Hi Folks, I found this forum helpful when I was dealing with the care of my parents and here I am again, trying to care for an in-law and support my husband.
In our 21 years together, we’ve had ups and downs, but bar none, this was the worst year. We live 2 1/2 hours away from my in-laws. Last Labor Day weekend, she was taken to the hospital. We were to find out later she was filled with cancer and passed away on Halloween. She hospitalized and never came home again.
During those two months my husband stayed with his father at the house and visited his mom every day. Unfortunately he had lost his job of 15 years quite suddenly last July so the timing was good from a care-giving perspective but it’s destroyed us financially.
My father-in-law has always been self-sufficient in terms of him still living independently, and as of November 1, when he was suddenly a widower, my husband did right by his family and opted to stay on hand 2 1/2 hours from me to care for his dad until a course of action could be determined.
FIL is 92, uses a walker, has a pacemaker and in general has a horrible quality of life so we weren't surprised when he was placed on hospice care.
This turned our world upside down, and for seven months of the last year, I was without a car in a rather rural setting with no support network.
Things got bad at Christmas. We wanted to make it the nicest one possible for him. I created a stocking for him, filled it, and frankly, he’s just crabby by nature, so I likely had higher expectations of appreciation than he was prepared to give. No thank you, only complaints.
On Christmas Eve, he was demanding that we sell our house and move into his two-bedroom condo with him (No. For so many reasons, no. Number one reason both hubby and I hate the house and the location that he’s at.) We decided, through a sleepless Christmas Eve, that we would invite him to move in with us. I contacted a contractor to see how much it would cost to make changes to the house to accommodate him. And then he decided no, he was not prepared to make changes to his life.
Since then, I’ve watched my husband be told by him What are you doing here? Why don’t you go get a job, all the while hubby has been on hand to empty his urinal bottles, generally tidy up after him, and make sure that someone is there with him should he need anything.
There is a brother who came for the funeral last November from Texas, but aside from that, he has loved from a distance.
We have depleted all of our savings, keeping ourselves afloat, and anticipating that this man, who’s in hospice, could die at any moment, and it would require my husband to take time off work so that we could empty the house and settle the estate.
(What we haven’t even factored into this situation is that right now, when emotions are running so high for him, trying to complete an interview and start a new job seems like an unrealistic task.)
I guess my question is this: the hospice staff have requested a hospital bed for him he said no, he hasn’t been out of his home in four months because he can’t move. Finally at the end of June my husband moved home but at noon each he calls his dad only to be harangued by him to find a job.) The nature of his work is in computers and generally the type of work tends to be remote,
Now we have BIL and FIL telling him “just get any job even if it the pick-up window at McDonald’s." Personally I don’t think that’s prudent at 61 when your career has been software development.
We know that eventually (in the final days he will likely require someone on hand,,,caregivers at $40/hour or my hubby. (if he's working I'm not sure how he's expected to do that and while I've offered, FiL says "this is a job for my sons"Honestly, I’m not sure whether or not this is a vent or a question, but if anyone’s got any suggestions, I’d appreciate it because this is becoming untenable.
Thanks for reading
It’s not an option. FIL will pull every trick in the book. It doesn’t matter. There is just no other way to go.
FIL sounds like he won’t care if you end up on the street after he dies.
Your first priority needs to get back onto a stable financial footing. Your husband needs to find a job. This is not a good situation for you to be in.
“What are you doing here? Why don’t you go get a job, all the while hubby has been on hand to empty his urinal bottles, generally tidy up after him, and make sure that someone is there with him should he need anything.”
This was after hubby dropped everything to be with him when mom died, stayed with him for 7 months, and you tried to give him the nicest Christmas while he complained.
Now hubby is back home, can get a job and won’t be able to drop everything when FIL goes into crisis mode. You can offer to help him formulate a plan but it sounds like he won’t listen. He’ll probably end up going to the hospital at some point and will have to be released into a care facility.
Yes, he will be mad. But you’ve already given him 7 months of your life and spent your savings. There’s not much more you can do. He says “this is a job for my sons”, but everything has to be on HIS terms. That won’t work.
Sorry you are going through this.
FIL is 92. Frail. A recent widower.
YES this is hard.
YES I feel very very sorry for this (& all of you)
"..he was not prepared to make changes to his life".
I have news for FIL: His life already DID change. He lost his spouse - a MASSIVE change.
Now, he must adapt.
HE must adapt & change - not his adult kids.. moving in delaying job oppodtinitiss.. no.
Yes change is HARD.
FEAR is normal.
But CHANGE he must.
I would arrange a family phone meeting. Speak up with the truth as you see it. Encourage your DH & BIL to have their say also. Then give them some thinking time.. Next, throw them the CHALLENGE.. to stand up to their Dad.
"No, Dad we cannot do this anymore. It is time for a Care Home".
FIL can CHOOSE to get involved in choosing his Care Home or be placed in one by his family.
Note: IF FIL is flexible & independant enough to run a team of visiting home care aides, he MAY be able to stay in his home a little longer.
Thoughts?
First and foremost, job hunting comes first. Father in-law needs to hire in home care or move into a facility for care. Sure, father in-law may get angry and have a few senior tantrums. Ignore them. If he hires someone and fires them, call APS and report a vulnerable adult.
It comes a time and place when an elderly person will need a higher level of care that family members cannot provide without doing harm to their own health or financial future.
Elderly relatives and family can make all the demands they want, but it isn't their responsibility or business to control others.
Sometimes family can become a hindrance when you need to get your own life together. It sounds like hubs need some space and autonomy from his family drama so that he can get his life back on track. Caretaking has a nasty way of inching its way into our lives and taking over leaving us with a feeling of learned helplessness.
At this point, your husband at sixty years old may be feeling the anxiety of competing with the younger generation for jobs along with other technological advances that may be eliminating certain jobs from the job market. In other words, he may feel he's too old to start over and feel lost and overwhelmed causing this search inertia. AARP has their own workshops that can help build confidence getting folks back out there in the ring for jobs.
Your husband needs to go to work .
Doing right by his father does not mean he has to quit his job and do the hands on caregiving . Doing right by his Dad can be finding a facility for him .
Doing right by his wife and marriage and his own career and your collective finances should be number one.
You cannot allow anybody to dictate terms of caregiving.
Does FIL have money? He needs to pay someone then. Husband can visit after work or when it gets worse can stay longer after work but absolutely no sacrificing your own retirement.
About emptying his house in event of his demise, hiring somebody which could be paid from FIL estate while husband is working at the job should work after you both decided what to keep.
And he may just have to settle for less at his age, but something is better than nothing right?
I think that your husband is using the fact that his father is ill/old an excuse to not go out and get a job, and I say good for his father for calling him out on it.
Your husband's top priorities should be you, your marriage, your children/grandchildren(if applicable)his job and both your financial stability, then other family members.
His father can hire any help that he may need now or in the future with his own money, and if money is an issue he'll have to apply for Medicaid.
My late husband was under hospice care in our home for the last 22 months of his life, so your FIL may live quite a good while yet.
So tell hubby to get off his butt, quit making excuses, and get a job to get you guys out of your financial bind.