Family feud: How would you handle dealing with strong opinions around funeral planning?

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Family feud: How would you handle dealing with strong opinions around funeral planning?

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My mother passed at 100yrs and 35 days. I wanted to place her cremains in her parents plot. After several aggravated phone discussions with her “baby” sister (92) we could not come to an agreement. My aunt insisted on being buried BETWEEN her parents which did not allow any room for my mother’s small plaque. My aunt rejected the option of adding both their names (at our expense) to their parents stone because that would be defacing the original stone. She rejected the option of adding a double plaque with my mother’s name and hers. After several convoluted phone discussions, I found my mother’s grandparent’s plot and placed my mother’s cremains and plaque next to her older sister who had died the same year my mother was born. I could have went ahead and placed my mother on her parent’s plot, even placed them BETWEEN them because cemetery policy was “whoever gets there first”. Lol.

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When my parents died and were cremated I had a small amount of ashes reserved. I then scattered those ashes on their parents graves as they were all in different cemeteries. Only I know about it but it gave me comfort to do it.

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reg1234: I am very sorry to read that your dear father has passed away. Deepest condolences are sent to you. You should go ahead as planned to honor your father. How unfortunate that some individuals in your family are acting very poorly. Try to pay no mind to the acrimonious people.

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A few months ago? That's so disturbing to me. Why is his departure taking so long to finalize it? Don't mean to be mean but he deserves to be released from his earthly bounds, through a funeral ASAP. He has left, some time now, my condolences and you are in great pain. I understand you. Family does get destroyed during the care of our elders and you can't control them and they can't control you. I'm already knowing that I will be disowning them soon after my Mom passes. So be it.
I don't think it will ever dawn on them what you / I have done. You be true to you and stop harassing yourself to make things perfect for everyone else. You do what it takes for you to move forward. I've already taken steps for moms funeral, she loves everything and I'm not going to take crap from anyone about it! Your father needs to rest in peace, so you can too!

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When cremated families tend to wait. It could ne its the middle of winter but they don't want a Memorial service till Spring.

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Very sorry for the loss of your Dad. I have not had to go through the loss of a parent yet so my advice is based on no first hand experience- just observations of others. As for your planning, do whatever feels right and comforting to you. There is a saying “Funerals are for the living.” I think that is probably true. Do what makes you feel like you have honored your Dad’s memory - but try not to get overwrought or stressed about it. I think you will have a long time to grieve- and other opportunities to honor your Dad later on your own terms if you find there is something else you want or need to do. Set your expectations of others low - really low. They will most likely meet that mark. If you expect nothing you won’t be disappointed when they live up to that expectation. I suppose everyone grieves differently- your grief is personal to you. It is nice when someone else shares your feelings so I hope you have those people at the service. But you do what you need to do to heal your heart and let the rest be what it is. That is all you can do.

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I am very sorry for your loss. I would go ahead and do what you want in planning his service and honoring your Dad. You might want to look into setting up a recorded zoom time on a lap top for his service for those who cannot attend in person. It would be a good alternative way for family members who can’t get along to be included. It was a popular during the Covid pandemic. I might cut off contact with them and then set it up. Send them a notification via email or regular mail of the Service information and a computer link to watch it. It’s not your place to organize their logistics or plan things their way. Especially if they are being so difficult. It’s your Father. Get through it and then grieve how you want to. I went through something awful last year. A former boss and now friend said to me...You can do this! It was just the words, push, and encouragement I needed. Sending hugs and prayers.

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I'm sorry for your loss. Just invite the people. Don't ask them to do anything, unless they offer, and whoever comes, great. If they don't like your plans, they don't have to come. They can make another plan themselves to honor your dad. Be at peace.

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I am sorry for your loss.

I am sorry that you have to deal with all of this.

((HUGS))

My SIL is Japanese with strong traditions. She never had a service, cremated my brother, and has a "shrine" with ashes of him and their beloved cat, right next to each other. Most of those people who could have stirred up anxiety have given up asking. Works for me!

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I am sorry for your loss.

I am sorry that you have to deal with all of this.

((HUGS))

My SIL is Japanese with strong traditions. She never had a service, cremated my brother, and has a "shrine" with ashes of him and their beloved cat, right next to each other in a tucked away area of the house. Most of those people who could have stirred up anxiety about a funeral have given up asking. Works for me!

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I am so sorry you have to deal with this during a time of grief. I would plan the service you feel your father would have wanted and to Hell with the rest of them! Sounds like they are people you don't really need to have in your life anyway.

I recently attended a memorial service for my sister. Her husband was too distraught to come although he had helped organize it. Their daughter and her husband did a wonderful job of the presentation of readings and a slide show of photos of her life. Was it the one I would have planned? No, but I was asked for pictures and provided a reading and am content with that. She knew how I felt about her and nothing can change that.

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Family feud: How would you handle dealing with strong opinions around funeral planning?

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