Family heartbreak. Any suggestions for handling the situation?

It is not unusual for someone with Dementia to forget who people are. My sister would know who you were one day and then forget the next.

The BEST thing for him to do is to come more often. If there are photos of the family all together and your brother included he could show them to her. Talk about the things you did when you were all younger and keep reminding her of who you are.

Tell your brother he can still be a part of her life even if she does not always remember him ...it is the because of the disease and try to understand that she still needs him too.

People change a lot in 20 years. Get your brother's pictures from earlier ages that she will recognize and pictures from the last 20 years to help her "catch up." Make a scrap book with easy captions for each picture ("Bob," your son, playing ball.) Show her the book often. Eventually, she may ask for him. Hopefully, he will be willing to visit then.

Perhaps use this time to re-establish a relationship with your brother if you want that. Mom may never recognize him again and if he doesn't want to see her, there is no benefit to trying to force or guilt him. But if you desire a relationship with him, use this as a chance and take it. If he replied courteously to your text, I would take that as a sign to mean he may well want the same thing. Offer to meet him for coffee, if you can, and then use the time to catch up on your own lives. Or if he isn't local keep in touch by text and offer to talk on the phone.

Due to several deaths in my family the last few years, I've found that they have actually served as a gateway to re-establishing relationships (a funeral home viewing is really just a bleak family reunion after all). There wasn't any kind of fight or disagreement, but as so often happens people just drift apart until you realize one day that you haven't talked to the person for two years. Time isn't doing any of us any favors as we get older, so make the most of the opportunities given to you now.

You sound like a person with a tender heart that your mom and brother both are lucky to have in their lives.

I would be surprised if she DID recognize him! How would she recognize him when she don’t see him for so long? My 95 year old mother with dementia knows & recognizes me because she sees me every day. My brother hasn’t been to visit for 6 months. He stays 10 or 15 minutes & if she’s agitated, just leaves. If she asks same question over & over, he just leaves. I wish I could leave too. But I don’t. I feel for you, but you have company with same situation.
Hugs 🤗

My sister lives across the country and hadn't seen Dad in several years. I arranged for her boys to come for annual summer visits in an effort to give her a break and to ensure they knew their family in this part of the country.

Dad continued to recognize my sister in pictures, and he knew the boys were his "grandsons". But he hadn't seen them together in years, not since they were babies/toddlers. One day he asked me - "Who's their mother?" It broke my heart that he was unable to make the connection between them and their mother/my sister, but I just had to make peace with it. She was the one who hadn't made the effort to stay in touch.

YOU can't fix it. I like the suggestion to try to use this as an opportunity to re-connect with your brother. That's a place there might be something you can do. Or help Mom to remember who he WAS. She doesn't know him now.

Quite simply--it's not your fault! If he hadn't seen her for many years, it's understandable that she did not recognize him. You've done your best!