Family feud: How would you handle dealing with strong opinions around funeral planning?

I am so sorry you have to deal with this during a time of grief. I would plan the service you feel your father would have wanted and to Hell with the rest of them! Sounds like they are people you don't really need to have in your life anyway.

I recently attended a memorial service for my sister. Her husband was too distraught to come although he had helped organize it. Their daughter and her husband did a wonderful job of the presentation of readings and a slide show of photos of her life. Was it the one I would have planned? No, but I was asked for pictures and provided a reading and am content with that. She knew how I felt about her and nothing can change that.

I am sorry for your loss.

I am sorry that you have to deal with all of this.

((HUGS))

My SIL is Japanese with strong traditions. She never had a service, cremated my brother, and has a "shrine" with ashes of him and their beloved cat, right next to each other in a tucked away area of the house. Most of those people who could have stirred up anxiety about a funeral have given up asking. Works for me!

I am sorry for your loss.

I am sorry that you have to deal with all of this.

((HUGS))

My SIL is Japanese with strong traditions. She never had a service, cremated my brother, and has a "shrine" with ashes of him and their beloved cat, right next to each other. Most of those people who could have stirred up anxiety have given up asking. Works for me!

I'm sorry for your loss. Just invite the people. Don't ask them to do anything, unless they offer, and whoever comes, great. If they don't like your plans, they don't have to come. They can make another plan themselves to honor your dad. Be at peace.

I am very sorry for your loss. I would go ahead and do what you want in planning his service and honoring your Dad. You might want to look into setting up a recorded zoom time on a lap top for his service for those who cannot attend in person. It would be a good alternative way for family members who can’t get along to be included. It was a popular during the Covid pandemic. I might cut off contact with them and then set it up. Send them a notification via email or regular mail of the Service information and a computer link to watch it. It’s not your place to organize their logistics or plan things their way. Especially if they are being so difficult. It’s your Father. Get through it and then grieve how you want to. I went through something awful last year. A former boss and now friend said to me...You can do this! It was just the words, push, and encouragement I needed. Sending hugs and prayers.

Very sorry for the loss of your Dad. I have not had to go through the loss of a parent yet so my advice is based on no first hand experience- just observations of others. As for your planning, do whatever feels right and comforting to you. There is a saying “Funerals are for the living.” I think that is probably true. Do what makes you feel like you have honored your Dad’s memory - but try not to get overwrought or stressed about it. I think you will have a long time to grieve- and other opportunities to honor your Dad later on your own terms if you find there is something else you want or need to do. Set your expectations of others low - really low. They will most likely meet that mark. If you expect nothing you won’t be disappointed when they live up to that expectation. I suppose everyone grieves differently- your grief is personal to you. It is nice when someone else shares your feelings so I hope you have those people at the service. But you do what you need to do to heal your heart and let the rest be what it is. That is all you can do.

A few months ago? That's so disturbing to me. Why is his departure taking so long to finalize it? Don't mean to be mean but he deserves to be released from his earthly bounds, through a funeral ASAP. He has left, some time now, my condolences and you are in great pain. I understand you. Family does get destroyed during the care of our elders and you can't control them and they can't control you. I'm already knowing that I will be disowning them soon after my Mom passes. So be it.
I don't think it will ever dawn on them what you / I have done. You be true to you and stop harassing yourself to make things perfect for everyone else. You do what it takes for you to move forward. I've already taken steps for moms funeral, she loves everything and I'm not going to take crap from anyone about it! Your father needs to rest in peace, so you can too!

reg1234: I am very sorry to read that your dear father has passed away. Deepest condolences are sent to you. You should go ahead as planned to honor your father. How unfortunate that some individuals in your family are acting very poorly. Try to pay no mind to the acrimonious people.

My mother passed at 100yrs and 35 days. I wanted to place her cremains in her parents plot. After several aggravated phone discussions with her “baby” sister (92) we could not come to an agreement. My aunt insisted on being buried BETWEEN her parents which did not allow any room for my mother’s small plaque. My aunt rejected the option of adding both their names (at our expense) to their parents stone because that would be defacing the original stone. She rejected the option of adding a double plaque with my mother’s name and hers. After several convoluted phone discussions, I found my mother’s grandparent’s plot and placed my mother’s cremains and plaque next to her older sister who had died the same year my mother was born. I could have went ahead and placed my mother on her parent’s plot, even placed them BETWEEN them because cemetery policy was “whoever gets there first”. Lol.

Who did more for you and meant more to you in your life? Them or Dad? Clear choice me thinks!

My heart goes out to you.
Nothing like grieving a huge loss with family discord-I am so sad for you going through this.

My personal gut response: do what you feel to honor your dad. Let the family 'chips fall where they may.' You won't be able to 'mend' all this internal family conflict, anger, resentments - now or perhaps ever.

Keep it simple and as peace-filled as possible for you, knowing you are doing this for your dad.

Set boundaries always remembering that the focus is on your dad and honoring him. All else falls by the wayside.

I suggest that you do not respond 'too much' to how / what others say to you. It is how family's feelings / anger, etc. come out ... by keeping that conversation going. They are NOT thinking of you and your loss. They are solely in their own emotional 'stuff' - and taking it out on you.
- When / if you continue to have these conversations, try to not respond other than the focus of planning and logistics. Change the subject or just send out an email of the itinerary. You don't need this aggravation.

I am so sad you are going through this. Most people, in most situations, only express themselves through their own experience. They are (unaware) unable to shift their consciousness to how another feels and focus on the needs at hand.

Gena / Touch Matters

Your quandry is why pre-planning one's funeral is so important. You haven't provided us with the details of your plan but it sounds like it may be too over the top for your family members.
Scale back, simple prayers and remembrances with his favorite music whether it be jazz, country or classical and it keep it to no more than 30 minutes.
Also, create a memorial service program with all your other plans along with basic family history and your dad's life story as well as memorial donations.
Please don't use go fund me because these donations ARE NOT considered taxed deductible donations because they are not going to a registered non-profit 501C.
Keep it simple -- plan an small annual gathering as a remembrance to your dad -- keep it small and simple

It’s your dad. You plan the service in whatever way you think will honor him and comfort you. It’s ok to put distance between yourself and these clods who have no sensitivity and just stick with those who understand what you are going through.

Reg, I am so sorry for your loss.

May The Lord give you peace, strength and wisdom during this difficult time.

One thing I learned with my mom's recent passing, other are mourning her loss and sometimes their grief bumps into mine and it has sharp edges. They aren't trying to be hurtful or difficult, they are dealing the best they can, as am I. Be kind and gentle with yourself and remember everyone lost him and they aren't at their best right now either. Don't make decisions about anything during this difficult time, everything is to raw.

Great big warm hug!

Sorry for your loss.

I was a son taking care of my mom. Each year, mom and I would review important documents: POA, will, healthcare proxy, and funeral arrangements, including her obituary. We would then sign a sheet I prepared noting our review. Her funeral arrangements were simple: No visitation, no church service. Just a small service for immediate family at the funeral home and cemetery. She had her outfit picked out, along with a pair of shoes.

On the day of her death, while I was extremely upset, I was prepared as I knew her wishes. Only after I had touched base with the funeral director did I notify my siblings (They had no role in her caregiving). I told them what was to happen and when. If they wanted to see mom, they needed to be there at the appropriate time. End of discussion.

They showed up and were surprised at how great mom looked at age 93 (She looked years younger and the funeral director did not have to do much with her appearance). The service at the funeral home and cemetery was brief and dignified. My siblings left the cemetery and I stayed until the cover to her vault was secured. I never brought up the cost of the funeral with my siblings and they never asked. The funeral director worked within my budget, and mom received the appropriate send off to her eternal rest.

Think about your dad, and forget the rest of the noise.

Sorry for your loss and that you have to deal with family members acting this way. As others have said here, I would do what I wanted to honor my father and if they choose not to participate then that’s on them. I wish you the best in getting through this difficult time.

Others can also have a memorial service of their choice. It needn't be a struggle.

Plan the funeral you want for your father. Or choose to have no funeral at all.

In my world I would set it up and whoever attends…attends. No energy left in me to deal with nonsense. Anyone who was hateful would never hear from me after after the service. Good Luck.

And.... yet another example of death either bringing out the best or worst in people, relationships. Grief and the trauma(s) associated with a death often exacerbate past grief combined with the present grief and, anticipatory grief ( what's next....).

1. Definitely go forward with a service to celebrate your father's life and, remember him.
2. It usually is a good idea to have a pastor, chaplain or other non religious professional ( if that applies to your father ) plan the service with you and, others ( family) directly involved with the service; and have this same person officiate at the service. We are prepared to navigate the very circumstances you are describing among family members; we are prepared to include you and others you / family name to participate in the service. It sounds like you are " trying to plan the service " without these support services.

3. The funeral or cremation services you have used can make referrals to you to assist with the above, if you do not already have one nor know of one where you are having the service.

4. It is usually best practice to have someone from the funeral directing services present, as well as the pastor, chaplain or other selected professional who is officiating the service; these people help to ensure that the proper respect for the deceased as well as all bereaved persons attending are honored.

5. After you have planned the service with the professional of your choice, send whatever announcement (s) appropriate to inform everyone of the service date, time, location.

6. Screen your phone calls, respond to electronic messages sparingly; keep communication limited and civil , brief. This will help with your much needed self care.
Practice other good self care...see your PCP, stay hydrated, exercise, get outside some, meditate or pray as is appropriate for you.... surround yourself with caring , supportive people only.....

Im so sorry for the loss of you dad. Plan the funeral exactly how you want it, unless dad left you instructions.

If people don't want to come, they won't. The people who do matter will show up, unless they physically can't.

I know it is hurtful. Perhaps this is their way of expressing their grief, but it is completely disfunctional and unhealthy for others to be around it. For now, just ignore unsupportive family members and allow yourself to grieve.

Contact the relatives who are behaving poorly to give them information to attend, once the arrangements are complete. If they balk, tell them the arrangements have already been made. Then cut the conversation short by stating that you need to call a long list of relatives and friends, but that you hope to see them there, you love them and you will talk to them.soon, and hang up before they can comment. That should get the message across.

If they call back, tell them you are busy and will get with everyone after the funeral.

The funeral is the way the immediate family chooses to say goodbye, with the funds they have available, and others are there to support the immediate family in their time of grief. That is the whole purpose of a funeral.

I had a similar experience with my only sibling, a sister. She picked the funeral home and made arrangements without me although we had a conversation prior.
She asked my daughter to host a family meal at her home and then all of her family were a no show and no call!!!!!!
I have chosen to let her go out of my life and I am better for it. It has been over four months now with no communication from her.

The priority is getting your Dad buried. Nothing else matters. You are his child and its your honor to do so. Go ahead with your plans. Leave them out of it.

If they come fine and if not fine.

Arrange the funeral, and if you want, tell them where and when via email. Don't answer their calls prior to the event. It's their choice to come or not, and I'll bet they behave if they do show up. You have other fish to fry rather than engage in their drama.

Or, just tell them it has been called off and proceed with your plans without them.

If you are the one arranging the funeral/memorial service (or paying for it), do what gives you comfort. The memorial is not for the person who passed away but for those still living. If family members give unsolicited advice/"help", the diplomatic answer is always, "Thank you for you input and concern. I will consider what you have said." Saying this makes the other person feel valued, but does not obligate you to doing anything that person requests. After the service, take some time to process your feelings and do what is most comforting/healing for you. Unfortunately, it usually will be a private process or may include only a few trusted friends/family.

I'd just joined a carpool for my new job, and one of the members had a horrible old car that had holes in the floorboard so bad that we could see the road underneath. The second week I was in the carpool on the day he was supposed to drive, another woman picked me up. I asked where he was, and she said they'd all told him the carpool had disbanded and that she and I would be driving to work in her car for the next two weeks. Then we'd regroup with a new member driver. They'd asked him before to drive his other newer car, but he'd refused. And we were traveling almost an hour each way on a 70 mph road. I was a paying carpool member, not a driver, and was relieved that the unsafe car was gone. Never saw him again.

What does this have to do with this funeral situation?

You could cancel the funeral, regroup, and do it without the troublemaker(s). Just sayin'.

Adding to Igloo's reply. My town is lucky that we have a small National Cemetery. My FIL was in WWII and my in-laws lived across the Street from the cemetery and yrs before their deaths they put their name in for a lot. When the time came, I called the cemetery office and set up everything with them. You get a plaque, the lot and a military service. It was really nice and no cost to u. Both were cremated.

The County VA cemeteries are a little different in costs. I think, the lot is free, the plaque is free, but someone mentioned on the forum you may have to pay for opening of the grave. I was to my Uncles service and it was nice.

What is nice about a National Cemetery is that Wreaths across America is done every year in Dec around the 15th of the month on a Sat. Every grave gets a wreath. You can donate to offset the cost of the wreaths. Very pretty.

Reg, my condolences for your loss and also for dealing with such absolute butt rash of relatives.

FWIW for anyone anticipating military burial at one of their cemeteries, please try to find out IF the cemetery you were planning has space available and the TYPE of space (casket or only cremains) and IF there will be a significant time delay for burial.
So if this is part of your planning, please look into this and factor it in. Your funeral home will have to store the body or have it transferred to a FH in the city where the military cemetery is located if it’s running a significant “hold” for casket in ground burials.

I'm so sorry this happened to you.

I was a Family Counselor at a funeral home. I saw a lot of this ridiculous behavior. This is your father, you know best how to plan his service. PERIOD. If others don't like it, tough.

You would be surprised at how dramatic funerals could become. (To the point of authorities being called.)

I hope you can find peace through all of this.

I can not believe how many times I read about arguments about/over a funeral.
My goodness these people have DIED they could not care less about what you do.
The exception is...someone that has carefully planned out the service/celebration they want.
So a lesson to us all.
We are ALL going to die. PLAN what you want now when you are able to do so. Pay for it as well. With the cost of everything going up this can only save money in the future.

For family members that are not involved with planning keep rude remarks to yourself. (If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all)

For those planning..remember what your loved one was like. If they did not like a lot of "bells and whistles" they were not extravagant, I am sure they would not have wanted a lavish send off. Keep it Simple!