Estranged sister back after father’s passing. Any advice?
After my father’s passing an estranged sister has come back and reconciled with our mother. She caused great hardship for my parents by borrowing money, not paying it back, causing them to live on credit cards. Over the years they told me of so many sad hurtful things she said and did, she was even physical against my mother. I believe she has a personality disorder having had six marriages all with domestic violence and was abusive to her children. Her children cut ties with her and she has never met her grandchildren. I had to eliminate her from my life for my own well being. I was glad all those years that she stayed away. I think it was much better for my parents. The last visit with my mother did not go well, she was so emotional and angry, asking why won’t everybody forgive and just be a family, does my sister have to pay for her wrong doing for the rest of her life? I wish I never went that day, it was so awkward. I was shocked by the change in her feelings from sadness to anger. We were getting through this day by day until my sister gets involved. I am not giving up but accepting that this is my mother’s choice. This is a time of grief for a father that I always loved and respected. Not a time that I will allow my sister back into my life. Now how do I handle perhaps never seeing my mother again?
I shuddered reading your story because I have a sister like that too. One who expects bygones to be bygones and to be greeted with open arms (and wallets) whenever she shows up with another sob story about why she needs help this time. My first thought is that maybe your sister sees an opening here to get in line for your parents' resources, such as they are. I hope you have POA and health care proxy for your mother. If not, this is the time to get it.
It's one thing to condemn a sibling you mistrust and dislike. It's another to do that to your child. Are you really surprised that your mother wants this reconciliation and chooses to hope for better things in the future? Though in fact never mind surprised - you're actually offended to the extent that, even fleetingly, you're prepared to walk away from your mother forever.
So, what... If your mother loves your sister then she can't love you? If it's not realistic to hope your sister might be healed, then it's wrong of her mother even to wish for it?
Your sister sounds a wreck. She also sounds like she'll be off again before long, particularly if your mother hasn't much to offer her. If money becomes an issue then try to deal with it dispassionately, pointing out that on the one hand your mother isn't Lady Muck and can't afford to support a grown woman with 6x alimony (?); and on the other that your sister is waaaaaay beyond sticking plaster remedies and can't benefit from the little your mother can do for her. But other than that I should just wait it out, if I were you. You have enough grief to be going on with.
Also...you MUST get POAs for all issues on your mother. There will come a time when it may be too late. I just ran into this with my parents...all was fine until my father was hospitalized with a broken back. I found that none of their paperwork was up to date, and in fact had expired. I was lucky he was still of sound mind and could sign a new will, POAs etc. It is 4 week later and he is going to LTC, we know he won’t walk again and will not come home.
When something happens, it happens fast..you must find a way to get thru to your mother. My father understood when I told him that if he did not have an active POA, he would become a ward of the state and we would not be able to help him as he wishes.
I wish you hugs and good luck with this. It wont get easier from here.
See All Answers