Family has abandoned us. How can I force them to help?

True, Barb.

That’s more or less what I said. Just venting to his insults to me. I wished him well over and over, up until the last post. Still do hope he receives help no matter what his personality or position.

Should be mutual respect on both sides. He certainly didn’t respect me.

TRUCE!!!!

Folks are allowed to come here, expecting to get approbation for the view that they have of their situation. I came here, nearly a decade ago, expecting just that.

Some folks, when they get pushback from the neat little story they've told, and get told to look at the situation from a different angle, react with anger and virtriol.

Other folks, seeing that they are getting a different take on what they thought was the truth, decide to stick around and sometimes get their world view shaken up a bit. And emerge wiser.

Don't bash the OP. He can't hear what we're saying. The kids won't help. He sounds desperate. We could probably lead him to better, non-family resources, but like many folks, he's been groomed to think that you should stay away from "official" resources and rely only on family. That is the choice of people who make that choice.

Let's just let him move on. All the best to you, ERwash.

erwash,

Indeed, as you said in your insulting reply to me, it may be time for you to move on. Why participate in a forum if you won’t allow anyone to ask questions? We expressed our concerns to you. You were giving confusing, vague answers. Help yourself by finding a good therapist to speak with. This means a two way conversation, not a monologue from you or you shutting down and not speaking. The therapist has a right to question anything they need you to clarify. Please be honest and answer them so they can help you.

Looks like I hit a nerve with you even after explaining what I meant and that tells me a lot. If you spoke to your children the way you responded to me. your kids most likely did not abandon you, you may have chased them away with a nasty, know it all attitude. How sad for them.

Children are a gift. Parents are blessed to have them just as much as children are blessed to have their parents. Nevertheless, your children owe you nothing!

I appreciate the wisdom of worriedinCa, NY, isthisreallyreal, Barb, JoAnn and many, many others on this forum and they are welcome to question me and even disagree with me, but they have never insulted me and continue to show respect to me as well as others.

I don’t care if you claim to have two masters or even a PhD, it doesn’t mean that you know everything. Learning is a lifelong journey that doesn’t end with a masters degree.

I have a good education but honestly there are people with very little education that have amazing wisdom. There are some things that simply can’t be learned out of a book!

Best of luck to you, certainly looks like you need it.

You would do well to learn some humility. Do yourself a favor and find a good book and read up on it. Yes, that was meant to be sarcastic. I have enormous compassion but cross a line and the compassion goes out of the window!

By the way, NO ONE was dumping on you! Just trying to help. EVERYONE has something valid to bring to the table. Some are direct, some are indirect, whatever...all of us deserve respect.

I meant not answering any questions, he has responded but with nastiness and ignorance. He is the only one that knows anything so none of us can be of any help.

He got ugly with my response, but I knew he would. The truth makes people mad.😀

Isthisreallyreal,

OP replied by insulting me. You can see it if you read his reply to one of my postings. He spoke his mind loud and clear. He obviously has problems. So sad.


Most likely, his kids didn’t walk away but ran away as fast as they could. Can’t say that I blame them by the way he spoke to me. Poor kids.

Yep, no answers from OP, but he is still the only one that knows anything.

Must be a sad, lonely world to have to deal with mere mortals all the time.

Like other posters I too believe there are two sides to every story. For whatever reason he chose not to give any information. I’m sure that there is a story there. Maybe I have no concept of extreme levels of wealth, but I don’t think the wife’s kids and grandchildren have unlimited funding. I do know from the endowments I’ve worked with as an accountant there is usually a way to ask for funding - even if the endowment is funded to an individual. All endowments donate a certain amount of money for good causes. And from an accounting and tax perspective a trust would be most beneficial. I’m sure the poster would tell me I’m uninformed. I think (don’tknow) that this person probably didn’t plan for old age and illness.

I just googled social workers for the elderly in Florida and over a dozen resources popped up! If he logs back in I will remind him that help is available. If he says the confusing things he did before then I will continue to be baffled. As I said before, I wish him well. I don’t believe anyone felt any animosity towards OP, just confused trying to figure out his circumstances. We were simply inquiring about his situation and offered suggestions that may have been helpful for he and his wife.

I’ve reread everything and I must be a Pollyanna but I still don’t sense a scammer. His wife is 87. He’s possibly 90! This is not some spry baby boomer just retired and in command of his physical and mental abilities. He’s the stubborn grandfather everyone here complains about...except he’s the caregiver trying to navigate the system. Again, if he’s still following, my advise to him is revisit his doctor and pay heed to his advise. .

Here's how I Iook at this situation. If this man is going to lose everything. They are living in poverity. No food on the table. Then the children should have a responsibility to help financially, especially if they have the money to do so. But...there is a reason why they don't.

I agree with one poster, this is a scammer looking for a hand out. He has shot down every suggestion that has been given him. You cannot tell me there are no resources in Fla. And he hasn't replied since posters have started to question him.

Now, I have a friend that does the same thing. Shoots down everything you suggest. After getting blamed by leaving a nasty message for not keeping her in the loop about something I knew nothing about, I have chosen not to talk to her until I get an apology. (She left me a message and ignored my call back and text to tell her I didn't know what she was talking about. Oh, when I tried to leave a message, her VM was FULL)

So this is either a scammer or a person who is never satisfied. There is a reason why children ignore parents.

cwille,

Forgive me if I came across as being judgmental or dumping on OP. I certainly didn’t mean it that way. Risks of posting, no one can see our expressions or hear tones in our voices. I apologize to OP and anyone else if I offended anyone. It is delusional to believe that absolutely no help is available. Or no social workers in Florida.

I wasn’t accusing him of having mental problems. Not dumping on him either. It just seems terribly confusing to me and several others on this thread. I wish he and his wife well. Have no idea what his situation is. He never fully explained it.

Other people receive help in Florida. I hope he finds the help he needs, whatever that is.

It appears as if he is confused. Many people get confused, young and old. We all have been confused about something in our lifetime.

I have sought help from a therapist before. If I needed medication I would take it. Many others have sought help, used medication for rough patches or certain conditions. There is no shame in that.

I suggested seeking getting mental help so he could possibly move forward. He’s apparently stuck. Many of us get stuck in certain areas. It is good to reach out. Most times it takes awhile to process everything. Nothing happens overnight.

If you have to force them to help it's probably not worth the effort ,if they have to do something with no good intentions they're not going to be compassionate about doing it. I personally wouldn't want someone that didn't want to help . Caregiving takes a caring, kind,loving person ,and the person being taken care of can sense a person's feelings,

erwash; I don't think that we have a full appreciation of your situation. And you haven't come back to explain some of the issues that we've asked about, which leaves some folks to speculate.

If you'd like solid advice, please come back. We care.

Hi Erwash, people on this site have lots of experience with parents dying in end stage of life. Perhaps if you could give more information about how you are 'slowly dying', we could give you more sympathy and helpful advice.

I've read the entire thread and I don't get why we are dumping all over this poster, there have been plenty of other people who have come to the forum with similar dysfunctional families and people have taken the time to walk with them step by step all the way despite their stubborn resistance.

erwash,

Are you having mental problems? Look up psychiatric help in your area and see if they can get the proper medication or treatment if you need it. You seem to be delusional. Have you suffered from mental health issues in the past? Get help. It’s out there if you really, truly want it, for both medical and mental health.

There is not a law that forces an adult to care for another, even parents. I would hire a home health aide to assist you and your wife instead.

It sounds like you are purposely making life more difficult than it needs to be. You've shot down every attempt by anyone who tries to give you advice. I refuse to believe that there are no competent or caring doctors in your area. You live in the old people capital of the world! I'm beginning to understand why neither your kids or her kids will help you. You're say you're running out of time. Then you should be a lot more agreeable to people trying to help.
I'm just going to throw this out there....if you're trying to scam someone online to send you money it's hopefully not going to work. The reason I brought this up is it's the only thing left that someone hasn't suggested. If I've offended you then good! Now you now that if you can piss people off in one day on a website God only knows what you put those kids through in 16 years.

Pennsylvania has filial responsibility laws. And, they are one of the few that actually try to enforce. It usually comes into play as part of the Medicaid application process.

Erwash, I’m so sorry you’re in this tough position. You obviously love your wife very much and want to do the best for her. How your relationship with the kids deteriorated, really doesn’t matter right now...the question is what can you do to convince (can’t force) them to help. You don’t say specifically what you want them to “help” with financially. They sound like accomplishd professionals, so I would suggest approaching this in a manner they may relate to. They may respond more to specifics than a general plead for help. Have you clarified for yourself what you need help with financially? Someone to sit with your wife while you run errands or to drive and accompany you to appointments? Someone to clean the house or mow the lawn? Help with groceries or medicine? Help paying the taxes so you can keep the house? Help with a maintenance issue? After you pinpoint what you need and how much it might cost one time or on an ongoing basis, I would suggest to write to each of them and tell them something specific. Maybe you could have a friend help you with the research of the cost of what you need?
Dear Dick and Jane,
I hope this letter finds you and the grandkids well. As you know Mom isn’t doing well and we are quickly depleating our resources with her care. We have applied and are receiving government assistance but our small pension of $_______ /month still leaves us really strapped and unable to __________. (Fill in the blank)
It would be such help if you could assist us with _________.
Love Mom and Pops.

They could throw it in the circular file, or respond. You never know but it might be an alternative approach to what you’ve tried.

You dont say say what the agencies you’ve contacted aren’t helping with...and of course they can’t help get money out of the kids. But I really want to implore you to heed the advice of medical professionals for her care. And for YOUR care too. Please talk to YOUR doctor about the situation and how YOU are. It must be very exhausting to try to navigate the “system”. And you probably have to schlep your wife to all the appointments, since you probably can’t leave her unattended. Makes me tired just thinking about it. Remember if you go down, she will have no one. My dear 90 year old friend who was taking care of his wife (similar kid situation as yours) ran himself ragged and passed away. Now she’s thriving in a nursing home.
Take care.

Here we are:

States with filial responsibility laws. Alaska, Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Indiana, Iowa, Kentucky, Louisiana, Massachusetts, Mississippi, Montana, Nevada (Nevada law only addresses support of children and not support of parents.

And as by "help" the OP means "pay," then unfortunately the short answer to the question is "you can't."

Would I be unkind or unfair to guess that you wish to keep your wife with you in your home and commission care and nursing services to support you as her primary caregiver?

And does this mean that you find it difficult to discuss what would, unfortunately, be a very expensive care plan with people who are keen to recommend alternative care plans?

That's an interesting assumption, Isthisrealyreal. There is definitely stuff erwash isn't telling us. I wonder what the truth is?

So I am going to make an assumption and make loads of people mad.

From er responses, he is the only one in the room that knows anything, he also stated that his wife's children have endowments, so that means their dad had money, financially set his children up for future and that means that he left his wife financially secure. If she has alienated her children by marrying the poster, it means they thought he was after her money. I say that because that is what he is now trying to do with them. You have it stepchildren and now I am entitled to force you to fork over anything I say we need, because no one, not even doctors know as much as me. So pay up and avoid a lawsuit, if I can figure out how to sue you. Mom is on Medicaid and poster obviously doesn't get a good pension or ss for that matter. Mom probably was a stay at home mom and 1st husband left her secure enough to not worry that she would run out of money, never considering that she would remarry and forfeit his ss benefits she received. Then enter husband #2 who blew through all of her financial future because, hey her kids have money and we will force them to pay up when she is broke. He just didn't bargain for healthy children that can set and enforce boundaries, but he won't know about those things.

Sounds like the wife isn't the only one with loss of executive function. When anyone believes that they are the only ones that know anything you are dealing with dementia and/or NPD. Terrible situation for the poor woman that can no longer make her own choices.

Seems like you have named the reason why nobody wants to help... You stated that your wife raised the children and grandkids, and now nobody wants to “repay the debt”. Wow. This says a lot about what life was like for them, and you.
If you live in an area where there is no “competent” help, then its’ on you to make changes to go where there is help. The family is under no obligation to become slaves to you now because you refuse to change or accept the help that is available. I don’t mean this to be harsh, but you need to wake up here.
I do wish you the best...

Why have they turned their backs on the two of you? Please elaborate.

I am not sure the OP is being difficult on purpose. When it comes to requesting and applying for help, all these government and bureaucracy red tapes are very confusing for most people, so for the OP being in his 80s, it's understandably easy to get confused and frustrated. He probably just throws up his hands and gives up when things get too confusing.

He and his wife need someone they can trust to guide them. I don't know who that could be at this point. Seems like his children as well as hers don't have a relationship with either of them. No mention of any one appointed as their Power of Attorney.

You can't force your children or grandchildren to help you. When family becomes estranged it can be very painful for everyone involved. All you can do is keep loving them and hope that they will come to return that love. In the mean time, you have to use what you have to help yourself. I see some great suggestions in the comments here for agencies to contact. What exactly do you want help with? I see in the comments you aren't finding what you want. What do you want?

ER, you sound angry and either nobody knows anything or they are not available or there are no services or the kids don't care. Maybe you need to listen to some of the resources and what they have to say. Do the kids also feel they don't know anything?

Maybe counseling would help you, but you would have to LISTEN to what they have to say.

You say you can’t afford respite care and your wife is on Medicaid. Good news-Florida Medicaid pays for respite care. You should contact Medicaid and arrange for respite care.

Parents make a choice to have children and make a choice of what level of involvement they want with grandchildren. They aren’t “forced” to do these things. These choices also do not create a “debt” to be repaid when they are older. Caring for elderly parents or supporting them financially is a choice for adult children or grandchildren to make.