How do you explain why your Mother's hair isn't dyed and styled and why she doesn't have a manicure?

I am so sorry for your challenges. It seems overwhelming. When you mention her other children I am reminded of all the times I felt like I was the only one willing to help my mom.

Oddly when I thought about it, practiced and asked my siblings nicely, they jumped right in and pitched in. I realize that I may be somewhat controlling and I like to be sure things are done well, so I don't often ask for help, but the point is... when I considered the situation carefully, I hadn't asked them to help and they didn't.

I found that my brother and sister didn't know what to do. They were unfamiliar with the situation and they didn't want to disturb our routines.

I asked my sister to visit once a month and so she did. She would spend one weekend a month with mom. I asked her to focus on cooking and feeding mom, because that is what she needed most. My sister would shop and cook and fill mom's house and freezer with home cooked meals. She was so thankful for the change to rebuild her relationship with mom, because of my suggestion. What a huge relief to me!

After my mother passed away I asked my brother to clean out the years and years of paperwork. He met with a tax accountant for the guidelines on what documents to keep. He purchased a shredder and went through many, many drawers and boxes of documents and completed the project in 4 days, non stop! What a relief!

At that time I asked my sister to go through all the generations of family photos, sort them and get the photos to the people who should have them. She also completed that task.

Frankly, I'm stunned. They never did Anything! except when I asked. Now I need to think of new tasks for them to do. In my case I find that all I can do is to look at myself and think of what I can do. That's what they tell me in church. They say you can only change yourself. So, what I changed about myself is that I thought about what I could ask my siblings to do that would be helpful. They could do it or not and surprisingly they did it.

The greatest progress was made when I asked specifically.

Perhaps next time your mom has a visitor, you could ask ahead of time for that visitor to arrange for hair and nails. My mom loved having her hair and nails done. It will help your mom to feel good and it will help your siblings to know what they can do that won't take away something you enjoy.

I hope this idea is helpful. If after you ask once it doesn't work, try to think of a way to rephrase it, or think of another request. Keep trying. I hope it works for you.

Personally, I think that if your mother has c-diff that the color of her hair and the evenness of her nails is a trivial consideration. As long as she is neat and clean and getting better is the only concern I would have. I would chalk any complaints of visitors as being petty.

i would write "good idea, when can you do it?" lol...

We kept a journal for years when my grandma was in the NH. Everytime a visitor came, we logged it. Eventually people started signing in when they would arrive. They would leave notes about granny's appearance, what she was eating, how she was, etc. It helped us see how she was with others and different times of day. It also helps you see just who cares and comes to visit. Our names were there every day or at least every other day. We kept a finger nail file and bottle of polish on her bed side table. When one of her sisters came, we would leave a note saying, "please check granny's fingernails". We didn't ask. Some people just need a gentle reminder. I know in our hometown, there is a hairdresser that will go to the area nursing homes and do hair. She only charges a minial fee but it is well worth it. Sometimes she will just comb and make it look better than bed head. But my granny enjoyed feeling like she was being beautified.

You should explain to your sister that mom is in isolation for a reason, that being she could infect someone else. Believe me, no one wants to get c-diff!!! Check with the staff, but I'm sure it's not a good idea to be doing anything like that until your mom is in the clear health wise. Good luck!

Expectation vary from family to family. The visiting sibs must've remembered how "it used to be" but were not grasping the current situation as well. Direct your sibs to a nurse or social worker who can "set them straight" on why your mom isn't going out to a beautician. If a volunteer/paid beautician can provide these niceties at her NH, then go for it. If she isn't supposed to be going out for health reasons, then your familiy members need to defer to your judgement as the main overseer of her care. Are there any other beauty touches that your family members can think of that would be simple and pleasing without going through the rigors of hair-coloring? *Stacylee, your use of a journal to pass along notes is good!

The journal helped us many times. I used to take snacks, etc for granny. But sometimes my sister had already been there and given her an allotment of sugar. lol So then I wasn't duplicating. Her sisters would come to see her and we would just miss them by a few minutes. They would leave a note saying that granny was "good today - knew everyone. Asked about so and so." It helped so much to know what was going on when we weren't there. Also many times, someone would write, "came in today and aide was watching Jerry Springer". That helped us as well. We didn't want granny being subjected to that kind of thing.

I am not going to worry about getting mom's hair dyed until after she is well and far as her nails I keep them clean. I am not worrying about the other sibling (J) as she want come unless the other sibling (L) comes anyway she (J) doesn't want to have to touch our mother, feed her, give her a drink, or anything else. I have asked for help several times most help this one (J) is just mean and refuses and just wants to put what I am doing down, this will never change. I have excepted this for now and I want to thank you all for listening and offering advise.

Sooozi...we should all have it that easy to arrange. You were fortunate.

Visitors concerned about outward cosmetic appearance in ICU...should just stay in the waiting room or send a card..

I am not sure a hospital would allow hair coloring, I could be wrong. You might check with a nurse for people that come in and do nails and hair at the NH or hospital.

We do the journal, as well, and it is a great help.

Best of luck!

Do your best to care for the health of your Mother and just be thankful to be there with her. To heck with the others, they have to live with themselves. I am sure your Mother is beautiful to you without dyed hair or manicured nails so just know the blessings you are receiving from spending this time with her is precious and the others are missing out. As for as wanting her inheritance now, I hope your Mom uses every dime and she gets nothing! God Bless You.