Hey everyone, just joined. First some background. Me and my fiancé (both 20) have been together for 3 years and have a beautiful 2 year old stroke survivor daughter. At the moment we live with her dad. I recently lost my job over attendance for having to take my daughter to the hospital and shortly thereafter wrecked my car.
To start, I get it; father in laws typically don't like son in laws. But it's getting a little out of hand. At one point we had lived in our own place but lost everything when my daughter had the stroke forcing us to move in with him. He's 50ish years old, divorced and doesn't work, lays in his recliner or in his room and either complains or literally sobs throughout the day and gets as much government assistance as possible. He's prescribed to pain killers but often lies to doctors to get more than he needs. To make things worse he won't get help even though we've tried making him many times. His 83 year old mother gets his mail, groceries, medicine and often financially assists him although she's in way worse shape than he is. Now, I've sat back and watched quietly and have seen him climb ladders, climb over baby gates, drive, anything a normal person can do just fine; BUT when he notices people are watching he pretends any small task kills him. Even when we were in our own place we had to come over or leave work 3-4 times a week because he would call because he fell, or felt depressed. If we weren't here, we went to the hospital because he'd make a huge deal like he was dying; when really he was just trying to get more medicine. So it was almost pointless to me to live in our own place anyway since he needed so much help (which at the time I believed). If his mom isn't tending to him he makes my fiancé do it. For instance he once woke up at 3am, walked to the kitchen, back to his room, then came and woke my fiancé up because he needed a blanket and a Sprite; both of which were on his way to and from the kitchen.
On top of this, he constantly downs my fiancé and I about everything. The fact I don't have a job, I don't have a car (although my fiancé does, which I bought her so we share) and criticizes our parenting. He's started verbal conflicts with both of us and at one point told my fiancé she just needed to leave me and draw child support. Me and my fiancé are very happy together, we love each other and we love being parents and I'm doing my best to get back to work while working around her work schedule and my daughters daycare. But all he seems to do is try to get her to leave me which kind of hurts because it was mostly my idea to help take care of him.
As I said, I love my fiancé and I love being a dad; but I don't know what to do or where to turn. Living with my parents is not an option because their house is not suited for a 2 year old and my 2 younger brothers (14 and 15) live there. I don't want to leave my fiancé at all but it's starting to seem like he only way out.
A little off topic but possibly the root of his dislike. Our families are polar opposite; my family is well but not rich, about as conservative as it gets, independent and we have a very strong relationship. Her family is very wealthy but distant from each other. Her dad lives entirely off government assistance and his attitude has caused my sister in law and her husband to stop coming around and my brother in law and his family to completely stop contacting him. Again I just don't know what else to do. Help?
You are very young to be handling something like this. Your heart is huge but you are lacking in some of the toughening experiences that the rest of us here have had. You need to employ some tough love right now.
You wrote: but I'm afraid the same thing will happen where I'm never home because we have to constantly leave work and home to check on him.
Everyone on this site will tell you the same thing: stop checking on him!!!!!!! He has you in a half-Nelson. He complains, you try to help, he criticizes you. He will NEVER STOP, NEVER BECOME POSITIVE OR GRATEFUL. He is a self-pitying, drug-addicted loser. It is done. It is what it is. The only way to handle people like that is to detach with love. Tell him that you and your fiancee will come by once a week to bring groceries or whatever. AND THAT IS IT. NO MORE.
You have a small child who needs you, your time, your best thinking. Focus on your child and your fiancee, and, of course, your new job. A PERSON YOUR AGE SHOULD NOT/CANNOT FOCUS ON MORE THAN THAT.
Get the job and get out. Good luck and stay in touch. Let us know how it is going.
I have to agree that for all your sakes you need to get out and make a safe home for the 3 of you. You then need to set boundaries (in writing) for your FIL and stick by them. Where do you live? This will make a difference as to what outside you can realistically look for.
I hope that your new employer offers some flexibility for that. As far as your FIL goes, he obviously has some problems, but some may be caused by too many meds or the wrong ones. In my state it's very hard to get on disability and you need many doctor's reports and a long history of illness to do so. It sounds like your state is one where things are different. Maybe your FIL has emotional or mental illnesses that make him act the way he does or maybe he is just not a nice person. Whatever it is, you and your girlfriend can't take responsibility for him. You've read it here before, but we can all only do so much.
I hope that your new job works out, you and your family can get an apartment, and get on with things. Tell you FIL that you can call social services to have them arrange for someone to provide help for him. If he's on disability he should be able to get such services.
You are not being selfish to want to take care of your daughter and stay with your daughter's mother.
You have a lot of tough things to handle. Please check back when you can. Meanwhile, we're with you in spirit.
Carol
Ignore him. YOUR FAMILY COMES FIRST,
I would also ask your fiancee (since she is a relative and you have no legal standing until and unless you are amariied) to immediately notify all of his doctors in writing that he is abusing his medications. This is one simple letter that you can simply change the addressee's name and address, and then mail certified or priority with tracking - and keep records of the doctors' receipt.
But basically, what yu're doing now isn't working, and isn't going to. Remember this definition of crazy? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. Not gonna happen. The change has to come from YOU, and your fiancee.
Addicts (and he clearly is one) are by defiition narcissists. It is all about them all the time. He is not going to change.
But never mind that: top marks to you for being still there. Could you say a little more about your fiancée's take on all this, please?
1) You got his daughter pregnant at 17 and still are not married.
2) You are now living in his house with no job or car making him the primary supporter of "your" family.
3) You don't mention anything about what contributions you make to HIS household (chores, errands, shopping, bills etc) so I'm not sure if there are any.
4) You write "We've tried getting an apartment but for whatever reason can never get approved". I'm sorry but this statement in itself seems to lack some facts. I highly doubt these people would not be willing to share the reasons for your denial. I mean....don't they want you to meet their requirements so they can have receive rent on an empty apartment??
I don't know the FIL story any more than yours but in the interest of helping I would simply suggest you try to look out his window if you have a sincere desire to resolving any conflict. Have you ever even looked for a good opportunity to have a man-to-man talk that allows an honest and open conversation?
I would suggest you start the dialog with how much you really appreciate him taking you in and everything he has done before pointing out what you don't like. Be prepared to accept he does not owe you anything in return and you may be surprised at where that takes you.
Please heed the advice and, for the sake of your little family as well as your own sanity, extract yourself from a no-win situation. Believe me, keeping a relationship intact through years of financial, emotional and physical highs and lows is no easy task even without the burden of a demanding and emotionally abusive in-law. If you love your fiancee & child, you will not entertain the idea of moving out on them as any solution to this difficulty, so stop that wrongful thinking right now!
Moreover, you are doing Daddy Dearest no favors by enabling his crazy-like-a-fox behavior. He may never grow up, but that is not your problem. Take a cue from your fiancee's mother and siblings and say Adios to him until he demonstrates that he can behave like a rational and caring human being. You owe it to the most innocent of victims, your daughter
This Grandma says: Marry your sweetheart, focus on your beautiful family, get help from church and community resources to mend the emotional damage that has already been done and to find a home and a job as well as support services for your daughter. Take this experience as a maturing and strengthening one, and get on with your life!
P.S. I have experience with nutrition and natural remedies. If you would like some suggestions on nutritional support for your little girl's health issues, please leave me a message. I don't claim a medical degree, just decades of treating myself and my family.