Family members abusing me while I am trying to take care of sick Mom. What can I do?

My husband has dementia. Our son, nephew and grand-niece moved in with us 6 mos. ago. Our son just got a divorce, nephew is changing career and grand-niece attending tech school, so they all left their homeland and moved to another state to stay with us.

Our nephew found a job 3 weeks after he got here, our son still procrastinating, grand-niece is handicaped and can't do school and work part-time. Our son became disrespectful towards me, so I kicked him out of the house. I told the other 2, the same thing will happen to them if they get out of hand. As "head of this household", who pays all the bills, buy all the groceries, take care of a dementia husband and home, I have the authority to kick them out because they were never invited to come to live with us.

Everyone is responsible to remind my husband to take his medication and if you don't cook or prepare any meals, then your the cleaner-upper. Our nephew helps with the meals and cleaning when he's off. Grand-niece does the kitchen after school and meals.

Remember honey, YOU'RE the "head huncho", you have enough on your hands to deal with ... get rid of them or make them follow Your rules.

lovetheelederly I totally hear where your coming from something in my family no help!

Good luck Lovetheelederly. You are going to need tons of it!

Just like with child bearing, guys have NO IDEA what we go through to be successful caregivers. They need to walk in our shoes before they say a WORD. Lots of of ignoring and taking care of yourself FROM NOW ON.
Kathy

Wow sounds like my family: I went to ask my x sister in law who is a surgical nurse at Cedar Sinai for help because my mother can no longer walk and my brother is draining her bank account and she continues to go to work limping and comes home in pain crying and screaming.

You know what I got, I bunch of stupid b.... about how I am lucky my parents paid for my education which in fact they did not (student loans to prove it).

I will never ask again! Wow how sad I had to beg and pled a family member who is a surgical nurse for help!

I need to walk away and heart tugs because I love my mother. By the way, my brother does not even live with us.

The advice I got from the surgical nurse was basically to ignore it and stop talking about my brother...wow...do they hire these kind of people at Cedar Sinai in Los Angeles?

By the way, it was first time I have ever asked her for help.

I agree. No One knows how we feel and I am just learning how to do it. I didnt take care of myself and I had a seizure. My mom lives in her own apartment and in july she will be 91. I live ten minutes away from her. I go over every day to make sure she is okay and I talk to her alot.

Foxxmolder, you couldn't have said it anymore perfect. I sure hope your response is read several times. Glornorth please listen all that everyone is saying. Cause you will eventually grow to despise your son and gf and that will make it a very hostile place for your mom. It's not a healthy place for anyone. I myself would kick them to the curb. I've been on very similar situation many years ago. I had to do the same thing. Saying don't let the door hit you on the on your way out !!!!

A lot of GREAT advice here!~....I wish I'd had it 2 yrs ago!....We put "Mom" 1st, kept waiting for, Sis & Bro, just to do the minimal that they promised, financially & emotionally. What a nitemare!...We finally were forced to make other "arrangements",lost a car, our home, & noone is speaking to us. It was 'outta sight"/"outta mind", for my siblings, who only saw our asking for help as an inconvience. Been almost a yr. since we moved Mom into other space, we're still re-buiding our lives, my business, & our relationship...YOU COUNT look at the task you've taken on, if you don't take care of yourself, there won't be anything left of you to share or help anyone else, please try to avoid the mistakes, that I made & Good Luck !

She is living with you in YOUR mother's home and she treats you like dirt. Why? Kick her out. They are using you and not even helping. They are weighing you down. Let them get their own place.

Tough love time for your son and his partner to move out. You have a life. You are not your son and your son is not you. You deserve to be happy in spite of your son's issues and his girlfriends drama of reporting everything. Ask yourself what you want from life and how you can get it. It's time for you to worry about yourself first. Nothing you do will change your son. no worries it will be the best thing you ever did your the soul caregiver only you should be living in that house with your Mom they will be mad for awhile but its the best thing just do it! I should take my own advice stupid me!

Nana you are so right! She needs to tell them to get out. This is driving her nuts. I wouldnt stand for it at all. I take care of my mom and my son whois austic. The only problem i have is my siter who lives in california and is trying to tell me what to do and i told her to shove it. I can do this. All of cant do it with family or people interfering in what we are doing. Yes we create our own problems. This will cause sickness too. I am on blood pressure pills and meds for a seizure condition. My neurologist is taking me off it though.
We have to be tough and stand up for ourselves.
She needs to let go and also punch her pillow and scream at it.

Glornorth, time to cut Sonny's umbilical cord. Stand up for yourself. He and his Babymama need to GET OUT and support themselves. RIGHT NOW! PERIOD! I MEAN IT!!! I am sick and tired of hearing adult parents whine about the irresponsible behavior of their adult children while they are ENABLING that behavior every single day! If you don't like the current situation then DO something about it!!!!!

Jessie, you're so right. It's much harder to be firm and take action when family is involved than when it's an outsider, stranger, or someone not close to us.

GardenArtist, this is so true of many people, especially when it comes to their children. If it were a stranger living in the house with a girlfriend, it would be one thing. But when it's a son, it's totally different. No one wants to see their son (or grandchild) fall. I think your idea of family counseling is a good one if others will agree to it. If not, personal counseling might help.

In reading over the OP's first post, this post, and all the responses, I'm beginning to have a different perspective, one which I hope wil be construed as helpful rather than critical.

Generally we posters have been firm in advising her to correct the situation with the son and live-in GF. We;re assuming that she can and has the strength to do this.

What if she doesn't have the emotional and self-confidence tools to make changes? Allowing oneself to become enmeshed in a situation in which there's verbal abuse by other family members is to me indicative of some level of low self esteem. The son himself obviously has problems with alcoholism and coping.

I'm not trying to psychoanalyze her, but rather speaking from observation of others in similar situations and counsel from my sister who was a psychiatric nurse and dealt with a lot of dysfunctional families.

I think there's some long standing family dysfunction here which is interfering/preventing (?) the OP from taking action. I'm not speaking only about the current issues with the noncontributing and seemingly selfish son and live-in GF.

I'm talking about life long skills on how to identify, approach and solve problems. One needs to have the confidence that efforts can be successful before undertaking a major family reshuffling and evicting the noncontributing son and GF.

She knows the situation isn't healthy for her or for her mother yet her presentation doesn't suggest strength. In her defense, I don't think she has the skills to follow our individual and collective suggestions without outside help, which family counseling might provide.

If there's any religious involvement, perhaps a pastor can intervene and help provide guidance. If not, I think the OP needs some professional help to support her position and take action. I'm not referring to psychiatric but rather behavioral modification and family dynamics counseling. This isn't just her problem, it's the son's and GF's problem as well, and they need firm direction to get their acts together.

And I wish her all the best of luck and success because being in the situation of not having confidence in yourself is sad, frustrating and depressing.

The first thing you can do is tell both your son and his girlfriend to stop disrespecting you and if they cannot, move out. You have enough on your plate taking care of your mother, and if your meds are not working, tell your doctor who can try you on others. Treating depression is an art, which may take several dozens different meds to get you the one that unlocks the key to your brain chemicals. Do not stop trying. No one has to live with depression. Have that talk with son on Mother's Day too!

Your mom is the most deserving of your help in this, not your disrespectful son and his ... They are both disrespectful, but especially your son. How dare he allow his unpaid .... to abuse you. How dare he.
Again, boot them. And you may have to do it legally. Take care of your mom, grow a backbone and tell sonny boy and baby mama to go, and serve them a 30 day notice to back it up.

You are responsible for your problems. Whatever reason you convince yourself to not kick your son and girlfriend out isn't justifiable. You are doing your son a huge disservice. He needs to man up but how can he when he can manipulate momma into sponging off her? Sorry to sound harsh but I was there once and when I finally grew my own set of balls and kicked him out on the spot- a huge weight immediately lifted. Sure- he was angry and pulled his guilt bag of tricks out on me but oh well- and guess what miracle happened? I landed on my feet and was stress relieved! No more pills to sleep. I made the son become a man and realize how selfish and irresponsible it was of me to let a man, my son, cause me emotional abuse. So- bottom line my dear is all the problems you wrote you are creating and you can fix it with BYE. GET OUT OF GODS WAY- God can't do a thing because you are Gods hands and voice and you aren't listening. Your son and the problems won't magically fix. God says EVICT him and then let go and let God. Best of luck.

it is about time you showed them who the boss is, you care for youre mum, you already take medication for stress and anxiety. they are both disrespectful, your"e son is stressed out due to any misunderstandings you may have with his girlfriend, therefore he calls and abuses you and has the audacity to drink to block out his stress. he drinks because that is a comfort to him, enabling him to switch off when he wants. put youre foot down, make it clear to youre son they are staying in youre mums house, his girlfriend wont help out, and you will not be prepared to let this continue, tell them both if they don't pull there weight, it is time for them to find a place of there own, be firm about it, tell them this is making you ill, one final warning is what you are giving them , they have a choice either help out or get out. yes he is youre son, to move with his girlfriend may make him realise just how lazy she is. you need youre health in order to care for his grandmother, don't let them break you, living in such an atmosphere will take its toll on you. stand on youre own 2 feet, god will help you if you are willing to help yourself, I warning then let them go. good luck.

I agree with everyone. Tell them they have to go and you cann ot take care of the baby and your mom too. I am taking care of my mom and my son who is austic. She lives in her own apartment as well. They need to go, Take care of yopru mom first. She is the important one.

All I can say is I hope your moms not all up in the middle of this drama. Although I have compassion for anyone in difficult situations, she is lost in a world of tangled thoughts and probably scared at this point. I know my mom really gets panicked if anyone's upset. However, people do find themselves in abusive, or situations that they feel helpless in. But try and remember first and formost. She needs you and you need to be strong for her and if you can't you need to find a place where she will feel safe.

Boot out your son and his ungrateful brat of a baby mama.

Glornorth you sound - not just this thread, but others too - very burned out, very close to the end of your tether. Big hug. Never fear, this too will pass.

Your mother needs care and somewhere to live. You want? don't want? to continue to care for your mother; and you need somewhere to live too. Your son and his g/f and their baby need somewhere to live. Your son is working (that's something!) but clearly, if he's drinking, he's avoiding the conflict (and his home responsibilities) in a deeply unhelpful way. Girlfriend needs to grow up. I have various home truths I'd like to put to her - in a nutshell, she's not too big to go over my knee - but E/lass is right, you'd be better off lowering your expectations of her until she does grow up and sort out her attitude. Meanwhile, the bills need paying, the caregiving work needs doing, the housework needs doing, and you all need to feel valued and cared about. Everybody must be unhappy with things as they are. So, how can you create a change?

Is there anyone who can help you get everybody round a table and figure out a plan, complete with house rules, budget and a fair rota for everything that needs doing? The trouble is, that once relations have got scratchy, it becomes extremely difficult to have a good-humoured constructive discussion without someone to referee it. Are there any allies you could call on to mediate?

You are dealing with solo caregiving and taking grief from the girlfriend, and a son who thinks he is "defending" his girlfriend. Add a baby with its needs and noise, it isn't surprising you need some pills to get by:) LOL

Let's step back, you are in this situation because your mother needs your help. She can not live without your help--so I would focus on what makes her remaining days on this planet enjoyable. You need a quiet peaceful home to provide for her.
The next generation has 2 healthy young/middle aged adults and one dependent baby they created. They need to set up housekeeping in an apartment somewhere else. Your son is employed which is great, if he needs to he could get a second job and the mother could work at least part time too so their family unit is self supporting. Neither of them are little children to be cared for any longer. Ask yourself, if you and your mother dropped dead today, they would have to be self supporting so it is time to start doing it alone. I think your relationship will improve with your son over time. He needs some time to fully mature. Only time will tell if this relationship (the son/girlfriend) lasts or if they break up--but either way you need to stay out of it. They need to face the demands of adult married life.

On Mothers Day weekend, enjoy your mother. This can work if you and mom are on your own.

Listen...forget the trying to reason with son & lazy girlfriend..your not setting the rules from the start has allowed this disrespect to flourish in your home. I care for my 92 yr old mom but made sure I moved in apt with her and opted not to live in my childrens homes or my mothers apt precisely to avoid any conflicts and my having to deal with others while trying to care for my mother. YOU NEED TO CALL THEM OUT ...NO SCREAMING, NO BLAMING, . Set up meeting right away..spell out new rules for them and give them warning that if things you have on list of to do daily are not done from that day forward, they will have to move out! Make it clear to them both you mean business! Emphasis that you will not tolerate any further disrespect from either of them and if need be will get authorities involved as your mother has rights as well...this all borders on elder abuse!! Finally, ask yourself...is this what you can expect from your son if you should grow old and sick and need him to care for you?? Respect yourself, respect your mothers home, don't let them bully you and life for you will be what it should...peaceful, healthy and free of toxic behavior! In the long run your son will get hold of his own problems and do what a man is suppose to do...stop being a victim, you are part of the problem...stand up for yourself and your mother! I did, no one tells me or my mom how to live! Good luck and remember you are in charge...they are young let them find their own way..it is time!" God helps those who help themselves!".

Ismiami has a solution that 's seems excellent. It will take time and effort and a lot of fortitude, but then everyone has to stand on their own.

Good luck with this problem that resembles so many others in the community. Please keep coming back to check answers and received support. As mentioned above, no one can fix your problems, but we can sympathize and give our opinions.
Take care,
Carol

It is great to turn to GOD, but God gives us freewill and WE are responsible for our thoughts, feelings, actions and consequences.
God Bess this site!

Remember on the hard days that it's all tempary. God is guiding you and watching over you good works. You are not alone.

GOD sounds like a perfect ONE to turn to. Now you must just do it.

Wow, you have an interesting situation. You need a re-start. Something that should have happened when girlfriend moved in - an agreement as who how household chores would be handled. A list on the fridge - who does what. You care for yourself and your mother. Son and baby-mama need to care for themselves. If that puts a strain on their relationship then find them counseling. What do halfway decent apartments rent for in your area? Charge them that amount. If your son copes with any stress by drinking then he is an alcoholic. Doesn't matter what he drinks or whether he gets drunk or not. Using alcohol as the crutch is the issue. No alcohol in the house. If you are not strong enough to put up this new wall of personal defense then YOU need to get some counseling.

At a minimum baby-mama needs to handle cleaning and laundry for her family, and clean up after herself. Do you have an opportunity to go visit someone for a few days, taking Mom with you? Leave son and DIL at home and see what happens. That might bring all of the issues to a head.

Dear Glornorth59,
There is a story that goes like this:
A man was on a boat and it started to sink. He prayed and prayed for God to save him. Another man who had a better boat come by and offered to help. He told this new guy, "No. I will be all right. I am praying to God and he will help me." Then a helicopter came by and even though they were on their way to a more "serious emergency", they hovered over the man and offered to help. The man replied, "No, that is ok. I am praying as hard as I can and God will help." A few minutes later his boat sank to the ocean floor and the man's spirit rose to heaven. When he approached God, he questioned him, "God, I was praying as hard as I could, but you chose not to save me, why?"
God replied, "I sent another boat and a helicopter, what more did you want me to do?!"
The reason I tell you this story is I believe this site is sent to you by GOD. You are among friends here. You are among people who "get it". People who day in and day out sacrifice, love deeply, help unconditionally, and wear themselves down for OTHERS. In my opinion, we need to start looking out for NUMBER ONE.....ourselves. The list of priorities it seems to be for you.... GOD is first, YOU are second, and YOUR MOM is third.
Remember the rule on the plane when you are with a small infant. The captain lets you know....."Put your OWN airmask on FIRST and THEN assist your infant." The thought of this is so obvious for other times in life. YOU need the mask FIRST, then your mom, and then............maybe the young child who seems to be getting a rough start to life by having this slefish, lazy mom and a Dad who turns to alcohol under stress. Oh joy.
STOP putting your daughter in law first, your son second, maybe your grandchild third, your mom fourth and YOURSELF fifth!!!!
Photcopy all these posts that are writing DIRECTLY to YOU. Make the words HUGE. Put them up on your dresser mirror. on your bathroom mirrow. on your visor in your car.
GET MOVING TO CHANGE YOUR SITUATION!!! In one year.... it will be SO COOL to have YOU writing to others on this site about their situation and you are able to give advice to THEM on how you did it! How you changed YOUR LIFE from decades of taking care of others and how you decided to put GOD first, Yourself second and your mom third! Wonderful things are bound to happen!!!!
Peace and good thoughts to you and your mom!