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We feel trapped with no help. My FIL does chip in on the bills, but we are now both suffering our own health issues and want to sell our home, abd finally start living our life on our own. We raised our four kids, and he is such an unappreciateive, cranky, braggart, shut in, who doesn't get that we wish to enjoy life, instead of sitting home with him day after day! Something has to change, we need to save our marriage, and move him out, please advise?

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You must do what is neccessary to take care of your health and welfare first. At a point where someone has become unreasonable or more of a burden than you can handle, then without their permission you move forward in getting your life back.
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Offering a choice still gives your FIL a sense of independence and you may get a better response. Letting him know how you are feeling without putting him on the defensive can give you closure on this big decision. In the moment it is very difficult but if you lay out your true feelings from a place of vulnerability, and they are then still disregarded, you have your answer.
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Not clear if FIL has some aging problems or not. Not sure if he contributed to the purchase of the home or contributed so you and your husband could buy the home or not. If he was just living there and paying his part of the running bills, he should have money from the home he sold to be with you after the wife passed if he indeed had a home to sell --perhaps he and his late wife rented.

I would tell him he can buy the house from you or if he is part owner, he can buy you and your husband out of the home. Whatever monies he has he can use to have hired help come to care for his needs.

Sounds like you need to leave is equal parts, empty nest problems, your own declining health and needing your money out of an asset namely your home.

Good luck as you sort out this issue.
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My HUSBAND refuses to accept outside help - says he doesn't need a babysitter. I, however, never get to be away for any length of time where I can "enjoy it". I always feel that I must rush to get back home. Getting groceries is up to me, of course, and I try to go to the Y for exercise (never make it all 3 days - once this week). He tells me that all I do is run. Maybe it seems that way to him,ie. that I'm gone a lot, but quite honestly I am NEVER gone unless it's an errand that must be done. He just hates to have me out of his sight. Even if I go for a walk, he forgets where I am and then says, "where the hell where you" when I get back. IMPOSSIBLE! I am interested in this conversation because I know the time is coming that I must get some help from somewhere for some of the time. Not really help - I mean someone to be here to explain where I am and to watch what he does and where he goes.

Valencom, I disagree that you can explain it to him as you say. I cannot explain anything to my husband. He will argue and make no sense in his argument. I guess one just has to do it. I invite friends in for dinner a time or two each week, which gives me someone to talk to and a change in scenery! However, that means MORE work for me, as you can imagine.

I don't really want to do too much complaining on this website and I have seen the criticism that I and others have gotten. Some people must think that we are all made of "iron" - nothing gets us down or bothers us. At least when you are speaking of a parent, you may or may not have them 24 hrs. a day and there may be siblings. I have my husband 24 hrs. a day and my two sons live far out of town.

I'm at the point where I need to start looking for someone, but I don't know just where to start. Hopefully, I can find a little financial help somewhere. Although we are comfortable financially, I think paying someone for several days every week would be quite a drain.

Sooo, stacyb1960, I sympathize and know that the only answer is "just DO IT", but I also know that that is very hard on the caretaker, as well. Wish someone could come up with a good solution that would give us "peace."
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You didn't say, but do you and or your husband work outside the home? If not, have a "friend" come over and visit. Obviously the caregiver has to be on the same page. The first few times, stay home and act like the caregiver is an old friend. Introduce him/her to Dad and the two of you fix lunch or dinner together. Tell Dad that you're so glad that the friend is available to come over and visit. Gradually have the friend just visit Dad while the two of you get out to do things. That sounds like a lot of deceit, but sometimes elders can't come off of their stubborn ways and this is just easier than having to move him out into assisted living. This should work until you can get your home sold.
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I know a realtor who is very good at "staging" a home for sale. She recommends you move out, clean the carpets, paint the walls and leave minimal furniture. Bedrooms are empty but a small couch in the living room. Kitchen is empty but dining room has a small table and 2 chairs. Maybe a picture on one wall, but nothing personal. She can sell a house in a week.
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In order to sell a home it has to be very presentable. I am not sure how you do that with an 84yr old shut in. What does "chip in " on the bills mean? Does he pay rent? What is his financial situation?

You and your husband(especially since it is his dad) need to discuss your plans with him. But if you're serious about selling your home(even as is) it needs to be presentable and inviting to possible buyers.
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Maybe he just doesn't like the help that is coming to help him. I had the same problem with my husband. When he first came home from the hospital, the V.A. set us up with our county health dept He didn't like them (the nurse and a home health aid (to help him with a bath). So the V.A. is paying another company to come in and help him, so I can get out and get a break, even if it's just going to the post office or the bank. Hope this helps. fairygal.
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When you offer him the choice, tell him either one is a trial 'for a month'. He still has to permanently choose one or the other, so if he rejects the first choice and after a month wants a change, he still only has the other choice....BUT...it gives him more of a say. We did this with my Dad who had dementia and Mom could not handle him 24/7 at home anymore. Another argument you can make, that our eldercare attorney told us, with my Dad, is that if you do not have a plan for help in the home, and something happens when you are not there, someone can call adult protective services and if they think the person is not in a safe situation, THEY take control and he and the family no longer have control of where he goes or when. With my Dad, he then agreed to try someone coming to the home a few hours a day several days per week. By the time the 'month' was up, he liked her so much and his dementia had clouded his sense of time, that he never remembered it was to be temporary. My Dad had been in an angry mode part of his dementia and was constantly arguing and fighting with my Mom, so police HAD been called for welfare checks several times. I say if you are choosing the home with help route first, then you two plan to go away, and explain there has to be a plan for someone to help him, in case anything happens....because of the APS potential to get involved....and then just continue the schedule of a helper. You can always have things you must do or want to do that take you away, so 'the helper is coming today' because we cannot be here. If he were to choose AL, the same thing, it can be a trial for a month. Most AL would do that or call it 'respite care'. By the end of a trial, my guess is he won't mind the new routine or won't remember that it was to be reconsidered in a month.
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My mom didn't live with me, but she too refused outside help. She only wanted me to be there everyday and night. I had to give up my family last summer and practically move in with her. After a couple of months I HAD to get help. She hated every minute of it.--to me that is. From the Help's view on this my mom was pleasant to her. After three months though, my mom told her she couldn't afford her anymore and she would have to go. The help called me and I told her she needed to stay, but my mom was making it very difficult on her and gettting mad at me for paying her. We told my mom that the insurance was paying for it--lie, beg and steal is what we do to saitsfy them. She tolerated it for a couple more months and the lady came in one day a quit. Well, my mom, as she is, cried and said the lady came in and quit on her and how that hurt my mom--remember she is the one that told the help she would need to go. Any who--my mom was alone again and trying her dangest at her manipulation to get me back, I told her I could not come back--ask anyone on here, I had a hard time with that. I finally was able to break free from going and calling and letting her be lonely. AFter a couple of months of lonliness, she agreed to move in to AL. She is still miserable, but I am free knowing she is safe.

I suggest to get him in AL when you are able and let him be cranky and unappreciative there and not in your home. You and your husband deserve time to yourself. Someone told me once that we only owe our parents respect and I have learned that is so true. Respect him in another place. Good luck and best wishes.
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As I heard as a kid, "My house, my rules." So your house, your rules.
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I agree with those who say to offer a choice. Outside help coming in or moving to assisted living. You have given more than enough. Don't sacrifice your marriage, too.
Carol
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Explain your feelings to him. Ask him if he was in your shoes, would he want the situation to languish like it has been? Let him know that either outside help becomes part of the care routine, or he'll need to go to assisted living -- that you simply cannot care for him entirely at this point.
We got nurses aids to come in and help my dad (who had lived with us for 7 years at that point), and since they came three days per week, it gave me (who worked from home) some ability to get out and do errands, etc. -- and eased my anxiety about having to stay home with dad all the time. Don't be mean to him, or treat him in any way that you yourself wouldn't want to be treated. He's still your dad, and you owe him respect and dignified treatment. People at his stage -- my dad included -- are not really themselves anymore. Dementia and other maladies change their typical personality and logical ways of dealing with people. Be patient, loving and respectful of him.
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Assuming your husband feels the same, you outnumber FIL two to one. Sell the house. Help him find somewhere else to live. You never know, you might find he's a changed man and much happier for it; but even if he isn't he can be just as curmudgeonly in IL/AL as he is in your home, if that's how he likes it.
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Are you and your husband on the same page on this?
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You don't owe him any more then you've already given him. Our grandfather lived with us for 16 years and would go off on drinking binges every time his SS check came in. My parents finally asked him to help kick in on bills and he fought them, then finally gave in but said not to expect him to do anything around the house to help out. And he never did.

Finally, after we kids had all grown and moved away, Mom and Dad decided enough was enough. They sold the house and after the police got him out of the house, mom and dad did help him move into an apartment within walking distance to a grocery store (he didn't drive anymore) and a hospital so he could check himself in if he had any problems (he had COPD).

He fought them through the whole thing, but finally settled in and ended up liking it in the end. He live 5 more years there, then checked himself into the hospital one night and died of emphysema.
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You can't change anyone's behavior...except your own.
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Either he moves to Assisted Living, or you two do. Your pick.
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