Wife has 2 children (independently wealthy) and 5 grandchildren (all professional with good income). All have turned their backs on us. We are slowly dying without support. Do we have any recourse here?
This thread has been like a dark cloud. Usually there is a silver lining in a dark cloud if we look for it. Here is my silver lining that I see in this disturbing post, we are all going to die one day and when that time comes for me, I do not ever want to be as miserable as the OP seems to be! I will NEVER make my children feel like they OWE me anything. I am responsible for my life, not THEM.
We can be struggling through challenging circumstances and be sad or unhappy and still find joy in our hearts about something! I don’t ever want to leave this world looking at life in total misery because I don’t have everything I want like a spoiled child.
so sorry to here your problem. I have been there and you can not force anyone to help you in anyway. don't even waste your time trying. legally they can turn there back on you . so, your next step would be to seek advise from a senior lawyer who knows how to help you. If you cant afford the lawyer go to a local senior center or hospice if needed. There is help out there you just have to look for it. every state has help for seniors in so many ways. get it. I went thru this with my four sisters who didn't speak , call, or write in over thirty years. they didn't even go parents funerals. you need to accept the fact they will never be there and do what you need to do to help yourself. I would say my parents remembered my sisters in their wills leaving them one dollar for all of the love and care they gave my parents over the years. four girls and one dollar to be split among them. now whos laughing?
He wants money from his kids. He has no money. That’s what he is claiming. Don’t think he is concerned about leaving them anything. He is interested in collecting from them. Read the whole thread to get a clear picture.
I have the same situation. I've searched my actions and my character to find a reason. I've decided that I deeply offended his children by marrying their father, not being the kind of person they appreciated, and changing their lifestyle. (I met him 15 years after his divorce.) I was successful by bootstrapping it and, yes, following up on all known resources. It is very hard, but overcoming the resentment can allow you to live a reasonably happy life by being grateful for what you have. I don't mean to sound holier-than-thou.
I lost my father fourteen years ago and my mother eleven years ago. One cousin of mine did not attend either funeral nor send my sister and me a card. Thus, I had no other choice but to write her off. She is often seen in the area I live in; we both live in the same area now, but she will ignore me so I will ignore her right back
Sounds like second marriage. Can’t force kids/grandkids to chip in. They seem angry about something. Don’t count on them. Get in home care or ALF or SNF ...Elder Atty will help with everything. Good luck & hugs 🤗
My dad remarried in the 80's and I walked away from him for 30 years because his wife didn't want him to have anything to do with us kids - didn't want him to see us. He used to have to sneak out to make visits. Fast forward 30 years, I've been the primary 'go-to' for his care for the last 4 years and was awarded guardianship last fall because none of my other siblings wanted it. I would never do this to my kids. They have their own life. They owe me nothing. This is killing my marriage and I'm really considering handing this off to a professional guardian but my siblings would never forgive me. Let your kids have their life.
You mean those same siblings that dont want to help?! If they don't like your decisions, let THEM take over his care! No one has the right to ask you to sacrifice your life!
Your profile indicates you are in Vero Beach. There are abundant services for the aged in that area and throughout Florida. If they are all incompetent, uncaring, non-supportive, I suggest you review your expectations and your behavior when you meet these caregivers. They may be inundated because many seniors live and move here.
I think you should also objectively - if you can - read your own responses to the offers of help here. Maybe you're at wits' end - it's no picnic being of a certain age with few resources and the frustration of red tape - but your responses come off as being bitter and self-serving. I've been on this forum for a while and have never read of anyone puzzled as to why their children/family won't repay a "debt." If you lord "repayment of debt" over your wife's family or your own, you won't get anywhere.
I wish you and your spouse well, but know that a little kindness to those from whom you would ask for help will go further than judging them incompetent and uncaring. Or worse, owing you a debt.
With all due respect to the people that have multiple times told you it's your guys fault for grown adult not to give a crap about their mother, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. As someone who is the youngest child taking care of my mother by myself, and both of us have been abandoned by a selfish, well endowed brother and his children. Some people just don't want to be involved, or are scared to see their parent decline. I get NO help from them. No financial or any other type of support. No cards, no birthday or Christmas presents, no calls. Karma is all I can say. His children see how he treats his mother, that's how they will treat him. But you do need to be proactive and get to Medicare and Medicaid. Every state had some support. Alfs are not even a thought in my mind. That's not how I was brought up. Btw my brother was eating dinner at the same table with me and he would put her away if he could. I have tried multiple times to involved them. I opened up a caring bridge page so he could keep up with her life and he never went on it. YouI can't force them and if you could, do you really want these people in your life? You are the one chosen to care for her. You need to find the help. Go to church for support and advice. BUT DON'T THINK BAD FAMILY IS ANYONE'S FAULT BUT THEIR OWN.
Assuming you have some resources, spend it on your care, and to heck with any inheritance for the family.
If you can hire a "daughter" or "son" in the form of a private case manager, an advocate or a care manager. They are a great place to start because they can arrange everything else you need.
I can see why many of you believe erwash is a troll, but I'm not sure he is. Unfortunately his attitude is similar to what I experienced with my father during his vascular dementia. Dad grew up as the son of the town drunk (alcohol and phenobarbital) who would not support his family and heard often how he would never amount to anything. He took great pride during childhood in making the best marks at school, probably because it was the first place he could "win" over children from "better" families who were expected to amount to something. One month after his 15th birthday, Dad went to work supporting the family his father would not. Even while working full time, he got a GED and took selected college classes that could help him with work related tasks. His house was filled with books that he called opportunities to "learn from someone else's experience". He had a big chip on his shoulder all his life; the refusal to accept the voices that predicted he would never amount to anything would also become a refusal to accept warnings or advice from others. He considered himself "smarter than the average bear" and did do better financially with his 8th grade formal education than many of his complementaries did with completed high school and college educations. Because of his neglectful and abusive childhood home, Dad had paranoid personality disorder and never really trusted anyone. After every doctor visit, he came home and researched the prescriptions for the side effects - usually deciding not to take the medication or not take as much. He really thought he could make better medical decisions than any doctor. Dad went through dozens of doctors seeking someone "competent" and had liquidity problems in his later years, mostly because he would spent his money on "investments" before paying the monthly bills.
I think it's very possible that erwash has some form of dementia, maybe vascular like my father, on top of a life long personality disorder or other emotional dysfunction. He most likely really needs someone to interface with the SWs for him because his "style" is likely to demand a specific action/remedy and when someone tells him that specific option isn't available, label them incompetent and move on searching for someone who can deliver what he wants. Being insulting to the "incompetent" people who don't agree with him has become a coping method - nothing wrong with him, it's all those other people. Posters here may be able to give workable advice but it falls on deaf ears because OP is no longer capable of making reasonable compromises or dealing with the rules/requirements needed to get the needed help. Mostly likely all we can do is pray for him and his wife. Pray that when one of them comes in contact with a hospital SW, they will finally get some help.
Slowly dying how? Not to belittle, but seriously, we're all slowly dying. Can understand your feeling snubbed, but SOMEtimes maybe we need to look within to see if our own attitude, comments, behavior push people we want to help away. Others have said the similar: if you haven't learned the lesson yet, you can't force anyone to do anything they don't want to do if adults. You can however control your own estate and not include the family you feel has neglected you, though all doing well I'm sure it won't matter to them. So no recourse seems evident. Instead of looking for someone to blame and hold accountable, why don't you check into local resources that might exist to be of assistance in meeting your needs. Check with your local area agency on aging.
You said that perfectly. You are treated the way you treat other people. And Karma always prevails. No one owes anyone anything. And if this couple was good to family then the family would probably be there to help. He sounds self centered and only thinks of himself. There are services out there and in home care. Medicaid etc to help if they can’t afford it. I was close very close with my mother but her choice of men after I had warned her to her straight to the cleaners and wiped out this family’s inheritance from my grandparents that basically raised me . She is now sitting in the hospital and has been for two months awaiting a family home. Our relationship went out the window because he turned her against me and she tried to kick me out of my grandparents family trust home. Now she’s getting paid back for choosing him over her family. Not my fault I spent thousands on attorneys trying to warn her that alls this young creep wanted her for was her money. Good luck
I am sure that others have mentioned this but.. You can not FORCE anyone to help anyone. I don't know about you but I would not WANT help from someone that was FORCED to help me. Apply for Medicaid Get your wife in Memory Care if you can not take care of her.
Mr. erwash, your wife has two children independently wealthy and your point is? Are you expecting her children to care for you? I am sorry, I am trying to figure out here what the issue is. If you and your wife have no money or no plan in place to care for yourselves, then you need to seek resources for folks like yourselves...there are out there. Just think if there were no children or grandchildren what would you do?
This is a crazy post. I don’t believe the poster is that elderly as he would not be writing in the style he is. I think it’s click bait. This post should be removed. Truly it’s unbelievable as to be laughable. There are people who think it’s fun to just get people going. I bet this person is having a ball. None of it makes any sense.
I know what you mean and his postings do feel like he's baiting, I think "click bait" only applies when there is a link they are trying to get you to click on because they earn revenue for each person who does. Still I hear you but I still think this post and thread for the most part serve a purpose and can be helpful to some. There are likely more elderly out there who feel somewhat abandoned or resentful, deserved or not people are entitled to their feelings plus as we all know some of these diseases we talk about here often contribute to negative thoughts and frustration. So it doesn't really matter whether the OP is choosing to be difficult to see who get's riled up or if he is simply a guy in the second half of his life in a panic about how to help his wife and himself, what is important here is the response we all have to his stated issue and each other because others who are feeling panic or perhaps having some of these thoughts need to feel safe coming here to check themselves even if the majority of responses aren't what they hope to hear. So while I totally get the frustration with this OP and especially his response to peoples suggestions all we are doing by challenging him is feeding his purpose if indeed he is simply trying to get everyone's goat and frustrating him and ourselves more if he is truly looking for help and just can't hear it.
Oh my! I feel sorry for your wife as it appears that her care is being guided by someone who may also need guidance. Call 911 and have your wife admitted to a hospital for observation. A social worker there will provide you with options for her placement upon discharge. You do have options even though you prefer to think that everyone is incompetent.
I would be very concerned about the OP's wife. It sounds like he is not in a good place and is too distressed at the moment to take good advice. I hope it is possible for somebody to step in and take care of her.
I would advise him to contact her children (and his) and let them know the situation. They can then decide what to do. At the end of the day she is their mother. They may not like the man she married but that doesn't mean she should suffer. At this stage, depending on the OP's state of mind, anything they say or decide may override what he wants.
Parise--I, at least, don't quite understand what you are talking about, whom you are addressing or to whom you are referring. Would you please elaborate a bit? Thanks!
There needs to be a way, like individual posts, we can hit a report button on the original post to ask that it not be posted to. Plus us as posters are able to stop a post once we have an answer. I have seen a few where the poster has updated her post saying the problem is solved and people continue to post. And ones where the OP never posts or replies.
Good ideas Joann. I also wish there was a way to add a note when we report a post, so that we can explain why we are reporting it or why we think it should be removed or closed to new replies.
Some messages boards allow the original author mark their question/post as “solved” and the answer they chose as the solution is highlighted at the top of all the replies. Would be nice if there was a similar feature here.
This thread is bananas. Poster (OP) has repeatedly found fault with what is suggested to them, and in fact claims intellectual superiority and says they will go elsewhere to get better information suited for their superior mind and understanding.
One would think all that superior thinking would've led to a Google search on the topics that have been raised, such as filial responsibility laws.
Perhaps OP is suffering from mental disorder, perhaps they are a troll, perhaps they are as-represented and simply very entitled and smug.
Either which way, I'm calling it now: this thread is a Dumpster Fire. It doesn't quite meet the criteria to be Bait, and it's not CopyPasta, nor is it a Sh*tpost. It's Dumpster Fire. :-)
Trying to bring some humor into this and put in perspective. I love you folks and don't like to see energy expended on taking someone seriously when they have shown they don't deserve that. Agree with Margaret -- this is for wry laughs only at this point. I wish OP the best.
Perhaps I have a ‘different’ sense of humour, but I found Erwash’s posts really funny from the first one. And they got funnier as we learned more about his assessments of everyone else and also himself. He really needs a mirror! Finding a way to reply ‘helpfully’ was a real challenge! Yes it is possible that the bloke is on the level and simply cannot see how he presents himself. Now he is “extremely disappointed with the level of intelligence/experience in this forum and as a person with 2 masters degrees I will now move on to hopefully something more in tune with my level of intellect and understanding.” Erwash, I’d love to know the nature of your undergraduate and masters degrees (psychology???), and I hope that you will report back to us about where you find ‘something more in turn with your level of intellect’. My experience as a long standing Mensa member is that their level of intellect, qualifications and sense of humour is pretty much like most of the regular posters on this site. Good luck, mate!
Best answer yet! Love it. Totally laughable!!!🤣. Yes, he needs tons of luck and apparently money too. His family doesn’t want anything to do with him either. Gee, I wonder why!
Endowments for individuals are very unusual. Trusts are a much better instrument for individuals or a family. I work as an accountant (CPA) for several individuals and families. The only endowments I have experience with are a small museum and a private school.
I wondered if ERwash was an immigrant. Different cultures have very different views on what children should do to support their family. He might also have a very different view of what swimming in money is. I've not heard of kids getting endowments. I am familiar with trust funds. Money from a trust fund can be closely regulated for very long time indeed. Well into a child's majority, like until they are in their 60's. Or even longer if there is a "spend thrift" or disabled clause.
Ok, I think his reply to Needhelp said he was leaving which I think he did. I think he was a Troll. A short definition on internet...
"troll is a person who starts quarrels or upsets people on the Internet to distract and sow discord by posting inflammatory and digressive, extraneous, or off-topic messages"
As soon as I read his response to Needhelp, I was pretty sure he was one. If not, we now know why his kids don't help him. He has always thought himself above us mere mortals. So everyone was probably just waiting for him to be pushed off that Pedestal he has put himself on.
My BIL has a PHD, worked for U of M as a professor for 25 yr and makes 6 figure pension. So this mans PHD should have made him some money.
I don’t feel I was wrong to stand up for myself. I have always taught my children to stand up for themselves and it saved my daughter from continuing in an abusive relationship. Thank God she didn’t marry the guy!
It’s who I am. I’m going to defend myself if I am insulted or attacked. I am not a rude person by nature. I show compassion and mercy to those who deserve it and will continue to do so.
We can be struggling through challenging circumstances and be sad or unhappy and still find joy in our hearts about something! I don’t ever want to leave this world looking at life in total misery because I don’t have everything I want like a spoiled child.
or hospice if needed. There is help out there you just have to look for it. every state has help for seniors in so many ways. get it.
I went thru this with my four sisters who didn't speak , call, or write in over thirty years. they didn't even go parents funerals.
you need to accept the fact they will never be there and do what
you need to do to help yourself.
I would say my parents remembered my sisters in their wills leaving them one dollar for all of the love and care they gave my parents over the years. four girls and one dollar to be split among them.
now whos laughing?
He wants money from his kids. He has no money. That’s what he is claiming. Don’t think he is concerned about leaving them anything. He is interested in collecting from them. Read the whole thread to get a clear picture.
I think you should also objectively - if you can - read your own responses to the offers of help here. Maybe you're at wits' end - it's no picnic being of a certain age with few resources and the frustration of red tape - but your responses come off as being bitter and self-serving. I've been on this forum for a while and have never read of anyone puzzled as to why their children/family won't repay a "debt." If you lord "repayment of debt" over your wife's family or your own, you won't get anywhere.
I wish you and your spouse well, but know that a little kindness to those from whom you would ask for help will go further than judging them incompetent and uncaring. Or worse, owing you a debt.
Ahhhh, wisdom! Thanks. I was the person he decided to kick in the gut the hardest! He didn’t like that I defended myself and kicked back!
Thanks so much. I appreciate your reply.
As someone who is the youngest child taking care of my mother by myself, and both of us have been abandoned by a selfish, well endowed brother and his children.
Some people just don't want to be involved, or are scared to see their parent decline.
I get NO help from them. No financial or any other type of support. No cards, no birthday or Christmas presents, no calls. Karma is all I can say. His children see how he treats his mother, that's how they will treat him.
But you do need to be proactive and get to Medicare and Medicaid. Every state had some support.
Alfs are not even a thought in my mind. That's not how I was brought up. Btw my brother was eating dinner at the same table with me and he would put her away if he could. I have tried multiple times to involved them. I opened up a caring bridge page so he could keep up with her life and he never went on it.
YouI can't force them and if you could, do you really want these people in your life?
You are the one chosen to care for her. You need to find the help. Go to church for support and advice. BUT DON'T THINK BAD FAMILY IS ANYONE'S FAULT BUT THEIR OWN.
If you can hire a "daughter" or "son" in the form of a private case manager, an advocate or a care manager. They are a great place to start because they can arrange everything else you need.
I think it's very possible that erwash has some form of dementia, maybe vascular like my father, on top of a life long personality disorder or other emotional dysfunction. He most likely really needs someone to interface with the SWs for him because his "style" is likely to demand a specific action/remedy and when someone tells him that specific option isn't available, label them incompetent and move on searching for someone who can deliver what he wants. Being insulting to the "incompetent" people who don't agree with him has become a coping method - nothing wrong with him, it's all those other people. Posters here may be able to give workable advice but it falls on deaf ears because OP is no longer capable of making reasonable compromises or dealing with the rules/requirements needed to get the needed help. Mostly likely all we can do is pray for him and his wife. Pray that when one of them comes in contact with a hospital SW, they will finally get some help.
You make a good point about dementia. Glad your father’s situation was addressed.
Good luck
You can not FORCE anyone to help anyone.
I don't know about you but I would not WANT help from someone that was FORCED to help me.
Apply for Medicaid
Get your wife in Memory Care if you can not take care of her.
I would advise him to contact her children (and his) and let them know the situation. They can then decide what to do. At the end of the day she is their mother. They may not like the man she married but that doesn't mean she should suffer. At this stage, depending on the OP's state of mind, anything they say or decide may override what he wants.
"This question is closed to further comments by the AC Moderator."
I am reporting this post, by clicking "report" below.
(Someone had to do it).
no one but a smart ass had to do it.
im sure most here know how to report a post. But we’d still like
to send a PRIVATE message detailing why we are reporting it.
Some messages boards allow the original author mark their question/post as “solved” and the answer they chose as the solution is highlighted at the top of all the replies. Would be nice if there was a similar feature here.
One would think all that superior thinking would've led to a Google search on the topics that have been raised, such as filial responsibility laws.
Perhaps OP is suffering from mental disorder, perhaps they are a troll, perhaps they are as-represented and simply very entitled and smug.
Either which way, I'm calling it now: this thread is a Dumpster Fire. It doesn't quite meet the criteria to be Bait, and it's not CopyPasta, nor is it a Sh*tpost. It's Dumpster Fire. :-)
Trying to bring some humor into this and put in perspective. I love you folks and don't like to see energy expended on taking someone seriously when they have shown they don't deserve that. Agree with Margaret -- this is for wry laughs only at this point. I wish OP the best.
Yep, he seems to be delusional. I thought mental illness too!
I always knew you were intelligent!
Best answer yet! Love it. Totally laughable!!!🤣. Yes, he needs tons of luck and apparently money too. His family doesn’t want anything to do with him either. Gee, I wonder why!
nothing ads up. I think it needs to be taken down
"troll is a person who starts quarrels or upsets people on the Internet to distract and sow discord by posting inflammatory and digressive, extraneous, or off-topic messages"
As soon as I read his response to Needhelp, I was pretty sure he was one. If not, we now know why his kids don't help him. He has always thought himself above us mere mortals. So everyone was probably just waiting for him to be pushed off that Pedestal he has put himself on.
My BIL has a PHD, worked for U of M as a professor for 25 yr and makes 6 figure pension. So this mans PHD should have made him some money.
I don’t feel I was wrong to stand up for myself. I have always taught my children to stand up for themselves and it saved my daughter from continuing in an abusive relationship. Thank God she didn’t marry the guy!
It’s who I am. I’m going to defend myself if I am insulted or attacked. I am not a rude person by nature. I show compassion and mercy to those who deserve it and will continue to do so.
Maybe he is is a troll. Who knows and who cares?
I am just like everyone else. Not perfect.