What to do when father-in-law says inappropriate things?

Bizarre, out of character behavior can be a sign of dementia.

What he said to his stepdaughter is not something he would normally say? He was never lascivious and inappropriate before this comment?

How's his health? Has he been tested for dementia or Alzheimer's? If not, it might be a good time to do that.

If a man who was always very proper and respectful says something completely out of line to someone I would see that as a warning sign. Keep an eye on him, see if anything like this happens again. If it does, get him to the Dr. right away if not now.

I had a patient who was always very respectful and appropriate who began to show signs of forgetfulness which was totally out of his character even though he was 90. Within a couple of months his confusion grew worse and he was diagnosed with a brain tumor. He died soon after. I reported it to my superiors, noted it in the chart, and suggested to the wife he see a Dr. but she was in denial and refused to support that idea. It was only when his behavior became so polar opposite of who he was did they seek medical attention and then it was too late.

I'm not trying to scare you, just sharing an experience. But when someone's personality changes so abruptly there's usually a reason.

Early dementia doesn't look that much like dementia. He might have had a stroke. That can cause strange behavior.

My dad has angry, nasty dementia. He has been in a fabulous nursing home for the last two years. He no longer walks, has to be fed etc....but about a year ago, when he was still somewhat mobile, he made very inappropriate comments to one of the nurses. He has done this again, a few months ago. I was told by the psych doctor that with dementia patients, their inhibition is something completely lost, they do not have a sense of right or wrong. So they have to tell him, "that was inappropriate and you may not speak to people that way." When I told him a day or two later what he had said, he had no idea he said it and was horrified. So I do think this stepfather should be tested for dementia (there are so many different levels of it), and also, a few of you should sit him down shortly after making one of these comments and politely say to his face that he may not talk to you that way; it is totally inappropriate. He may not even remember doing it. :)

xo
-SS

I knew a man who started saying inappropriate things to me after my hubby and I split up. The man became grandiose in his talk, then it would degrade to him saying sexual things to me and trying to make dates. This man had been the husband of a friend of mine who had died, so it was an uncomfortable circumstance. I thought he was just terribly lonely and maybe becoming mentally ill. It turned out that he had a rapidly evolving dementia and died a couple of months ago. I don't know what type of dementia it was, but it changed his personality completely. He went from being near normal (though obnoxious) to a NH in three years. dillarsl, I would let your FIL's doctor know what is going on with him.

Wow, all those women?? Tell him that he DA MAN! Just kidding!

What everyone else said. It sounds like dementia.

Dillars, your father-in-law needs to be seen by a doctor. Or since men react differently when they have a UTI than women, he could be having that. But it does sound like he's showing signs of Alz/dementia to me, but it could be like someone else suggested, he's had a small stroke. I had the nurse at my mother-in-law's asst. living tell me once, that one of the results of dementia is what she calls, the 'no no' area of the brain. The part of the brain that tells you 'No, I can't say that' or 'No, that's not right' starts to degrade and a person says inappropriate things that they would NEVER have said before Alzheimer's. Either way, he needs to be seen by his doctor.

I have to agree with everyone here: dementia symptoms can come out of seemingly nowhere and be a big shock to family members. That was how it worked with my parents. Take him to his internist -- or maybe do what we did: knowing that mom would be extremely resistant to seeing her MD we made an appt without her and discussed the issue.

Make sure no infections. Infections other than UTI's can also cause a sort of temporary dementia -- or temporary greatly increasing dementia.

Oh, it is time for a complete work up and CT scan of the head with a Neurologist who specializes in dementia. In the meantime tell him NO, like you would to a child, because he is reverting to that mentality.

I'm worried that my husband is going to come out with something embarrassing in public. Up until now he has confined his comments to home. No one so far has addressed what to DO when this happens. Should I tell him to be quiet, walk away, pretend I didn't hear, or what? He has alzheimers.

Garza5, what about something (esp. in company) say something like, "Oh Sweetie, you know that's just the Alzheimer's talking." This alerts everyone to what is going on in a manner that makes everyone feel more comfortable. If it's the SAME people you don't have to say it every time, if it happens often.

Tell him NO. Gently but firmly correct all misbehavior as you would with a small child. You may have to repeat yourself. If he is approaching strangers with sexual offers, then it is time for a secure facility or he will end up in jail.

Jenny, that might work. It's worth a try. It hasn't happened yet but I live in terror that things he says at home might come out in public. Thanks.

PST: Thank heavens his remarks stay at home. He has never approached anyone and I'm not worried yet about that. It's more in line with, in Spanish, are we going to &*%$ tonight? In his right mind he would never say something like this, even to me.

Garza, you can always tell people " Sorry, his spanish isn't very good." LOL

LOL. or not. "You're not getting lucky tonight if you use that language!" Whenever possible, try to laugh. Sorry you're going through this.

Sorry but these behaviors are typical of someone going into dementia. Have him tested with an MRI, EEG, and CT.

Garza5, this is a variation on what JennyM suggested. I know caregivers who carry business-card size messages that say, "Thank you for your patience. My father has dementia." Most people are extremely understanding when they know this.

My daughter and I took my husband on one last cruise late in his dementia. We both carried the printed cards. I think we only handed out one. The staff were notified when we booked the cruise so it was only other passengers and shop keepers, etc. at ports of call who might need to be told. My husband had a very pleasant demeanor and he was generally a pleasure to have around. But with the inhibitions lowered so much by the dementia inappropriate talk or behavior was always a possibility.

Jeanne, thank you. This is a very good idea. But what do I say when my husband asks me what's on the card, since I don't carry business cards around? A visiting nurse was here today and he said something very inappropriate (very bad language). An RN should understand, but I dread this in a clinic with a lot of patients around.

Garza5, I'm sorry. This is so embarrassing for you.

On the other hand, this is 2013. People drop the F bomb way too often, so everyone has heard it. When I was a wee lass, no one even said Hell! This might turn out to be one of the things you can't control, so when it happens, say "Dad! Cut it out!" then smile and shrug your shoulders and look apologetic. You will feel humiliated. Most of the onlookers will be startled but secretly amused.

As an experiment, at home, ask him if he thinks you should say "$#@^" and see what he responds. Ask him if he thinks HE should say that. I think you will learn that the real him is still there, but this language comes from a part ruled by the disease. Sorry you have to deal with this.

Sorry, husband, not father.

My mother has always been very polite and appropriate, she started dropping the fbomb in public, (she was diagnosed with frontal lobe dementia) It is so funny to me now how she will cuss like a sailor and afterwards say excuse me.. LOL she is still polite. What the heck?

garza5, what do you say when your husband asks what's on the card? Does your husband not know that he has dementia? In our case my husband knew that we were fighting this disease together. That made life a lot easier. I didn't have to pretend that everything was normal. My husband had Lewy Body Dementia and we personified it as Lewy. I could say, "I'm sorry you are having a bad day. Maybe Lewy will be easier to live with tomorrow."

Naturally you are embarrassed. But this is not your behavior and not your fault. I think you only need to worry about other people's reactions when they might be hurt or particularly annoyed by his behavior. By somehow indicating what the real problem is (dementia) you may be able to ease their discomfort. But as far as strangers being judgmental goes, so what? You don't owe everyone in the world an education.

Caregivers of persons with dementia sometimes have to have a thick skin.