How do you deal with a wife (in my case) that resents having your mother in the home?

would like to make a very serious observation about this entire post. When we read posts that seem to include children, a wife, a husband, and an elderly mother, we take it seriously. Our concern is genuine because most of us have experiences something like or are going through it now.We know that people reach the end or their ropes and need to vent, but usually someone informs us that they are doing so. I always try to avoid taking sides unless someone is in danger. However, there are other posts where people truly need help. Venting is fine and important, but please tell us that you are venting. Actually, the only person that came out of this situation leaving a negative impression was Burnout.Most of us take this forum very seriously and need the help given by our friends. I hope Burnout's wife never sees this thread, because it would really hurt to read what he wrote. He might get what he threatened: An apartment with Mom minus the wife and kids.

I'm going to comment on this thread also. I think there were a lot of caring thoughts expressed. I felt mine were and I hoped they might be helpful. Still I have to agree with Burnout that some of them were taunting and a bit over the top. Some of his rants were a bit wild too. I know we all do our best and tough love has it's place, but maybe we can do better?

I agree with you. Many of us truly want to help, and his question seemed like a person at the end of his rope. Most people wrote very caring answers and spent time on this thread to try to help.

ha ha to the misandry, as it relates to myself at least! i'm about as far from that as you can get. because i hike, camp, fish, backpack and used to rock climb, i have more male friends in my life than female friends. i've been a Den Leader, an Assistant Scoutmaster, and a Camp Commissioner in Boy Scouts. i think men are great, i've been surrounded most of my life by some really wonderful men. been with my husband for twenty nine years, we have three sons, and one daughter who is a tomboy just like me. :D anyways. . .

no one suggested you kick your mom to the curb, we all know how important it is to take care of our parents. everyone here is doing that in some way, shape, or form. what i heard suggested was: counseling for your family, date nights for you and your wife. you said you were burnt out and suggestions were given. i'm sorry your sibling won't contribute. that really sucks.

btw, i think a day of fishing sounds great. i find a lot of peace on a river just casting out my line. icing on the cake is when you actually catch something. good luck.

Hmmmm. I find it interesting that instead of B-Out finding someone's comments a possible solution, since many of us gave various avenues for him to think about, he seemed to take more pleasure in lashing out at a few of us in a mean spirited way. The feeling I get is that he believes he has all the answers-and why he later stated he was venting.

I know my experience taking care of my mom taught me more about my self than anything else. Each case, each person, household, finances, in-laws, brother's and sister's etc. are all different and has a positive or negative impact depending on how we view it. That's what I learned. I learned most of all that I had to accept and not expect. If I continued to expect, I was let down, sad, angry and spent. If I accepted that my brother's and sister wouldn't involve themselves I didn't dwell on it. And guess what? Other doors began to open.

A gal across the street suggested watching her 2 days a week. My sister decided to drive down twice a month. My situation was different from B-Out's, it was just her and I. But now it's just me. I'm finally beginning to turn my head around and jump back into life. I felt as though I was in a cocoon. So B-Out - you are talking to people that have similar situations here - and some have less than you and find happiness.

Kathleen: I think you might be being a little hard on Burnout. He's dealing with some frustration, a lot of it. He's trying to do the best for him mom. She's not ready for a nursing home and they can't afford an assisted living facility. I'm sure there are many folks on this site that are constrained in their choices my money and conscience.

I know a few of you got singled out and that isn't pleasant, but I think his circumstances are difficult and he's doing the best he can. He got hit in every direction with diverse opinions, some of them very strong and he responded with anger and more frustration.

One thing I will say for Burnout, he had a gift for wit and language. So much so that I find it hard to believe his wife was the only one who said hurtful things. I think he takes things to heart. He feels such a sense of responsibility and he wants to be appreciated and supported. Negative comments hurt him and then he lashes out. My guess is that is a discussion in his therapy; "How can you express your hurt without ripping someone's face off." Just a guess on my part and Burnout is more than welcome to tell my I full of it. Quite possibly I am.

I for one will miss Burnout. That Jerry Springer comment kept me laughing all day long. There's not much in my life that will do that these days.

What is a "thread"? Doe, a deer, a female deer; ray, a drop of golden sun; me, a name I call myself; fa, a long long way to go........Now what is a thread?

Cattail- if I seemed hard it wasn't intentional. I do feel for his situation and believe he's got allot on his plate. We all took time out to tune into his concerns and tried to help.

burntout, you seriously need help

Yes , I agree. He needs help.

To expand a bit on Eddie's comments, I'm not sure it is easy for any adult woman to play 2nd fiddle in her home (wife, mother, sister or otherwise). It might not work for a man either - I can't speak to that.

I do know I resent the heck out of being treated like the hired help (with zero pay, mind you) and having my husband appropriated as my MIL's "surrogate". It's not in my nature to be confrontational, but I had to pitch a mild fit to get either one of them to understand that I really didn't think it appropriate to be relegated to the back seat of my own car! I'm not opposed to yielding that space to a guest as appropriate, but I really do not appreciate being demoted to also-ran in absolutely every communal aspect of home life. My gripe list is long, but this isn't the time...

To Burnout, I'm don't mean to say that your perspective on this situation is wrong at all. You wife may be coming from an unreasonable and selfish place - we can't know that. I do get the impression, though, that she is feeling slighted, unloved and overlooked, and I have some sympathy there. My suggestion would be to check out Gary Chapman's "The 5 Love Languages." It's not rocket science, but it might offer some insight and some tools to help you express care for her in a way she can recognize. It might also help you identify and ask for what you need from her in order for YOU to feel cared for and fed too. You guys may be working mightily to love each other - but not in the way your partner can "hear." In the face of EXHAUSTING elder care, it's so much more difficult to remember to put the first work on the marriage.

Good luck to you, friend.

I'm not sure why the end of my post was deleted above...it originally read, "yes, I agree. He needs help. FRom his unappreciative, nagging wife. "

AC is the site for caregivers a thread is a group discussion that relates to one aspect of care giveing -one part of the community activity anyone can start a thread by asking a question and other will respond with their ideas or experienced or sometimes just wiyh moral support -other times with anger or worse. The Grossed out-my mother is using my toothbrush.------- started out 2 yrs ago by a wearyworn lady who was trying to cope caring for her mother.

Oh, Ok, Austin, I thought that it was a needle pulling something.... Thanks for the explanation.

First of all you are not married to your mother, I would like to hear your wife's side. I saw this happen to my sister. There's a lot more than you are telling.

Wow, I am in the similar position with my husband and his Dad living with us, We moved him in gave him our room and now we live in the second living area. I never new him before this and am a little resentful that now I have to deal with it. His Dad has alzheimers and lashes out at me because I am the care giver. I fully understand were your wife is coming from, Its not her parent or her fault for how she feels. Was she a part of the decision to bring your mom in the home? Its hard to try and explain how or why she is feeling those things but it might be as simple as jealousy of now she has to share you and everything with your mom. I am having similar feelings for different reasons, Just sit with her alone with no mom and talk and don't react when she does tell you why or get defensive that will just make her shut down and get worse, Its not worth losing your wife over because really when mom is gone what do you have left, I would look into a home for her, My husband did tell me that if at any point I can't handle it then his dad will go into a home because he is not going to lose his wife and children.

Your wife and children should come before your mother, if your mother becomes a problem then it is time to put her somewhere. Make up with your wife and let her know she is first. Sounds like you love your mother more than your family. Sorry if I am wrong but that is how it sounds to me. Good Luck