I'm learning the hard way, that I must remember the source. Sometimes Mom says things, that she obviously believes, and she SEEMS like she's rational, but when I look into it, she got it all wrong. She's not going to change (at least not for the better), so I've got to. I am trying to remind myself that even when it seems like she's having a good day, it pays to take everything with a grain of salt, and if needed, investigate myself to find out what really happened. Sometimes it's obvious, like when I recently took her out to eat, and she told the waitress, that this is "the first good meal I've had in six months", and then proceeded to tell her how bad the food was at her ALF. However, we were at that same restaurant a week ago, and THAT was "the first good meal I've had in six months". It's a little embarrassing at times, because she seems so rational to others, but I know how mixed up she is about facts, dates, etc. So over the past several years I've gone from being hurt and hating her for the terribly mean things she was saying to me(see earlier posts), to accepting that this has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with her condition. It's a difficult adjustment, and I must say I have resorted to prayer quite a bit to take away my anger, and give me patience, and let me love her as she is. The rage, resentment, etc. was making me very sick and depressed. Didn't hurt her a bit---I was the one suffering. So like the name says "getnstrong". Maybe I should change to "getnstronger"!!
In my experience, it is a difficult transition to watch loved ones deteriorate from dementia. You have a person who used to have good judgement and thinking, but that changes as dementia progresses. I have watched my aunts and mother go through this, and I educated myself so I could be of more assistance. If, after sharing information with your family about it, they continue to believe her, there isn't much else you can do. You might explain to them that if she told lies about them, you wouldn't believe them! Right up until the end of my one aunt's life, my mother insisted that she was "fine," though she could barely see or hear and perform simple tasks. My other aunt needed 24/7 care and despite my urging, her sisters refused to do so, and it did not end well. Family can be very difficult to work with through this process. My father-in-law had to sit his in-laws down and mediate the care of their father, because the three were arguing and getting nowhere. Once he got through to them, they sought the proper care for their father. One other helpful tip is to speak to your mother's doctor privately and also possibly a senior social worker for advice. If you can get everyone on the same page, things fall into place better.
My sister and I had a pact. She wouldn't believe what my mother said about me while she was living with me, and I wouldn't believe what my mother said about her when she was living at her house. So, when she told me my sister locked her in a closet at a party, that my sister and her boyfriend had sex in the spare bedroom, and that her husband ate butter with his fingers and sneezed into the refrigerator, I didn't believe her. When she told my sister that we had wild parties all night long and took all her pain medicine (when she wasn't even on pain medicine!) My dear sister believed her and told all our relatives. Family. Ain't it grand.
Yup...my aunt is the one that doesn't understand in the family. She has come around to accepting it to a point, but she can't deal with it.
She has not seen my mom since she was diagnosed and refuses too...she has a hard time believing the things I tell her and says that when she does talk to mom it seems like mom is with it. LOL.
I laugh because mom does not remember much anymore...nothing real anyhow...but on the phone and in the moment she may remember enough to come off like she knows what is being said...of course she forgets most of it within minutes.
Also...my brother lived closer to mom and said he was sure she had Alzheimer's...he only saw her once or twice a week, but watched as she deteriorated and managed to get her tested.
She came to stay with me and my husband and it took 4-6 months to truly see what was going on...because we had the expectations of what she was before, so often we chalk the behavior up as something less...if that makes sense.
You really have to live with them to see it clearer...and no matter how much we don't want this to be true...we don't have a choice but to see it because we are there 24/7.
The issue with family believing in the bad things mom is saying about you is simply that they may think you are not doing a good job...but any professional in the field will know better.
Also...if you change your language from mom is telling Lies to something like...mom is confused...or she now lives in Dementia land and her whole experience now is very different then ours.
Understanding that for them they are being very truthful.
My mom always tells people how she is happy here...but to me or my husband she is always trying to get us to get rid of her because she really does not like being around the kids etc.
It is difficult to go with the flow but honestly you have to almost have two minds when working with dementia...the dementia understanding and the regular understanding.
It only gets worse unfortunately...but yes try and get them to come into the forum and read or ask questions...also have them read articles and go to different sites and read.
My aunt who refuses to come by or help out thinks I can take care of mom to the end...or one of her kids could do it.
She has a granddaughter that volunteered to watch mom...I don't have the room for someone else in my home and in fact we don't have the room for my family as is.
Of course I suggested they all come down for a week or two and see for themselves...didn't happen...they just don't want to deal with the reality.
My point. Until they live with it for a while 24/7 and get that acceptance of the situation they will continue to expect mom to be the same as before...when she clearly is not.
Good luck with it...I hope your relatives are willing to learn.
My mom "lies" all the time, but it's because she doesn't remember what happened. For example, when she was in the hospital, she told everyone that nobody came to visit her. It sounds to me, though, that the "lies" your mom is telling are hurting your feelings and you are feeling defensive, thinking that maybe others will think you are not taking good care of her. Since she is telling lies to other family members, you do need to tell them that this is a normal part of dementia and if they have any concerns or questions, they should talk to you directly. It would probably also help if these family members dropped in briefly once in a while so they could see that your mom is safe and comfortable. Hang in there!
Confabulation is partof dementia People say things containing information that is blatantly false, tell of actions that inaccurately describe history, background and present situations. They are coherent, internally consistent, and appear relatively normal. This despite contradicting evidence.
Professionals recognize the person is Confabulating. This is distinct from lying because there is typically no intent to deceive and the person is unaware that the information is false. Life is fraught with confabulation speak.
confabulations are a major annoyance — when friends, family, and the medical community take everything our loved ones say at face value, no matter how false we know their statements to be http://www.alzcompend.info/?p=293
A quote from: Ethelle Lord, DM - "I found something worse than receiving a diagnosis of Alzheimer's. It is not getting the workforce trained in time to care for persons living with Alzheimer's whether at home or in a care center." Ethelle Lord is President remembering4you.com based in Maine Or friends and neighbors who don't understand.
My husband has alcohol dementia, or Wernicke-Korsakoff Syndrome, and has been confabulating regularly for a number of years. It used to make me crazy that his memories of an event were so different from what I knew actually occurred, because he honestly believes what his subconscious has made up to fill in the gaps in his memory -- and so he is not technically lying. In addition, he comes across as lucid, remains quite articulate, and thus is more than convincing to others when relating his version. The difficult part is for me to refrain from confronting him about his inaccuracies, but as time goes on I find that biting my tongue in those situations helps keep things peaceful between us. As to the relatives, there are times when I must quietly explain things to him out of his presence, and in those situations I can only hope for the best.
I think oftentimes people will accept the lies as truth because it is easier than accepting the truth. The truth being Alziemers. Their LO has never been a liar so they must be telling the truth now. If not then they must believe that their LO has a horrible disease that will require constant care until they die. Scary for them. Try to remember (I know its hard) that its not about you. You are the one trying to right and doing it the best you can. God Bless
Sometimes it's obvious, like when I recently took her out to eat, and she told the waitress, that this is "the first good meal I've had in six months", and then proceeded to tell her how bad the food was at her ALF. However, we were at that same restaurant a week ago, and THAT was "the first good meal I've had in six months". It's a little embarrassing at times, because she seems so rational to others, but I know how mixed up she is about facts, dates, etc. So over the past several years I've gone from being hurt and hating her for the terribly mean things she was saying to me(see earlier posts), to accepting that this has nothing to do with me, and everything to do with her condition. It's a difficult adjustment, and I must say I have resorted to prayer quite a bit to take away my anger, and give me patience, and let me love her as she is. The rage, resentment, etc. was making me very sick and depressed. Didn't hurt her a bit---I was the one suffering. So like the name says "getnstrong". Maybe I should change to "getnstronger"!!
She has not seen my mom since she was diagnosed and refuses too...she has a hard time believing the things I tell her and says that when she does talk to mom it seems like mom is with it. LOL.
I laugh because mom does not remember much anymore...nothing real anyhow...but on the phone and in the moment she may remember enough to come off like she knows what is being said...of course she forgets most of it within minutes.
Also...my brother lived closer to mom and said he was sure she had Alzheimer's...he only saw her once or twice a week, but watched as she deteriorated and managed to get her tested.
She came to stay with me and my husband and it took 4-6 months to truly see what was going on...because we had the expectations of what she was before, so often we chalk the behavior up as something less...if that makes sense.
You really have to live with them to see it clearer...and no matter how much we don't want this to be true...we don't have a choice but to see it because we are there 24/7.
The issue with family believing in the bad things mom is saying about you is simply that they may think you are not doing a good job...but any professional in the field will know better.
Also...if you change your language from mom is telling Lies to something like...mom is confused...or she now lives in Dementia land and her whole experience now is very different then ours.
Understanding that for them they are being very truthful.
My mom always tells people how she is happy here...but to me or my husband she is always trying to get us to get rid of her because she really does not like being around the kids etc.
It is difficult to go with the flow but honestly you have to almost have two minds when working with dementia...the dementia understanding and the regular understanding.
It only gets worse unfortunately...but yes try and get them to come into the forum and read or ask questions...also have them read articles and go to different sites and read.
My aunt who refuses to come by or help out thinks I can take care of mom to the end...or one of her kids could do it.
She has a granddaughter that volunteered to watch mom...I don't have the room for someone else in my home and in fact we don't have the room for my family as is.
Of course I suggested they all come down for a week or two and see for themselves...didn't happen...they just don't want to deal with the reality.
My point. Until they live with it for a while 24/7 and get that acceptance of the situation they will continue to expect mom to be the same as before...when she clearly is not.
Good luck with it...I hope your relatives are willing to learn.
Tell them they need to spend more time with Mom so they can better understand what she is going through..
People say things containing information that is blatantly false,
tell of actions that inaccurately describe history, background and
present situations. They are coherent, internally consistent, and
appear relatively normal. This despite contradicting evidence.
Professionals recognize the person is Confabulating. This is distinct
from lying because there is typically no intent to deceive and the
person is unaware that the information is false. Life is fraught with
confabulation speak.
confabulations are a major annoyance — when friends, family, and the
medical community take everything our loved ones say at face value, no
matter how false we know their statements to be
http://www.alzcompend.info/?p=293
A quote from: Ethelle Lord, DM - "I found something worse than receiving a diagnosis of Alzheimer's. It is not getting the workforce trained in time to care for persons living with Alzheimer's whether at home or in a care center." Ethelle Lord is President remembering4you.com based in Maine Or friends and neighbors who don't understand.
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