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I want to tell my story with hopes of helping myself and others. My Mom moved near me 22 years ago. My Sister and Mom always argued. We enjoyed every weekend together, spoke every night. Two years ago Mom moved into my house. She paid the minimum living expenses, I absorbed $200.00 to keep her savings up for emergencies. My husband and I moved closer to our jobs. In May 2020 my very healthy Mom started to get symptoms. By June she would sleep a lot and was not eating. Her doctor suggested I take her to the emergency room for testing. She first had a UTI and low sodium. They kept her overnight, but the sodium would drop each time they removed the IV. I begged them to find out what was wrong. So she had cancer, much too large to remove, in her abdomen. She was too old to go through chemo. I moved in with her for what could be weeks to months. We did not know. I took good care of her, it was very difficult watching her die, she did not believe she had cancer. A little dementia helped her to forget her struggles, pain and accidents. She fell right in front of me 3 times, it was so traumatic. I had sleepless nights for nearly 10 weeks. Hospice came, but they were little help, especially during Covid. All 22 years, my sister rarely called Mom. She visited 2X well once was to pickup the furniture she wanted from my parents house. She was always happy to meet at Disney, if I shared the cost. If Mom wanted to see her, I had to drive 5 hrs, stay in a hotel, board my dogs. All at my expense. I had a bad fall and so I could no longer drive that far, hence my Sister and Mom did not meet for 7 years. My sister was diagnosed with stage one breast cancer in December 2019. She had aggressive chemo after surgery in March. In July 2020 was the last of 3 chemo treatments. From December to June I sent uplifting cards, gifts and money every week. I also offered to help financially, I would stop putting money in my retirement fund, to help her get the best treatment. My sister said Medicare and insurance covered most everything. Then came caregiving and I shifted my attention to my Mom. I had to text my sister begging her to call Mom, my fear was that she would linger. My sister had told me many times she would not travel to Mom’s funeral, I could plan it. So I did pre plan the funeral, no input was given whatsoever. Oh by the way, my husband purchased Mom’s plot years ago, since she could not afford it. Mom passed away in August. We did a zoom funeral for my sister that was another burden on me finding someone to take off from work to zoom, a video would not do. End of story, I had to pay for the funeral in order to keep the date. The life insurance was more than enough, but we were both beneficiaries. My sister agreed to send me half once she got the money. I printed the forms and sent the death certificate overnight. My sister called and received it. Weeks go by, she had not sent in the paperwork. I asked once a week what could I do to help, my credit card is maxed and I had to postpone my own medical tests, a crown replacement, surgery on my gum. My dogs both got ill, my husband got ill. All from stress. 3 months later, my sister texted me that she will keep the money from the life insurance because it was intended for her and she had cancer, and that was expensive. My first response was oh no, the doctor found more cancer? She said no, they did not, they will monitor. Now, if I add up all of my debts that are not reimbursable it is around 12K. We both got half of Mom’s savings too, so all of my hard work to keep her savings for a nursing home or in home care, went to my sister. I hope this helps someone else to be very careful, do not trust your own family. Take care of yourself first. Get a caregiver’s contract, as suggested. My question, am I wrong to be estranged should I just leave my sister alone, send a Christmas card like normal?

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You all are what I needed. I appreciate that you took the time to answer. You made me realize that I have so many blessings in my life, the most wonderful husband for 30 years. Two dogs, emotional support dogs for sure. I did call 3 attorneys and they said the same, no estate means the will is not probated. Anyway, I love my sister from years ago and I will have to think of her as that person. I will not help her financially, nor will I mail her anything that she asked for, without her paying for it upfront. I set boundaries and told her exactly how I felt (in a text). It is very sad, but I had the most wonderful Mother to care for at the end. I cannot go backwards so I am moving forward. AlvaDeer, you are amazing and I know you are right, stage 1, and no cancer found in the lymph nodes is a huge blessing for her. I did suggest counseling many times, as hospice offers it to all family members, it is not just for grief (but she said she has no grief for her mother). I told her to text me after counseling and healing (for both of us). I wrote “you are a cancer survivor” now. You need help to see how wonderful that is. At my job half of my team are cancer survivors. I wish all of you the best holidays and many blessings. Stay safe and healthy in 2021.
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Did it not say anything about this in your mother's life insurance policy? "Life insurance" for a person of your mother's age is often just a very polite way of saying "funeral expenses cover."

Among the few things that invariably take precedence when it comes to claims on an estate are the deceased person's funeral expenses. No matter how rock-hard frozen bank accounts may be, funds can be released to meet these.

So your sister's supposing that your mother's intended bequest to her outranks your mother's funeral expenses sounds dodgy to me. I VERY rarely say this, but I think you should get legal advice.

The rest of it... I'm sorry, and I'm so sorry for how you must feel and how hard it must be not to bitter about all that's happened.

'Send a Christmas card like normal...' It sounds to me like you've spent far too much time and money already on trying to keep things normal. You saved your mother's money "in case" she had future care needs - but she already HAD care needs. Didn't they count? You ran yourself ragged making life easy for your sister. Did you never say "enough!"?

But there are reasons (*apart* from selfish bitchdom) why people behave as your sister has done, and a big one is that the person they've exploited appallingly (you) has not thought it necessary to point out the obvious. She thought it was acceptable to let you do all of the heavy lifting because you did it. And probably never complained?

How about you take a break from her, have a go at deciding on a few boundaries, and then see how you feel next year?
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I send Christmas cards to people I love, or people I like. So I guess the question is, do you at least like your Sister? If so send a nice card signed "Love, from me, and best wishes for a happy healthy New Year". And then on you go with your own life if that is what you wish. It is a waste of time, and negative energy to think on these things. At the time you chose to do these things, YOUR CHOICE, on your own. Today knowing all you may have done it differently, but the point is that it is all done. I am very sorry to hear you spent a lot of your own money because quite honestly at some point in our lives we must protect ourselves from becoming a burden on our own family and on a staggering system to the extent we can. But you did what you felt best then. I am sorry for all the loss. I am sorry your and your sister's relationship isn't strong. My brother and I were Hansel and Gretel in every forest we had in live; it was such a joy, such a help to me every step in my life. I am thrilled to hear your sister was stage one. I had cancer already spread to two lymph nodes 34 years ago, and here I still am, so the odds are in her favor. I am sorry for your loss, and I am hopeful that you go on from here, celebrating your Mom's life, the support you rendered, and make a good life for you, your hubby and the pups.
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When there is a life insurance policy with a beneficiary, the money is the beneficiaries to do with it as they please. I had a friend whose company provided a 100k insurance policy. (20k was deducted for every year over 70 until 15k) My friend was in her early 60s when she passed. She had remarried only a few years before both having children by previous marriages. So of course her only child, a girl, was beneficiary. Now my friend expected her funeral to be paid out of that 100k. But the daughter didn't see it that way and kept the 100k. Yes, you would think a life insurance policy would be used on funeral expenses but if not stipulated, the beneficiary is not entitled to do do so.

In hindsight what u could have done is pay your half and have the Funeral Home bill ur sister. Send a card. If no return card or at least a phone call, let it go. You now know that sister is a taker. Don't expect anything from her and don't do anything for her. If she asks for money, tell her sorry but paying for Moms funeral really put you in a hole. In the long run, you got nothing because your half of the savings and insurance went to offset Moms funeral cost.

My Uncle did not believe in Life Insurance policies I now can see why, because he wouldn't profit from having one the beneficiary does. His funeral may not get covered nor his debts paid. Really, the only way it works is if you have a young family or a widow. Why do your adult kids or anyone else need the money if they aren't going to use it on your final expenses. And that is how it should be. Beneficiaries getting what is left over.

My Mom leftv2 small policies to me totaling 7k. I knew what they were for, her funeral. And she had a great send off.
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