Follow
Share
Read More
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
1 2 3 4 5
Stop funding her.

And while you may pity her for having no one else in her life… remember that she did this to herself. She could have been a loving mother to you, but chose not to. She could have remarried or gathered many friends over the years; she chose not to. Now she is badgering you to step in to the gap she created for herself. Funny how she didn’t have time before, but now that she’s older, she expects you to do for her. Stay strong!
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Ocdtrauma70 Dec 2022
Right. She is 77 and I am 52. She missed my whole life! I do cry from time to time when I think about that. I have an amazing relationship with my son who is 13. I could not imagine not seeing him for the next 40 years and then coming back. But that is not what she actually did. I can't imagine badgering him for the next 40 years and then doing more harm. I would have rather she left me alone. She didn't really ever leave me alone - I have been receiving bad-negative-horrible emails for most of my life, this just happens to be one of the worst periods that has not subsided. The others subsided when I moved out of the country or the state when I was younger.
(1)
Report
Block, block and block! There are other ways to monitor where she is besides getting emails from her. Check her social media accounts, have your rabbi talk to her rabbi, be in touch with her neighbors, and for heaven's sake, you could get a private investigator to keep tabs on her whereabouts for the $35,000 a year you send her now. I truly believe you have come to a point where you are being shamelessly harassed by this woman and should report it to law enforcement where you live. Also, a stern cease & desist letter from an attorney might help. There may be other legal remedies that would deter her or at least scare her enough to leave you alone. It's time to get tough.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Ocdtrauma70 Dec 2022
Thank you! Yes we have contacted an attorney. She has no neighbors because she lives no place permanently. The rabbi that was helping her has now cut ties. I don’t really know who is helping her anymore. We thought about getting her an iPad which she asked for and locking the settings so it would have a tracking device! She hasn’t physically threatened us so I think it is hard to have a letter from the lawyer. When I told her we were going to call the police she said” fine I think I’m allowed to see my daughter.” I know we need to be tough!
(2)
Report
I believe I told you this before. This person is someone you saw twice a year for half of your life. That's not a mother. That's a distant relative you see at weddings and funerals.
So treat her like one. You owe her nothing. Don't forget it.
At this point you're choosing to be an active participant her gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and threats. You're a willing player in her games.
You don't have to be. You CHOOSE to be.

"If you think I'm going to get on with my life, you are in a fantasyland".

You know what my response to that email would be?
Here it is:

'Don't threaten me or there will absolutely ZERO contact between the two of us. I am not playing your games anymore and I am not buying you a house. I will not tolerate your gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and assorted bullsh** for one more minute. Knock off your crap or you will be dead to me'.

Send her this message. If she doesn't get it, go no contact.
Helpful Answer (11)
Report
Ocdtrauma70 Dec 2022
You get it!! It actually has been not even been one time in two years. Yes that is the email we should send and carry through on
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
Continue to say no, no, no!
My adoptive daughters mother is the same way. When she gets drunk or high she's on the phone wanting to visit or to move back here. My daughter just says no, no and no! After the drunk time or whatever she doesn't even remember calling or texting saying someone else must have used her phone! really! So you can block the calls, ignore the calls, but you can also let it go to voice mail so you can keep track and not really answer her. My daughters mother one time wanted to stay with me! HECK NO! Remember this if they have enough nerve to ask you should have enough nerve to say no!
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
BurntCaregiver Dec 2022
@Ohwow

You are your daughter's mother. The woman who birthed her is the woman who birthed her and nothing more.
It's very generous of you to even have allowed this person to be in your daughter's life and I hope your child appreciates your generosity.
Your daughter has to learn how to stop enabling her birth parent. The only contact she should have with her should involve only ways that will help in recovery from addiction. If she is unwilling to get sober and clean YOUR daughter should have nothing to do with her.
(4)
Report
As long as you enable her, she will never get or accept the help she needs from professionals.

Just stop.

Yes, it's very sad. But there isn't anything that you can do that will help.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

What inside of you is truly making you continue to respond to her, much less send her money?

That's the issue you need to solve. The issue of her will solve itself once you fix you.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report
Ocdtrauma70 Dec 2022
Guilt and fear. Fear that she will harm us somehow. Guilt that nobody should have nobody.
(0)
Report
See 3 more replies
Oh Lord just reading your post raised my anxiety and I don't ever have an issue with that. Please for all your sakes just stop putting up with the nonsense and Bu!! S**t!!!
Your mother has mental issues and she will never get better, and you MUST just get on with your life without her in it.
Change your phone numbers or just block her number and change all your email addresses so she can't reach you. When are you going to say ENOUGH is ENOUGH?
And why are you funding your mother $35,000? I'm not sure what that is about, but you need to stop and let your mother lie in the bed that she has made for herself. She was able to figure things out on her own for many years, so let her figure things out now. And if she no longer can, well then she will have to reach out to senior services and have them assist her best they can.
Your mother(and I use that term loosely, because it takes more than just giving birth to be a mother)is NOT your responsibility.
The only way you'll be able to move forward in a more healthy manner is if you cut ties once and for all. And you and your immediate family deserve that, so please stop this nonsense. If it drives me crazy just reading about it I can only imagine how crazy it drives you. But you and only you have the power to change things, so please start today to take control of your life and health and say bye bye to your mother. And mean it.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Ocdtrauma70 Dec 2022
Thank you!!! you get it. Total bullshit. It’s as insane as I described for this one year and the prior 40 (not to mention the one time we asked her to help us one hour a week she said no). Last time in 2006 I moved out of the country to escape.
(1)
Report
Quarterly answer—your husband is wise to be ready to cut her off. Same solution as before. Stop all funding. Stop all communication even through your husband. Care for the family you’ve been blessed to have, not the mess you have no hope of repairing, before you lose it all. I sincerely wish you the best
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Ocdtrauma70 Dec 2022
Thank you for your kindness.
(1)
Report
And it's not GOING to end as long as your mother is still alive and getting responses to her chronic demand for attention, which you and or your dh are supplying her with. Not to mention $$$$, which will keep her around forever.

Happy Holidays.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

1 2 3 4 5
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter