Follow
Share

How do you deal with other family members rejecting your giving lifetime support to your parents as if it is of no value? and excluding you from family life? Its complicated but basically I am the eldest of 4. I have always supported my parents in a loving and financial way from the moment I started work. My two younger siblings just took whatever they could month after month not realising that they were leaving my parents with nothing for themselves for the month. When my mother became more frail and her health started to fail I was made redundant and in a very short space of time a full time care giver until she died. I was present when she died. Since than I have learnt that my younger brother told his own version of events from that time that some how have him as the injured party and he is believed over me. As a consequence I am excluded from family life, this has been going on for almost three years. My father is now frail and requires daily support which my brother now reluctantly provides as the last sibling that remained at home and not working. He does this with the help of a carer and me giving up my Saturdays to spend with dad and catch up on everything that needs to be done. I am effectively written out of the family narative unless I am expected to do something and I am hurt and disillusioned with family. For me it mean people that will let you down and its hard to move on from the daily sadness that this brings. I used to hope this might change but I think its highly unlikely now and sadly dads death is the only way I will be free of these toxic relationships. Does anyone else have experiences like this? How did/do you deal with them?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing

20 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First
I am an only child and my father died when I was only 21. My mother has helped me out and we have been friends and business partners for most of my life. I have 2 children who won't come visit except rarely and even though they know that Mother is 103 and frail NEVER pitch in on her care. I pay a grand-daughter-in-law $15 per hour 4 - 8 hours per week so I can go to work and keep my company somewhat running. Mostly I work from home and telecommute. Nobody appreciates it and nobody will ever pitch in. My son has had my mother at his home a few weekends and my daughter has had her at her home 2 weekends in 5 years since she quit work at 98. She has bought them cars and houses and paid their school expenses and still she loves them and when she is having a muddled day she mistakes me for my daughter. Yes, it hurts. Will it change? Probably not. I just try to not be bitter and keep things as pleasant as possible for the sake of my mother. I feel your pain. At least my family is not turned against me, they just ignore me and my mother.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report
WOW. All this time I have wished over and over that I had sisters or brothers. I took care of both of my parents & my Dad passed in March. Since then my Mom (who has dementia) has had a stroke and is bedridden. I had pity parties for a time being an only child.....but the more I hear, the more I read, it seems having siblings would mean nothing. Sad, really sad. All I can add is Bless the Caregivers of this world. They have a caring heart. The brothers and sisters that turn away will one day have to look at reality in the mirror...and it isn't going to be pretty for them. As caregivers, we are tired at times, alone at times, angry at times...but at least when our heads do get to hit the pillows at night, we can sleep without guilt.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I am one of 5 kids, (one passed away). 2 live out of state so they are not able to help with my Mom, who has some dementia. My sister lives 5 minutes from where my Mom and she jumped ship and went on a" hiatus" for 6 weeks without telling me. I was all by myself taking care of Mom. I didn't even know where my sister had went until I called her daughter in another state and asked if she knew where her Mom was. I cried because all of Mom's care responsibilities are on my shoulders and all my siblings do is criticize me. They do nothing to help out. I am stressed to the limit. I am seeking prof. help.Ii have no one in my family to turn to. My Dad passed away and so the free money giveaway ended and so did my Sis. visiting our Mom, unless it was her B-day or Mother's Day.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I understand mainly what your going through about family ( also neighbors for me) not supporting you. I have been lucky in many ways with a couple a family members and my friend. But, overall, nothing we do or say will please them. You worry about you, and know you did wonderful with your mom ( she knew that ) and your dad knows you love him too as well as being wonderful to him. Everyone's right, until they walk the walk and actually care for someone 24/hours day for an extended period, they do not fully understand. Your not crazy and we are here for you.

I hope everything gets better for you and your in my thoughts.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
We have similar stories and I am the youngest of 3 daughters. I would personally strangle my sisters if I could, but not for the consequences. I washed my hands of them after I moved my mother in with me because the drama and nonsense was endless and exhausting.
I realized they had no intention of helping me and they were quite simply planning on treating me as their employee. I used to feel hurt by them but then I realized they have always used my personality and character to brag and lead their friends to think they are better than who they really are.
Now that they're on their own I don't care if they don't invite me to their pretentious happy family gatherings, and it's a big relief not to be around them.
I see and/or speak with them individually and avoid dealing with them as a group.
In the past I documented everything and nobody cared, so I feel more and more isolated now but at least I am no longer being abused and I feel this benefitted my mother tremendously. Seemed like they were always trying to draw her into their emotionally charged memories to cover up how they had neglected her. I think you're gonna be fine, just do the things you want to do and don't expect much of anything from your siblings. Once you free yourself from the big sister role, it may be a lot easier to enjoy the time you have left with your father.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I'm sorry to hear you're going through this, frazzleddaught. My situation is not quite like this, but I am the closest one (both physically and relationship-wise) with my mom. My other siblings are just either selfish, self-absorbed, or unable to help. I know they care, to a certain extent, but just won't make any effort, so it falls to me.

Back to you: Do what's right for your conscience, and don't worry about approval from your siblings. Only your and your father's needs and opinions matter now. I'm sad to say that you are not alone. But, the good news is that you can find support here. Hang in there!
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
I can relate somewhat with you. My father passed away when I was four and my mom was left with seven children to bring up by herself. From that moment on since I was four I felt like I needed to look out for my Mom. I for whatever reason felt like she was my responsibility. When she needed financial help, emotional support, protection from my violent schizophrenic brother etc. etc. I was the one who stepped in. When my eldest brother died and left my mom heartbroken I moved in with her for a while to help her. Recently my mom who is now 91 became seriously ill and nearly died. I reached out to my siblings for support and got some briefly. But was alarmed with how they just took it for granted that I would continue to be my moms main caregiver. When we tried a trial period of home care and my mom wouldn't let the health workers in I was the one who went over there every time to make sure my mom got her medicine, the one who discovered her laying on the floor cause she had fallen etc. etc. Now my mom is in a care home and she rarely gets visits from my siblings. I phone her every day and see her as much as I can. I comfort myself with the knowledge that one day when my dear mom passes on I will know that I did all I could to make her life happy and my siblings will have to live with the guilt that they did not.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
I think your brother will get an understanding to the difficult tasks you did. I also think you are fortunate that they did get a care provider to help you. It is hard to do this alone. Try to make your anchor be that the acts you do now are ones you will feel are honorable 5-10 years from now. This is entirely separate from what others, your siblings have done.

I encourage you to suggest to your brother to have your sister fill in on Saturdays, not you. You might come and take your father to lunch in a planned way to give your brother time to shop.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
Some people get good families, some people choose good spouses, some people get good friends. Few people get all three. I hope you get at least one.
Look for your support and happiness elsewhere.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Thank you everyone for your insightful answers. I am slowly coming to terms with the fact that it only matters that you care if you have walked that walk. My siblings are both younger and have been 'takers' all their lives. I guess its hard for them to actually consider they should play a part in caring for our parents. That said I would never tried any of the time I spent with my mother. We laughed and loved despite the tricky patches I know she loved and respected me and the feeling was mutual and that ultimately is what matters. I treasure the memories I have, even managing to get her laughing during embarrassing A & E procedures, we became old hands at that.
As it matters now that I focus on supporting my dad. I am so glad I found this site, knowing I am not crazy and that others do understand makes a world of difference. I am really appreciative and touched. Thank you all!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Listdn to all, especially DGinGA and Assandache7, especially since all you are getting for your efforts is continued stress and grief. I would love to just visit with my mother instead of being the caregiver the 3 days I am with her. You have the opportunity to do that with your father on Saturdays. Stop being a martyr; be a daughter who visits. You will feel better for it. All that other stuff you are doing will get done by someone else eventually. You will still get sh*t from your siblings, because that is what they do. However, your own life will be better off. You can't change them; you can only change yourself. Good luck!
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Frazzled, if you're helping out with your father because you're trying to get some props from your sibs, knock it off. I swear I never really saw the dysfunction in my own family until some of us started taking care of Mom & Dad. I'm not looking for affirmation from anyone, I'm just doing what I believe is right. Once your dad passes, you can write off your sibs too.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
you have been a carer & giver,(NOT A TAKER) money can buy many things but you cannot buy love. be there for youre dad, he needs your"e support and the love you have given him throughout the years, when that sad day arrives you will have nothing to approach yourself for, you will be able to walk with your"e head held high, it will be then you will feel free. I can understand the hurt you must be feeling, don't let them get to you, they are not worth it. you are a better person, don't ever forget that. take care of yourself.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report
I have a "Peanuts" cartoon on my fridge with Charlie Brown and Snoopy, hugging, which reads, "I don't have time to worry about who doesn't like me. I'm too busy loving the people who love me." I read it many times a day, and honestly, it helps! Take care!
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
I have personally found, as has my husband with his family, that 'old roles' never go away. I have four siblings and my husband has one. His mother and father have both passed away, mine are both living. There is a ton of dysfunction in both families. You can bang your head against a wall all you want, but I don't think it will ever change. I hope for you that you will realize that you are not going to get whatever validation you are looking for, realize you are a good and loving person, let your brother do his 'thing' and try to take your hands a mind off it. You have done a lot. If you look over time at your mother's behavior, she has played into this whole thing too. Try to let it go and give yourself a chance now to have more of a life.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
I would just visit Dad on Saturday for a few hours and just visit, meaning chit chat, hold his hand, bring him a snack whatever.. Let your brother and his carer's do the rest.. Maybe even stop by after work and skip a Saturday.. You obviously are being disrespected by your siblings but spending time with your Dad is all that matters now..

Take care of yourself..?
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
"Let it go" as the song says. You have given for your mother and now it's your brother's turn for your dad. Unfortunately things will probably never change. There are those of us that "do" and those of us that wish they could "do" and "don't". You are a wonderful daughter and you should be proud of yourself. Those others that chose to be in control or spew mistruths have to answer to a higher power someday. You know you did the right thing and when you lay your head on the pillow at night, sleep with peace. You did your best and that's all we can do. God Bless all the caregivers because unless you live it you will never understand the strength it takes to go through it. It would be nice if family always supported us through these trying times but it rarely happens. Remove these people from your life and you will be at peace. It took me 4 years to figure that out but boy it's so nice and quiet now and no more drama. Life is too short, enjoy with those that you love and love you back for who you are and not what you can do for them......
Helpful Answer (8)
Report
Unfortunately when you need families the most they become the enemy. My family fell apart after my father died three years ago. My mother moved next to me two years ago when the house went up for sale. I was working part time and driving 45 minutes at least once a week to do all her errands with her. My mother never drove or made friends. Mom is on oxygen 24/7 with severe COPD. I was told by 3 out of 4 siblings that I would receive their help if mom moved next to me. One of the siblings visits about once every 2 months out of guilt. The other two are so dysfunctional we never see or talk to them. I have another sibling who stole thousands of dollars from my parents while my father was on hospice and dying. She tried to blame me because I was there helping my mother care for him, but she was found to be the guilty party. I have lived through H*ll with these siblings and have finally started to not let it bother me as much because it's toxic. It was literally making me sick. It's not worth fighting and begging for help. In the end us caregivers will be able to lay our heads on our pillows at night and sleep at night.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
Do whatever you can to to help and honor your parents. You will have no regrets once they're gone. Ignore stupid and selfish siblings for the time being.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
You walk away from toxic wastelands until they have been remediated. Change the things you can and leave the rest to the wind. Glad to see your brother has turned a corner, perhaps the third will follow.
Helpful Answer (6)
Report
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Recent Questions


Popular Questions


Related Questions

Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter