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My mother and father-in-law are both in assisted living with severe Dementia. My husband’s sister is DPOA and does all financial and medical appts. We have decided to move out of state. She is bitter and mad about move. Both parents are on Hospice services, we all live in same town but now have decided to move 12 hours away because of our advancing age and our lease is ending. We do nothing in regards to their care but visit once per week in their room. There is also a history of abuse with my husband in his early years of life. His sister is nine years younger. Any suggestions. I am 64 and hubby is 72. His parents are 93 and 94.

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This may sound harsh but the sister needs to get over it in my opinion.
On hospice means no doctor appointments, hospice orders medication and most supplies ( everything from hospital bed to depends and gloves). They send a shower aid, social worker, religious person as well as weekly assessments by a nurse. This is in addition to the care given at the facility. (My Mom, 95, blind and very hard of hearing, deep in her final battle with Alzheimer's, has lived in memory care for 3 years. She WAS on hospice for 2 years but just graduated off last month, now I am back to doing those things, but daily caregiving is done by the facility) for 15 months I was not even allowed inside, what was SIL doing in the way of caregiving during the shutdown? How did you visit weekly? On a tablet or thru a window? You can still do a virtual visit. If you are feeling bad about moving, ask what chore you could do to help, ie. Manage the monthly bills, communicate with the hospice nurse following the weekly visits? My siblings live far away, they split the cost of twice a month house cleaning for ME to support my role as primary caregiver. I told Mom long ago, it is a responsibility, but not a burden; that was her concern. Move when your lease is up, go enjoy your retirement, honor your Mother and Father, but do not give up your life for them, they would not want you to.
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If dad is in assisted living, there is money. Encourage her to use monies to get assistance for medical appointments (although as with hospice, I would think most of dr care could be handled by visits to them at the AL center). Make an attempt to come back for visits. Offer to handle bill paying or other tasks for her that could be done from anywhere - she may not let go of that task, but you asked. Keep in touch with her, you initiate calls, so that she doesn't feel so alone in this.

You have made a decision while sister may feel she is left alone to care for them (even though she has been doing that). It could be she has shouldered much of the burden alone and carried a grudge all along. Now the move has really driven it home for her. From her perspective, as the primary caregiver/handling most of the work person, she will never understand you moving away from elderly parents. Much in the same way that you don't understand why she is upset.

For whatever the reason, your husband does not feel the same closeness or need to be near parents. His sister does. You should both do what you can, from your new residence, to make her feel supported.
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Just move and be happy. You have chosen what you want to do and so has your husband's sister.

What more is there to think about? It's fairly simple.
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Imho, there are some things that are unclear to me such as - why are your mother and father in law in an assisted living facility if they have "severe Dementia" as they may require a higher level of care, albeit being on Hospice services? Also how was it determined that your sister in law would take on the load that she did "with you and your husband do(ing) nothing in regard to their care but visit once per week in their room?" Perhaps your sister in law had every right to be bitter and mad UNLESS THIS ARRANGEMENT WAS PREDETERMINED.
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havenofrest7777 Apr 2021
It was predetermined. We all can only visit once per week because of Covid. She refuses to entertain a thought of a SNF. She is very authoritative and his folks look to her for more guidance than they do my husband. It has been this way for over 40 years of marriage.
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Live your life and do not apologize or try to explain. If your SIL does not know about the abuse, she probably will be reluctant to believe it. It sounds like she already does most or all of the things that she will be doing. If your inlaws are already in residential care your SIL is not being left with exhausting physical care. It may be that your ILs will miss your visits, but that should not significantly affect your SIL. You can still give her moral support over the phone. At 64 and 72 it is certainly your turn to take care of your lives. Enjoy your retirement with no regrets. Call your inlaws weekly if they seem to enjoy the calls. If the calls just confuse them, then send cards instead. There are so many ways of showing that you have not forgotten them that do not include physical visits. We have all certainly learned to be creative with them in the last year.
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There is no reason for your and your husband to put your lives on hold. His parents are in AL and on hospice. As far as dentists and eye appts.; these are not necessary unless the inlaws are in pain and need medically necessary care. It's not as if your SIL is taking care of their parents in her home. Live your lives with joy and if your SIL can't get over it then too bad. Maybe time will heal the breach.

I too am the primary caregiver of my mother who is in AL and was for my father until his death. Dad was also in AL until shortly before his death when he had to be transferred to SNF. I am both financial and medical POA. While times have been stressful from time to time. For the most part I pay the bills and make or medical decisions. My brother is in another state probably 10 hours away. Big deal and so what. If he needs to know something I call him.
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Im sure the sister just feels everything is left on her shoulders to bare even tho ya'll do nothing but visit once a week.

She probably feels bad that she's the only one left and maybe she feels that now that ya'll won't be visiting once a week anymore that she'll have to fill that spot when she's doing everything already.

Maybe you should send her flowers and a card and let her know how much ya'll appreciate what she does.

Let her know that she can call anytime to talk.

Tell her ya'll can Face Time]

They are up in age
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Go.....you have to enjoy your life....
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Let me add more to this family history. My SIL divorced and remarried 10 years ago to a very toxic gentleman. She has four children all of,whom live out of state we reside in. My husband and I have been married for almost 40 years and never able to have children. During our years of marriage there has been much turmoil at times with his parents even to point of years of distance. We moved to our current area 8 years ago to care for my parents both of whom are deceased now. His parents do reside in the same town but this was not the reason we moved to same area. My SIL also has two homes and travels frequently around the country visiting her children. With my in-laws in ALF their needs are going met and facility is able to,provide total care if needed. My husband also does not have the same fondness that his sister expresses but he does love his parents. Also my husband is dealing with his own medical issues hypertension, blind in one eye and almost deaf from being a veteran. Moving now since our lease is up for renewal and both of my,parents have expired is the right thing to do. Thank you for all your feedback. The journey continues........
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You say your SIL has already cared for 3 of 4 parents (her own plus her husband’s). That is where I am right now, so I’ll share my thoughts about it honestly—take what you may & leave the rest.

No one stepped up, so when I saw the need going unmet, I did, first with FIL, then MIL. Family’s assumption then became that I would always do it. My husband’s only sibling moved out of state while their mother was in AL with dementia. They offered to handle the finances, which was great because then we could just do the hands-on—visiting, doctor appointments, shopping, holidays, etc. (Even in AL, there is a lot of hands-on care-giving required.) It was great until we were contacted by her care facility that we were being turned over to adult protective services because her bills weren’t being paid and the pharmacy would no longer deliver her meds. I was furious and it was ALL dropped in our lap to work through. Meanwhile, BIL went on his way. Yes, no help at all—we did feel abandoned. No more “sharing the responsibilities” at all.

No one was local when my parents became unable to care for themselves, either, except one extremely mentally ill sister, so I felt like I had to step up again. My father passed away and left my completely dependent mother. But by then my husband had ALS and so she had to go into AL. After 3 heart-wrenching years, my husband passed, and shortly after, my mother ran completely out of money, and so now she is in my home. I would dearly love not to be responsible for her, but what do I do—make her a ward of the court? Send her into a Medicaid home (after 2-3 year wait-list clears) when she is still fairly cognizant)? Thankfully, my out of state sister has stepped up to offer respite care when I need it—she understands how difficult our 93 year old mother is. And she provides a “Medical Guardian” alarm service so my mother isn’t afraid when I check the mail or take a shower or sleep at night. (She seriously is scared to death to be alone at any moment.)

Bottom line here is that when people step up to meet a need, too often others are happy to relinquish their own responsibility, because the other “does it so well” or “they like to be in control” or some other nonsense that makes them feel like they’re off the hook. Have you and your husband talked with your SIL and asked what all the needs and responsibilities are and how you can share in them even if long distance? My sister’s help is what keeps me at this. Perhaps if you’re moving on with your own life, you can find a way to help your SIL have any semblance of a life of her own. Oh, and the abuse? Yeah, it’s rough caring for our abusers, but by our 60s & 70’s, how we respond is about us, no longer them. You can have a life and still do the right thing.
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In my own family, I am the one who is left to care for my father, who is at an ALF. It's hard being the person who has to be the EVERYthing for the elderly parent. Its not just doctors appointments and paying bills, its being the only person who shows up on the regular for visits, being the only person who buys his snacks and clothing and makes sure everything is OK and that he feels loved and relevant in our lives. We are 50 and 62. My father is 80. Only one of my relatives, my sister, comes to visit twice a year, but she has no concept of HOW to even take him out to dinner, make sure he's ok, etc..so, mostly, it me, supervising their visits. ANYWAY...that being said, it's fine and dandy for you to move, and it sucks for your sister. Maybe there's some financial compsation/ something nice you could do for her since you are leaving her alone to deal. I'm not judging you, but maybe you can find a way to make it feel better for her and harbor a healthy sibling relationship. It's not really about the parents, its about the responsibility.
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First of all, they have full dementia and hardly know what is going on. Second, YOU have a right to life and to live your life without impact from people who have dementia and the resulting effects on you. YOU must take care of YOU first. They are safe. I don't care what or why but no one ever should put up with anyone who has caused problems and abuse....it simply cannot be tolerated and no one owes that person anything. I suspect there is anger that you do nothing more than visit. Perhaps it is time to come to some kind of an understanding or arrangement where somehow you could contribute to the work involved.
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Riley2166 Apr 2021
And if the sister does it all and you nothing, she does have the right to be angry. Everyone in these situations should be willing to pitch in somehow. I don't think this is going to turn out well and you will lose your sister in the end. If there is an inheritance left, it should go to her for doing all the work involved. So be prepared.
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I'll be honest with you here. Your SIL has every right to be bitter and mad about the move.
So she has the DPOA. That doesn't mean that she alone has to have all the responsibility of sick and elderly parents dumped in her lap alone. That really isn't fair or right.
If you and your husband are unwilling or unable to help her with any of it, then that's your choice. Don't accept any inheritance from your in-laws though if there will be any. Your SIL deserves it more than you or your husband.
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LittleOrchid Apr 2021
An inheritance is not a "payment" for endcare. An inheritance is a legacy passed from one generation to another. For many of us the inheritance is of little value except sentimental. Our parents leave us things in their wills because it is a family link, not a payment. While they are still alive the parents should be paying their costs or have arrangements for reimbursing the daughter for expenses. Usually there is an account set up to deal with that, especially if there is an estate with some actual money in it. To do anything else would be to pay more taxes than is necessary. As for who "deserves" an inheritance, that is entirely up to the person who is writing the will. Certainly we who know almost nothing of this family have no right to judge who should get what from the estate--if there is one. Not many live for 90+ years and still have any significant savings and investments at the end of it.
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I don't think you are doing anything wrong. She took on DPOA. I did the same thing with my mom & stepdad. He passed away and mom has dementia, but not bad enough to go into memory care or assisted living yet. When the time comes I will spend even less time involved with her care. That's what assisted living is. There are a lot of assumptions made by people here in these posts: like sister is exhausted because of the amount of care. If that's the case, she's taking on what she does not need to do or they need to be in a higher level of care. Since I have DPOA for my mom, I expect some nastiness when the time comes to put mom in assisted living or memory care. It's a balancing act between caring for the family member and taking care of yourself. You'll figure it out, and if SIL continues to be bitter and angry, her problem; but I also understand what it's like to wish they could see your side of it. Good luck.
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LittleOrchid Apr 2021
I really like your response. Sometimes we get carried away with imagining all kinds of exhaustion and despair, and assume it is there. However, if the parents are in residential care I don't imagine that the exhaustion is very extreme. Also, managing finances these days is not at all what it was 30 or 40 years ago. Just about everything is autopay and it takes less than 15 minutes to check the credit card and bank statements to be sure everything is as it should be.

I am actually enjoying getting reacquainted with my sisters after about 40 years of separation. Most of our activities tend to revolve around tending to Mom's social needs. She can't get around much anymore (96 YO), so we do what we can to cheer her up and have fun with each other as well. On the other hand, I will not do one thing for Mom or my sisters that I do not willingly and happily choose to do. I am 70 years old and retired. Each of us needs to take care of ourselves first, then choose what else we might want to do for someone else. If that makes someone else unhappy, they will just have to figure out how to make themselves happier.
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Do what YOU need to do for both you and your husband. IF the sister-in-law is doing everything anyhow not sure why it is bothering her. IF the in-laws have severe dementia they probably won't even know that you have not visited. And IF anything does happen the sister-in-law can contact you. Did you ask the sister-in-law why she is so upset? wishing you luck.
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Do they recognise you and get benefit from your visits? Ask the facility whether your visits are positive or negative (they can be very disruptive and make residents more difficult for staff to look after - you cannot assume they are positive, and you sister certainly can't).
If your sister is DPOA then unless your visits have positive effects on your "parents" don't be guilted into anything, look after your own lives. 12 hours is quite a long move away if your parents do benefit from your visits presumably you can move without going 12 hours away unless there is a reason for going to far. At 64 and 72 its time you started planning for your own old age and how you want that to go after you have had the positive years you can together.
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I am so grateful that my brother and I love each other so much we helped care for my parents as a team. It didn't matter how we felt about the parents! We couldn't abandon each other. Maybe that's what the sister is upset by. Losing her brother.
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jcnickc Apr 2021
This blessed my heart—that you and your brother hold your relationship so closely. Your parents are fortunate to have you team up on their behalf. Wish it happened more.
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Do what you need to do for you. Mom and FIL have lived their lives. With severe dementia it is unlikely they know who you are. Sister accepted the responsibility of DPOA. If it is too much perhaps it is time for a fiduciary for the financial. Or a regular paid caregiver - if that is financially affordable.
It is not your sister choice to make whether you move or not. If you were moving for a job she probably would not say anything.
If you can visit once a month. If their will be an inheritance - offer to pay caregiver out of your anticipated part if there is any - so she wont feel taken advantage of.
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Harpcat Apr 2021
I did caregiving for my dad and my other 3 sisters lived in different states. When it came to the inheritance it was divided up according to the trust. As the trustee I was paid for my work settling the trust. I got nothing extra as a caregiver. He does not owe her that unless he does it from other reasons
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The parents are in Assisted Living and on Hospice. What kinds of doctor appointments are needed?

Do they need a higher level of care, such as a nursing home?
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havenofrest7777 Apr 2021
My SIL feels that they both need eye and dentist appts. However we feel that getting my mother-in-law into a vehicle is a big safety risk because it takes two people to,transfer her. We have expressed that all appts. should be stopped and are not necessary but there is a difference of opinion.
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I kind of can't blame your husband's sister for being angry. She is being left to take care of everything by herself. She is definitely feeling abandoned. Can't say I blame her. I'd feel the same way.

You and hubby have absolutely no idea what his sister is dealing with. Sadly, you're both minimally involved. She is trying to manage their lives, finances, dealing with doctors, and phone calls when something goes wrong. She has no life of her own to walk off and enjoy. Her life is consumed with the caregiving of her parents. She will be greatly blessed for that.

Unless you have done it you have no idea what it is like. It is hell and his sister is living it. Surely, she needs some respite but she can't just get up and walk away. Seems her brother has no problem doing that and leaving his sister to handle it all.

I get it. There was abuse where your husband and his parents are concerned and he is resentful. I get it. However, they are his parents. Your husband is in his 70's now. How long is he going to hold on to that?

Time for him to let it go and help his sister deal with all of this. Believe me, she is living in hell, is exhausted, constantly worried about her parents, and probably depressed. What about her life? She doesn't have one right now caring for her parents, but her brother gets to get up and walk away.

I know everyone must live their life. But sometimes we must help bear each other's burdens. Especially when it comes to family.
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TakeFoxAway Apr 2021
I agree with ZenZen.

Also, you and your husband are not that old. Maybe you could wait one more year. I would be feeling abandoned and frantic as well if I were her.
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May I suggest that everybody meet with a counsellor before your move.

I imagine she is feeling abandoned by both of you in caring for parents. Yes, you visit and you see that "help" as not worth much. Your sister probably sees it as dumping another responsibility into her lap. She is not taking into account your needs. You have the right to live where you want and how you want. She may feel as if that option has been denied to her and resents it. Meeting with a counsellor can help to put the "feelings" and "facts" on the table and deal with the changes. The goal is to move ahead in your life from, a position of peace and understanding.
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havenofrest7777 Apr 2021
My husband and I are meeting g with Hospice Social Worker next week. His sister will not be at meeting. Thank you!
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You cannot live your life based on her anger. Yes, she feels abandoned but then that is her emotion to deal with...hopefully with a counselor. As we grow older, we hopefully learn that no one can control our emotions except ourselves. Your one visit a week must have felt like you shared the burden, I am thinking. You can do a weekly Skype or FaceTime call. Ask her how else you might help. At least you offered. If they’re on hospice, she has the support of the hospice team, including the chaplain who she can discuss her feelings with. Has she availed herself of him or her? Twelve hours is not that far away and can be driven in one or two days depending on your tolerance, or even a short flight. I was the sole caregiver of my dad with three sisters living in various states....two of them quite far away. We can’t help where we decide to live and I couldn’t blame them for that. You are older and are making a move for your future. Your sister could do the same if she wanted to, as a DPOA, you do not have to live locally. Let her have her little tantrum or whatever...and go and blessings to you. The time to live your life is now....as this pandemic has proven, none of us are guaranteed anything. You do not need her blessing or permission
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Seems you have never been involved in their care. Severe Dementia I take to mean they have no idea who you are or that you have even been there. She's done it all on her own and looks like her caregiving may come to and end sooner than later. So I would wonder why she is so upset?

Advancing age, made me smile. (I am 71) You sound like you are ready for a NH. When my MIL turned 80 she told her SIL " Frances, who was 90, I am 80 years old!" Frances said "oh to be 80 again, I could do so much more". But I understand where ur coming from. Husband is retired and I assume you are or will be. You need to move where you can live on your SS. Need to do it now while you can. There is no reason to stay where you are. Maybe she feels you should stay till their deaths.
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She's upset that you feel you have the freedom to do as you like while she doesn't. I get it completely.

That doesn't make it logical or even true, but that's likely how she's seeing it. As the others have said, make a real effort to stay in touch with her and offer your support. If your husband has little or no fondness for his parents, visiting or communicating with them is his choice, but I think the sister is the one who shouldn't be abandoned. Just make a real effort to stay in touch with her, ask about HER life and activities, and of course check in on how the parents are doing.
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lkdrymom Apr 2021
I have to agree. I think she is upset that you have options while she feels she doesn't since she needs to be close to manage their lives. Keep in contact with her and see if she needs anything to make her life easier.
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Tell her that you are sorry you are angry but that you must now do what is best for you.
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Has your husband asked his sister why she is so upset at your move? Does she understand why you're moving? Is she feeling abandoned as their parents are dying and now big brother is moving away? Are brother and sister close?
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You don't need to explain anything at all. Move and enjoy your life, you only get one. Change that once a week visit to a once a week phone call.
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Your SIL will now be alone to bear the burden of her folks without the support of your weekly visits, which adds another thing onto her plate, is how she's likely looking at it. Regardless of your DHs past history of abuse with his parents, his sister probably isn't taking that into consideration since the folks are approaching end of life care now. She's probably burned out already and only feeling the prospect of even more burn out now. That's how I'd be feeling I were in her shoes, frankly.

But I'm an only child and already burned out after dealing with 100% of everything for my parents the past 10 years. Nobody wants to be bothered with my mother, as a rule, because of her negativity and complaining nature. So that leaves me to deal with the toxic waste all the time and it takes an emotional toll on me. Maybe your SIL is emotionally exhausted right now too.

You should move away and live life as you see fit, but you should try to empathize with your SIL at the same time, imo. Have a chat with her to see how you can best support her, letting her know you'd like to do that, but you also need to move on now. Perhaps if you were to call the folks regularly, that might help her, I don't know.

Wishing you the best of luck moving forward
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Is there a possibility that the reason she is bitter and mad about you and your husband moving is that she sees this as a way to “escape” from dealing with what is going on?
12 hours a way is far enough away that a true crisis or emergency might be over by the time you get there and she is possibly afraid of making a “wrong” decision?
Follow through with your plans. Make your move. Support your husband, reassure your SIL that you are both there when she needs support.
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havenofrest7777 Apr 2021
No, she is very much a leader in the role of caregiver/daughter and has been thru this three times before with her husband’s relatives. She is not afraid of the decisions to be made and even makes many decisions without consulting my husband and let’s him know after the fact. Thank you for the feedback.
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Thank you. She is fully aware of his history with his parents.
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