Family heartbreak. Any suggestions for handling the situation?

Perhaps it's best that you just let it be, as if your mother doesn't know who he is,(because it's been so long since she's seen him and because if her dementia)it won't really matter if he visits her or not anyway, as she won't remember that he was there or not. Just like she probably doesn't remember when you come to visit either, even though she may still know who you are.
Or if he changes his mind and decides he wants to visit again, tell him to just introduce himself with his name and that he's her son when he walks into her room. That might be helpful for them both.

I was estranged from my mother for over 20 years, and when she was on her death bed, I walked into the room where she lay, and she asked me who I was. I just responded with my first name, and she just said "oh." It didn't bother me that she didn't recognize me, as it had been a long time since she'd seen me.
And even though I had made peace with my extremely dysfunctional childhood, and my parents many years earlier, for my mental health, I chose to distance myself from both my parents.

So give your brother his space and let him decide what is best for himself.

Perhaps brother is just feeling hurt and furious of not being recognized without understanding real reason behind it?
I imagine, it will be hard to recognize people after 20 years, add dementia probably almost impossible even to remember.
Let him be and email again in few days/ weeks.
You should not be so hard on yourself, it is not your fault.

My friend, too, had to put her mom into care.

The mom had always preferred her son, but he was the first one she failed to recognize. After that it was the daughter. Toward the end, the only one the mom recognized was the daughters husband.

You can’t argue with dementia. Once it gets to this point there’s nothing really to be done.

It’s upsetting to see a parent like that. I don’t know if my mom knows me but I go there because I want to see her and miss her. During Covid she was angry and would yell every time I visited her because she didn’t think I ever came to see her. But I had to rise above it and do it because I knew even if she didn’t remember i knew i came Your brother should do it for himself. As long as she isn’t agitated.

Not a thing. He stayed away 20 years and then was surprised she didn't recognize him. What was he expecting?

What did he expect? Sounds like it is all about him, not her.

Don't worry about it, you have enough stress already.

DO? What do you think you could do? She doesn't know him, and that might even have been tough had she not had dementia.

Twenty years is a long time, and while I don't know what the issue was between them, clearly he wasn't difficult to find. Could this estrangement have been repaired sooner than this? Who knows, but I assume he knew where to contact her, and you clearly knew how to contact him. Seems a shame that folks let their issues simmer until it's too late to do anything about it.

I guess all you can do is try harder not to be estranged from people if you actually do care about them.

I can show u a picture of my brother from high school then and now and he looks nothing like he did then. In his 30s he had gotten bald and picked up a lot of weight.

One thing is that someone with Dementia not only loses their short-term memory but they lose their long-term after a period of time. Mom may not recognize an older version of your brother but if you show her a picture of a younger version, she may. Your brother cannot expect his Mom to recognize him after 20 yrs. My Mom only talked about 2 of her children, youngest my brother and me the oldest who lived near her. My sister died 20 yrs before Mom and my other brother visited about once a year and she never talked about them. I think needs to be explained to the brother.

There won’t be a next time. I won’t be back. It’s too upsetting seeing her like that."

I wonder if it's occurred to him, that it's hard for you to see her like that, too? People with a sense of duty push through those feelings. (as you have)

That said, I think others here have had some good ideas, don't give up on him visiting her, after he's cooled down. (for your Mom's sake, if nothing else)

(I would have been tempted to reply - 'It's hard for me to see you, like this, I thought you cared about someone besides yourself')

Must be nice to have that option. 20 years, I'm surprised YOU recognized him.

My dad passed away with ALZ 12 years ago. I’m now taking care of mom with ALZ. Towards the end, I believe my dad thought I was just one of the aides at the facility even though I visited him every day. My brother said he couldn’t stand to see dad that way so only visited him briefly twice in the last 18 months of his life. He’s now the same with my mom. I see mom every day, twice a day and there are days now when my mom recognizes me but is not quite sure who I am, but other days knows me immediately. I gave up on the anger I felt towards my brother years ago. He has to live with the choices he makes. He has the same opportunities to see her as everyone else. As caregivers, we have to focus on the daily reality that dementia is a cruel and heartbreaking disease as we continue our heartfelt desire to travel the path alongside our loved ones. We can’t carry the burdens of other people’s choices. Just focus your energies and emotions on your mom and her happiness.

My mom recognizes people she sees often. Even new people in her life. Repetition and consistency is important. My brother drops in with mom on Alexa weekly and talks about the things she knows. So he brings up stories of the past and she enjoys this. Don’t give up.

Your brother hasn't seen his mother with dementia in 20 yrs and he is shocked that she doesn't recognize him? Even if she didn't have dementia, most folks change quite a bit in 20 yrs.

I don't think there is a thing you can do other than maybe mail your brother some books on dementia and maybe a book or two on how not to be estranged from his family.

I see my mom all the time and she doesn't know who I am. Dementia is ugly and that first shock that they no longer recognize you is pretty devastating.

There really isn't anything YOU can do. You don't mention why there was no contact for 20 yrs. Is your brother going to start calling you now that you have made the first move in calling him? If you are never going to hear from him again, I wouldn't worry about it.

One reason why I wanted to visit my mother frequently (she had advanced dementia) was that I didn't want her to forget me. Eventually she did decline and didn't recognize me as her daughter, but she recognized me as someone familar. It is very difficult to deal with not to be recognized by a parent and to see a parent in such a state, and your brother probably feels some guilt and pain for having waited too long to visit her. If he cannot accept her and deal with the grief of what she is now, and it may be different from day to day, perhaps it is better for him not to visit her. Don't push it with him. Just be there for him and ask him if he wants occasional updates about your mother. It's not going to get better.

You have handled the situation admirably. 20 years and dementia easily can cause your Mom to have no recognition of him. Really, nothing can change what her illness has done. He may or may not understand what dementia is or does. Maybe reach out to him and ask how he is doing. Ask if he has any questions. The solid truth is she may not recognize YOU a month from now.

20 years is a long time and guilt can make it feel like forever, but the fact that he made the effort to see her is good. Had she not be dealing with memory issues, would your Mom be happy to see him?

There are so many factors here that is no "best" answer. But healing the distance between you and your brother can be the blessing in all of this.

I wish you all the best.

Is there a reason why he has stayed away for 20 years? She hasn’t seen him, doesn’t know him anymore so there is no relationship to build on. Her memory of him is gone. Not surprising. Dementia patients forget quickly therefore you can expect them to forget you if they don’t see you regularly.

20yrs is probably pushing it a little but had she seen pics of him throughout that 20yrs?

When my mum is forgetting someone, we backtrack to what she does remember with photos. Then we slowly move forward from that and it somehow triggers her memory.

Ie my brother just passed recently and while she is aware of this, she made a comment that he was just a young boy. When I said, “no, he was over 50’ she looked confused. I then got out photos of him from when he was little and we gradually moved forth until the most recent pic. Each picture triggered something as we’d talk about things associated to that time. Then she could suddenly remember him as he were and his bad leg etc.
the same goes for houses. Earlier she couldn’t remember we came to our current city first time 20yrs ago and all the different places we lived. I asked her what does she remember and we slowly moved forward from that. Before you knew it, she could remember her latest places of residence.

Not sure if this would work with your mum and it takes a lot of time / it can be forgotten again the next day or week or whenever the brain decides BUT it does bring my mum back to discuss for that moment.

I’m guessing with 20yrs gone, there were perhaps amends needing to be made/closure? And he is upset as this was not achieved and he was too late? This is him also feeling upset about himself.

All the very best! And hope your brother can give it another go.

You might not like what i have to say but feel it's got to be said.
First, I'm not understanding due to lack of more info on your part.
Second, Don't you think if he wanted to talk to you all, he would have done it in the last 20 years?
Third, Did you really expect her to recognize him after 20 years??
Fourth, If you didn't care enough to speak with him and he didn't speak to you, for the last 20 years, then what is your reasoning behind getting in touch with him other than to possibly make you happy for him to come see her, which he did.
Fifth, Now he's made it very clear he will not be back which sounds like it made you very unhappy. It seems to me like you stirred the pot, and now there's nothing you can do about it except leave him alone.
Sixth, If he's interested enough to call and if you're interested enough to speak to him, then hopefully your rift can be mended.
At this point, I'd leave him alone unless he's asked for updates, which you haven't mentioned either. You've already got enough on your plate... let it go.
Good luck to you!

What did who do to begin the alienation process? Ask this question and you will probably find the answer to yours.

He should know that the more he visits, the more she will come to recognize him.

Even if she doesn't know exactly who he is, she will begin to know that he is a loved-one, if he comes often and shows her love.

He should visit his mom for HER sake, and forget about his own discomfort.

Nothing else for you to do. Ask him if he wants any updates on Mom and just be there for him should he need you.
20 years is a long time and not sure who did what to whom but.......... it is water under the bridge now. You have done an admirable job of caring for your Mom and brother has somewhat missed the boat. You can't help him. He must help himself.

He should have come by more often.

I am so sorry for you because now you are mediating between your mother and your brother.

Regardless of past history between your mother and your brother, your mother did not recognize your brother because of dementia and the length of time he was away. On the other hand, because your brother has stayed away so long, he will have a very hard time conversing with her. It sounds like his excuse of "It's too upsetting.." was just a practical way to not visit. It is okay.

My sister, who my Mother adores, lives in a different state. My mother cannot recognize my sister on weekly video conference calls. Not only that, my Mother is plain rude to her (in my eyes) whenever she does talk to her. Ironically, my mother recognizes and dotes on my sister's daughter, who doesn't visit or call. My Mom just lights up when she hears that my sister is visiting, however, cannot recognize her when she first comes for a visit. Once the visit starts, my Mom really enjoys being with my sister. After 2 days, she recognizes my sister by sight. My sister knows it is the dementia.

As for the conversation, my sister has the "gift of gab". She asks my Mom about previous events. She asks my Mom what she had for lunch. When my sister visits, she shows pictures of her and my Mom, the family, and the kids. My Mom doesn't recognize the younger daughter that my sister has, just the older one. My sister has to "carry" the conversation. This is very difficult to do for some people, like me.

Because your brother has been away, he will have a very hard time making conversation with your Mom. Yes, it is upsetting to see someone after not seeing them for 20 years.

You don't say how good the relationship is between you and your brother. If you have a really good relationship, I would suggest that you start sharing everything your Mom does or likes with him (you don't need to share the hurtful things). If you have pictures of your Mom and your brother, show it to both of them. Explain who the people in the picture are. If your brother feels like resuming the relationship, these tidbits will allow him to build a relationship.

However, if he does not have a good relationship with you or he doesn't want to hear about your Mom, leave them both in peace. You have done your part in getting them back together. It is up to him to take the next steps, with both you and your Mom.

you've really done what you can do - the rest is up to your brother. Take care of yourself. See an elder care attorney to make sure the necessary paperwork is in place {POAs for health and finances]. You might also talk with counselor/church minister/dept. of aging staff to help you deal with this. The only other suggestion is to talk or write to your brother, that it is really about how he wants to leave things -there is really not much to do for her. and you never know sometimes some memories can return even if only briefly.

"Should" is a dreadful word and doesn't get you anywhere. He "should" be stronger; he "should" come to visit more often; he "should" this or that. However, that's not the reality. Your message to him was just right. You've done all you need to do.

Good Evening,

It's big of you to make contact with your brother. He showed up. Everyone has a prodigal son in the family and is greeted with open arms.

Some people cannot handle what you can. And when they say I can't bare to see Mom like that, it is what it is. It means they won't be back or they just can't handle it or perhaps they can't forgive themselves.

It's never too late. You are a good daughter, sister and probably a Christian.

People mature, change, can have regrets and conversions on their death bed. But you my Sister handled this perfectly! Nothing more needs to be done. Amen...

You can't do anything other than to be there for him when he needs you.
Keep him informed as things progress, do not expect a reply. You can ask if he wants updates though.
If he has not seen her in 20 years in his mind he "sees" her as he did the last time he saw her. So to see someone that is 20 years older, and cognitively declined is a shock. You obviously have seen the decline in 20 years so it is sad but not a shock. She "recognizes" you because you have been there she knows you are a safe person, she may know you are her daughter or just a nice person she sees a lot.
He is going through 20 years of grief in a nano second. Give him a bit of time.

I feel the heartbreak as well❤️‍🩹 At this point you’ve done all within your power to do. I would just keep him updated on her condition periodically and place some family pictures in her room… you never know, one day she may recognize him and then you can call him!
I can relate a little as my mom forgot my name… but I’m the optimistic one and I also take the light side of situations… so since she never spoke my name again, when I asked mom what’s my name… she always responded with you know you’re “that girl”😊 so until her death I was “ that girl” and that was alright with me💕 my spirit and soul accepted that! So I say to you as well don’t allow her decline to be heavy on your heart… go with the flow and enjoy whatever conversation she may come up with.. there will be some lucid( hopefully ) and some wayyyy left field… but just enjoy her…. Wishing you the best outcome!❤️

This is not all that unusual.

Although my mother (and MIL, for that matter) both LOUDLY proclaim that 'family is everything', neither one of them knows all their grandchildren and neither one of them knows ANY of their great grandkids. My son comes to town occasionally and never bothers to go see either grandmas as, well, what's the point? The kids would be forced to stand on a rug while the adults talked. What kid wants to do that? My 17 yo gdaughter was just here and she asked me if my mother was still alive. I was not very surprised that she didn't know anything about her.

I used to feel sorry for the Gmas and then I realized they simply didn't have the memory tanks available to include all these people. I actually showed my mom some pics of my granddaughter and she asked "Who IS that?" Even when I told her, several times, she argued with me that it COULDN'T be the kid I said it was. I don't know why, obviously I know my own grands.

I don't mourn that loss. Partially, it's just getting older and partially it's by choice that they haven't WANTED relationships.

If it's that nasty dementia that's causing this--heartbreaking. If it's lack of interest--also heartbreaking.

Taylorb1: Quite honestly, there is nothing for YOU to DO. As your brother had gone incommunicado for two decades and then was stunned when mother did not recognize him, your mother's reaction was understandable.