno beach on D Day, eventually we figured out he might have PSTD that only became mire apparent after he retired. The problem we had was to be diagnoised with it he would have to see a psychologist/psychitrist, but his response to that is im not crazy!! and would not go, as thats and old fashion beliefs coming thru. We can not change their ways of thinking even with partial dementia. So i doubt u will get him there. Im still trying to figure it all out but im with you in the...i dont have the answeres i wish i did. Alit of good advice and misguided advice i think each situation is as individuale as each person is and you need to keep trying different things until u find what works for your special person. Xo

Hi there (funnyfarm),

I like your user name. I imagine it fits, right? This has to be tremendously hard on you, especially since you're an only child. I think you're right about wanting your Mom to move out and live elsewhere because this has to be totally draining on you. I feel sorry for you!!! :(

My husband went blind for approx. the last year of his life. It had to be extremely difficult for him. I would pray, read, and sing to him each day. My favorite show was Jeopardy and I would read the answers to him. The final Jeopardy question was the best because I had more time while the music was playing to read it to him. He had dementia, for years, but I kept trying to include him in activities. I felt better this way and I think he did too. I adjusted the activities to fit his needs so he didn't get frustrated with them. Also, if he tired of them, I would quit and usually play something else with him. I read the card numbers to him and asked him to tally them up. This is when we played the card game called war. I encouraged him to use his brain. My husband just died mid October. I'm trying to make my way in the world by my lonesome now. I cry at times but know that he's better off now compared to the end of his life.

Anyway, I can't stay away from reading this newsletter. I was my husband's primary caretaker and I can't totally drop not being concerned about others who are in my past shoes. I feel you're doing a terrific job over there. It sounds like you're trying to keep your Dad motivated. When we gets mean, walk away from him for a bit. He needs to know this is not acceptable behavior. Since he is blind, you should tell him this before you do walk away. You don't deserve this torture and I hope that things at your end get better for you. I hope he's not a drinker. Many drinkers can be mean and obnoxious. I understand why your Mom doesn't move out. She is probably most dependent on you and your Dad at this point in her life. She needs to stay way from him too when he gets mean. I'm thinking that she might have a low self esteem if her husband has been picking on her for years and years. OUCH!!! :(

Good for you for trying to get your Dad out and about. He needs this. Also, your Mom needs to be protected from your Dad. Always keep this in mind and try to get her to do what is best for her or else you may have to intervene when it comes to this matter. I hope ti won't come down to this though and that she will come to this realization on her own.

Good luck!!! May things work out better for everyone over there in 2014.

Sincerely,
RUBYINRED

Several good answers already. 1) Mom needs to physically and verbally step away from Dad when he is angry. 2) This is abuse to your mom, you can report this. Talk with your Aging services or Adult Protective Services anonymously and ask what would happen if you did so. Your Dad may not value your input, or your mother's, but the "authorities" may be important enough to let him know what is acceptable and what is a violation. 3) I doubt that he will submit to counseling, or even antidepressants (which will probably help him), but he might consider antidepressants as they also improve sleep, decrease pain, make you worry less. My own mother would rage and worry, and only took antidepressants because they decreased her sciatica, and by serendipity her incontinence (in the early stages). (This was an older Type II version of antidepressants). Talk with your father's MD, or write the MD about the violent behavior and see if a trial of an antidepressant might address another issue that is important to your DAD. The MD suggestion might make Dad more willing to try the medication. Sleep and pain relief are very motivating. 4) Males of your father's age were in control of most things and person's in their lives. He is now loosing control, and may be frustrated.
Good Luck. This is difficult, feels like taking sides, but there are legal issues that you can cite, "Gosh, Dad, we need to get this to stop or I could get in legal trouble for not reporting it." "Other people might need to step into your life to protect Mom." "I know X Y or Z is frustrating, its ok to say that, but don't yell at or hurt Mom." "We love you but we hate this behavior."

I lived with the same situation with my father. He came from an impovrished childhood with 13 other children. He told me he went to a funeral and a christening every year of his childhood. He grew up near Russia,. nothing would grow in the freezing cold country. He apprenticed as a tailor and came to the US, married a young bride (a consumptive) who died after 13 years. He made some money, met my mother - a useless whore - who squandered his money and abandoned us for another man that she got pregnant by. I loved and cared for my father, understanding his sad life. We were two against the cruel world. I got a good job,
made my own money and we shared life together. As I started to make friends and date, isolating him, he became more critical and controlling. He did not want me to travel or go out, I could not even watch TV. At 40 I was ready to kill myself - I finally cut the cord of codependence and told him when our building was torn down, I was getting my own place. I saved all his SS money for him, he told me I could have all his money, I told him I had my own money. He looked at me with a slight smile that puzzled me, he ordered me to shut the TV off and I told him to "shut up",
It went on like that several more time and he finally shut up. Those were our last words in this life. Next I found him dead in a funeral pose sitting in the bathtub.
I have lived with grief the rest of my life. I am now 84 years old!

Redhead, as you noted, culture, history, deprivation that we did not experience influence our parents' exceptions of how life and relationships should work. You did well by your father when he did not know better. Let go of the guilt and grief, remember the good times, forget the rest. You were loving in all the care you provided for your father and that is what counts,

My mom started getting very mean and frustrated with her dementia and was physically acting out trying to hurt my dad, myself or herself. We finally took her to a behavioral center where the doctor said that her dementia was in the frontal lobe where your anger and aggression comes from. They started treating this and mom is now back to her normal behavior. They can't get rid of the dementia, but at least now we can take care of her without worrying about her hurting someone.

This is one of those situations where the whole social dynamics are such is that mom cannot function outside of this dysfunction.
There are times when one does have to walk away from a situation and let the state step in. That would 'break it up' eventually.
I do not think you are going to be able to get your mom help or out because of the above comment: she cannot function without this drama. (trust me, I have seen this scenario more times than I care to mention and this is with younger folk as well...there is some sort of psychological 'fix' for living in situations like this.)
Good luck. Perhaps just walking out of the room would do it, if he is violent enough, call the police and have him removed that way, even if it is overnight. Might be something of a wake up call perhaps (unless he is demented) but if you had a police report it might go a way in trying to get help professionally.

@anndaughter…you got my attention when your explained your mom had FTD! That is the diagnoses that a major university here gave my husband. Can you please share what Rx your mom is taking that helped her?? I am desperate as he is going to get kicked out of the ALF due to his rage attacks, extreme anger and violent verbal attacks on staff (and me). Thank you in advance...

Thank you so very much for this forum. I'm an only child taking care of my elderly father after my mom suddenly passed away last year. I am at the end of my rope with him screaming at me and using me as his punching bag because of his anger and hurt he is feeling. I'm doing the best I can but I just feel like he hates me and resents me because I'm here and she is not so he takes it out on me. I try to help him, cook for him, take him to his doctor appts. and go shopping for him but nothing is ever good enough because I'm not my mom. He still treats me like I'm 12 years old and sometimes I feel that way by the way he puts me down and treats me. It's becoming emotionally abusive for me and I'm so shut off from the world I once knew because I'm so depressed but put on a brave face & smile and just take it all in until I'm completely alone to fall apart. And then this happens all over again the next day. I don't look forward anything anymore because I'm just so emotionally drained trying to take care of my very mean Dad all the while I'm trying to take care of my own household with a not so supportive husband. I'm just feel like I'm trapped with no one to turn to. I would appreciate any suggestions or help that anyone could give me or just to send me in the right direction to a support group. Thank you kindly.

Gingerett1 you might want to start your own thread about you and your dad. Can you tell us more about him? How old is he? How incapacitated is he? Can he manage most things on his own, or does he need a lot of help with the activities of daily living?

It sounds like he'd be a good candidate for assisted living, depending on how much help he needs. Or other caregivers to come into his home to help him.

It's too bad that he's so upset, but you don't need to take his verbal/physical abuse. There are lots of threads on here about abusive elders and how to deal with it. The first thing is when he starts in on you, calmly tell him you won't be treated or talked to that way and tell him you'll come back when he's calmed down and you're leaving. Then leave. Come back later and if he starts in again, the same thing. He'll quickly learn that to get help from you, he must treat you with respect. Good luck and tell us more! You'll get lots of support and good ideas from this wonderful group of caregivers.