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I am so distraught. I want to run far away from this place. My son and his girl friend, and baby live with me in my mother's home. The girl friend is very disrespectful and unemployed. She will not help me with any housework and goes behind me to report any arguments we have to my son while he is at work. This stresses him out and he calls and abuses me to leave girl friend alone. I am trying to care for mother solo and get no help from my older brother. My son will help out once in a while.but resorts to drinking when he is under duress. I feel like I have no one to turn to except God who seems quiet while all this is going on. Usually I have a pretty good grip on life but it is starting to wear me down. Additionally, I take antidepressant and anxiety medicine but does not seem to be helping me much. I suppose I just need to vent because this website and caregivers are so compassionate and understand what the reality is behind caregiving and dysfunctional families. Thank you for listening and God Bless you as you face your own challenges.

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Ismiami has a solution that 's seems excellent. It will take time and effort and a lot of fortitude, but then everyone has to stand on their own.

Good luck with this problem that resembles so many others in the community. Please keep coming back to check answers and received support. As mentioned above, no one can fix your problems, but we can sympathize and give our opinions.
Take care,
Carol
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Dear Glornorth59,
There is a story that goes like this:
A man was on a boat and it started to sink. He prayed and prayed for God to save him. Another man who had a better boat come by and offered to help. He told this new guy, "No. I will be all right. I am praying to God and he will help me." Then a helicopter came by and even though they were on their way to a more "serious emergency", they hovered over the man and offered to help. The man replied, "No, that is ok. I am praying as hard as I can and God will help." A few minutes later his boat sank to the ocean floor and the man's spirit rose to heaven. When he approached God, he questioned him, "God, I was praying as hard as I could, but you chose not to save me, why?"
God replied, "I sent another boat and a helicopter, what more did you want me to do?!"
The reason I tell you this story is I believe this site is sent to you by GOD. You are among friends here. You are among people who "get it". People who day in and day out sacrifice, love deeply, help unconditionally, and wear themselves down for OTHERS. In my opinion, we need to start looking out for NUMBER ONE.....ourselves. The list of priorities it seems to be for you.... GOD is first, YOU are second, and YOUR MOM is third.
Remember the rule on the plane when you are with a small infant. The captain lets you know....."Put your OWN airmask on FIRST and THEN assist your infant." The thought of this is so obvious for other times in life. YOU need the mask FIRST, then your mom, and then............maybe the young child who seems to be getting a rough start to life by having this slefish, lazy mom and a Dad who turns to alcohol under stress. Oh joy.
STOP putting your daughter in law first, your son second, maybe your grandchild third, your mom fourth and YOURSELF fifth!!!!
Photcopy all these posts that are writing DIRECTLY to YOU. Make the words HUGE. Put them up on your dresser mirror. on your bathroom mirrow. on your visor in your car.
GET MOVING TO CHANGE YOUR SITUATION!!! In one year.... it will be SO COOL to have YOU writing to others on this site about their situation and you are able to give advice to THEM on how you did it! How you changed YOUR LIFE from decades of taking care of others and how you decided to put GOD first, Yourself second and your mom third! Wonderful things are bound to happen!!!!
Peace and good thoughts to you and your mom!
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My only solution is that it is time for everyone to stand on their own feet. Your son is employed and has a child accompanied by a woman he's not legally committed to except through the child. Are they paying the bills or something? I wondered why you tolerated this if she is not pulling together as family. Talk to son and tell him it is time for him to start building his own life with his family.
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Advise son that for the benefit of all family relationships it is best if he attends AA and moves out. Sounds like he hooked up with a lazy gal, but sounds like he is in need of some self improvement himself if he has a drinking problem. They are both adults, they need to deal with their choices and consequences. Give him a reasonable deadline and stick to it.
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I'm a bit confused. You posted a few days ago with a post titled "Can I turn over power of attorney to my 29 year old son to continue caring for my critically ill Mom? " and received a lot of good responses on that specific issue. I'm assuming that you recognized only your mother can change or execute a new DPOA and that you at least for the time being are still the primary one caring for her.

That being said, it's still your responsibility and apparently the son and GF aren't going to participate. The next issue is what do you do about that?

This post raises the same questions as in the first post, i.e., that of family members sponging off you, not pulling their own weight and treating you with various levels of disrespect. The 2 answers thus far from Eyerishlass and JesseBelle also address the dysfunctional arrangement as well as your participation in it.

While I don't intend to be cruel, I think the real questions are what are you going to do to change the situation, as only you can change your role and your attitude toward the spongers in the family. You really need to put your foot down and evict these two irresponsible adult kids. Your DPOA should have terms that allow you to do that. If you have to, contact the local police and ask them for help in evicting the spongers.

This site is good for venting, but you do have to take control of your own situation because it won't change otherwise.

This is your mother's house - what is her position on all this? The fracas can't be helpful to her. As her primary caregiver, you have to think of what's the best for her and it's not the current situation.

Good luck, and I hope you find the courage to address all of your concerns, today, now, and find some peace in your life. Again, I don't intend to sound cruel, but it disturbs me to see someone in an abusive situation. This needs to change for the benefit of both you and your mother or you're going to need your own caregiver.

If your son and the live-in GF won't help, then tell them to find a place of their own. If they're old enough to produce a child, they're old enough to take responsiblity for their own lives.

Don't be a doormat for an irresponsible son and his GF.
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Lots of good advice here. Another option? Sell moms house, use the proceeds to find a 2BR apt for you and mom to live in on your own. Others can find their own arrangements. Don't buy anything, just lease. ThAt way you can put plenty in reserve for moms care going forward.

Current living situation seems toxic.
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So it's mom's house and she needs you as a caregiver but your son, who drinks, only helps out occasionally because he finds caregiving too stressful and his baby mama, who has no job, slobs around the house all day and calls your son to tattle tale on you.

There are too many competing dysfunctions in this house. Why can't Baby Mama get a job so they can move out?

Keep your head down and focus on your task at hand: caring for your mom. Live and let live when it comes to son and Baby Mama. Try lowering your expectations regarding the Baby Mama. You know that she has no desire to clean the house so don't expect her to. Should she be helping out especially since she is unemployed? Of course. But we can't always count on people to do the right thing and expecting them to can lead to frustration and resentment on our part.

This is enough to wear anyone down. What changes are you willing to make?
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My son and his girlfriend live with us in MY house where I care for Mom. He does help with Mom, running errands and setting her clock and things like that. He and his girlfriend cook and leave pots, pans, dishes (eat all my food) and trash for me. I am unhealthy and have enough to do! We finally sat them down after telling them they need to clean up own mess didn't have much impact. They live here for $40 a week which we save for them but they don't know that. I finally told them good luck finding a place for $160 mo including his smart phone, WiFi, electric, cable, food, animal food, etc... They are going to need LUCK because if they don't start helping with at the very least their OWN mess, I am on board with my husband to have them move out. We are doing them the favor and they do owe us something in return! Taking care of Mom is a lot less stressful when I don't have all their stuff to take care if too! ( girlfriend doesn't work but no baby, and I do have a great relationship with her) Baby mama can't work with baby? Then she can work for her supper at home, cleaning, helping you, whatever! Tell them if you want to live here it will cost you $XX or you will need to do this, this, this and that every day to earn your living! If it gives you a little hope.. His girlfriend did their dishes twice, folder their cloths and son has cleaned up his grossness in bathroom! Its only been a few days!!! Try it. And if they say we are getting our own place, say OK. I found its a threat we know they can't afford and they have nowhere to turn after a threat like that so stick to my way or highway! Good luck. I know these things are easier said than done but the people on this site have some great advice and I have listened to them and it has made thing a little easier!
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Listen...forget the trying to reason with son & lazy girlfriend..your not setting the rules from the start has allowed this disrespect to flourish in your home. I care for my 92 yr old mom but made sure I moved in apt with her and opted not to live in my childrens homes or my mothers apt precisely to avoid any conflicts and my having to deal with others while trying to care for my mother. YOU NEED TO CALL THEM OUT ...NO SCREAMING, NO BLAMING, . Set up meeting right away..spell out new rules for them and give them warning that if things you have on list of to do daily are not done from that day forward, they will have to move out! Make it clear to them both you mean business! Emphasis that you will not tolerate any further disrespect from either of them and if need be will get authorities involved as your mother has rights as well...this all borders on elder abuse!! Finally, ask yourself...is this what you can expect from your son if you should grow old and sick and need him to care for you?? Respect yourself, respect your mothers home, don't let them bully you and life for you will be what it should...peaceful, healthy and free of toxic behavior! In the long run your son will get hold of his own problems and do what a man is suppose to do...stop being a victim, you are part of the problem...stand up for yourself and your mother! I did, no one tells me or my mom how to live! Good luck and remember you are in charge...they are young let them find their own way..it is time!" God helps those who help themselves!".
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You are responsible for your problems. Whatever reason you convince yourself to not kick your son and girlfriend out isn't justifiable. You are doing your son a huge disservice. He needs to man up but how can he when he can manipulate momma into sponging off her? Sorry to sound harsh but I was there once and when I finally grew my own set of balls and kicked him out on the spot- a huge weight immediately lifted. Sure- he was angry and pulled his guilt bag of tricks out on me but oh well- and guess what miracle happened? I landed on my feet and was stress relieved! No more pills to sleep. I made the son become a man and realize how selfish and irresponsible it was of me to let a man, my son, cause me emotional abuse. So- bottom line my dear is all the problems you wrote you are creating and you can fix it with BYE. GET OUT OF GODS WAY- God can't do a thing because you are Gods hands and voice and you aren't listening. Your son and the problems won't magically fix. God says EVICT him and then let go and let God. Best of luck.
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