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Quarterly update: narcissist miserable anxious mother with no permanent home by choice continues insanity.
sum: seen her 10x in 20 years. She left my father. She traveled world for 15 years in fancy places but on budget through demands. She is now 77. 100k in bank. We fund 35k. Social security 10k. 2-5 emails a day for this year with:
”are you going to let me die”
“if you think I am going to get on with my life you are in a fantasyland.”
”I’m not going to make it.”
”You want to buy me a house and you expect me to live alone?”
”the prices of houses have doubled - even if you are paying for it; now I have less money from you.”
”I don’t want you to buy me a house.”
”nobody does this alone.”



now, for the past year, rabbis, psychiatrists, my stepmother of all people and us have tried to come up
with solutions.
now she is begging us to “make a deal” that she can come to see us for 2 weeks and just get some love. We held our ground and said no. She said, let me come and then you can decide whether to buy me a house in California or put me in a home.
for background, she did not sacrifice for me. She divorced my father when I was 13, he raised me. She never paid a nickel for college or bought me anything. She was never there emotionally. Ever. She sent one email from 2014 where she showed that I thanked her for her ideas about a mosquito
problem. Her problems are worse, but she ignores my ocd saying it isn’t her fault. I recently had an incident where I lost feeling in my leg and my husband told her and she can’t see it. Even people with cancer have it better than her because they have family. My mil can’t walk, but she has a house. When we offer her a house, she says it’s different because my mil has been in her house. I know it is insane and I should just stop reading the emails. My husband has taken over and she bombards him. He’s ready to cut ties completely but we still want to monitor where she is and need to send her funds. There is still a nagging sadness that she isn’t welcomed by any family - but she was - she just abused everyone to a point of no contact by everyone. I’m not supposed to judge as I’m not g-d but it has deeply affected my family and it’s not ending.

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I believe I told you this before. This person is someone you saw twice a year for half of your life. That's not a mother. That's a distant relative you see at weddings and funerals.
So treat her like one. You owe her nothing. Don't forget it.
At this point you're choosing to be an active participant her gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and threats. You're a willing player in her games.
You don't have to be. You CHOOSE to be.

"If you think I'm going to get on with my life, you are in a fantasyland".

You know what my response to that email would be?
Here it is:

'Don't threaten me or there will absolutely ZERO contact between the two of us. I am not playing your games anymore and I am not buying you a house. I will not tolerate your gaslighting, guilt-tripping, and assorted bullsh** for one more minute. Knock off your crap or you will be dead to me'.

Send her this message. If she doesn't get it, go no contact.
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Ocdtrauma70 Dec 2022
You get it!! It actually has been not even been one time in two years. Yes that is the email we should send and carry through on
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Today, after 68 years of verbal abuse, manipulation, control, bullying of our entire family, and causing me irreperable mental and
related medical issues due to all her stress and drama ,I have officially divorced my NPD 92 year old "motherl" .( the female that gave birth to me). I have been doing this in increments since my wonderful dad died 10 years ago. Thank God I had one loving parent who was a saint to put up with her , and show my brother and I unconditional love. He was handicapped due to a neurological disease and in a wheelchair in his 40s and survived her torment , even though we begged him to divorce her and let us find a nice place to live in peace or come live with one of us. She has been living in her own apartment in a beautiful senior living community for 5 years. My brother has walked away from her years ago due to her horrible bullying and abuse ....When I couldnt stomach face to face meetings with her anymore to do her shopping and delivering her groceries, I went to ordering her groceries online and delivered by Shipt. Now she has refused to reimburse me hundreds of dollars. I asked my husband to go with me today to offer to help her go over her checkbook because she is forgetting to write things down, etc. and will then tell me I am trying to cheat her , No checks have been written to me since October, and she has had 3 deliveries of groceries, poise pads, medications, etc etc, which I have paid for and showed her receipts.She refuses to get a debit card because I " will give out her social security number on the internet ". We are on Social Security amd I couldnt pay for my meds this month because of her not reimbursing me ..She told me she was going to call the police on us, tried to hit my husband and I , and tried to ram into him with her walker. The Director is very familiar there with her, and agrees with me she needs to be in Assisted Living..she has moderate stage dementia, refuses to let me check her meds or checkbook, doesnt leave her apartment and refuses to eat most of the meals she pays for there. She refused to see my sons and grandchildren who live out of state over Thanksgiving, and tells me repeatedly she hates my husband and me for getting remarried , and not being at her beck and call. I am not heartless..I have been crying all day over fact that this scenario was of her creation, because she would not relinquish any control or accept my help . Two months ago County APS Worker did an assessment and deemed her competent, but did note mental health issues and increasing paranoia. The director is now trying to work with the County to get her Protectively Placed in Assisted Living there, since I am removing myself as her punching bag and going no contact. She is losing weight and becoming more delusional , ( I posted before that she is convinced she is sleeping on a 69 year old mattress) and I am sure she is not taking her meds, but will not let me or anyone check them.They have agreed to re open her case, and were to do an emergency assessment this afternoon. I am listed as POA Health Care and Financial POA, and have contacted her primary Dr to bring him up to speed. Intellectually, I know I have done all that I can,..for as long as I can...but heart wise , its tearing me apart.. I so relate to your pain..these entitled NPD elders have no boundaries, no compassion , and no clue or desire to take responsibility for their evil behavior.I het that its hard to walk away but just DO IT ...It took me way too long , but my husband and I both ended up in ICU in 2018 , and tomorrow is not promised to any of us. Im done giving mine away to someone who only cares about her own...
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sp19690 Dec 2022
Congratulations for finally stopping the abuse. I hope many see your example and know that they to can be free.
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Ocd, I wanted to clarify, when my dad called me for help, my husband and I went to his state and moved him to our home. He told me that he wanted to start over and would be getting a place in my city.

He ended up in the hospital 4 days after arriving at our home. That was when I found out he lied to get into our home. He had auto-pay set up to continue supporting his whore exwife. Not leaving himself enough money monthly to support himself. He fully expected to live with and off us while he continued to make chitshow choices.

I was blessed, I found out right away. Because I had forgiven him for the past I was gutted that he would lie to our faces and plan on using us so shamelessly.

I do understand letting go, forgiving the past but, not being able to continue with the present transgressions. Been there, done that, have the T-shirt.

I would encourage you to stop asking your husband what her latest drama-rama is for the day. Quite frankly, you shouldn't involve him if you are going to ask for details vs reading it yourself. He shouldn't have to wade in her toxic waste daily and have to regurgitate it to you on top of that.

You have no idea if she is headed your way by what she sends, she has proven she will lie for no purpose. So what makes you think she would be honest about anything?

I'm sorry but, paying for her choices and putting up with her BS isn't gonna save your souls. Please stop justifying her behavior and your behavior. NOTHING is going to change until you guys stop participating in her insanity.

She is a manipulative, self centered POS. She has shown you who she is and what you mean to her, money, believe her already.
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Christine44 Dec 2022
"She has shown you who she is and what you mean to her, money, believe her already." Reminds me of a quote by the late poet Maya Angelou: "When people show you how they are, believe them."
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Ocd, tell her YES, I am leaving you to die the same way you lived your life. Leave me and MY family alone.

Choices have consequences. Here they are psycho.

Like I said at first, she is playing you for a fool and YOU keep laying down to let her and you NOW have your husband and son laying down too. Apparently you didn't fall far from her tree of let's screw over our family. You are just doing it differently but, still doing it. Your choices have consequences too.
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BurntCaregiver Dec 2022
Amen to that, Isthisrealyreal. You speak the truth here, my friend.
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Stop giving your mother money.

Stop giving your mother money.

Stop giving your mother money.

Stop giving your mother money.

Stop giving your mother money.

You don't have to answer the door.

You don't have to answer the door.

Cut off all communication.

Cut off all commumication.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 2023
Yes!
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Maybe you feel some sort of responsibility to her because she gave birth to you. Take some time to think this through.

The truth is that you don’t owe her anything because she gave birth to you.

Do not be intimidated by her. You have the power to stop contributing to her. She feels entitled and she isn’t entitled to anything.

Many women give birth, but that doesn’t automatically make them a mother. A mother is the woman who cared for you while you were growing up and throughout your life. You don’t have a true relationship with her.

She abandoned you when you were young and she certainly didn’t come back into your life to show remorse or reconnect with you. She came back to use you. It’s all for her benefit.

Some people deserve second chances. Others don’t. Look at the entire picture. You haven’t gained anything from her returning, other than heartbreak.

Let go. This is a one way street. You deserve so much better.
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Ocdtrauma70 Dec 2022
Yes, so ENTITLED. She never really left my life completely. I've been funding her for 20 years and we've had contact. This is yearly trauma that only ceased for the two years my husband and I moved to Japan to escape her.
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OCD, this is from September 2022:

"I just found out from the religious doctor that she is in St. Louis at an upscale independent living place that ranges from $4300 for a one bedroom to $11,000 for a 2 bedroom. She told me that it was hell and she didn’t even have a toilet. She told us she got a deal for 2300, which I believe and I’m glad at least she manipulates other people so that she doesn’t spend all of our money! She lied and told us she was I. New Jersey. She’s been lying to me since I was young. Grrrr. So this kind man did help her get away from Europe where she said she was going to kill herself but now she says she hates being in this prison at this luxury residence and needs to go back to Europe. Then she’ll throw in that she needs hugs and love. It’s hard to know that your mother has lied to you her whole life to get what she wants but she must be really messed up."

She lies, she manipulates. She uses people. Giving to her--money, resources, suggestions--results in more lies and manipulation, not peace or happiness for either of you.

If you go "Grey Rock" or just pretend you're in Japan, she will find someone else to use.

Let her go.
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lealonnie1 Dec 2022
Ay yi yi, it must really be hell to be pooping in a bucket since the luxury $4k-11K apartments don't even have TOILETS!
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OCD, your update: ”I'm realizing that I still can't completely let her go. I want her to feel happy and safe as I have a blessed life. I just don't want her to stop the insanity and pick a place to live already” Seems like you checked in here on A/C Forum to let us know you’re not going to cut your mother off despite a steady consensus of advice. That’s certainly your right. I truly hope the madness of your mother ends before your husband and children grow so resentful that it costs you dearly. See you next update. Be well
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I think this OP is playing everyone on this forum for a sucker.
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Bridget66 Dec 2022
Absolutely. And OCD has some forum members OCD over her.
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Here's the thing, she will hurt you and your family no matter how many of her flaming hoops you jump through.

She is alone by choice, you can NOT care more about her then she does, it will suck your life force out.

She doesn't have a right to see you if you don't want to see her. That statement alone should get her completely cut off from ALL contact in EVERY form.

My dad kinda did the same thing, got divorced, forgot he had a daughter, made REALLY BAD choices, life turned to a chitshow and all of a sudden he wanted and needed me. NOPE! When I wanted and needed a dad, he had better things going, so I made my way and I wasn't going to let him hijack it because his choices didn't work out and now he was old and alone. I didn't put him there and I couldn't let him pull my life under to safe himself. It isn't about loving us, it's about realizing they now need someone because of their choices and they believe we are still that young child longing for a parents love and acceptance. And when that doesn't work, they use guilt, manipulation, I'm the parent and all other sorts of crap to get their way.

No! It is a complete sentence. You should tell your husband to do whatever he feels is best for the family and if that means a total disconnect, so be it.

She is playing you like a chump by the way. Please stop participating in her nonsense.
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Ocdtrauma70 Dec 2022
Thank you. I'm not even resentful of the fact that my mother wasn't around when I was younger, yelled at me when I told her I was getting married, didn't come to my wedding, or graduation etc. I just hate the trauma she has caused me. I"m not doing this because she wasn't there for me. I'm keeping her away because of what she does now. I actually would have welcomed her if she didn't start with the "I'm going to die, come get me." as her opening. Thank you for sharing your story. The messages of "I just need your love" make me sick. Especially as you point out, she isn't longing for me, but her life in Europe. Her best years as she talks about them, are the years we were not speaking sadly.
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