How do you deal with a wife (in my case) that resents having your mother in the home?

Wow, Burnout, you need to give this some serious thought. Can I ask you how old is your mom and how long have you been married? How old are the kids? Are they just hers or some yours and some hers?

Let me tell you a little about my situation. My husband and I retired and then moved my parents up to live with us. Not under the same roof, but across the driveway, which meant we had to build a small home for them. My brother carried most of the cost for that, but my husband and I were out $40,00.00 on this transition.

My husband was never really happy about bringing my parents up. He had worked all his life, as did I, and for the first time we were in a place where we had some freedom. That ended when my parents moved up and it has been ok, but the effort and loss of freedom is beyond what most would sacrifice. Lately it's been even more difficult as my mom has passed but my dad now lives under our roof due to a stroke and needs 24/7 care.

In the years (7) they have been here, we have never been able to take a trip to visit our son and granddaughter without the expense of paying a sibling to come and stay while we were gone, that included air fare. More often than not, I would stay home and take care of things and my husband would go visit our son and Granddaughter. We've missed out on a lot over the past years because we can't share important times with our children at the same moment.

Since my dad has moved into our home, it has been more stressful. He needs 24/7 care and my husband, who is a very kind and loving person, told me recently that this kind of care is just not in his DNA. I love this man and I appreciate his honesty. It's just not what he wants to do, but he'll help me out for as long as I need him too. Still, it takes a toll on him and on me.

We had a talk this evening and he told me that he understands that I have more to work though in taking care of my parents than he did. I have more emotional baggage, so to speak, than he had with his. Also, his parents passed away from illness and not a lingering old age and he understands that those circumstances are different.

When my husband and I married, I had a young son from a previous marriage. My husband loves that child, now 43 years old, with a passion equal to any biological parent. Same with our Granddaughter. He is a wonderful person, but he just does not want to give his live to caring for my parents (dad) although he has supported me. Let me just say, that the support has not come without complaints.

There are days when I would love to get away from my husband and my dad. Both are not happy, my dad because he can't do what is use to and my husband because he is still waiting to have his retirement and spend time with me. If I absolutely had to give one of them up, it would be my dad.

Think about what you are wiling to forfeit and why. It's not a sin to not want to take on the care of a parent and your mom has been living in your house for 4 years. That's a long time. You don't have to agree 100% with your wife, but can you hold her in your arms and appreciate the loss she feels.

I don't know if this helps. I'm struggling too.

burntout, it is unfortunate that your wife feels that way; difficult for her and for you. You are trying to do the best you can. Are you able to communicate with your wife about how you feel? When you take on the responsibility of a parent, it does change your life quite a bit. My MIL lived with us and I was her primary care giver. It was an extremely stressful time for our family. And it is quite understandable to want to run away. You seem to love your wife - I know the complaining can get to you - but, just try to think of it as venting. I went through a lot with my MIL and there were so many days I felt I couldn't take it anymore and was really becoming depressed. These are tough times - I feel for you and wish I could be more encouraging.

I appreciate your responses. We have been married for almost 20 years. She has two daughters from a prior marriage. The are grown (30 and 25). Together we have two sons 13 and 12. My mother is 80. Thankfully, we have not had to sacrifice financially to care for Mom. Here social security plus a small pension she gets is more than enough (so far) to take care of her needs. Also, I am thankful that my Mom is not bedridden and I pray that day never comes because at that point it would be more than I could handle alone while still working (shift work) and parenting my sons.



Regarding my wife’s "venting". I don't know if I consider it venting. Venting is simply saying how you feel about a tough situation that you are going through. I totally underestimated how taking on Mom would affect our lives.

I knew it would not be easy but I figured we have been through worse over the years. It would be ok if she was just venting about how it sucks to have the best space in our home taken away or it sucks because…… (fill in the blank). But the remarks I am getting is “oh your taking your helpless mother food again. Boy she is lazy.” “Can’t she count out her own meds, take out her trash, clean her own room, etc” If she could do these things SHE WOULD STILL BE IN HERE HOME!!! I understand that she is jealous of the time I spend doing for Mom. Sooo, I try to spend time with her also and when I do is in despair about the things we don’t have or her appearance.
I guess I am weird, I don’t have to have everything I want to be content. I recognize the difference between the way I want things to be and the way they are. I play the hand I am dealt. I guess I will continue doing so until my kids are grown and my Mom is gone. If things aren't better at that point, I will start again (penniless probably) but free.

Burntout, have you tried counselling? Perhaps an objective third party -- a professional listener -- could help the two of you sort out your conflicts and figure out better ways to get along than just hanging on until Mom is gone.

My heart goes out to everyone in your household.

Has your wife always felt that way about possessions and her appearance? I'm just wondering if she might be dealing with change of life issues. Hormonal changes can make a person feel more irritable. Maybe she is worried that her best years are behind her. I'm not making excuses for her behavior. If you can get her to go to counseling with you that might be helpful. It also might be good for her to have a few sessions alone. I'm sorry that things are so difficult for you. Good luck and stay in touch.

quote: "But the remarks I am getting is “oh your taking your helpless mother food again. Boy she is lazy.” “Can’t she count out her own meds, take out her trash, clean her own room, etc” If she could do these things SHE WOULD STILL BE IN HERE HOME!!! I understand that she is jealous of the time I spend doing for Mom"

Your wife is extremely jealous, and this is the core of the problem (IMHO). You're doing a great job and accepting family responsibility that many Americans won't accept (Mom and Pop go to a nursing home--not ours!). My personal opinion is that this is how it should be. Kudos to you. Your wife needs a lesson in sharing, being adult, and growing up. Her remarks are chilling. Counseling would probably be a good idea.

Burnout, you have two kids 12 and 13 that still need an intact family. Get some counseling for you and your wife before you do anything rash. The kids are always the ones that suffer. Your wife has a lot of resentment towards your mother which is coming from somewhere. Gotta find out the 'why' and 'where' first and foremost.

I have been to counseling. Just me. She will not go. Nothing rash will be done. If I do anything it will be after my kids are grown. She is a good mother to them and I see no need to disrupt their lives. So for now, I will continue to do my best to care for Mom, manage the conflict with my wife, parent my sons, and maintain my health. I don't see my retirement on the horizon.

I totally relay to your dilemma. When I moved my dad from Europe here to live with us my wife was fine with it and even supportive. I had raised 3 out of her 4 kids as my own as well. Then came the economy crash and she lost her job. My industry collapsed as well but knowing that I could rely on her to care for dad I put longer and longer hours. One day, a fight took place about “money” and my dad’s care came into the equation. I felt betrayed by her lack of understanding and ungratefulness of not considering we were all in the same challenge and together we would make it work no matter what the problems were.
Needless to say, it did not work that way. She had been planning to leave way before the fight (I later find out) and it was all an excuse to not wanting to deal with my dad’s care at home. Thinking about it, I can’t really blame her. It was not her father and not her blood. However, neither were her 3 children my blood and I open my heart to them as my own, race them, protected them and guide them. They are now very good men and woman. When she left, she expected me to go after her and “work things out” but for me, the moment she step out the door is the day she die in my heart. I never went after her, nor will I never ever reconsider living with a person such as her no matter how good they may profess to be on the outside. .

Happy to be Divorced

Burnout: What was life like before your mom moved in?

burntout, has your wife always resented your mother? I guess that she has never had a good relationship with your mother and possibly with her own mother. Often it is the healthier person who ends up going for therapy outside of a dysfunctional system like yours. So, I encourage you to not give up on going to therapy for yourself. Sometimes such stories have a valid point coming from the spouse, but in this situation it sounds like it is your wife's monkey and not yours. Only she can change that if she wants to. You can't fix her or control her. All you can do is pick a healthier path for yourself regardless of what she does and does not do while you seek to be a respectful and helpful son to your mother and a responsible parent to your children. I wish you well.

Also, it is often true when someone goes to therapy and learns new skills and then puts them to use in a relationship things shift. You stop taking the "bate" so to speak and learn to address the comments in a way that is more in tune with your values. You learn to be who you are without having to have a negative response to those who might want to get one from you. There's an old therapy book called, "The Dance of Anger" and I don't remember the author off hand, but it gives great insight on how to break the cycle of negative repetition in a relationship. Might be worth a read.

All I can say right now is that I totally understand. My husband and my 90 yr mother do not like each other at ALL. I always thought that when my mom got very old I would move her into my house to care for her. This would cause a divorce, so I wear myself out trying to care for her at her house. She now has beginnings of alzheimers and I had to turn her stove off by the breakers. She is extremely dependent on me, as is my husband. And it is EXTREMELY exhausting trying to take care of everyone. I have been caring for my mother for the last 8 years, but now the alzheimers is really difficult. I just want you to know that I understand and I pray for you as I do for all caregivers. The best of blessings to you, your wife, and your mom.

Rehtaeh: I'm saying a prayer for you too. Sending love your way.

Before mom lived with us my wife never seemed to resent Mom. Its interesting that you mentioned my MIL. My wife is not close to her own mother either. In fact, her mother is not in the best of health. I encourage my wife to call her Mom and she doesn't seem to want to. I think I understand her reasons. I am not the biggest fan of my MIL but if it fell to us to care for her I would do my best. But then again I had a loving home growing up. My Grandmother lived with us and so for me it was not that unusuall to have a Grandparent in the home. Heck, I can remember clippng Grandma's toenails.as a 12 year old kid. She asked me to and I did. Although that was normal kinda stuff in my world, I guess it is a bit strange comming from others perspectives. I remember my Dad and I carrying water to a couple near us whose water was out. The man was bedridden. and his wife had no water. While we were there, my Dad gave the man a shave. I learned from my Dad that caring for others is not beneath us. I forget how foreign that is to a lot of other families.

Regarding my wife. I told her awhile back. "You have made the decision to be unhappy and nothing I can do will change that decision. The best I can do is to not allow you to bring me to your level of misery. " That seemed to have an impact, because there is really nothing I can do to change her choice. I am 48, I do not desire a greener pasture, I would just like a little peace in the one I am tending.

Be gentle with both your mother (who needs you) and your wife who feels insecure because of the presence of your mother in your home. Sit your wife down and explain to her very simply that your love for her is just so much greater and that your mother's presence in your home is a feather in your wife's cap. Explain to her that if your other siblings are not doing their duty, that does not make it right for you to shrug your duty towards your mother. Make sure that whatever special chores, etc., actions to be done for your mother are done by you and not your wife (because after all she is your mother and your responsibility). Make sure you are very affectionate towards your wife so that she will feel secure in your love. And above all pray to Allah SWT to make everything okay and In sha Allah it will be okay. You, your mother and your wife are all in my prayers and supplications. Kindly remember me in your prayers.

For a young man you have a wonderful loving attitude and sounds like you are secure within yourself... I send you kudos for finding a place to put YOUR feelings, as you are being stretched in two different directions...and I understand needing peace....and sounds like you are very open minded to your wifes issues as well. It 's just a crappy situation that you have decided to make the best of....I wonder if she knows how her words are killing your feellings for her? Have you just come out and said that to her? And letting her know counseling may be a good option for her feeling better about herself and the situation??? IF not, as Cmag said, continue to take care of yourself.....You didn't break her and you can't fix her as you are very clear about... extra prayers for you and hope you come back and continue to get things off your chest... we all need a safe place to put our feelings, we couldn't do LIFE much less caregiving without that.... please let us know how YOU are doing....

Burnout, you need counceling before you throw in the towel. Maybe you do pay your mother too much attention and she is able to do somethings for herself. Maybe you wife is just selfish. Who knows? Maybe it is a little of all.

The important thing here is the 13 and 12 year old. What are they experiencing growing up in such stress. Maybe it would be better to put your Mom in AL or a NH and work on the marriage. Sounds as if there are several extreme stressor in your life.

Take care of your family first. Your Mom will someday no longer be with you and your family could be in shambles. Make your family your first priority.

Well, Burntout, You have some decision-making to do, don't you? My heart goes out to you, your children, and your mother.......not so much your wife., except that it is her house also. Never forget that.
Now, first thing I might do is try counseling by laying your cards out on the table, especially your feelings. Your wife, darling that she is, should also put her cards on the table. A good counselor will guide you through this process.
In the end, however, I suspect that finding another place to live for your mother with an extra bedroom for yourself, is the most-likely way to go. I may be wrong on this. Your kids will understand. They will hear guff and complaints from their mother, of course. Perhaps, lies, but you must be strong. THIS MARRIAGE IS IN TROUBLE.

I feel the same kind of complaining from my husband as I care for my mother in an Independent living facility. Mom belongs in Assisted Living but refuses to go and in fact - my husband has to listen to me gripe about that. So he tries to direct my actions - which I am not capable of doing. What I try to remember is that my husband sees a change in me - and what he wants is to cure what ails me. He just doesn't understand that he can't fix it. When our kids were little and we disagreed on how to raise them - I always reminded myself that kids were temporary - that is - they would not be our responsibility for ever. I now remind myself that mom is temporary and will not be my responsibility for ever.

My final outcome was divorce and this how it came about. When we were forced to relocate 10 years ago due to jobs we moved my mother and mentally challenged sister in with us. This was my ex-wife’s idea since we needed the money we made on mother’s home to pay a second mortgage on ours for we can sell it and move.
My sister and my mother did a lot for us from cleaning the house to caring for our dogs while we went on trips. At one point I had my mother –in-law living with us also since her own sons wouldn’t take her in.
We never paid back any of the money we used to pay that second mortgage off so I took that as we made a commitment to put a roof over my mothers and sisters head .
After 8 years of this my wife couldn’t take anymore of this even though she help create this household. Once things started to come to the point where my mother needed more care and my ex-wife who has chronic migraines said basically they move out or me . I told her that if she went keep going because my family did a lot for her and family and she was ungrateful. Sometimes there isn’t a good answer and do what you have to do . My mother is now in a nursing home and I am caring for my sister who helps me quite a bit

Burnout, I haven't read all the comments made because I don't have the time this morning so I apologize if I repeat anything. When I read your post what really stood out to me was that your wife is not communicating her feelings in the correct way. All the nagging is doing the opposite of what she really wants to ask for. She really loves you and it's obvious she is extremely insecure and the way she is acting is creating just the opposite of what she really wants.

Your wife is jealous of the love you have for your Mother and the attention you give to her because she is starved for your love and attention. If you have any love for your wife left start a new project and make the time everyday to tell her you love her, sit with her, talk with her but not about your mom or the kids, if you can't find anything to talk about then don't, it will come back when she starts to feel more loved... ask yourself some serious questions like do you ever make love to your wife or is it infrequent? I know it's only normal for this kind of interest to slow down after 20 yrs of marriage because I've been married this long myself.. but I can also tell that my husband and I feel so much closer to each other and are more inclined to be open and honest with our feelings when this part of our relationship isn't neglected. I know sex isn't that appealing when you get older and less attractive or overweight also but if you look at it as an expression of love and intimacy you can get past all those barriers. Make it an important part of your relationship at least once a week even if one or both of you aren't really into it. Another thing you can do is remember how you acted with your wife when you first fell in love with her. Did you hold her hand, sit close to her. Did you actually cuddle? these things might be just what she needs. If she has never been like that then you know it's not the case.

I had a very similar experience as your wife after I married my husband who I've now been married to over 21 yrs. After we were married I noticed that he was especially close to his son from a previous marriage and I wasn't jealous of his giving his son attention but more over how he would always defend his son when he was wrong about something or needed correction.. I had to learn to let it go and eventually I did and I to deeply love this Son as my own now. But what made me get those resentful feelings was that I was insecure about weather or not my husband loved me that much, as much as he loved his son. I somehow was able to communicate and my husband understood enough to see I was insecure and he made sure to give me the attention I needed. Eventually, I became secure in my husbands love for me and those resentful feelings could be minimized or let go of, I could look at my husband and instead of thinking "he doesn't love me that much" I could look at him with his son or when we talked about his son and think to myself "he is such a good father and really does love that boy"..

I know you are really stressed and the marriage is very strained and this means work to change things for the better but think about it...your wife is your life long partner your companion, trusted friend and more.. it's worth the effort to get her to the point where she no longer expresses resentful feelings by harsh comments but will instead look at you helping your Mother and want to help you and have her thoughts and comments to you be "you are such a good son" and really appreciate what a loyal, devoted and loving man you are.

This is very sad to me... I think your wife should be thankful that you love your Mom so much!!! I have 3 grown son's 2 are married... I love my sons but I also love their wives. I know that the wives understand the relationship and I am thankful for that. I would encourage you to get some counseling. Together and perhaps seperately too.... Your children need both of you and I admire your concern for both of them and your Mother. Your children will learn some things helping care for Grandma that they would not learn any other way! We cared for my Grandmother when my older boys were young, they still talk about her very lovingly. take care and God bless!!!

Burnout, my advice is to watch the movie "Fireproof" when you have time...it is a Christian based movie about a marriage with a husband that is self centered and a nagging wife...they almost part ways, but a 40 day LOVE DARE booklet given to the Son from his Father saves their marriage, and realizing the true meaning of love.
This is killing your marriage buddy. There is nothing that cuts deeper than a wife who constantly nags you...but, there are underlying causes that are irritating her. I don't understand the reasoning why she would be "jealous" of your relationship with your Mom, Mom isn't always going to be around, and your wife's condescending words and actions are like bricks, being added to the wall of your heart. What I'm wondering is, why your boys can't watch Mom while you and the wife go have your date night...It seems to me the entire family needs to pull TOGETHER, instead of being selfish and pushing each other away from one another. When you married this woman, she promised to love, honor and cherish you til you drop dead, sorry, but when you marry someone, you enter their family as well. Wifey needs to realize her position and SUPPORT you in your decision to take care of your Mom. There is no I in TEAM, and this is definitely a team effort.

I am sorry you are going through this very tough situation. Could you please share with us about what your mother does with herself during the day? Does she have friends that visit and does she have hobbies? Also, your wife's hostility puzzles me. Did your mother accept her children that you helped to raise? Most of all, I am concerned about your children. Is this impacting their lives to the point that they avoid bringing friends to the house? A tense attitude is very tough for any teen or preteen and can have a negative impact on progress at school. As adults, we can create an atmosphere of peace or one that resembles hell. It sounds like you and your wife really need to sit down together and decide what is important to each of you. I advocate parents staying together unless the household is toxic. Is your mother able to be close to your children and help with homework as well as become an important part of their lives? That might change things. I hope for better days for all of you.

I feel for your wife, I have my mother live with me and I sometimes resent her! But, you really need to make some changes, like consider your WIFE first! Move your Mom to a nice home other than your own, where she will have people her own age and will be taken care of and then you can go see her once in a while, and save your marriage!! Good luck,

Hello, I am so sorry for the strenous things that you are going through. I understand what you are feeling. I did not have to care per se for my mom, because, she went into a nursing home from the hospital, after having a stroke. But, there are often days that I wish that I had, the time, that I didn't, have with her.

I am a woman, and therefore, understand a little about how women feel about their homes being disturbed. And, although I feel what she is going through, I do not feel that she is being loving or kind about the situation. It is one thing to vent, but, to lash out with the hurting comments that she is doing, tells me something else about her. I feel that she is selfish, jealous, and unyielding. She does not want you to feel love for anyone but, her, and the children you have together. People who love their spouse do not hurl insulting remarks, out of anger. She is being hurtful and selfish. I would sit her down, and tell her that she is hurting you by her remarks, and that they have to stop. Have you thought about a nursing home for your mom. I am certain that she can also feel the dislike from your wife. Life is too short to live in unhappiness. Hugs.

Here's my thoughts for what they're worth. I alone cared for my mother for only 18 months. However she was completely immobile. I slept with one ear open and with dementia they seem to never sleep, especially at night. I was exhausted but grateful for this experience.

#1 Prior to marriage do we discuss taking care of our parents? Probably not, but should. #2 I take offense for all women when I hear "it's probably her time of the month" or "She's menopausal or hormonal." Deal with it. Without these 'hormone's my friends none of us would be walking planet earth. I think it's time we show more respect and compassion and less insults and blame toward woman. Besides, men too have this going on but due to a lack of research we discount it. #3 What DOES your wife do for "your" mother? Maybe there is more than jealousy (if) going on here. She signed up to be a wife and a mother, not a care taker, correct? Was she in agreement to your mother moving in? Was there a time limit put on this agreement? Is this your decision alone regardless of what your 'life partner" wanted? How thorough was this discussed? Also one does not know what they are in for until they are in it. Maybe a family meeting would help.

I felt compelled to make this decision and forced to view my life and make the necessary changes prior to my care-taking. I would (if I were you) treat your wife to a night out, and humble yourself to discuss this arrangement and the impact it is having on your relationship with her. My guess is that she is sacrificing far more than you are giving her credit for. The decision for taking care of a parent must be made out of love and not guilt or finances. There are other options that you could discuss the pros and cons of that will allow you more harmony in your commitment to your wife and your relationship with her.

Women/Men with nurturing abilities typically find themselves taken for granted and then become confused as to how to turn it around; They now seem to stand alone in their confusion since those people around them are benefitting and don't see the need to disrupt their life to now accommodate hers/his.

Burntout, you have no control over how your wife acts. You do have control over how you react. If she was a barking dog, you would put up a fence to protect yourself from getting bitten, and then ignore the barking. Any other solution would drive you nuts. If your wife wants loving contact from you, she needs to give loving contact to you. During the decade my MIL lived with us, I had zero trouble with my wife and she had none from me. But I was warned that mother was coming, and that she would stay with us until she died(in 2009). We thrived because everyone involved was working to be as healthy as they could. Peaceful interaction is possible, but it's the result of hard work from everybody. Good Luck. God Bless You.

Ok, for those of you that say "Put your marriage 1st". I agree that the marriage should come first. Coming 1st does not mean ignoring the needs of others in the family. Putting my marriage 1st should not mean I am painted into an EITHER-OR SITUATION.

Imagine if after a few years, I would have said to my wife, "This isn't working out with the kids. I think we should put our marriage 1st and send them off to their bio-Dad." I think if I said that to her she would have kicked me to the curb and rightfully so! But I did not. I attempted to fill the shoes of the girls bio-dad as best I could. And after several years of teen rebellion and teenage pregnancies, I can tell you that it ain't been a cakewalk. No heart is colder than a teenage girl in rebellion.

I love the girls, (and for those wondering, my mom accepted them as her Grandchildren). The 30 year old is just now working on her GED. I can't count the times that I have rolled out at 2am to pick her up and take her to the ER for drugs, alcohol, or domestic abuse. The younger girl is 25 with three kids. 1st pregnancy at 16. Both girls have probably hated me at some point but they have come to love me know. My IQ as gained proportional to their age.

I don't really wanna go into all the crap that the daughters have done to mess up their lives. My wife once told me, "I love you but your baggage is hard to deal with." I said "My baggage! Babe, I have a backpack worth of baggage compared to the set of loaded sampsonites you came loaded with. I didn't just accept your baggage, I embraced it and did my best to care for it. I just need a little understanding now."

When my oldest son was born, I did not put him first above the marriage or other kids. But I did have to do more for him. Why? He was an infant. Now no one said, I think you are ignoring my needs to change his diapers! I spend an average of 25 minutes every night making sure that Mom gets her meds, her blood sugar test and cleaning her room before I got to bed or go to work.

If that 25 minutes is a marriage killer, then we are doomed to begin with. I don't think my wife hates my Mom. She hates that our house is cramped and that we are financially unable to change that. I get that. I guess when I am doing stuff for my Mom that should be obvious to even the untrained eye she is not capable of doing, I don't feel like hearing a ration of shit about it.

I don't want a freakin medal. I just want to be able to do what I gotta do.

I LOVE MY WIFE! But when I compliment her she negates it. She complains about her weight, looks, hair, or you name it. This critique of self is not coming from me. I am 48 and am long past the days of chasing cheerleaders. I love her the way she is. (not the way she behaves at times).

Counseling is good but not a cure-all. Especially if the one that needs it the most doesn't see the need.