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How do you deal with other family members rejecting your giving lifetime support to your parents as if it is of no value? and excluding you from family life? Its complicated but basically I am the eldest of 4. I have always supported my parents in a loving and financial way from the moment I started work. My two younger siblings just took whatever they could month after month not realising that they were leaving my parents with nothing for themselves for the month. When my mother became more frail and her health started to fail I was made redundant and in a very short space of time a full time care giver until she died. I was present when she died. Since than I have learnt that my younger brother told his own version of events from that time that some how have him as the injured party and he is believed over me. As a consequence I am excluded from family life, this has been going on for almost three years. My father is now frail and requires daily support which my brother now reluctantly provides as the last sibling that remained at home and not working. He does this with the help of a carer and me giving up my Saturdays to spend with dad and catch up on everything that needs to be done. I am effectively written out of the family narative unless I am expected to do something and I am hurt and disillusioned with family. For me it mean people that will let you down and its hard to move on from the daily sadness that this brings. I used to hope this might change but I think its highly unlikely now and sadly dads death is the only way I will be free of these toxic relationships. Does anyone else have experiences like this? How did/do you deal with them?

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"Let it go" as the song says. You have given for your mother and now it's your brother's turn for your dad. Unfortunately things will probably never change. There are those of us that "do" and those of us that wish they could "do" and "don't". You are a wonderful daughter and you should be proud of yourself. Those others that chose to be in control or spew mistruths have to answer to a higher power someday. You know you did the right thing and when you lay your head on the pillow at night, sleep with peace. You did your best and that's all we can do. God Bless all the caregivers because unless you live it you will never understand the strength it takes to go through it. It would be nice if family always supported us through these trying times but it rarely happens. Remove these people from your life and you will be at peace. It took me 4 years to figure that out but boy it's so nice and quiet now and no more drama. Life is too short, enjoy with those that you love and love you back for who you are and not what you can do for them......
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I have a "Peanuts" cartoon on my fridge with Charlie Brown and Snoopy, hugging, which reads, "I don't have time to worry about who doesn't like me. I'm too busy loving the people who love me." I read it many times a day, and honestly, it helps! Take care!
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You walk away from toxic wastelands until they have been remediated. Change the things you can and leave the rest to the wind. Glad to see your brother has turned a corner, perhaps the third will follow.
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Unfortunately when you need families the most they become the enemy. My family fell apart after my father died three years ago. My mother moved next to me two years ago when the house went up for sale. I was working part time and driving 45 minutes at least once a week to do all her errands with her. My mother never drove or made friends. Mom is on oxygen 24/7 with severe COPD. I was told by 3 out of 4 siblings that I would receive their help if mom moved next to me. One of the siblings visits about once every 2 months out of guilt. The other two are so dysfunctional we never see or talk to them. I have another sibling who stole thousands of dollars from my parents while my father was on hospice and dying. She tried to blame me because I was there helping my mother care for him, but she was found to be the guilty party. I have lived through H*ll with these siblings and have finally started to not let it bother me as much because it's toxic. It was literally making me sick. It's not worth fighting and begging for help. In the end us caregivers will be able to lay our heads on our pillows at night and sleep at night.
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I would just visit Dad on Saturday for a few hours and just visit, meaning chit chat, hold his hand, bring him a snack whatever.. Let your brother and his carer's do the rest.. Maybe even stop by after work and skip a Saturday.. You obviously are being disrespected by your siblings but spending time with your Dad is all that matters now..

Take care of yourself..?
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Do whatever you can to to help and honor your parents. You will have no regrets once they're gone. Ignore stupid and selfish siblings for the time being.
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I have personally found, as has my husband with his family, that 'old roles' never go away. I have four siblings and my husband has one. His mother and father have both passed away, mine are both living. There is a ton of dysfunction in both families. You can bang your head against a wall all you want, but I don't think it will ever change. I hope for you that you will realize that you are not going to get whatever validation you are looking for, realize you are a good and loving person, let your brother do his 'thing' and try to take your hands a mind off it. You have done a lot. If you look over time at your mother's behavior, she has played into this whole thing too. Try to let it go and give yourself a chance now to have more of a life.
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I can relate somewhat with you. My father passed away when I was four and my mom was left with seven children to bring up by herself. From that moment on since I was four I felt like I needed to look out for my Mom. I for whatever reason felt like she was my responsibility. When she needed financial help, emotional support, protection from my violent schizophrenic brother etc. etc. I was the one who stepped in. When my eldest brother died and left my mom heartbroken I moved in with her for a while to help her. Recently my mom who is now 91 became seriously ill and nearly died. I reached out to my siblings for support and got some briefly. But was alarmed with how they just took it for granted that I would continue to be my moms main caregiver. When we tried a trial period of home care and my mom wouldn't let the health workers in I was the one who went over there every time to make sure my mom got her medicine, the one who discovered her laying on the floor cause she had fallen etc. etc. Now my mom is in a care home and she rarely gets visits from my siblings. I phone her every day and see her as much as I can. I comfort myself with the knowledge that one day when my dear mom passes on I will know that I did all I could to make her life happy and my siblings will have to live with the guilt that they did not.
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Frazzled, if you're helping out with your father because you're trying to get some props from your sibs, knock it off. I swear I never really saw the dysfunction in my own family until some of us started taking care of Mom & Dad. I'm not looking for affirmation from anyone, I'm just doing what I believe is right. Once your dad passes, you can write off your sibs too.
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Listdn to all, especially DGinGA and Assandache7, especially since all you are getting for your efforts is continued stress and grief. I would love to just visit with my mother instead of being the caregiver the 3 days I am with her. You have the opportunity to do that with your father on Saturdays. Stop being a martyr; be a daughter who visits. You will feel better for it. All that other stuff you are doing will get done by someone else eventually. You will still get sh*t from your siblings, because that is what they do. However, your own life will be better off. You can't change them; you can only change yourself. Good luck!
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