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Hi. So here's the situation. My mom has Alzheimer's. She was diagnosed in 2013 and had a stroke March of 2017. The stroke seems to have sped up the Alzheimer's. Since then, my sister and I have been taking care of mom. My father has taken a back seat to her caregiving. He does very little to help and my sister and I are completely burnt out. These days all my mom likes to do is go for walks, and go on drives. My father won't do either with her. He pretty much stays in his room, sleeping or browsing the internet. My parents have two and a half acers of trees and plants that we had to take over because my dad was letting everything die. He gets behind on his bills, which we are starting to help him with. Besides the nightmare that is my mom's Alzheimer's, we have the added stress of my father's apathy. He is childish, selfish, and lazy. "In sickness and in health" right? Guess my dad is cherry picking his vows. My mom was the glow that kept all of us together, now we are barely hanging on. I love my mother so much and she doesn't deserve to be so easily discarded by her husband. I've tried asking nicely for help, I've tried family meetings, negotiating, empathy, and begging. I've even tried screaming at him. He will not help us. I'm so tired and I don't know what to do. I hate the way my life turned out and I feel trapped. Any advice would be appreciated.

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Jesamay, are you sure Dad is capable? Has he 'checked out' so that it won't be obvious that he needs help too?
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Jesa Will be praying for you. As Talkey said, are you sure he is capable at this time? How old are your parents? Is it possible he is grief stricken? Feeling he has lost his wife, to this terrible disease?
You are a wonderful daughter that you are loving your Mom and caring for her.
Caregiving is one of the hardest things we will ever do. God is my strength. HE is the only way I get through each day.
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Jesamay -

Regarding your dad, from what you described of your dad's non-involvement, it does not look like he will ever lift a finger to help his wife or himself. Why? I don't know. Maybe he's lazy and neglectful of his duty as you said, or maybe as others suggested, he is not mentally capable. Perhaps, he has depression and lost all his motivation to do anything. What is there to live for when you practically lost your wife. That's how many men take it when they lose their wives. Many posters here complain about their non-involved siblings. I see your situation being similar to theirs. The bottom line is the more you expect the more disappointed and angry you will be. And the opposite will be true, too. Your dad won't change, so you can only change your attitude.

Regarding your feeling burnout, I do feel for you. Helping your parents is a job in itself. Do you also work? If so, you really have two jobs, and should cut back on one of them. Can your parents pay you for your help? If so, they really should, that way you can afford to work less outside, and be less stressed, and less resentful of the situation.

With regards to the house and the land, if they can't take care of it, perhaps they should downsize. Have you thought about selling it? They can use the money to pay for a smaller place, maybe an assisted living place where your mom can get care.

Take breaks from the caregiving to take care of yourself. Your health is important, too.
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Dementia means losing a person before they actually die.

Maybe try turning that empathy around and look at the fact that your dad has lost his life partner - which is a lot different than losing a parent. We spend all our adult lives knowing we'll likely outlive our parents and mentally preparing ourselves for it.  Meanwhile your parents have known and loved each other longer than you've even been alive, and have probably never known which one will be the survivor of the other.

There is a reason men often die soon after their wives, while women often go on for years after losing their husbands. Men (particularly those of older generations) weren't brought up to be socially adept or to have many, varied friendships and a strong support network in the same way women were. Older men especially were brought up to contain or squash their emotions, leaving them in the position of only being able to share their true inner lives with their spouses. Men's wives are usually their best and often only real friend in the whole world. So he's lost his best friend, his support system, and the love of his life.

I would suggest looking at this a little differently and getting your dad's doctor to investigate depression. Maybe he really is apathetic, selfish, lazy, and neglecting important things - but those are also red flags for depression.  Depressed people are frequently viewed as selfish and lazy from the outside, and they do become apathetic and neglectful.  Sleeping all the time is a definite sign of depression, and surfing the internet can be a form of distraction and numbing out.  Depression IS an illness.  He may need an anti-depressant and/or some grief counseling to get through this incredibly difficult experience.
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Crumbs, Jesamay. Bit harsh on your Dad, no? Dorianne has explained pretty much everything I was going to say.

I know this is really hard and upsetting for you and your sister, with added frustration as well, but everything you're feeling is magnified ten times for him - and he's an old man, without the years ahead that you and your sister still have to look forward to.

Just on a technical point: the stroke will probably have added vascular dementia to the Alzheimer's disease, hence the acceleration you've noticed. And five years of this... your poor family.

Please keep coming back to us, we do understand and we do sympathise.
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My dad does have depression, he's lived with it all of his life. His father was bipolar, and so mental illness runs in my family. Also, my father, lives with pain regularly. From back pain to shoulder pain, to migraines. Please don't get me wrong, I truly feel for my dad. I love him and it kills me when I see the sadness in his eyes. What I'm hearing is that I have to change my attitude. Yes? See that's the rub. I just don't see how taking mom out for a drive once in a while is just too much for my dad, mentally. Maybe I'm not understanding how being mentally incapable is a good enough excuse to do so little. Regardless how I feel I still give my mom 100% I have feet problems, yet I still walk with her all day. My sister has back problems, but she still fights through the pain to change my mom's briefs. I've been told by most people that I just have to except my dad's behavior. He is what he is. How do I except this? I must be missing something cause I've tried excepting it and I'm still so resentful. Thank you for your answers. You've given me a lot to think about.
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No no no! Not change your attitude, or not in the sense of "let's have less of the attitude" anyway.

How can one put it... perhaps, think a little more deeply and empathetically about how - *wearying*, how demoralising, your father's state of mind and his reaction to your mother's condition might be.

Depression isn't moping, it isn't something you can motivate yourself out of. It is a soul-sucking, physically paralysing form of despair. Escaping online is one way of handling it; but it can be anything that blocks your thoughts.

It is also, I have to agree, a complete pain in the butt for everybody else on the team! :)

What I wouldn't tolerate is your father's refusing to discuss his own health with suitably qualified practitioners. Don't expect miracles from it, but I think you should feel free to stand there with your hands on your hips and insist that he gets seen.

I was thinking about your mother and father earlier, and another thing did occur to me. If your mother was diagnosed in 2013, there will have been a period before then, perhaps of some years, when although she wasn't obviously ill she was kind of "off." Maybe not caring for herself as normal, not as much fun, not as quick on the uptake, not as strong a support to your Dad. What this could mean is that, for one thing, he's been sinking for longer than you might realise; and for another, that there will have been a period of time when, not knowing there was anything wrong, they may just have cooled towards one other a bit.

There is a wonderful married couple, Timothy West and Prunella Scales, who have made films about their experience of dementia. They're both actors. Prunella Scales is probably best known as Sybil Fawlty in Fawlty Towers - the best performance of the best character in one of the best TV comedy series ever. They are inspirational, and also very truthful about the disease and its impact, and I wonder if you might find them a useful study - for them too, it's the higher profile, more extrovert wife who is now ill.
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I really feel for you and your sister. Others have commented on Dad's depression and possible dementia too.

I too agree with CM "No" is not an acceptible answer to telling Dad he needs medical attention. Now he has sunk too deep to take care of this himself so go ahead and make an appointment with his primary care Physician and take him any way you can.
That is the first step. You can also write a letter to the Dr ahead of the appointment pointing out everything and more that you have told us because Dad won't speak up and probably won't let you into the appointment.

You mention a history of bipolar disease which can cause many of the behaviors you mention. These days there is a lot of medical help for that.

You have seen your mother through her dementia journey so you have some understanding of the loss of mental abilities. if this is dementia there is little medical help available although with a proper diagnosis there may be drugs available.

Has your dad always been like this or is it completely new since Mom became so dependent? If he's always been unhelpful then this is just getting worse with age, as the saying goes people become more like themselves the older they get.

As far as changing your attitude there is little you can do about that your feelings are just your feelings.

What you can do is change the circumstances. Try and get help for Mom. Ask the Dr if she is eligeable for any home care etc so at least she may get someone to come in and bath her several times a week. If you can possibly afford it get a caregiver to come in at least once a week so you and your sister can have some free time. and take care of your own medical problems. Are you both retired?
Downsizing is a good idea but will take a lot of planning. let the plants die just have some one with a brush hog come in a few times a year and clear the lot.
Do you have POA , financial and heath?
The financial stuff has to be taken care of by the two of you. If Dad will agree have one or both of your names put on his bank account so you can pay the bills directly.

The best advice is always to take care of yourself first otherwise you can't take care of anyone else.
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I think your dad has dementia too and is also depressed. If you have all your legal paper work done, POA etc. then get dad’s mental cognitive condition assessed. Hospitals have small wards called Geri Psych where a psychiatrist, social workers, counselors, etc will give you a diagnosis and usually medication is started.

The difference in my mom’s quality of life and mood were astounding. I had misgivings about meds but they do help!
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Just heading out the door on my respite block, but I'll come back in later. Jesamay, my mom has also suffered chronic depression all her life, and yes, it could be that hard on him just to take mom for a drive. Chronic pain makes it even harder, because it's so debilitating that it worsens the depression. In fact, the two may be connected in the brain in ways we don't even fully understand yet.  Like you, I also suffer from pain issues but I do everything anyway, without even a sibling to spell me off - my brain works differently than my mom's and that was a really hard thing for me to understand when I started caregiving. Sometimes it still is, but I'm learning how to "be the boss" of my mom, who is stubborn!!!! But anyway, I WILL be back in a bit later!
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I truly appreciate the advice. Today was a good day with both mom and dad :) I shared, with my father, what I wrote and your comments. We were able to work out some of our issues and I feel a lot better.
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That's good news, Jesamay!

Does your dad take medication for his depression? If not, do you think you can get him to a doctor to discuss it? And if he does....his meds might need changing or adjusting. Sometimes anti-depressants work for a time, and then they don't anymore.
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My dad is on meds, Zoloft. I found out yesterday that not only is he dealing with his pain through PT, but he is also scheduled to start grievance counseling. My dad is taking steps and on his own terms.
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Gosh, Jesamay, I realise we haven't even asked: how old are your parents?

And, are you and/or your sister actually living with them?
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Jesamay, I’m glad to hear that you did a difficult thing by confronting your dad with what you wrote and the comments. Good for you by being proactive. You are obviously very caring. I think sometimes when we can see what is happening and have no control over it plus you’re doing caregiving it’s a double whammy. I validate your feelings of being resentful. You have a right to those feelings.
I disagree that you quit your job for helping. Do what you can and as my therapist told me "to live into my values". You are not superwoman nor should you pretend to be so. Do those things you and your sister can but draw boundaries. Know what you can do within your values and then begin to find people who can take care of the yard work, clean the house, get the bills paid automatically. Someone else pointed out to be sure you have a medical and durable POA, as well as advanced directives and health care proxy.
Until your dad sees a doctor and maybe gets his meds adjusted and the grief counseling, it is not the time to sell a home and move.
In addition have you and your sister considered counseling. It would help you with your feelings that you’re having and coming to grips with losing your mom. Please consider it.
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Actually, it sounds like your dad IS sick - he most likely has some form of dementia and he simply may not see what is wrong with your mother.

My father was so sick with his heart that he never saw how bad my mother had gotten with Dementia and sadly, none of us children knew how bad it had gotten because we were never told.


I would suggest having your father evaluated and soon.


P.S.  Sometimes fathers also expect the children (especially daughters) to take care of an ailing mother.
I have witnessed this myself.
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Terrible for you. Don't let others put any guilt on you for being angry and/or disappointed with your dad. We expect that spouses will be there for each other and it's horrible when they choose not to (and yes I say "choose"). My dad has dementia and my mom has completely rejected him after 50+ years of marriage. She has been verbally abusive and she has done everything she can to side-step any responsibility or compassion. It is absolutely heartbreaking. Her excuse is always "I'm depressed!" Well hell I am too. We are several years into this mess. I moved him to a memory care facility a year ago, in part because she was so verbally and emotionally abusive to him. At his facility I see other spouses patiently sitting with their dementia-spouse, having lunch with them, and just being there for them. It makes me so angry and sad for my father that she has rejected him. Just this morning we received a phone call that my dad has taken ill and is staying in bed (he is normally ambulatory with a cane). Anyway I rush over there to check on him. There's not much I can do except express that I care and I am watching over him. Well it was all just TOO much for mom, no, she won't go, can't handle it. I cried off and on all morning. Your dad's behavior sucks and you have a right to be pissed off.
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I can kinda relate as I’m sort of going through the same thing with my parents. My dad suffers from depression, terrible pain from diabties, mesothelioma, and heart disease. He literally stays in bed for weeks at a time without showering. My mother refuses to help only minimally. She expects him to handle his illnesses the way she would and that is just unrealistic. Your dad is handling a situation the only way he can. His bipolar depression will not allow him to physically be there for her because he mentally can not overcome his disease right now. Calling attention to it may in fact be stressing him more. He may be putting a plan in action to check out himself. If he is trolling the internet it would be wise to find out what he is searching for. Only you know your father. If he has always been self centered and uncaring then that could very well be his way. If he is on medication and his depressions under control then it’s his way. If he has always been kind , loving and attentive and he no longer is then he is struggling as well. Because his way is not your way doesn’t mean he cares less just means he cares differently than you do.
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I think I read somewhere where 40% of caregivers die from the stress of caregiving. First and foremost take care of yourself.
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You can’t expect him to help if he’s overwhelmed & elderly....do the best you can & I believe he needs help, too.
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'Denial' isn't just a river in Egypt - your dad is in denial about the changes in both your mom & him - he sounds like he might be starting to have issues too so he needs to be checked out too
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Jesamay17, kudos to you and your sister for the care you've been providing your mom for so many years. Reading your description and all of the prior responses stirred up a lot of old memories, emotions and frustrations regarding my mom and dad's situation (now just my dad's) over the past 10 years. You said your dad has taken a back seat to caregiving for your mom, but if his situation is like my dad's, he was actually put into the backseat and due to his age and condition he became incapable of anything else as his life crumbled around him. It's hard to give specific advice because there is so much we readers don't know about your parents' mental, physical and financial capabilities and limitations. But you've gotten some good general advice, e.g. getting your dad evaluated for dementia. Having said that, some things you said caught my eye, to wit, "I've even tried screaming at him....I'm so tired and I don't know what to do. I hate the way my life turned out and I feel trapped." I think those are warning signals that your breaking point is fast approaching.

Just two sisters, even if they are of the superwoman variety, will be hard pressed to personally provide 24-hour care 365 days a year for two parents and also take care of their house and 2.5 acres of landscaping, even if they don't have other jobs, obligations or goals. Full-time caregiving for just one person (24/365) is the equivalent of 4.5 full-time jobs and the stress and exhaustion from it are killers. As Valenciasmom said, 40% of caregivers die before the person for whom they are providing care and I've read that the 40% increases to 70% for caregivers who are 70 or older. To paraphrase Veronica91's earlier advice to you: "What you need to do is change the circumstances." And to repeat my frequent advice on this forum: Caregiving is like a flight on a troubled airliner, you need to put on your own oxygen mask first so you can help those who can't do that for themselves.

So, given the limited knowledge of your family's circumstance, as others have advised, get financial and medical durable power of attorneys (DPOAs) for both parents. Get your dad's condition evaluated. Begin earnestly investigating caregiving help coming into the home as well as what's available in caregiving facilities(e.g. adult daycare, independent living, assisted living, memory care and skilled nursing homes). Inventory your parents' income and assets to see what they can afford on their own and, if needed, investigate resources available to assist with costs (e.g. Medicaid and Veterans Administration). Call your state's Office on Aging and review information on various websites, including this one, as well as books such as "The 36-Hour Day." Consult with and elder-law attorney. Involve your dad in all this as much as he's willing and able. Best wishes from a fellow "trapped" caregiver.
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Jesse's, have you considered that Dad could be depressed over the situation and is missing his wife. He might very well need help also. Let me encourage you to continue your labor of love. Don't give up,when it's over for them you will feel relieved that you did your best.Then you will love how your life turned out. I've been taking care of my husband with dementia for over 10 years and just recently placed him in NH and I couldn't have done it without my /our two daughters. You are a wonderful daughter. Dad needs you. God bless.
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From what I understand, Bipolar is a disease and it's debilitating. He may need to see his doctor and be evaluated or referred to a specialist to help him. Not everyone can handle or help in the same ways. After my mom died, I didn't (still don't) want to go anywhere or take anyone anywhere. I have to force myself to do things that HAVE to be done. You are entitled to your feelings and I understand the frustration, there were many things my Dad wouldn't do for my mom, and now I'm sure he regrets it. I really don't have any advice but I do recommend the Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
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