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Hey everyone, just joined. First some background. Me and my fiancé (both 20) have been together for 3 years and have a beautiful 2 year old stroke survivor daughter. At the moment we live with her dad. I recently lost my job over attendance for having to take my daughter to the hospital and shortly thereafter wrecked my car.

To start, I get it; father in laws typically don't like son in laws. But it's getting a little out of hand. At one point we had lived in our own place but lost everything when my daughter had the stroke forcing us to move in with him. He's 50ish years old, divorced and doesn't work, lays in his recliner or in his room and either complains or literally sobs throughout the day and gets as much government assistance as possible. He's prescribed to pain killers but often lies to doctors to get more than he needs. To make things worse he won't get help even though we've tried making him many times. His 83 year old mother gets his mail, groceries, medicine and often financially assists him although she's in way worse shape than he is. Now, I've sat back and watched quietly and have seen him climb ladders, climb over baby gates, drive, anything a normal person can do just fine; BUT when he notices people are watching he pretends any small task kills him. Even when we were in our own place we had to come over or leave work 3-4 times a week because he would call because he fell, or felt depressed. If we weren't here, we went to the hospital because he'd make a huge deal like he was dying; when really he was just trying to get more medicine. So it was almost pointless to me to live in our own place anyway since he needed so much help (which at the time I believed). If his mom isn't tending to him he makes my fiancé do it. For instance he once woke up at 3am, walked to the kitchen, back to his room, then came and woke my fiancé up because he needed a blanket and a Sprite; both of which were on his way to and from the kitchen.

On top of this, he constantly downs my fiancé and I about everything. The fact I don't have a job, I don't have a car (although my fiancé does, which I bought her so we share) and criticizes our parenting. He's started verbal conflicts with both of us and at one point told my fiancé she just needed to leave me and draw child support. Me and my fiancé are very happy together, we love each other and we love being parents and I'm doing my best to get back to work while working around her work schedule and my daughters daycare. But all he seems to do is try to get her to leave me which kind of hurts because it was mostly my idea to help take care of him.

As I said, I love my fiancé and I love being a dad; but I don't know what to do or where to turn. Living with my parents is not an option because their house is not suited for a 2 year old and my 2 younger brothers (14 and 15) live there. I don't want to leave my fiancé at all but it's starting to seem like he only way out.

A little off topic but possibly the root of his dislike. Our families are polar opposite; my family is well but not rich, about as conservative as it gets, independent and we have a very strong relationship. Her family is very wealthy but distant from each other. Her dad lives entirely off government assistance and his attitude has caused my sister in law and her husband to stop coming around and my brother in law and his family to completely stop contacting him. Again I just don't know what else to do. Help?

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Hi - some good answers here, and michaelc good luck with the new job! I didn't see anyone query this, if you need cooperative living for a while how about the grandmother? Altho she enables her son too, maybe she is someone who could really use help around the house and someone to make sure she's okay! I've never heard of a baby having a stroke, I'm so sorry that happened and hope she's going to be okay? You're coming of age now, stay strong and driven, and also I second th recommendation to fit in Alanon meetings when you can. Best wishes!
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sorry, I meant to say "if across town is not far enough, move to another city close by."
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Michael, you have some good advice here and I hope you take it quickly. Your FIL is using you and your fiancée to wait on him hand and foot while he sits in his chair and barks orders. His waking her up to get him a sprite and blanket did it for me. If I were you, I would talk to an apartment manager and explain the situation on why you need an apartment. Find one across town from this FIL too. Sometimes, you'll run across someone who will help you but may have to ask for a first month, last month and deposit to get you approved. Whatever it takes, get approval. Even if you have to ask her family for help or your family to help. Move now, get started on the job and get your daughter started in her daycare. Let the FIL fend for himself. From your description, he'll make out just fine. He's learned to use the system and will no doubt find someone else to "help" him get stuff. Tell him to hire someone to clean, cook and fetch his sprites or do it himself. He's not too ill to do it, he's just too lazy to do it so stop worrying about him. Tell your fiancée that you've had enough from someone who is cruel, insensitive and offensive and you three need your own space from now on or your relationship will fail. Once you are in your new apartment, working at your new job and your daughter is in a good daycare, your fiancée will see that you have made the right decision for all of you. Go see the FIL once a month at first until you see a change in attitude and maybe you can visit more often but not until he realizes what he's doing to you. It's unhealthy to be so dependent on a parent's attention that she will do anything to be noticed and given attention. You need to get her away from him. If across town is far enough, move to another city close by. Good luck with your move and new job.
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OK. It is time to tell the truth and shame the devil. First of the language. FIL is not FIL because you are not married. Does FIL has substance abuse issues but so do you and girlfriend which I suspect lead to the baby's health issue. You might be locked up for a traffic accident let us see that is not normal unless you were DUI suspended licenses or no insurance. HMMMM... You don't mention baby's needs or girlfriend's. You got to leave what about baby and mother. You are concerned for you. I don't care if he likes me or not. Dude straight up addict behavior. No healthy person would put their child or self or mother of their child in this compromised and sick environment unless they were addicts too. Bet you and girlfriend are popping pills as well. And the math girlfriend is 17 now and baby is 2 which means girlfriend was either almost 15 or just turned 15 when you got her pregnant. That is straight up a felony. You are a predator. You got achild pregnant. Stop looking for an excuse to run and put the responsibility on someone else. You created this problem. You are never going to marry girlfriend because you would have already done so. Reasons why you will not marry you. Your well to do family will completely disown you because they think the girlfriend is after their money a gold digger, they have distanced themselves from you because of your addiction and how many rehabs have you been in. Family is practicing Tough Love. Family will take you back when you get your life together but they never will take you back with girlfriend and baby. Wonder if daughter and girlfriend are aware of this little fact. Agency benefits are for mother and child not available if she is married. Kicked out of apartment. Must have been an assistance from a welfare agency and either there were drugs involved or you were living there. Welfare doesn't support baby daddy. At 17 and 20 you guys do not have the skills or education to be able to support yourselves or eat. But you have a car. You and girlfriend were living large and beyond responsible boundaries and created a huge mess that will last a lifetime. Sad thing is the baby will pay the highest price the mother will pay a high price. You will walk away blaming everybody else and find a new victim. All three of you need rehab and the commitment to live a life in recovery. Father has problems which he needs to fix. Girlfriend is in a world of hurt and dude this is on you. You are a mooch living off of girlfriend and family and you are soooo working on your exit plan. Please get help. This is a site for aging problems and there are many and heartbreaking. You stumbled on to this site and are asking people to co sign your bs. Dude this is on YOU. Even the language you used is geared to this audience FIL fiance. Stop manipulating. If you have enough time and skill to navigate the web to get a posse you have time and skill to work. Get off of this site. My prayers for baby mother and grandfather. My prayer for you get sober grow up and I hope others will recognize you for what you really are. Find a 12 step meeting for you. And yeah, what drugs did you give the only innocent victim before she was born. You care about you and that is all.
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Michael...if you want a "nice" answer....stop reading. I am the old lady of 81 and I am tired of your FIL being an tyrant. I am also tired of you not working with your "fiance" who should be your wife, to get out of there. I do not care about FIL. Mine was a tyrant who scared the entire family. He didn't work...why are you doing all his work, he didn't do anything but complain that he was sick. I agree. He was sick...in the head. Why is your wife getting up at 6:30am to take your daughter to preschool. What are YOU doing? Sleeping, I assume. You and your family are in a toxic area...would you leave them in an area that could damage them? My husband and I had 4 children and were 23. Not planned that way, as they were all under 3 1/2...twins. But since we made them...they were OUR responsibility. The offer to live with the tyrant was made and turned down. My husband brought home $132 twice a month...rent was $125. Do the math. So he went out and got some more jobs. At one time, he was working 4 jobs. There are 24 hours a day and I do not know how he did it, but he did. He took part time jobs and anything that paid money. We could not afford to run the furnace as we couldn't pay the gas bill, so we put on more clothes and burned wood in the fireplace. The wood came from construction sites that we asked the foreman if we could clean up as long as we took the short pieces. The entire family went and cleaned it up. He loved to see us coming. I gleaned fields and orchards...look up "gleaned" in your dictionary or the Bible. All of my family was taught to work for what you need...treasure what you have worked for and most importantly...obey the law of our land. The FIL has you right where he wants you...free care and a little sobbing and he gets his way. Let him get his butt out and mow the grass. If he gets hungry enough, he will shop for food. You are being "used" by this man. Sorry, Michael, but I would respect you more if you told me that you grew a backbone with NO excuses....car problems, etc. You can walk or take public transportation. You made this baby. You made these choices and YOU are responsible. I will pray for you and your family and I do not use the word "pray" lightly. I say it and do it. When I post this, I will immediately pray for you. This site is the most helpful place I have ever seen. Listen to these people who are telling you to take your family and RUN!!! Love you and hugs to all. Nancy
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Saying " I honestly don't care if he likes me or not; I just want him to leave me alone." does not come across as a sincere desire to make efforts on easing tensions. I'm sorry but I can't get over the fact that you are living in his house and don't like the way he acts in it. When all the smoke and mirrors are cleared the bottom line is you are his daughters boyfriend who he is allowing to live in his home. Like I said...I don't know either of you and am not looking to judge but if you can't find a way to live together than you need to leave. If your presence is adding to the problem than go live with your parents until you get the "unknown reason for denial" thing worked out for that apartment. There comes a time when children need to recognize the sense of entitlement is over and take responsibility for their own lives. I sense a lot of emotional pain in your FIL life which I am sure is the root of the anger. I apologize if I seem too cross and perhaps some of this has hit a nerve with my own adult daughter issues. I feel the need to cut this FIL a little slack and see a guy that worked for years and raised a child you'd agree has many good qualities. He got injured at work which is supported by his insurance and doctors although you don't believe. Now maybe caught into that trap of using the pills for both pain relief and a way to escape the reality of where his life is now. Entering the final chapter without a spouse who cheated and left and his daughters life being different than he dreamed.
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FIL is an addict. When the "doctor shopping" dries up and/or pharmacy databases reveal his pattern, he will buy his opiates illegally. Street price is much higher than his Rx co-pay. The man who can't do anything for himself will miraculously find the energy to pawn your TV or your laptop or your daughter's crib while you're at work. Stay focused on your fiance and daughter, be wise with your money and get out as soon as it's feasible. And be patient yet firm when your fiance wants to keep catering to him. Yes, this will happen. "Everyone can stand their own," as they say. She knows intellectually that she needs to set boundaries and move on. But actually doing that is the hardest thing in the world for those of us who grew up in a twisted family. Your fiance was groomed to be her family's pawn long before you came along. This type of emotional crippling makes it unnaturally difficult for the pawn to consistently do what she knows is right for herself -- and for the family she chose. You have a lot on your plate, but it is crucial that you and she seek family counseling. I assume you have county or state services for your daughter? (If not, surely something is available to you. Start researching.) A case manager for your daughter's issues can connect you with low-cost/no-cost therapy for stressed families. Your daycare might also be a resource. If they have low-income clients, the director will know if there are subsidized family support programs for you. Breaking free of the tyrant FIL will be the end of one set of problems, but it will also launch new challenges and conflicts. If you and fiance plan for this and meet it head-on, you can move on as a team. But you need to LEARN how to be a team. It will not come naturally, no matter how much you love each other. Best of luck to you.
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Perseverance64: we do all of his chores except laundry. Vacuum, mop, dishes, cut the grass, clean bathrooms, and get his mail, groceries and medicine from the pharmacy. As far as talking to him man-to-man; I've tried (as calm as can be mind you) and he basically starts in to screaming and cursing, when you try to respond it's followed by him stomping off to his room mid conversation and sobbing loudly until my fiancé asks what's wrong and he then complains to her. As much as I'd like to talk it out I just don't see it happening.
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I really appreciate the feedback guys. Dejavuagain haha; I figured but that's why I asked here because I needed some words of wisdom. I have a job now (as I said, I have been looking) although this wreck will probably suspend my license (long story). Anyways, he does have a substance abuse problem with painkillers and he is out of work because he got "hurt" working at Toyota. What I've gathered is; he worked at Toyota and got hurt, him and his wife didn't get along so she cheated on him and he basically gave up. He could have gone back to work but it was easier to use his pain to get out of it. Now I can completely understand where everyone is coming from about dating his daughter being why he doesn't like me. I honestly don't care if he likes me or not; I just want him to leave me alone. But my girlfriend also works and she's a lot smaller and has issues of her own and his constant badgering of her is kind of what's bugging me. She wakes up at 6am, takes our daughter to daycare, works until 3:30pm and picks our daughter up (just started recently when I wrecked my car; before she dropped her off, I picked her up), so the last thing she should have to worry about on top of our stresses is when she's going to get tore into by her dad next. As far as you guys, you all are great and I'm really surprised by how much feedback I've gotten. I just want to let everyone know I appreciate you all taking time out of your days to respond! Like I said I am getting back to work in a few days and in a field I'm very passionate about so hopefully this will work itself out.
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ramiller, NPD stands for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
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Hey dead what is NPD
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It's great that you have reached out and actually asked the advice of (gasp!) a bunch of oldsters! There is probably not a single one here who has not looked back and said to her/himself, "If I had only known...." or "What was I thinking?!"

Please heed the advice and, for the sake of your little family as well as your own sanity, extract yourself from a no-win situation. Believe me, keeping a relationship intact through years of financial, emotional and physical highs and lows is no easy task even without the burden of a demanding and emotionally abusive in-law. If you love your fiancee & child, you will not entertain the idea of moving out on them as any solution to this difficulty, so stop that wrongful thinking right now!

Moreover, you are doing Daddy Dearest no favors by enabling his crazy-like-a-fox behavior. He may never grow up, but that is not your problem. Take a cue from your fiancee's mother and siblings and say Adios to him until he demonstrates that he can behave like a rational and caring human being. You owe it to the most innocent of victims, your daughter

This Grandma says: Marry your sweetheart, focus on your beautiful family, get help from church and community resources to mend the emotional damage that has already been done and to find a home and a job as well as support services for your daughter. Take this experience as a maturing and strengthening one, and get on with your life!

P.S. I have experience with nutrition and natural remedies. If you would like some suggestions on nutritional support for your little girl's health issues, please leave me a message. I don't claim a medical degree, just decades of treating myself and my family.
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I'm probably "old school" thinking here and will probably come out as being pretty insensitive but maybe you need to try and see it a little from the FIL perspective....
1) You got his daughter pregnant at 17 and still are not married.
2) You are now living in his house with no job or car making him the primary supporter of "your" family.
3) You don't mention anything about what contributions you make to HIS household (chores, errands, shopping, bills etc) so I'm not sure if there are any.
4) You write "We've tried getting an apartment but for whatever reason can never get approved". I'm sorry but this statement in itself seems to lack some facts. I highly doubt these people would not be willing to share the reasons for your denial. I mean....don't they want you to meet their requirements so they can have receive rent on an empty apartment??
I don't know the FIL story any more than yours but in the interest of helping I would simply suggest you try to look out his window if you have a sincere desire to resolving any conflict. Have you ever even looked for a good opportunity to have a man-to-man talk that allows an honest and open conversation?
I would suggest you start the dialog with how much you really appreciate him taking you in and everything he has done before pointing out what you don't like. Be prepared to accept he does not owe you anything in return and you may be surprised at where that takes you.
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FIL has a substance abuse problem. He is doing a nasty little thing called taking hostages. Get you and your fiance to a Aalon mtg and get help through support groups for loved ones dealing with addiction. Contact your community mental health for help with resources and dfcs. But abive all get away and stay away from FIL. Stop enabling him. If he can get his drugs he can get a life and do for himself. He is his own problem. Your and your fiance's obligations are your child. Your relationship. YOUR life. Get busy living it. Sorry about your child. Will keep all of you in my prayers. And yes there is some NPD going on. Walk to the door. Open it walk through it. Close it. And leave it all in the past. I was married to a NPD. It literally took my life. Two years later...happy wonderful health great friends have a home of my own. When I left I had no money nothing just the clothes on my back and the gift of life. Take the journey. Peace be with you.
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You go Nancy 50131! Great feedback. I love that spirit.
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Ok, Michael. You have created a child and a fiance. First you have it backwards and perhaps your problems started there. Spend some time writing...writing that for which you are grateful. I married into a family run by a "tyrant" 63 years ago. Also not a worker and "sick" all the time. As an 18 year old, I took on that man...so to speak. I saw everyone was afraid of him. I wasn't. My husband was shocked as no one ever stood up to him. I did. From that day on, we ran our own lives. I continued to see them and love them, but NO...he was not going to dictate my life. My husband at one time had four jobs...one full time and 3 part time. He supported us and we had two children who were sickly, but we did it. He took any job he could find that would pay money. He worked his days off and 18 hours a day on his vacation. We ignored "their" problems and took care of ours. Now...take any job that will pay you some money, even if it is below minimum wage. Do not jump and run for a man who is obviously a parasite who will NOT take care of himself even though he is able. No one forced your fiance to get him a blanket and some Sprite. The word here is "NO" ...get it yourself. I have raised self sufficient daughters who take care if THEIR family first. My husband just died this week and he was unsure how to handle his father, but after I told the tyrant that he couldn't treat me as he treated the others, my husband grew an amazing back bone. Sorry to be so tough on you, but we were Depression kids...do it yourself or you don't get anything. We lived a great life together and never had public assistance, thanks to a dedicated husband and a strong woman. Good luck. Tell the old man you are leaving but if you stay, he is "on his own".
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I'm interested by what you consider to be the root of your FIL-to-be's dislike. You don't think it might have anything to do with his seventeen year old daughter getting pregnant out of wedlock, then?

But never mind that: top marks to you for being still there. Could you say a little more about your fiancée's take on all this, please?
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Michael, you are in a tough spot, and you're going to have to put on your "big boy pants" to deal wuith it. That means, grit your teeth and be prepared to dole out some "tough love" to your future FIL. As it stands, leaving work to answer his demands for help is JUST AS ENABLING as buying an alcoholic bottles of whiskey. STOP IT. Don't do it anymore! Tell him (and your fiancee) that you can NOT afford to leave work and/or lose another job, and that your first and only priority is taking care of her and your daughter.

I would also ask your fiancee (since she is a relative and you have no legal standing until and unless you are amariied) to immediately notify all of his doctors in writing that he is abusing his medications. This is one simple letter that you can simply change the addressee's name and address, and then mail certified or priority with tracking - and keep records of the doctors' receipt.

But basically, what yu're doing now isn't working, and isn't going to. Remember this definition of crazy? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Not gonna happen. The change has to come from YOU, and your fiancee.

Addicts (and he clearly is one) are by defiition narcissists. It is all about them all the time. He is not going to change.
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No you don't have to leave work or home to constantly check on him. Tell him to call 911. If he is so dependent that he needs someone to get him a blanket and a Sprite, then he needs a nursing home. Tell him that and wait for his reaction. Let him know you are no longer waiting on him hand and foot. He is calling your bluff time and time again and you two are falling for it. STOP it right now. No "Yes, but" is allowed. Maggie already told you that. I've said it before and I'll say it again. We can give you the best advice in the world, but if you don't take it, what's the use? You can do this.
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First of all, one person cannot change another unless that person WANTS to be changed. Secondly, it sounds like your pretend father-in-law has clinical depression and perhaps has a mental illness, the reason for his disability. Not all people who "can do things" are capable of working in a work environment. The best you can do is improve your situation by going to school, getting a job, or moving out. The second best thing is to give your child your last name (as in marry this girl). You have absolutely NO say in her father's behaviors because you are not legally married to her. What does that say about you? Take responsibility for yourself, your daughter and leave others to do what they are going to do. You can only change YOU. Welcome to this website.
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Son, put our family FIRST! You say he is well off financially so let him hire someone to care for.him. Don't let him run over you. If he fails to like you just
Ignore him. YOUR FAMILY COMES FIRST,
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There are so many terrific answers here from this wonderful group. Your little family comes first. I know what it's like to have a child who constantly needs to be checked on and go to doctors, etc. and it is hard on jobs. Truly, I've been there.

I hope that your new employer offers some flexibility for that. As far as your FIL goes, he obviously has some problems, but some may be caused by too many meds or the wrong ones. In my state it's very hard to get on disability and you need many doctor's reports and a long history of illness to do so. It sounds like your state is one where things are different. Maybe your FIL has emotional or mental illnesses that make him act the way he does or maybe he is just not a nice person. Whatever it is, you and your girlfriend can't take responsibility for him. You've read it here before, but we can all only do so much.

I hope that your new job works out, you and your family can get an apartment, and get on with things. Tell you FIL that you can call social services to have them arrange for someone to provide help for him. If he's on disability he should be able to get such services.

You are not being selfish to want to take care of your daughter and stay with your daughter's mother.

You have a lot of tough things to handle. Please check back when you can. Meanwhile, we're with you in spirit.
Carol
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MichealC, I am so sorry to hear of your daughter's health issues and well done you for stepping up and really being there supporting your child and your partner.
I have to agree that for all your sakes you need to get out and make a safe home for the 3 of you. You then need to set boundaries (in writing) for your FIL and stick by them. Where do you live? This will make a difference as to what outside you can realistically look for.
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Sounds like FIL badly needs medical evaluation. Possibly he is depressed or has some other diagnosis for which medication could provide relief to him and those around him.
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When a relationship is toxic the only choice you should make is distance from them. We are expected and want to love and care for someone but we are NOT expected to tolerate someones bad behavior. Moving and coming by once a week is the best solution. I have cut ties with several family members because of the toxic behavior. Your daughter see this too.
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Michael, I first want to welcome you and think it wise and commendable that you reached out for help and advice. Most people your age don't want advice so I applaud you. That being said, you may get some tough advice here, but if you use it your life will get so much better. Your FIL to be is addicted to pain meds, I see the pattern in your story. Trying to get extra meds, just sitting in chair for hours no doubt enjoying the high from pain meds, using others to get what he wants, it all fits. His daughter and you are enabling him to remain this way. You both need to get out. You need to care for the family the two of you have created. From what you wrote it sounds like dad can manage on his own just doesnt want to. Go make a nice life for your family, stop feeding his illness, the two of you are a hugh part of his problem so that is the part of the problem you can control. I hope your girl friend can see that you both need to step back, focus on that baby and your own family. Keep in touch let us know how you are doing.
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Sorry -- autocorrect is killing me. Your 'wife to be' -- not "finance" Fiancee is what I meant ...
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Try looking for a job in another city. Get away from this guy. Get your finance out of his life -- its probably causing her as much or more stress than its causing you, its her father after all and she probably feels guilt about him, about you, about your child. You both need to get out, get away and leave him to his own devices. How is he getting government aid if he's "well off"? My mother is in actual financial distress and makes about $200 a year too much to get ANY aid. This guy is abusing the system, abusing you, abusing your finance, abusing his mother -- and his wife left. She had the best idea -- follow her lead and LEAVE.
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You don't say whether your fiancé agrees that you need to get out of this situation, and also to create some boundaries - as in, "we can help you this much, but we can't help you with that, or that, or that." If she does, then I think you just need to keep taking the right next step. Anything you can do, even small, that is a step toward improving your situation, is good. All progress is progress, and if you can focus on making a little bit of progress every day, it will eventually add up to something good. Maybe quicker than you expect. If you are happy together, don't break up a happy family! There's a way out and you'll get there. You will.
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He is not your or your fiancee ' s responsibility. Move out asap.
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