Estranged sister back after father’s passing. Any advice?

SingSong - I was stuck by your last sentence. Why do you think your sister's reappearance could result in separating you from your mother? Is your sister now living with your mother? Is she barring you from access to your Mom?

I shuddered reading your story because I have a sister like that too. One who expects bygones to be bygones and to be greeted with open arms (and wallets) whenever she shows up with another sob story about why she needs help this time. My first thought is that maybe your sister sees an opening here to get in line for your parents' resources, such as they are. I hope you have POA and health care proxy for your mother. If not, this is the time to get it.

No my mother wants nothing of POA she has heard a lot of stories where greedy children can take over. I think she wants to avoid it as long as possible. Yes if history repeats itself my sister will borrow pay a bit back borrow even more and so on. My mother feels sorry for her where as the rest of us have always been finically responsible. Glad to know I’m not the only one with a sister like this. Thanks, I need to elaborate a bit more on my last sentence.

I assume your mom still has her mind and capable of free choice which means there is nothing you can do about it; if she refuses to get a POA, there is nothing you can do about it. She can only appoint one if she has her mind; otherwise, only a court order will appoint one for her if she loses her capacity of sound mind.  If it's something you can't change, you have to accept it. But you may want to talk to your mother about the "look back law" of Medicaid (five years) so if she starts giving her assets away this will be seen as gifting to Medicaid. If you don't know what a five year look back law means I suggest you do some research on this. If you ever have to deal with Medicaid you will realize just how dirty and calculating the Federal government is. 

I have the same sister! Borrowed from my parents, never paid it back, lied to them for years. When my father died she went to my mother’s house, took the checkbooks, and told my mother that she would use Mums money to build a second story on her house and Mum could live with her. When Mum said “no” my sister stormed away and wouldn’t let the granddaughter see her ever again. Your sister has come back to get what she canout of your mother. Mother’s never see it and are too vulnerable to.

I have a similar situation. My sister is a rageaholic & has been emotionally and financially abusive of my parents. I've tried to step up for them but Dad always tells me to leave it alone. On my Mom a birthday, in Sept, I organized a small gathering at my folks. I ordered food and paid for everything. My sister, went to the bank with my father earlier and WITHDREW $2000 from his account. Long story short I told him" This is NOT MY PROBLEM! You've allowed her to do what she wants with your money. Leave me out of it. !" I can't take care of my Mom and all her needs w/advanced dimension and take on more. It's about taking care of myself too.

You might think about filing a complaint against your sister for "financial exploitation" with Adult Protective Services. If you can find ANY evidence of "borrowing" without any payback, that should meet the definition (using mother's money for sister's own benefit), and if it's current, APS ought to be able to at least put a crimp in it, if not stop it entirely -- although I don't know what the penalty for that would be, but it should be worth a look, at least.

I'm very sorry for your and your family's loss.

It's one thing to condemn a sibling you mistrust and dislike. It's another to do that to your child. Are you really surprised that your mother wants this reconciliation and chooses to hope for better things in the future? Though in fact never mind surprised - you're actually offended to the extent that, even fleetingly, you're prepared to walk away from your mother forever.

So, what... If your mother loves your sister then she can't love you? If it's not realistic to hope your sister might be healed, then it's wrong of her mother even to wish for it?

Your sister sounds a wreck. She also sounds like she'll be off again before long, particularly if your mother hasn't much to offer her. If money becomes an issue then try to deal with it dispassionately, pointing out that on the one hand your mother isn't Lady Muck and can't afford to support a grown woman with 6x alimony (?); and on the other that your sister is waaaaaay beyond sticking plaster remedies and can't benefit from the little your mother can do for her. But other than that I should just wait it out, if I were you. You have enough grief to be going on with.

Your sister has returned for potential inheritance. Is there any money from your dad’s estate? Go ahead and make it clear there is no money.

Your sister will be gone soon enough. Don’t blame your mom so quickly. Unless there is something you didn’t mention?

To make a long story short, the psychological aspects must come into play when the "good daughter vs the bad daughter" dynamics comes into play. I say this because in all matters where parents allow themselves to be abused in any way be it financial abuse of physical abuse, there is always the issue of guilt and an unheard voice within them telling them...her behavior is all my fault; I should have done "more" for her; I should have been there more for her; I should not have let that happen to her and so on. While you may not have watched closely as a child or teenager the sister's (or brother's) actions growing up in the same household, SOMETHING happened to cause one or both parents to believe they failed their son or daughter in some horrible manner and now they must PAYBACK in allowing ANY KIND OF ABUSE as a way to ease any guilty feelings. Interestingly enough, the sibling will almost always know what they are doing and feel they deserve to mistreat their parent(s) as a form of emotional payback on their part. BE CAREFUL WITH THESE ONES as they also underlie the makings of a serial killer in time. Forgive and forget is not the best policy here. FORGIVE and stay far away as possible is the best practice. After all....they always need a fall on guy, once death of a parent enters the picture. Try not to let it be you as the cycle of this form of abuse only ends at death of the abuser and they TEND TO HAVE A MENTEE take their place in the dynamics!

I share the opinion of the other posters. This all has to do with money.
Also...you MUST get POAs for all issues on your mother. There will come a time when it may be too late. I just ran into this with my parents...all was fine until my father was hospitalized with a broken back. I found that none of their paperwork was up to date, and in fact had expired. I was lucky he was still of sound mind and could sign a new will, POAs etc. It is 4 week later and he is going to LTC, we know he won’t walk again and will not come home.
When something happens, it happens fast..you must find a way to get thru to your mother. My father understood when I told him that if he did not have an active POA, he would become a ward of the state and we would not be able to help him as he wishes.
I wish you hugs and good luck with this. It wont get easier from here.

OK this sounds like a money thing at first but I'm wondering about another angle.....maybe the sister stayed away so long because of the father, maybe he was mad at her or told her to stay away, and now that he's gone she feels like coming back into the fold. Maybe it's not about money. I have no idea of course, but it's just another possibility. Did your father tell her to stay away?

Just one thing to note. I had a similar situation with money being drained out of my mom's assets and I wasn't informed about it until years later. Now mom who has dementia, is on limited income with bills to pay. There is no money to pay for anything extra she may need and there is 0 set aside for funeral expenses. If things were different I would have gotten a POA earlier to stop some of the financial losses. This has caused a big riff in my own family as my husband believes I should have brought charges against my sibling, and makes any family gathering impossible. So you can either be the meanie now and stand up to your sister or wait it out and wish you did. Either way there is going to be hurt and anxiety.

Yes, and of course it can be money + other things, it doesn't have to be either/or. I agree it is important to know whether father protected mother from sister so that you know if there are defences that have to be rebuilt.

Coppertino’s assessment is probably accurate. Parents feel guilt and think that they are the cause of their child’s problems. Hence, they try to compensate to alleviate their own guilt. You can’t change your mother’s feelings. Your sister will show her true colors but that may not change anything. In fact it may make your mother try harder to appease her. The situation will only change if your mother wants it to. If your mother is of sound mind and refuses to have a POA this is out of your hands.

I totally agree with it's a guilt thing with the mother...I have seen this first hand except the sibling never left and my mother took care of him until he was 54 and he finally moved out...sorry but this is something you need to deal with because the mother will never stop loving her child and will give her chance after chance after chance...I stopped talking to my sib and I don't talk about him to her...it's like she's forgotten the hell she went through the last 28 yrs and he's now the golden child...groan...and my mom to this day doesn't think he'd lie cheat or steal...a leopord won't/can't change it's spots...

Tell us why she stayed away when your father was around. Was it:
1. He was protecting your mother from the evil sister
2. He was the bad guy and the sister was scared of him
3. Something else

If your sister is that violent I would file a protection order against her to keep her away from family until she gets help. It appears she hasn't changed in her years away from your family. Don't do this by yourself, consult an elder care lawyer. You can forgive her, but from a distance. She has to show (and act out) any change in order to receive that forgiveness in person. She needs to understand her current emotional outbursts are going to keep her from her mother, not you (let the lawyer tell her that). Be there for your mom to protect her from any physical abuse and if you have to bring someone with you in case she does just to throw her out. I feel strongly on this bc I have a sibling who's physically and verbally abusive to me and has given her husband permission to be the same plus allowing him to be sexually aggressive toward me as well. It's very uncomfortable to say the least and I need protection from them. So get with a lawyer asap for your mother's and the rest of the family's sake (your sister's too).

coppertino, you nailed it... my sister was abusive to me and my mother. I finally went and had a protective order made, and she basically beat up the police. I am terrified she will come back and hurt my mother who has dementia (84). My mother will let her in. Feels I should forgive her too. She did not come back until after my father died. Immediately started looking for nursing homes for my mother. After we finally got her out of the house and took her to court. (she lives out of state and stayed in a motel until the court date) She tried to tell the judge that my mom should be in a nursing home. Unknown to her, was that I have durable POA. She looked at me, and I saw the Devil, and said, "NO you don't!" I looked at the judge and said, would you like to see the papers?" and that was it. She finally left the state and we haven't heard from her. Well, getting the point , today is her birthday, and now my mother wants to call her. After 2 years, she feels guilty, and told me I should read the Bible more, and forgive her. She has forgotten what happened before, I reminded her today, but to no avail. Sorry, for the long story, but I really feel coppertino said it best.

When my mom became tragically disabled from a stroke my brother who had taken all of my parents life savings while using drugs..completely abandoned her. I do expect that when the time comes he will return looking for any money that frankly doesnt exist. Some people have no conscience. They may be our family members but for me to save my sanity all these years I have had to numb myself to my brothers horrible behavior. I accept him for what he is and don't expect anything kind , compassionate or helpful from him. It's a painful truth. I focus on helping my parents the best that I can.

I believe SingSong should make a point of emphasizing (to her mother) the importance of the "look back" period Medicaid uses, as this may motivate her mother to be more tight-fisted if the sister shows up asking for money: "Sorry, I can't give you any money because I will be applying for Medicaid soon." This will serve two purposes: a) Even if her mother never needs to go on Medicaid, it will help preserve her assets so SingSong can inherit at least some of it, and b) It might give the impression the mother has little in the way of assets (even if she actually has much more) so the sister may lose interest in coming around.

Mine was a brother, addict.

He found religion and we were supposed to 'bend over backwards' for him.

I tolerated to the best of my abilities but there was no love left for him.

I started asking people, "just how do you forgive someone not asking for forgiveness?"

You can "not hate" anymore, but forgiveness would mean the person is asking for forgiveness and my brother never asked and I'm betting your sister isn't either.

Just do the best you can.

I agree with others here that your sister is there for money. She may now believe that your mother is more vulnerable and easier to manipulate because your father is gone. I can relate to your situation. I have a niece (42 years old) who has stolen from my mother and other family members for decades - since she was at least 15 years old. This niece is no longer allowed in the homes of almost all members of my family. We may be able to forgive her, but we are not going to subject ourselves to the risk of further theft. She will steal anything, no matter how big or small - cash, credit cards, medications, food, clothes, whatever isn't nailed to the floor. She has stolen from everyone in the family, including her three children. Still, my mother will allow her into her home when she comes around crying about how she just needs to get on her feet and needs some money etc. to make it through a temporary time. Of course, the niece then steals whatever is available. I have no idea how many thousands of dollars my mother has given her. My mother is her grandmother. My brother is my niece's father. Niece has stolen from him for decades as well, and he still "feels guilty" about saying no on the rare occasion. She is a bully and a criminal. She has threatened to burn down my brother's house. Her boyfriend has threatened to kill my mother, my niece's special needs son, and other members of the family. It's all about manipulation in order to get whatever she needs at the time, usually money. My advice is to implement whatever security measures are needed to protect your mother, to the extent possible. Your mother will resist attempts to keep your sister away from her. My heart goes out to you.

Yes that too stealing of medications. My mother is now totally brainwashed and grief stricken. She is choosing to alienate the rest of the family who have always been there for her for this daughter who decided to show back up. Most of the bad things that we know of were told to us by my parents. Then accepted back and we are supposed to let all the bad go. No. She will rear her ugly side again as this has been happening over and over for 30 years. Sad..

I don't have enough information. It's also very difficult because people always tell their sides. I don't have your mother's side or your sister's side. But I do have some questions:

Who is going to take care of your mother in the future? Who is going to be responsible for her?

How much money does your mother have? How much does she need? Does she have any extra? If so, where will it go?

Does it upset you that your mother gives your sister money? If so, why?

Does your mother give your sister more money than she gives you?

Does it bother your mother that your sister doesn't give anything in return for the money?

Why did your sister stay away from your father? Why is your sister so angry?

Are you communicating your feelings to your mother and sister?

Yes, the past is the past. The past is also the best predictor of the future.

None of the other children owe them money and always responsible adults. The sister is the baby and we think stayed away because our parents were starting to let her know they needed some money paid back she did pay a little back and then after years being estranged moved back in state with another hard luck story of latest husband beating her up.

Sure, got it. You thoroughly disapprove of this sister and her treatment of your parents. Boo grr hiss.

So. What do you think your mother ought to do both for her own peace of mind and to protect her financial security? What approach could she take that you would approve?

And is there anything your sister could conceivably do which you would not one way or another find reprehensible?

I have similar going on after Dad passed 5 years ago at 84. I was very close with Dad & Mom the last 10 or more years before Dad passed. Apparently they put my brother 'in charger'. Brother & wife have long history if drug abuse, ill health, physical abuse (fisticuffs with Dad) & 3 sons ages 21 to 27 who don't work at all. Brother & wife moved in, blocked me from ANY contact with Mom & convinced Mom to put everything in his name... yes, there is a good amount of assets. I contacted APS & was told that is not abuse! Mom was imagining things when last I talked to her. When I attempted to inform brother, no more, no less, he screamed horrible abusive accusations at me then I was blocked completely. All he says & does, he then claims I did to him. MIN was hispitalized & no one would tell me. My instincts felt something was wrong & I had to go through others to find out. I am trying to walk away, for myself ... but She is My Mom! I wish I knew & could help others. Why so ugly?

I had the same sort of problems with my brother and sister. My brother soaked my parents for quite a bit of money "loaned" for his house.. and after my dad died he soaked my mother for more so he wouldn't lose his house to foreclosure. My sister was absent from care giving for my mom except for a 6 month period that ended with her putting mother in a nursing home--- after telling me that would never happen. I got my mom from the nursing home and took care of her till she died 6 years later. My sister sued me because she thought there should be more money in the estate. Well, I have to work to keep my health insurance, so I paid ladies to stay with my mom during the day, and when she stopped walking I had a lady come and be with me and Mom in the evening because it was difficult (even though she weighed 100 pounds!) to manage her by myself.
As someone said... it doesn't get easier. After all is said and done there are no medals for the "good" child. Your reward will be in knowing you did the best you could for your mom.
I did get her to put her assets into a trust, and that helped with my brother not getting money from her, me being the trustee. It was a bit of a pain, though, because my sister used the trust as an excuse to say she had been left out of an inheritance .. so she badmouthed me for the last 6 years and when my mom died she refused to sign anything that let me settle the estate and then sued me for not settling the estate. Just wrapping that up this week.
See all you have to look forward to? Try to get POA, and try to talk with your mom about a trust. Remember, though, what she does with her money is up to her. You can council, but it is still her decision. A mother's heart goes out to her children, especially the prodigal child.

My brother always made sure that I wasn't there when he talked to dad. He verbally attacked him about money, vehicles, etc. My dad finally told me he was afraid bro was going to strike him. The aid told me she was also afraid. Of course when i told dad I was calling the ombudsman he stepped back and didn't want any problems and begged the aid not to report the situation. Bro was involved in shooting sports and dad didn't want his weapons confiscated, or him banned from the AL facility as he had been from the rehab facility. I asked if he was sure he wanted to keep seeing him under these conditions, and he said yes. Bro even threatened to move away to punish dad. I told dad who cares? He's not helping you!

Your mother forgives her and loves her. Do think your sister would do the same again? Take her money, I mean. Your mother would never see it coming. You need to keep an eye on her, protect your Mom.