My father-in-law will be 90; he had hip replacement surgery so we are caring for him. He has become very bitter and angry to our siblings, what can we do for both my father-in-law and siblings?

What is the reason first of all, are they not visiting, or not visiting enough? I would start there.

Are they ignoring him and can he see that you are doing all the work?? Do they not call or come to see him? Wish my mom would see the light and yell at my worthless brother. Find out what the reasons are first and then take action.

Two of my brothers living a state away are the same way toward our mother. They do the (during the operation) (in the area visits) (finally, out of guilt), but my sister and my other brother, that is not well, are left with all the day to day visits and decisions. I honestly think if they do not have to face our mother and her problems every day, the way they deal with it is to not deal with it until they have to. I also think when the parent is difficult, as my mother is, it makes it harder on the whole family. Some have to cope, others will not or cannot. Some of it is past history with our mother or for whatever reasons. You cannot make someone or tell someone what to do, because they are going to have reasons why they are excused. I know this does not help you with your father's care. My suggestion is to hire someone to play games with him or read to him or just be his friend and send your sibblings the bill.

If they are being supportive and he is being verbally abusive and they have to be in the same house with him to care for him or he can not be left alone they may have to leave that room or area for a period of time like I mhad to do with my husband -I was so good to him and did everything for him for years and he could not be nice or respectful to me and he depended on me so much and I talked to him about it often and he just could not or would not be nice so I learned to leave the room and go off by myself or since he could be left alone for a period of time I would go someplace by myself and when he was in rehab often if he was nasty on the phone I would not go to visit for a few days-if you can give us more information about your siblings-do they live with you and your father or help with his care do you know why he is angery is he someone that could be reasoned with did he have a hard time caring for his parents is his wife in the picture could he attend a day care everyone here is great about giving support they have been a lifeline to me the last two plus years-my husband passed away about 3 months ago and I got such support then and am still involved with this great site and I was verbally abused and years ago physically by him and took a lot until I read DR. Phill's book where he said it is better to be alone then be with someone who is not treating you right-in so many words he said that and I decided I did not deserve to be treated badly it was a long processes to get strong but my husband learned his ways from his grandfather and mother they were both mean nasty people and I think he felt he had the right to treat others the same when he became an adult.

Sounds like he is lonly for people to talk too. While I am sure you take good care of him there is more socialization needed with people his own age. Maybe an adult day care or senior center would help. Make sure you do not say anything bad around him about your siblings either or he might pick up on that and resent them if you do.

My mother does the exact same thing, she says such mean things to you that you would rather withhold care from her. However I realize that when some people age they become mean and uncaring . I discovered that she enjoys when my grand-daughter comes to visit. It tends to soften up her mood.

how much inflience does my fathers DR. have over resuming driving.? 90 yr old w/hip rplcmnt, w/ open sores on heels.my d ad is a very neg. person with a lot of past issues and drives alot of family members away. and very arrogant.

Have you fathers doc tell him he has to take a drivers test or he cannot drive I thik in most stes once you hit 70 you are required to take the test again. Hope this helps

To all care givers,

The person ho is responsible for the parent most of the time is the one that deals with for lack of a better word CRAP.

We are thinking about us and think if we were in that situation we would be so grateful but the truth is Our parents are not us and never have been how may times for one reason or another did you rebel? Me quite often. Anyway, they are frightened to what is happening to their bodies, their minds and any diversion would be welcme I am sure. I am soon to be 61 in a few months and I don't like one bit the changes I see in me however I try not to get frustrated and tell myself age gracefully. hmm! Also the loss of their independance will make them angry I know it would me but I pray with the Grace of God I will handle it better and recognize when I say or do something I shouldn't good luck to you all. It is a challenge and sometimes not explaining things to them takes away their energy so it doesn't transfer to you and remember to do someting nice for YOU once a day. It helps believe me

Is he taking much prescription pain medication? Sometimes that can cause aggitation, depression, and other reactions. Also, the anethesia used in surgery can have longer effects on the elderly. My mother-in-law had numerous surgeries on her back. Each time it took more for her to regain her mental clarity and each time it was at a lesser level.