Family members abusing me while I am trying to take care of sick Mom. What can I do?

My son and his girlfriend live with us in MY house where I care for Mom. He does help with Mom, running errands and setting her clock and things like that. He and his girlfriend cook and leave pots, pans, dishes (eat all my food) and trash for me. I am unhealthy and have enough to do! We finally sat them down after telling them they need to clean up own mess didn't have much impact. They live here for $40 a week which we save for them but they don't know that. I finally told them good luck finding a place for $160 mo including his smart phone, WiFi, electric, cable, food, animal food, etc... They are going to need LUCK because if they don't start helping with at the very least their OWN mess, I am on board with my husband to have them move out. We are doing them the favor and they do owe us something in return! Taking care of Mom is a lot less stressful when I don't have all their stuff to take care if too! ( girlfriend doesn't work but no baby, and I do have a great relationship with her) Baby mama can't work with baby? Then she can work for her supper at home, cleaning, helping you, whatever! Tell them if you want to live here it will cost you $XX or you will need to do this, this, this and that every day to earn your living! If it gives you a little hope.. His girlfriend did their dishes twice, folder their cloths and son has cleaned up his grossness in bathroom! Its only been a few days!!! Try it. And if they say we are getting our own place, say OK. I found its a threat we know they can't afford and they have nowhere to turn after a threat like that so stick to my way or highway! Good luck. I know these things are easier said than done but the people on this site have some great advice and I have listened to them and it has made thing a little easier!

Lots of good advice here. Another option? Sell moms house, use the proceeds to find a 2BR apt for you and mom to live in on your own. Others can find their own arrangements. Don't buy anything, just lease. ThAt way you can put plenty in reserve for moms care going forward.

Current living situation seems toxic.

I'm a bit confused. You posted a few days ago with a post titled "Can I turn over power of attorney to my 29 year old son to continue caring for my critically ill Mom? " and received a lot of good responses on that specific issue. I'm assuming that you recognized only your mother can change or execute a new DPOA and that you at least for the time being are still the primary one caring for her.

That being said, it's still your responsibility and apparently the son and GF aren't going to participate. The next issue is what do you do about that?

This post raises the same questions as in the first post, i.e., that of family members sponging off you, not pulling their own weight and treating you with various levels of disrespect. The 2 answers thus far from Eyerishlass and JesseBelle also address the dysfunctional arrangement as well as your participation in it.

While I don't intend to be cruel, I think the real questions are what are you going to do to change the situation, as only you can change your role and your attitude toward the spongers in the family. You really need to put your foot down and evict these two irresponsible adult kids. Your DPOA should have terms that allow you to do that. If you have to, contact the local police and ask them for help in evicting the spongers.

This site is good for venting, but you do have to take control of your own situation because it won't change otherwise.

This is your mother's house - what is her position on all this? The fracas can't be helpful to her. As her primary caregiver, you have to think of what's the best for her and it's not the current situation.

Good luck, and I hope you find the courage to address all of your concerns, today, now, and find some peace in your life. Again, I don't intend to sound cruel, but it disturbs me to see someone in an abusive situation. This needs to change for the benefit of both you and your mother or you're going to need your own caregiver.

If your son and the live-in GF won't help, then tell them to find a place of their own. If they're old enough to produce a child, they're old enough to take responsiblity for their own lives.

Don't be a doormat for an irresponsible son and his GF.

Advise son that for the benefit of all family relationships it is best if he attends AA and moves out. Sounds like he hooked up with a lazy gal, but sounds like he is in need of some self improvement himself if he has a drinking problem. They are both adults, they need to deal with their choices and consequences. Give him a reasonable deadline and stick to it.

My only solution is that it is time for everyone to stand on their own feet. Your son is employed and has a child accompanied by a woman he's not legally committed to except through the child. Are they paying the bills or something? I wondered why you tolerated this if she is not pulling together as family. Talk to son and tell him it is time for him to start building his own life with his family.

So it's mom's house and she needs you as a caregiver but your son, who drinks, only helps out occasionally because he finds caregiving too stressful and his baby mama, who has no job, slobs around the house all day and calls your son to tattle tale on you.

There are too many competing dysfunctions in this house. Why can't Baby Mama get a job so they can move out?

Keep your head down and focus on your task at hand: caring for your mom. Live and let live when it comes to son and Baby Mama. Try lowering your expectations regarding the Baby Mama. You know that she has no desire to clean the house so don't expect her to. Should she be helping out especially since she is unemployed? Of course. But we can't always count on people to do the right thing and expecting them to can lead to frustration and resentment on our part.

This is enough to wear anyone down. What changes are you willing to make?