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Well, Dad has aways had an anger issue but now my husband has stared yelling me. This morning I was going to address them together but I awoke with a migrane. Dad is still trying to run a 200 acre ranch with little success. When I do give into him and help him with a repair, he yells at me and blames me for all that goes wrong. Now I noticed that my retired husband as started losing his temper with me over little things. I took the week off of work to work around the house but every time I asked my husband, he has yelled at me. I have spent more time with lately and tried to seperate myself from my fathers affairs only to find myself in a simular situation with my husband. What do have to do? Tell them both at the same time or seperate to stop taking their frustrations out on me?

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Short of getting him a full work-up, can you get him to agree to a safe driving test? They are run by AAA or AARP. Tell him that if he is really safe to drive, then he will pass the test with flying colors and it will ease your mind.

Attack the symptoms without naming the disease.
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It's tough for everyone involved with aging parents, including the parent.. But at least you have some knowledge about what's been going on..

My advise to you if you haven't already is seek an Elder care Atty and make sure Dad's assets and medical wishes are in order. It will save you a lot of aggravation down the line.
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Wow, not the answer I wanted to hear. I thought if he read the symptoms he would recognize he may have a medical problem. I guess if I had better control of him, it wouldn’t be so hard but knowing he is climbing in and out of heavy farming equipment it worries me even more. I had talked to him several times, using different approached each time only for him to tell me he’s not stupid or he’s careful. He tells me not to worry, but that will never happen. I see now the excuses are part of the disease.

Someone asked if he had other family members that had the same or similar conditions, and yes, I believe his Mother had a form of dementia though I do not remember her ever to be diagnosed. I always thought it was alcohol induced and alcoholism is prominent in the family. We have talked about Alzheimer before. He said hoped he never got it because it is a horrible disease. Dad doesn’t want to be a burden, but he doesn’t see the danger he is putting himself in and others on the road when he’s driving or operating the farm equipment. He is very intelligent and reads all time. I am not only concerned about his immediate health, but I am concerned what is going to happen if he ever becomes completely dependent and require fulltime care.

409 Ranch
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i dont think a person with dementia is ever going to acknowlege that diagnosis. strange thing , but few mentally ill people are able to see their problem. rationality eludes them. you might be able to convince dad that hes in over his head where physical limitations are concerned tho.
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Geez, that's a hard one. My husband is diagnosed with dementia of the Alzheimer's type, and we refer to it as memory problems or ADHD. He doesn't have anything wrong with him. Just ask him. Others have said that they could not cope without the spouse knowing exactly what is wrong.

What will your father say if you show him the list? I don't imagine it will go well. "What do you mean? I'm as smart as I ever was. I've forgotten more than you'll ever know!" (Direct quote from my daddy.) Did he have parents who went through a decline? Has he ever said "I would want to be told if I had cancer"? If so, he might possibly be able to accept facts.

It might be better if you focused on one or two specific areas where his problems are obvious, and discuss how to handle things so the problems won't cause trouble. If you can blame his eyesight, for example, and not his brain, he might agree to let someone with better vision help him decide what to do.

On this website, a man named David Hilfiker writes about learning that he has AD. It is so interesting to read how he reacts! But he's an unusual man.

Good luck to you, and keep telling us what's happening.
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Well, here I am again. After another disastrous five days on the ranch. Another one of Dad’s brilliant ideas has caused a string of bad decisions, damaged property and loss of funds. This time was a little different as that I included my brother in my frustrations, calling him several times to advise him that we have got start controlling Dad in his poor decisions, not only endangering himself but myself and my husband. He had little to contribute except that what ever I descided to do, he would support me in my decision. So I found myself wandering back to this web site only to do a little additional research in dementia and Alzheimer. I believe I have stumbled onto valuable information and connecting my father’s current condition with the onset of dementia. I have printed a “symptom” article off and was wondering if I should share this information with my father.
Does anyone have any input to me sharing this information with Dad?
Did you approach your parent when you started suspecting these symptoms?
409 Ranch
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Thanks for updating us, 409. I hope your father is able to see reason. Hope it all works out.
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One down. Husband and I had a good talk and put all on the table. We are on the same page. I have been letting Dad handle his ranching by himself and I believe it finally dawned on him last night is it more than a one person, four hour a day job. He turns 83 tomorrow and not in the best health. Tonight we will have our heart to heart. I have tried this several times over the last five months with lttle success but I believe he has seen the light. I am not here to help him run the ranch but help him with the everyday struggles of getting older and living alone. Patience and prayers is a major key in raising a aging parent and many times we have to put our personal fellings aside. Thanks to this site for letting us at least have somewhere to vent and others that understand.

I'll report later the resultsnof tonights meeting of the minds.
God bless. 409 Ranch
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My husband can be that way from time to time. Usually he is stressed about something. Could be he has something on his mind that is bothering him. That is usually how I respond to my husband when he yells. I just just ask him what is bothering him. Sometimes he doesn't even realize he is raising his voice! I know you can work through this! Just keep trying different approaches and see what works.
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misdirected anger..thats why your husband is getting snarly. men also get snarly when they have a bit of depression too. guys sometimes get hateful when situations are too emotional for them . either way it might pay to just explain calmly to your husband that hes being hateful to the person who cares about him the most. if that dont work put a price on his outbursts. when he treats you badly stop cooperating or doing for him till he yells uncle. hes manipulating you in a way. bullying to get you to comply with his wishes.
dad needs some tonka trucks and an ant farm or some young men or women employees to operate his menagerie. i wouldnt be interested in agriculture regardless of the profits.
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Mostly when people yell, it's because they are unhappy. Your husband might have gotten freaked out at your openness or vulnerability. He may be afraid that you will start asking him for things he can't do. (Like listen to you. Men are generally afraid of their wives because they represent the all-powerful mother. Not you, Captain.)

I think he is yelling at you because he is upset or worried or feeling that he's getting old, or even wishing you were a swimsuit model. You don't have to take it, but you can try asking him what's wrong. Unlike your father, he probably is more flexible and self-aware enough to answer.

"Honey, you are yelling at me a lot these days. Yesterday at dinner.... and again this morning when you said.... You didn't used to act like that. Is something wrong? Are you worried or not feeling well? I hate it when you yell at me. Do you know why you're doing it? We have another 30 years to get through together. I want for us to get along. Can we fix this?"

I bet he wants to be happier too. Maybe you two can find solutions.
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Tell them seperate, right after they yell at you. Calmly or yell but be firm, and say no more.
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So you think your husband is deliberately trying to hurt you by yelling at you? He sounds like an emotional bully. Just tell him to stop and that it is destructive. If he continues, have a consequence and stick to it.
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Setting boundries is one of my goals. I was just surprised my husband starting acting like my father. I have started opening up to my husband more and now I wonder if I have opened up too much. I wonder if he sees I'm vulnerable and taking advantage of this. Im. tired of being treated like a child when it seems I'm the only adult in the family.
Seperatly it is. Thanks for the support.
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I hate getting yelled at. I hate having my husband yell in my direction, even when he isn't angry at me!

I heard a story once where a child said to the teacher, "Please don't yell at me. I don't yell at you!" That was one startled teacher!

Rather than a "discussion", I recommend saying, "The next time you blame me and yell at me, I'm going home. (or walking away for 5 minutes.) I don't like it when you yell, and I won't put up with it."

"You can yell as much as you want to. I'm just not going to stay here and listen to it!"

Then follow through. People, especially men, hate being lectured or explained to. Just "tell it like it is." Good luck. Some people do seem to yell a lot.
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Separately. To speak to them together sounds like you lecturing 2 children...even if they do behave like one. The thing is when you tell them no more yelling at you, do you have a Consequence of what would happen if they Still Yell at you? It would be useless to have this talk and say, "I'm a grown woman and I expect to be shown respect by not being yelled at. I don't like it. So please stop yelling at me." or something similar. Yes, you stated that you don't like being yelled at but that never stopped a child from misbehaving. When you teach children, you also offer the consequences of their actions. Do you have that also planned out in your talk with them?

Once you state the consequence, be prepared for them to Not listen and still yet at you. Are you able to carry out the consequence? Useless if you cannot. It's called setting boundaries. And just like children, they will test the boundaries you set. And not just children..even employees test to see how far they can do before they get reprimanded by their supervisors. People will always test the parameters/rules set....Hope it works out for you.
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My husband has an outlet. I don't. I'm trying but I am must clean up my clutter and mess first (under the dirctions of my doctor). My father would love to have me 24/7 but I have told him I am married and have a full time job and dont want the family ranch. An issue I discussed several months ago. I told him if he wants to actively work the ranch at 83 he must do it on his on or hire someone to help. Dad has always been a bully and lately I have been talking back. As for my husband, this has just started being an issue. So I thought if I showed him I could do anything without him it might change his attitude. He has appologized but I don't understand this new habit. I am going to talk to them both about the bullying but I don't know should I tell them together or seperate.
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They yell at you because you allow it. Really. Tell them that behavior is not acceptable. When they do it again, you walk away from them. Draw emotional boundaries and stick to them.
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I'd say your husband has had enough and rather than tell you that, he's venting his anger in the form of yelling. I'm of the opinion that he needs an outlet all of his own to blow off steam. Whether it's golf, bowling, motorcycles, running, boxing etc. he needs to have some time to let it all out. Same goes for you.
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