My mom came to live with us 4 years ago, and it is the hardest thing I have ever done. My husband has been a saint, but it is wearing thin on him now. What ever you expect, triple it and then maybe it might be just close to what it will be like. It is not an issue of love. It is an issue of freedom, no privacy, and lack of help from the rest of the family. Believe me when I tell you, those from whom you would least expect bad behavior, will be the ones who run like rats off a sinking ship!!! My brother lives 37 miles away and won't come see her unless he is invited and gets a free meal. In 5 months, he has seen her twice. Both these times have been special occasions.
If you can place them somewhere else where they have help, independence and dignity, do it!!!!!!!!
I wish I had done it. I love my mom, but I can't even get her out of her chair since she is so disabled. She just doesn't understand that it is hard on me and that I am not getting any younger!! Good luck.
Like 'ndolan', my father-in-law is deaf, for all intents & purposes, and puts the tv volume up loud. I like Andy, Opie, & Barney as much as the next fellow, but I am of a quiet nature--tv more often than not makes me nervous/tense: not just loud volume but also the nature of the programming. My blood pressure pills quit working. It was at that point I got into the "Settings" and blocked the level of the volume. My f-i-l never noticed the reduced volume. I hope I have not condemned myself to you-know-where.
You should expect no help from siblings. If u get some that would be a plus, expect very little privacy, you should volunteer to pick up some of the expenses, you should help cook meals, clean up, cut grass, do repairs on the house, go on Dr's visits. Are the in laws disabled to the point of having to be fed; if so you are expected to do it. Any thing that has to be done you r expected to do it. Before things get to this point it would be good to discuss anything u have on your mind with whomever it concerns. (inlaws, siblings, etc.) It is always better to discuss things before and know what is expected than to find out afterward. Things work out better when they can be discussed politely and caringly. It takes a lot of love and compassion do get thru these times but they can work. As long as things are discussed with love and in the open I think they can be handled. If u walk in on a discussion being discussed in a whisper ask what they r talking about and not assume it is about u. There r also social services that can help with things. Good Luck! Dane
Everything said before is absolutely true!!!! At my strong encouragement, we sold our house and moved 2 miles down the road to care for my father-in-law. He was a saint and a true Christian that I had known my entire life. When "his" mother-in-law passed away, he took in a 2 yr old boy, 17 yr old boy and father-in-law in the late 1940s. He had the father-in-law for 15 years of his early married life and raised the 2 yr old as his son. All that said, I felt like he deserved the same help. Knowing him and loving him has helped but it has not been easy at all.
He is at the stage of Alzheimer's that he doesn't understand directions or communication from more than 1 person at a time. His son has always been the one he trusts, eventhough he has an adopted and another blood son. So now, I'm the bad guy. He only wants the son around.
You just have to understand and take everything in stride. If you can not let words roll off, you do not need to move in. If you are emotional, do not take this own.
We have been married 40 years and I considered us a very strong couple. But this has tested us in ways never considered. Nothing will stay the same. Over time they will get worst and require more and more from you.
With everything that has been said, I would do it again. I still believe it was and is the right thing to do. There will come a day that we can't handle the situation and have to find a home but until then we have added several more quality years to his life that he has enjoyed. That is the reward that we needed.
In years to come to be able to look back and know that you did not abandon and look away when you were needed, will give you peace. Good luck!
-How big is the house -- will there be a place you can go for peace and solitude? -Will your comings & goings disturb the older folks? -What financial contributions and time commitments are you two expecting to --or being expected to -- make to care for the senors? -Are there siblings; are they ok with the decision to have you two live in what will eventually be part of their inheritance?
The outcome of your decision depends on your in-laws' states of mental health and physical dependency and the square footage of the house!
My husband and I moved from the East coast to the West coast to move in with and take care of my in-laws. It has been an adjustment. Neither could take care of themselves or be left alone for any length of time. They are in a two-bedroom condo with not a lot of space for privacy - and we need to leave our bedroom door open a crack to keep an ear open should anything happen during the night...which put a strain on our marriage. Basically, this was my first exposure to my inlaws, and for them to me...so my mother-in-law hovered a lot - especially when I was cooking meals. She was used to one way of doing things for the twenty some-odd years they had lived on the west coast away from family.
Last year my mother-in-law passed away, so it is now just my father-in-law...who is mostly deaf, can no longer walk even a foot without a walker. It is more stressful as he turns the TV up to 20 to listen - and refuses to get hearing aids...says he has no hearing problem...we listen to the TV usually at 9, so now my husband is a candidate for hearing aids! His hearing was terrific before we moved here!
These are a few of the things we've run into. It has not been easy, but my inlaws deserve to live out the rest of their lives in dignity in their own home.
My best suggestion is to visit, scope out the situation first, then determine what ground rules you are able to set...and whether you can cope with the rest...before you make the move. This is a major move under the best of circumstances, so it is wise to be prepared.
We are moving in with them because they need our help and refuse to move anywhere. We realize that tihis will not be a permanent solution, but at this time we feel it is the right thing to do. Our son and his family of 5 are moving o=into our large home and maybe someday they may even decide to stay there. Fiancially we will be able to share the folk's expenses thereby making it less stessful for them. This is an agreement between my familly that we will give it a try and see if this solution helps them for NOW. How long NOW will be, only God knows that. We will need lots of support and hopefully we will continue to get it from his siblings and by kids.
If you can place them somewhere else where they have help, independence and dignity, do it!!!!!!!!
I wish I had done it. I love my mom, but I can't even get her out of her chair since she is so disabled. She just doesn't understand that it is hard on me and that I am not getting any younger!! Good luck.
Are the in laws disabled to the point of having to be fed; if so you are expected to do it. Any thing that has to be done you r expected to do it.
Before things get to this point it would be good to discuss anything u have on your mind with whomever it concerns. (inlaws, siblings, etc.) It is always better to discuss things before and know what is expected than to find out afterward.
Things work out better when they can be discussed politely and caringly. It takes a lot of love and compassion do get thru these times but they can work. As long as things are discussed with love and in the open I think they can be handled.
If u walk in on a discussion being discussed in a whisper ask what they r talking about and not assume it is about u.
There r also social services that can help with things. Good Luck! Dane
He is at the stage of Alzheimer's that he doesn't understand directions or communication from more than 1 person at a time. His son has always been the one he trusts, eventhough he has an adopted and another blood son. So now, I'm the bad guy. He only wants the son around.
You just have to understand and take everything in stride. If you can not let words roll off, you do not need to move in. If you are emotional, do not take this own.
We have been married 40 years and I considered us a very strong couple. But this has tested us in ways never considered.
Nothing will stay the same. Over time they will get worst and require more and more from you.
With everything that has been said, I would do it again. I still believe it was and is the right thing to do. There will come a day that we can't handle the situation and have to find a home but until then we have added several more quality years to his life that he has enjoyed. That is the reward that we needed.
In years to come to be able to look back and know that you did not abandon and look away when you were needed, will give you peace. Good luck!
You can look forward to being a caregiver for your in-laws !
Good luck to you.
-Will your comings & goings disturb the older folks?
-What financial contributions and time commitments are you two expecting to --or being expected to -- make to care for the senors?
-Are there siblings; are they ok with the decision to have you two live in what will eventually be part of their inheritance?
The outcome of your decision depends on your in-laws' states of mental health and physical dependency and the square footage of the house!
Last year my mother-in-law passed away, so it is now just my father-in-law...who is mostly deaf, can no longer walk even a foot without a walker. It is more stressful as he turns the TV up to 20 to listen - and refuses to get hearing aids...says he has no hearing problem...we listen to the TV usually at 9, so now my husband is a candidate for hearing aids! His hearing was terrific before we moved here!
These are a few of the things we've run into. It has not been easy, but my inlaws deserve to live out the rest of their lives in dignity in their own home.
My best suggestion is to visit, scope out the situation first, then determine what ground rules you are able to set...and whether you can cope with the rest...before you make the move. This is a major move under the best of circumstances, so it is wise to be prepared.
Fiancially we will be able to share the folk's expenses thereby making it less stessful for them.
This is an agreement between my familly that we will give it a try and see if this solution helps them for NOW. How long NOW will be, only God knows that.
We will need lots of support and hopefully we will continue to get it from his siblings and by kids.
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