Wife has 2 children (independently wealthy) and 5 grandchildren (all professional with good income). All have turned their backs on us. We are slowly dying without support. Do we have any recourse here?

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Hi Erwash, you are getting some comments here that you probably don’t like. However you say that you “Gave up on regular doctor, then gerontologist, then elder care specialist, then az/dementia specialist. None of them knows what they are doing”. You also say that all the local agencies are “severely lacking in experience, competence and general caring”. It sounds as though you don’t like a lot of things that most people find helpful. Perhaps your children and grandchildren find you difficult to deal with?

It might be best if you ask for financial help rather than close contact. However as everyone in the family seems to have good jobs, income and assets, you might need to put together the sort of financial information that a bank or loan company would want, to explain what you need and why.

It isn’t easy getting old, or dealing with people who are getting old. I hope that you and your wife can find some happiness.
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NYDaughterInLaw Apr 10, 2019
Poster does seem very difficult to deal with. Who knows the history between them and their children. There's always two sides to every story, and perception is not reality. Poster asked how he could "force" them to help. Perhaps therein lies the problem with their children.
Recourse? No. There is no legal obligation for adult children to financially support their parents. Same with grandkids and grandparents.

If both of your wife’s children and the adult grandchildren have cut ties with her, there has to be a reason. Usually the one who is cut off seems to never know why. Not saying it’s all due to your wife, but something has happened along the way for it to be like this.
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So I am going to make an assumption and make loads of people mad.

From er responses, he is the only one in the room that knows anything, he also stated that his wife's children have endowments, so that means their dad had money, financially set his children up for future and that means that he left his wife financially secure. If she has alienated her children by marrying the poster, it means they thought he was after her money. I say that because that is what he is now trying to do with them. You have it stepchildren and now I am entitled to force you to fork over anything I say we need, because no one, not even doctors know as much as me. So pay up and avoid a lawsuit, if I can figure out how to sue you. Mom is on Medicaid and poster obviously doesn't get a good pension or ss for that matter. Mom probably was a stay at home mom and 1st husband left her secure enough to not worry that she would run out of money, never considering that she would remarry and forfeit his ss benefits she received. Then enter husband #2 who blew through all of her financial future because, hey her kids have money and we will force them to pay up when she is broke. He just didn't bargain for healthy children that can set and enforce boundaries, but he won't know about those things.

Sounds like the wife isn't the only one with loss of executive function. When anyone believes that they are the only ones that know anything you are dealing with dementia and/or NPD. Terrible situation for the poor woman that can no longer make her own choices.
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UsedupDIL Apr 11, 2019
Somewhere in all of this, his children feel the same way. It is a second marriage for both. Appears not a lot of financial planning on their part, just sue kids and grandchildren and force them to pay.
ER, you sound angry and either nobody knows anything or they are not available or there are no services or the kids don't care. Maybe you need to listen to some of the resources and what they have to say. Do the kids also feel they don't know anything?

Maybe counseling would help you, but you would have to LISTEN to what they have to say.
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Parents make a choice to have children and make a choice of what level of involvement they want with grandchildren. They aren’t “forced” to do these things. These choices also do not create a “debt” to be repaid when they are older. Caring for elderly parents or supporting them financially is a choice for adult children or grandchildren to make.
Helpful Answer (19)

You say you can’t afford respite care and your wife is on Medicaid. Good news-Florida Medicaid pays for respite care. You should contact Medicaid and arrange for respite care.
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Hello erwash - first of all, I am so sorry that your wife has dementia, now at the late stage. It must be so difficult taking care of her by yourself without help. I don't know how you do it. You must have a lot of patience and love for her to be able to endure the caregiving job for four grueling years and counting, and without help. My hats off to you.

I am also so sorry that your wife's children and grandchildren are not helping her. There must be reasons for that but that doesn't matter at this point. If they don't want to help, even if there are some laws that force them to, I don't know if it's worth the fight and the time to go after them.

Here are some places you should call:
--your local Aging Agency, sometimes called Office on Aging
--Adult Protective Services
--local hospital and ask for a social worker
--local Alzheimer's/dementia support group
--local Adult Daycare center and ask to talk to a social worker if they have one
--an attorney specializes in elder law who can help you apply for Medicaid
--Veteran Affairs (if you or your wife had been in the service)

When you call these places, explain your situation and ask them for help or referral to resources that you can apply to help you and your wife.

Do come back and let us know what you find out.
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erwash Apr 10, 2019
Have done all of the above, mostly to no avail. I can comment on each one, but will just generally qualify them all as severely lacking in experience, competence and general caring.
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erwash - you sound hopeless and bitter. I don't know why you say those resources we mentioned here (Aging Agency, social worker, etc.) are not helpful. I am sure in Florida, there are thousands of elderly who need help just like you, and I bet somehow they manage to find the right help.

You mentioned your wife have Medicaid. Since your wife is at stage 4 of dementia, ask her doctor if she is qualified to be in a nursing home. If so, the doctor can order that. Then, she can be looked after 24/7, and you can visit daily to make sure she's being well taken care of.

Also, have to talked to an elder law attorney? This is for the purpose of getting the type of Medicaid that will pay for nursing home.

If where you live is so isolated and no competent help and services available, then you should consider relocating to where there are better services.
Helpful Answer (17)

Erwash, I’m so sorry you’re in this tough position. You obviously love your wife very much and want to do the best for her. How your relationship with the kids deteriorated, really doesn’t matter right now...the question is what can you do to convince (can’t force) them to help. You don’t say specifically what you want them to “help” with financially. They sound like accomplishd professionals, so I would suggest approaching this in a manner they may relate to. They may respond more to specifics than a general plead for help. Have you clarified for yourself what you need help with financially? Someone to sit with your wife while you run errands or to drive and accompany you to appointments? Someone to clean the house or mow the lawn? Help with groceries or medicine? Help paying the taxes so you can keep the house? Help with a maintenance issue? After you pinpoint what you need and how much it might cost one time or on an ongoing basis, I would suggest to write to each of them and tell them something specific. Maybe you could have a friend help you with the research of the cost of what you need?
Dear Dick and Jane,
I hope this letter finds you and the grandkids well. As you know Mom isn’t doing well and we are quickly depleating our resources with her care. We have applied and are receiving government assistance but our small pension of $_______ /month still leaves us really strapped and unable to __________. (Fill in the blank)
It would be such help if you could assist us with _________.
Love Mom and Pops.

They could throw it in the circular file, or respond. You never know but it might be an alternative approach to what you’ve tried.

You dont say say what the agencies you’ve contacted aren’t helping with...and of course they can’t help get money out of the kids. But I really want to implore you to heed the advice of medical professionals for her care. And for YOUR care too. Please talk to YOUR doctor about the situation and how YOU are. It must be very exhausting to try to navigate the “system”. And you probably have to schlep your wife to all the appointments, since you probably can’t leave her unattended. Makes me tired just thinking about it. Remember if you go down, she will have no one. My dear 90 year old friend who was taking care of his wife (similar kid situation as yours) ran himself ragged and passed away. Now she’s thriving in a nursing home.
Take care.
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It sounds like you are purposely making life more difficult than it needs to be. You've shot down every attempt by anyone who tries to give you advice. I refuse to believe that there are no competent or caring doctors in your area. You live in the old people capital of the world! I'm beginning to understand why neither your kids or her kids will help you. You're say you're running out of time. Then you should be a lot more agreeable to people trying to help.
I'm just going to throw this out there....if you're trying to scam someone online to send you money it's hopefully not going to work. The reason I brought this up is it's the only thing left that someone hasn't suggested. If I've offended you then good! Now you now that if you can piss people off in one day on a website God only knows what you put those kids through in 16 years.
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erwash Apr 12, 2019
Sparky sounds like the poster boy or girl for this website. If you think this is a scam then you must be a Twitter advocate. And please do not think you are qualified to comment on what God knows.
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